[armika_armika]

I was just wondering this. And also, how do you think your parents relation with each other effects your choice of partner and the type of romantic relationship that you have today?

I've been starting to think about this myself, since I tend to be with and fall in love with men, who doesn't really give me that much attention. Men, who clearly are as fine with me as without. Then I started to think about my dad. Sweet and loving at times, but most of the time just abscent minded, always working, a distant carachter.

And I was thinking of his and my mothers relationship. How he never encouraged her, but so often putted her down. How I didn't see him behaving affectionate towards her one single time during my childhood. Am I now reliving this as an adult? If so, how can one do to free oneself from a family pattern?

 

[twoofthree]

Obviously my childhood would've had some influence on my personality which would in turn have some influence on my relationships.
But there are some similarities between my parents and my relationship style, but some clear differences.

They are monogamous, married for 40+ years, no major issues.
I don't really believe in marriage or monogamy at all.

The thing I'd copy from them, is that my father was very much involved in caring for us as kids. He was the one that made our pack lunches for school. . . attended PTA and school evenings etc.
They shared the cooking responsibilities. Mum was away from home (business trips etc.) more often and for longer than Dad was. He was quite capable of looking after us.

That's why traditional gender roles don't sit well with me. I couldn't be in such a relationship. I didn't grow up with it.

I wouldn't stand for any kind of abuse. Again, I didn't see anything remotely resembling it in my childhood.

 

[Paradox1987]

Obviously my childhood would've had some influence on my personality which would in turn have some influence on my relationships.
But there are some similarities between my parents and my relationship style, but some clear differences.

This.

My parents are much more traditional and conservative in their outlook on love, relationships, marriage and sex than I am. However, this can be attributed to certain factors. My parents are both immigrants, so as a 1st gen-er, we face a slight degree of culture clash. Furthermore, my parents had me quite late, so in school (and even today) my father is the oldest father of all my peers. He's actually the age (if not older in some circumstances) of some of my peers' grandparents, therefore we have a generational clash too.

That isn't to say that I've learned nothing of value from my parents, indeed, I've learned a lot. The one thing I will take from them is the sense of responsibility that they attached to parenting. They took that responsibility seriously, and whilst we may not have seen eye to eye 100% of the time; I owe them one hell of a lot, and I shan't be forgetting that any time soon. The way I was raised has played a significant role in what I look for in a partner though, of this there is little doubt in my mind.

Initially, I was raised mostly by nannies, as my parents were very busy, and had little choice over working hours. The life of an hospital doctor is not fun in terms of graveyard shifts etc. So very often, when I'd come back from school, one parent would be at the hospital, the other sleeping after a night of on-call duty. However, my parents made it a point to ensure that they cooked the meals my sister and I ate. Then, as I grew older, they moved away from hospital work and so we had a more "normal" routine. My family is full of feminists, in the sense that my grandmother broke tradition and was a successful lawyer and my mother is equally ambitious, independent and determined. As a result, I've never thought of a partner as someone who will help me transition to domesticity. Indeed, it was actually my father who taught me to cook and iron shirts. My parents' drilled it in to me that a successful relationship is based on teamwork, equality and mutual respect. Therefore, this is what I strive for in a relationship.

The only thing I would take away from my parents, is that my mother did confide in me that she really struggled through the early period of her marriage because of the 10 year age difference between herself and my father. Therefore, I would try and avoid having a large age gap between myself and a potential partner.

 

[Sina]

I'll respond in more detail later. In short, I had a very positive relationship with my father. He was strong, incisive, sensitive, ambitious, resilient and more. I have very high expectations from my partners because I know what a "good" man is like. I am unwilling to settle for anything less. In other words, having a father who treated me with the utmost respect and love has, in some ways, contributed to my having set the bar high for the men I date.

I had an incredibly strained, dysfunctional relationship with my mother. It was extremely abusive. For many years, I had trouble maintaining friendships with women. It gave me a negative view of women, growing up. Over time, I realized that I was being silly by keeping women at arm's length. That realization greatly improved my relationships and helped me develop closer, more meaningful bonds with the women in my life.

My parents never got along. I learnt a lot from their fights. I'll get into it in a subsequent post.

 

[KTC]

My mother spent my childhood telling me how awful (mentally and emotionally abusive) my father was, and later broadening it to men in general. My father spent my early early adolescence explaining that my mother has no sense, and later broadening it to women, and finally just people in general. I came to the conclusion that marriage is socially acceptable, committed prostitution and that love does not exist, and upon telling my mother of my findings, she agreed. She has since told me about how she married my father to get out of her childhood home and that she had no intention of remaining with him for the rest of her life. They've been married for 30 years, and the only reason they are still together is because she is financially dependent on him, and he made a commitment to her (he's a good Christian).

