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My question is how would an infp female turn me down, given that she knows 100% that I like her, and I'm not in her inner circle of friends?

Context: I am a confused rational trying to make sense of an infp's mixed (and sometimes contradictory signals). From other posts I have gathered that this could be symptomatic of her interest, however I want to consider the possibility that she is turning me down politely.

How direct would you be? What is the difference in rhetoric between you leaving hints of positive interest and politely turning someone down while leaving the door open for friendship? would you leave the door open for friendship?
 

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I would not be very directly confront you because I would not want to hurt you with a hard rejection, but I would give off readable cues so that you would not keep holding on if I did not like you. You would be able to read it in slight disinterest during conversation (intentional so that you would get the cue, not to be rude) and also I might avoid you. I would be open to being friends with you, but only after I know that you know I don't like you back, but you would probably not be one of my close friends because I think that would be mean, knowing that you really wanted more.

Overall, to you, I would seem nice still, but generally disinterested. I would probably not tell you straight up to spare your feelings, but would give pretty clear signals that I was not interested. Does this help at all with understanding any reasoning behind her actions?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks for your response lexieh, yeah I suspect that this might be a common response.

How does this compare to how you might act if you were interested, would you be discreet or cautious about revealing your feelings?
 

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Avoid, avoid, avoid.

That's what I do. Because I can't get the guts to ell the person I don't feel the same. I would either evade that person's calls, avoid them like the plague, or strive to keep conversation within the boundaries of a friendship only.
 

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From experience, as above, I avoid. Avoid the person and any situations that may prove awkward. I know it's not always fair and in my head, I will tell the person openly and honestly. In reality, I hide, sometimes literally.
 

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I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings...

So I avoid... or unless they confront me face-to-face, which I dread. I tend to be standoffish, avoid talking to them, and say very little in hopes they get the hint if I run into them. If they are persistent and ask... I try to let them off easily. I just don't like hurting people.

:sad:
 

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Thanks for your response lexieh, yeah I suspect that this might be a common response.

How does this compare to how you might act if you were interested, would you be discreet or cautious about revealing your feelings?
Hm considering that I knew you liked me, it would depend at the place I was. If I wanted a relationship and was interested, I might even reach out to you to build a friendship or flirt a bit. I would only be discreet or cautious if there was something bad that might happen, like if it was socially unacceptable or if I was scared of getting hurt or rejected, but that seems less likely if I was 100% sure you liked me back like you said.

I guess I would take a look at how your interactions look in general--if she seems to be distant and avoids you a lot, she might be spooked that you like her and wants to avoid hurting you and the awkwardness of the situation. If she seems to enjoy your company, talks to you, smiles and laughs a lot, then she probably is receptive and might be interested. This seems kind of straightforward, but it could be dangerous to read too much into every subtle reaction and think it means something really hopeful unless you know there is reason to do that, do you know what her general reaction to you is? And it seems like since you are trying to figure out her mixed signals, it might help to ask why. For example, someone could try to act disinterested, but it is really out of fear they will get hurt, or someone could act friendly but really they are just trying to be polite. Does it seem like she has any motive to act cautious or aloof? Is she scared of getting into relationships? Or is she the type of person that always tries to let others down easy and hates confrontation? Do you ever get the chance to have conversation with her, and if so how do they end up? How does she respond if you initiate to her (spending time, texting, etc.)?

I am not sure if these questions are helpful, but sometimes knowing why helps to figure out the what. Based off of where I am at in life, I would be more inclined to be flirty and less aloof if I was interested in someone who liked me, but some people have had different experiences and might be more burned out about relationships, so it helps to know her story.
 

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My question is how would an infp female turn me down, given that she knows 100% that I like her, and I'm not in her inner circle of friends?

Context: I am a confused rational trying to make sense of an infp's mixed (and sometimes contradictory signals). From other posts I have gathered that this could be symptomatic of her interest, however I want to consider the possibility that she is turning me down politely.

