[Kimoshnikov]

INFJ, has problems with getting over first love, for it was percieved as "perfect" despite obvious flaws, and feels deep emotions still which are holding back her life.

I suppose my question would be what does it take for an INFJ to ... move on from such deep love? They cannot just block them out or burn the bridge for this one. . .




(i'm listed as INTJ but have it in my capacity to switch between all of them when needed to, so feelings are not alien to me as many perceive many intj's to ... be like)

 

[Icarus]

I wish I knew the answer to that

 

[angelictroublemaker]

With difficulty! :frustrating: I totally empathise - it's just so difficult when we (a) see the best in people and paper over or choose not to dwell on their flaws (b) have such a great imagination, that half the time the person we are in love with barely exists in reality. I speak from experience, not judgment, I hasten to add. I have been in love 3 times.

The first one, I began to let go of when I stopped seeing him around (he left work) and also realised he didn't have the same ideals of friendship i.e. wasn't there for me when I just wanted to talk as mates. What really did it tho was channeling my emotion into passing my final accountancy exams, tricking mysekf into believing that one day I'd meet him in the street and be able to show that I was intellectually "good enough" for him. By the time I'd passed tho, I had ceased to believe he was the one.

The second one, I began to let go when I finally realised I had imagined who he was - he started talking about ironing (rather then anything philosophical) and I realsed I really don't want to be spending the rest of my life with somewhere so concrete!

The third, well this one was recent; I still believe he was different and the right one and he may well be still, but it was wrong timing. If its meant to be, it'll happen is what I comfort myself with...and channelling my emotions into climbing - I guess its like the first one, he's a climber so I feel like if/when we meet again, I at least want to be better than him and show him I was a good enough climber for him.

Kinda stupid logic I know, but the moping and pining is really not helpful - starting a new project with an important goal/achievment at the end, and making the motivation for achieving it the other person, well, that's what's helped me in the past...and even if the person doesn't come back, you manage to let go and also achieve something to be proud of in the meantime.

Hope that helps a little!

 

[Kimoshnikov]

With difficulty! :frustrating: I totally empathise - it's just so difficult when we (a) see the best in people and paper over or choose not to dwell on their flaws (b) have such a great imagination, that half the time the person we are in love with barely exists in reality. I speak from experience, not judgment, I hasten to add. I have been in love 3 times.

The first one, I began to let go of when I stopped seeing him around (he left work) and also realised he didn't have the same ideals of friendship i.e. wasn't there for me when I just wanted to talk as mates. What really did it tho was channeling my emotion into passing my final accountancy exams, tricking mysekf into believing that one day I'd meet him in the street and be able to show that I was intellectually "good enough" for him. By the time I'd passed tho, I had ceased to believe he was the one.

The second one, I began to let go when I finally realised I had imagined who he was - he started talking about ironing (rather then anything philosophical) and I realsed I really don't want to be spending the rest of my life with somewhere so concrete!

The third, well this one was recent; I still believe he was different and the right one and he may well be still, but it was wrong timing. If its meant to be, it'll happen is what I comfort myself with...and channelling my emotions into climbing - I guess its like the first one, he's a climber so I feel like if/when we meet again, I at least want to be better than him and show him I was a good enough climber for him.

Kinda stupid logic I know, but the moping and pining is really not helpful - starting a new project with an important goal/achievment at the end, and making the motivation for achieving it the other person, well, that's what's helped me in the past...and even if the person doesn't come back, you manage to let go and also achieve something to be proud of in the meantime.

Hope that helps a little!

So what i'm basically reading here is that... the... love, if you will, does not fade for quite some time? On your first love, how was it that you ceased believing he was the one? How long did it take?

 

[thegirlcandance]

INFJ, has problems with getting over first love, for it was percieved as "perfect" despite obvious flaws, and feels deep emotions still which are holding back her life.

I suppose my question would be what does it take for an INFJ to ... move on from such deep love? They cannot just block them out or burn the bridge for this one. . .




(i'm listed as INTJ but have it in my capacity to switch between all of them when needed to, so feelings are not alien to me as many perceive many intj's to ... be like)

I understand completely... especially with first, of course. Best thing I can say is time and trying to focus on trusting her intuition rather than feelings, which is EXTREMELY difficult to do at a time like this, but if she can partially see that light at the end of the tunnel and concentrate on focusing on that then it will happen. :blushed:

 

[angelictroublemaker]

So what i'm basically reading here is that... the... love, if you will, does not fade for quite some time? On your first love, how was it that you ceased believing he was the one? How long did it take?

