[Haven Rosthorne]

Yes, I used the confronting word...gasp!

I have had a close friend for quite a few years that happens to be of the INTJ type. I've noticed that as I'm getting older and gaining more independence, she's becoming more like knife held to my skin constantly than a friend. I've also noticed that this nature she has of trying to control me is what has left me depressed for the last 4 years. She simply doesn't like me doing anything that she doesn't approve of, and if I even speak of doing something that I enjoy and she doesn't, she immediately goes into attack mode saying things like "your only doing this to me because your the only person I have an emotional connection to." She's always putting me down "You have a low self esteem, unlike me." "Some people just can't be as intelligent as I am." "Yeah going to a college like that may be good enough for people like you, but I'm better than that." Maybe I'm just taking it in an offensive way, and shes just trying to motivate me or make me laugh, but even if that's the case it's jut really hurtful.

To put it simply, I do care for her, but I need to end this. I've already explained to her that it makes me really uncomfortable that she insults my family for their religious and political beliefs infront of me and them at times (even if I do not share the same ones). I've also explained to her that I can enjoy things she neccessarily doesn't (I'm apparently a shallow and obnoxious person for liking shopping and hanging out with other people?) and still be friends with her. But all this has done is made her angry...very very very angry...now she spends all of her time insulting me even more than she originally did. And I don't get angry with people...I just don't...but I really want to tackle her right now.

How do I stop the wrath of this INTJ I do care for...and why did I choose for my first confrontation with someone to be an INTJ!?

 

[Molock]

but I need to end this

That stood out for me. I think you need to explain everything to her once more. Try not to be too emotional and explain everything very clearly. Appeals to emotion probably won't have any significant effects so it will be difficult. If she still cannot understand then end it. Hanging around a person which constantly hurts you is no good.

 

[starflower]

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I guess that's not very helpful. Yes, you do need to end this. It's gonna hurt. But not as much as holding on. Good luck! You have lots of friends here.

 

[ponyjoyride]

Maybe you should just take some emotional distance? I don't know if she's really able to see your side of the story even if you explained it and it sounds like your friendship is really draining you. I don't usually like to advice people to leave their friendships but maybe you should see her less and not let her opinions affect you so much.

 

[Now and Then]

I'm sorry that you had to go through things like that, especially when it was your close friend.

You said you've explained several times to her how you felt about her actions, which made you a better friend; yet she continued to engage in behaviors that were hurtful. Like Molock said, try to tackle her once again and tell her in clear, logical manners ( logic appeals to the INTJs much more effectively than emotions, as they are ruled by their heads ) that what she was doing was harmful to your emotional state. For example; "You need to know that when you do X it makes me uncomfortable, so that would be appreciated if you stopped engaging X. I also would like you to do Y more often because that would make me feel valued as a close friend." You can go down that road again if you really want to give her one more chance... but if things still continue as they are, for your sake, it's time to end the friendship. Use the same clear, logical approach that you wish to terminate the friendship, too.

Does she usually act like this to others, too? Are her behaviors any different when she's around other friends?

INTJs sometimes say things that cut others (more sensitive ones) deeply without any intentional malice. However, in your case, this INTJ should have known better than to ignore your feelings since you've approached her about her actions repeatedly. From the descriptions in your post, she sounds immature.

Again, I'm sorry that things had to end up this way. It's always painful to end the friendship, however healthy or not. Hopefully everything will work out in the end, especially on your part. I wish you best of luck.

 

[sethlane]

I've had a close ENTJ friend that started acting the same way. Nothing worked, once our friendship got to this point you described, there was no correcting it with words. I tried agreeing with him and trying to get along with him, he called me weak. I confronted him about things, he blamed me for all of the problems. Even though all I wanted was for him to stop criticizing me. In the end what happened was I just got enough from him, and stopped communicating with him unless he initiated it first, and when he did I would be nice, try not to start an argument, and even sometimes didn't even communicate back (we were texting). And if a conflict arose, I would just tell him that it's not acceptable to me, and told him goodbye. I think that's the best solution, wait till they come around, if they do and start criticizing you or try to start an argument, tell them goodbye, and wait for them to come around again until they can learn that they shouldn't behave this way around you.
Hope this helps. =)
-Seth

 

[Haven Rosthorne]

I also would like you to do Y more often because that would make me feel valued as a close friend./QUOTE]

Wooh, tried that one a long time ago and she just said what i need is not rational and that I'm being just too sensitive.

In the end what happened was I just got enough from him, and stopped communicating with him unless he initiated it first, and when he did I would be nice, try not to start an argument, and even sometimes didn't even communicate back (we were texting)./QUOTE]

I had another conversation with her yesterday over text message and calmly explained to her that a big problem between us is how we communicate. I informed her that I know when I say something, she takes it completely differently than how I meant it since I say everything in a light manner, and when she says something to me I do the same thing. She sees my light humor towards everything to keep myself going as an inability to be realistic, when I explained to her that I can see the world around me I just go about everything as lightly as I can to keep myself floating since I'm hurt easily. I see her dark humor and critisizing nature against people and the world as a real downer, when she uses it the same way I do. We are literally just unable to understand each other. The biggest deal is...that while I admit to having no clue as to what's going on, she states often that she "perfectly understands my feelings behind my actions".

I explained to her that she was still my friend and hasn't lost me, but she replied that it wasn't good enough since she's not the best one I have and I don't value her. I think all I can do is keep walking forward...I'll be graduating next year anyhow...at least I can say I didn't avoid the problem and did the best I could.

 

[Haven Rosthorne]

Oh my goodness...I obviously don't know how to use the quote button X( Sorry guys...

 

[Murky Muse]

While it doesn't excuse her actions, I think I might be able to explain some of it. Of course, my interpretation could be wrong. I've only filtered what you've said through my own experiences and knowledge of my type.

This INTJ is most definitely immature. She probably hasn't really explored her emotions or Fi yet. She doesn't know how to deal with other people, so your a life line to her. The fact that you can have an independence away from her while she can't from you scares her. So she cuts you down in a vain attempt to keep on dependent on her. The worst part is that she's probably in denial about the whole thing. She won't want to admit on any (conscious) level that she'll be lost with someone to be her emotional anchor.

I don't know enough about either of your situations to say what the best thing to do would be. But at the heart of it, you need to take care of yourself. And if that means getting away from her, then she'll just have to grow a backbone on her own. Because right now, no matter what she believes or how confident she is, she doesn't have one. She won't until she has matured emotionally.