How direct would you be? What is the difference in rhetoric between you leaving hints of positive interest and politely turning someone down while leaving the door open for friendship? would you leave the door open for friendship?
Both INFPs I've met outside of PerC have turned me down quite explicitly. One of them was just someone I knew, I didn't like her, but she made it very clear she did not want to be my friend. The other is my now ex, and she quite explicitly said she did not want me anymore and I need to move on, because we will never be together again. In fact, that's exactly what she said. LOL... So... I guess she'd be direct. I would.
 

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Im either very wishy washy and avoidant or extremely blunt...I literally had a guy pour his heart out to me only to hear me reply "um...what do you expect me to say? I dont feel that way about you so...". Let's just say that both methods aren't the greatest way to go about turning someone down.
 

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If I were a not-interested female I would avoid you like the plague and lie if cornered. "Oh, I have to get my abscess drained on Friday night, I'm sorry".
 

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If I knew i'd go with being direct and having a talk. I feel its better than hoping things just smooth themselves out because if someones got feelings its gonna such when its not reciprocated so in being direct you just come to an open understanding this is how things are its not working i know it sucks you know it sucks cant force this sort of thing lets get on with our lives.
I could imagine if I wasnt tactful enough i could come off a bit harsh even because I actually like it when things are out in the open. It makes life easier than assuming and getting something wrong.
My issue often is whether the other person is comfortable talking about the topic.
 

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I would try to emphasize my disinterest by saying, "It's so great to have you as a friend. You're a great friend." I'd distance myself a bit, but not avoid him because it might make him feel that there's something wrong with him. Instead, I wouldn't spend time with him alone or make the initiative to contact him first. After a while, I hope that the person will get discouraged and move on to find someone who likes him back.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I know it's not always fair and in my head, I will tell the person openly and honestly. In reality, I hide, sometimes literally.
Very interesting disctinction which perhaps I should have thought to write in the question. Is there a difference between how you would like to respond in your head and how you deal with it in practice? Would be great to hear more responses to that question,
 

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Omg rofl, women are so confusing. This isn't directed at you personally, but why wouldn't you just turn guys down? once the guy figures out he's being rejected, he'll feel rejected anyways, no-matter how the rejection was being done. Just saves time, effort, and confusion to be straight up I think.
But alas, I am not a woman, and i'm sure they see things very differently
 

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I would try to emphasize my disinterest by saying, "It's so great to have you as a friend. You're a great friend." I'd distance myself a bit, but not avoid him because it might make him feel that there's something wrong with him. Instead, I wouldn't spend time with him alone or make the initiative to contact him first. After a while, I hope that the person will get discouraged and move on to find someone who likes him back.
Thank you for your message Coraline. I think you touch upon the crux of the issue which I'm grappling with, 'friendship' by which it's meant a harmonious interaction with someone you are familiar with. However as I understand NFs are looking for a 'soulmate' or a 'best friend' (Ref. Keirsey), and so perhaps the early stages of a relationship are spent on building rapport and discerning if they are worthy of trust?

Would you be the first to make contact with him even if you weren't interested?
 

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Well, now that I think about what I've done in real situations, let's see... I've done the following:

- Cry from the sheer frustration of "OMG I want to turn him down, but how!" and then avoid
- "I think we should break up" (the direct approach)
- "I don't think this will work out" (direct again)
- Avoid
- Avoid
- Currently there is this friend of mine who is trying to get more friendly and I am laughing and treating it like a friendship and not letting the conversations lead to anything else... I'm also telling him I still like my ex... So a combination of friend-ing and lying... Not great, I know, but I am seriously bad at turning someone down.

On the other hand, when I like someone, I tend to get over attached and clingy. I'll be looking forward to talking to them, my conversations with them are very long, and I find myself telling them a lot of stuff about me I didn't think I would be revealing so soon. If I trust them, I tell them lots of stuff. If I'm intimidated, I laugh around and make an easy friendship first.
 