First 3 months were the most difficult, but I would say it hadn't totally faded until about the 9 months mark...not nec what you want to hear, and obviously we are all different etc It fades over time, and at the start it feels like it never ever will, but I guess if you don't stoke the flames i.e. see them all the time as "friends" etc it has to eventually...

Like I said, realising a major difference in values (i.e. ideals for friendship) gave me a big jolt in realising he wasn't...but I had to be in a place where I could hear my own intuitions and not let feelings take over...

Aaargh...i wanna send you a hug - its really tough (and I think particularly tough for us INFJs)

On the latest one tho, I still do think he's the one, but if he is, then you have to get to a place when you can completely let it go for it to come back ...if that makes sense?

 

[Kimoshnikov]

First 3 months were the most difficult, but I would say it hadn't totally faded until about the 9 months mark...not nec what you want to hear, and obviously we are all different etc It fades over time, and at the start it feels like it never ever will, but I guess if you don't stoke the flames i.e. see them all the time as "friends" etc it has to eventually...

Like I said, realising a major difference in values (i.e. ideals for friendship) gave me a big jolt in realising he wasn't...but I had to be in a place where I could hear my own intuitions and not let feelings take over...

Aaargh...i wanna send you a hug - its really tough (and I think particularly tough for us INFJs)

On the latest one tho, I still do think he's the one, but if he is, then you have to get to a place when you can completely let it go for it to come back ...if that makes sense?

The last line makes sense, but just barely

I often feel the need to send people hugs and other such "feeling" things... Hrm.

The light at the end of the tunnel... is this in reference to moving on, or to seeing that they weren't the best thing for you?

 

[angelictroublemaker]

The last line makes sense, but just barely

I often feel the need to send people hugs and other such "feeling" things... Hrm.

The light at the end of the tunnel... is this in reference to moving on, or to seeing that they weren't the best thing for you?

I'm not sure - the two sort of go hand in hand, I think

 

[Kimoshnikov]

mmmk ... well thank you for your input all. i appreciate it

 

[Karot]

What do you understand by first love?

 

[Allegorist]

The fact of being realistic and taking note of the realization that the relationship cannot work out. Embracing differences is one thing, but when conflict arises where issues are not solved due to the lack of motivation and effort is a big reason why relationships fall apart. Think more of, "I've had this experience of love, but I feel that I did my part and I see that this cannot work out."

What is the bridge? An illusion of what? Time plays a great role to move on from someone. There is a reason why this person is claimed as first love and then you branch from there. There will be more people and there will be the one.

 

[foxglove]

To be frank we strive to look for the 'perfect relationship', so the best way for us to get "over" a first love, is to find a new love. That's what happened with me. Though my second love turned out just like a korean drama. Hope this helps.

 

[Gallen]

INFJ, has problems with getting over first love, for it was percieved as "perfect" despite obvious flaws, and feels deep emotions still which are holding back her life.

I suppose my question would be what does it take for an INFJ to ... move on from such deep love? They cannot just block them out or burn the bridge for this one. . .




(i'm listed as INTJ but have it in my capacity to switch between all of them when needed to, so feelings are not alien to me as many perceive many intj's to ... be like)

Facts about me
- Never in a relationship
- Only crushes

How I (mostly) got out
- Focused on self
- Decrease contact with said person
- Make and meet more acquantances
- Do stuff that makes you feel good!

I kinda know what you are coming from too. This crush I had, I don't have the feeling of it working out long term, and at the same time he's someone I can see as a friend. Tough call here, I'm still having balancing issues.

My 2p!

GW

 

[waterviolet]

Is it really possible to fall out of love or does love change? Sometimes it grows and changes for the better and others you come to realize you weren't as compatible as you once thought. I think love always exists in the people you experience "love" for. I'm not sure it ever goes away but your mind and heart drives you to keep holding on to or finding that feeling again. For most the idea of love is very romanticized but I think true love is much more than that. Love is a decision to be there, to be supportive, understanding, loyal, and much more. When you are young or in the case of first-love I think that we are naive as to what defines love. Naive love is about a feeling that makes you ache, it's mixed with lust and something we can only describe as being beyond our control. True love is acceptance of someone for all that they are and all that they are not. The key is finding someone that has the same, mutual view on love as you...with a dabble of lust, attraction and laughter!