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I would try to emphasize my disinterest by saying, "It's so great to have you as a friend. You're a great friend." I'd distance myself a bit, but not avoid him because it might make him feel that there's something wrong with him. Instead, I wouldn't spend time with him alone or make the initiative to contact him first. After a while, I hope that the person will get discouraged and move on to find someone who likes him back.
I understand how many would say things just as you stated above, so I am not singling you out (please take no offense); however, it's not direct enough, IMHO, because being friends is a good thing, and not necessarily a statement rejecting the person romantically. So what you are trying to say is "I am not interested in you romantically-I believe would get better along as friends" but not everyone will take the message YOU REALLY SAID as the latter one. Wouldn't you like to be your romantic interest's friend, or even best friend? At least I know that if I had a girlfriend, she would not be only a good friend, but also my best friend. Therefore, "friendzoning" doesn't work with those individuals that do not believe in friendzoning in the first place, because it's usually just a silly term to denote lack of romantic interest. It's better for both male and female INFPs to be rather direct, although also kind, in just stating that when we are not interested-then you can say "we can still be friends if you'd like, but I wouldn't want you to keep your hopes up."

In short, even though you don't want to hurt a person's feelings by being indirect, and hoping he/she will "get it" because society somehow classifies being "too friendly" with a romantic interest is "wrong", in fact the LESS HURTING CHOICE is being direct about how you feel, so that the person has NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that you have no interest in him/her. If the person acts like a jerk after being so directly "rejected", then he/she wasn't worth your friendship (much less romantic relationship) in the first place, so you need not fear that. If the person gets genuinely saddened (because he/she really liked you/loved you), you can cheer him/her up with genuine words of comfort about him/her (though I would suggest no hackneyed phrases like "somebody else will be so lucky to have you!", but something more authentic, from things you know about him/her that make him/her really great despite your lack of interest in him/her.) I know that if a lady was interested in me and it had zero possibilities, I would make it clear in the kindest, most polite way possible, so that she is as less hurt as possible while not leading her on in any way or fashion, nor confused with my words ("maybe he still likes me after all? He said I am a great friend to him!" I don't want to hurt her feelings, much less keep her in the dark, wondering, and possibly breaking her heart later.)

Most INFPs don't like to hurt other's feelings, but hiding from an awkward situation in an ostrich-like endeavor and pretending it will go away won't make it go away. It's a bit selfish too, IMHO-the INFP is afraid of getting hurt by "hurting" somebody else because of being "too direct". The other person has feelings too, though, and he/she should know THE TRUTH, rather than being thrown "hints". Let's face our fears, and learn to be more direct with people-the actual least hurting choice for everyone involved.
 

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Thank you for your message Coraline. I think you touch upon the crux of the issue which I'm grappling with, 'friendship' by which it's meant a harmonious interaction with someone you are familiar with. However as I understand NFs are looking for a 'soulmate' or a 'best friend' (Ref. Keirsey), and so perhaps the early stages of a relationship are spent on building rapport and discerning if they are worthy of trust?

Would you be the first to make contact with him even if you weren't interested?
Dear OP, this is why I suggested INFPs are more direct in a post above. As you said, as an INFP, I relish friendship. I would like my mate to be my best friend. So your confusion is *justified* if the person you like is not being direct with you. Until you really KNOW what she's feeling (rather than trying to interpret positive or negative "hints"), you are being kept in the dark (even if it's not malicious in her part-we do not know she is sure you are attracted to her, and even if she already knows, she may not mean ill in being this unclear.)

I would suggest for you to be a bit more proactive and find out in time. Maybe do not hurry, but take your time in befriending her. Be a GENUINE friend (not just because you fancy her), and then letting her know about your feelings for her. Many INFPs (and other types, but I would think it's common to NFs) don't like when people are only "friends" only to be close romantically to them. In general, we relish TRUE friendship and personal relationships, and dislike "manufactured" stuff. If you see the initial friendship working, after you've shown yourself to be a genuine friend, then you can ask her out sometime, and take it from there. If she rejects you romantically, then no big loss, because she would still be a friend, and friends are good, right? But since you are so wondering about it, and as I read from your statements, she does NOT know that you like her yet, why not take the first steps, rather than wishing things were clearer/better?
 

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I'm not great at reading social cues so I have never been in a situation where someone MIGHT like ms and I'm trying to get rid of them. So can't help you there.

But the guys that have liked me.. I've either avoided for months and then deleted off Facebook, or (in the cases of my ex and best friend) told them that *I'm* messed up and they deserve better and it's not meant to be.
 
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