I am pretty misanthropic. I think it would be nice to eventually find someone to spend time with, but I can't allow myself to be emotionally (or physically, for that matter) close to anyone.

Oh, and as for my dad's "abuse?" He's an ENTJ. Nothing more.

 

[Perspicacious]

I have things I don't want to have happen in a relationship, because of what I saw in my parents marriage...and things I don't want to do as a parent.

Subconsciously I may have been attracted in my early adulthood to people who were controlling and somewhat abusive because of how I was used to being treated.

Unhealthy INFJ mother + over-worked stressed unhappy ENTJ step-father.... + 4 kids. It was rough.

 

[MyName]

I'm pretty much consciously avoiding anyone who reminds me of my mother. Which likely means no xSFJ, I'm afraid.

 

[Persephone]

My ISTP father is a manchild. My ISFJ mother calls all the shots at home and basically coddles my dad, and whenever she gets angry he just sits there and doesn't make a sound. I've definitely been attracted to boys like him- sincere, a simpleton, doesn't support or protect you, and a good man, but emotionally mute and will not ever tell you he likes you (although my mother told me that when they were young she threatened to leave him and that caught him off guard- he cried). All of that, and the fact that he was absent for half of my life. But I've also been attracted to his polar opposite, my INTJ teacher. It was one of the most intense attractions in my life and I'm still reeling from it. He's everything my father was not: protective, masculine and assertive. When he walks into the room, it just falls silent. That is how charismatic he is- a very strong sense of presence, a commanding and musical baritone voice and unwavering eye contact.

After a while, however, I realized that I wanted to be his daughter, and I was more jealous of his children (oddly I never thought about his wife) and was filled with joy whenever he paid me a compliment or gave me support during hard times. My own father never did that and left me to fend for myself when I was being bullied in school, telling me instead to take no action against the bully. My intense connection to the INTJ just confused my feelings. He was many things to me at once: a mentor, a father and a love interest. I think I've sorted things out now and I'm much more comfortable having a romantic relationship with people other than those like my father, and those like my teacher, although I have to say my boyfriend is more of the latter.

 

[dejavu]

I've learned from what my parents did right and what they did wrong. My parents had more traditional gender roles, and I found it disgusting that my mom cleaned the house and cooked dinner every day even though she worked too. I would never stand for that in my own life.

My parents were always trying to improve, though, and they did their best to have calm discussions with each other and understand. That's admirable, I think.

I hadn't noticed this myself, until it was pointed out to me, but I've been drawn to guys who are somewhat critical, most likely because my dad is. I don't like that idea, so I'm trying to deal with that now.

 

[Berdudget]

I grew up hearing, "Women always marry their fathers." I was so desparate NOT to do that :laughing: that I rather obliviously ended up marrying my mother instead! Even though my mother is an ISFJ 6 and my husband is an ENTP 7, they have some unmistakable social similarities. I have the same inclination as you - to be attracted to people who could "take it or leave it."

 

[sleepyhead]

I grew up in a pretty healthy household for the most part. My parents had a happy, healthy relationship but I don't remember there being very many public displays of affection, partly I think, because they had 3 young children fairly close in age so those kind of things were more afterthoughts. Although I often remember coming into the kitchen and my parents just standing there hugging for a few minutes before moving on to whatever they were doing.

I grew up seeing traditional gender roles but my mom has always actively identified as a feminist and stressed equality division of tasks, however, I think she set herself up by taking on more than was realistic and that was a pattern they both got stuck in until she had a nervous breakdown a few years ago. Now they're both very careful about making sure she's not taking on too much.

I have a good relationship with both my parents growing up and have always been close to them. My mom is an open book and very supportive and my dad is less forthcoming with his own feelings but is also very supportive. He's had anger issues when we were growing up and that was something I knew I wouldn't put up with in a partner. Out of the two my dad is a bit more traditional and judgmental, however, he keeps most of his judgments to himself.

My partner is like my dad in a lot of ways, but very different in other ways. In the ways he is similar, I appreciate (for the most part) but my partner is much more calm and doesn't get stressed as easily or over the same small things. I had some intimacy issues in the past that I think partly stem from how closed off my dad can be and how uncomfortable he can sometimes seem with certain shows of affection, but I feel I've mostly worked past them now.

In my experience, parents relationship between each other and with their children has a big influence on how they eventually act out relationships, whether it's to repeat patterns unknowingly or to really actively rebel against those patterns.

 

[Master Mind]

My parents' relationship was a model for me for what I did NOT want any relationship of my own to be. I was actually irritated as a kid when people just assumed I would get married when I grew up, because if what I saw was how marriage was, then I wanted nothing to do with it.

 

[Kyandigaru]

I was just wondering this. And also, how do you think your parents relation with each other effects your choice of partner and the type of romantic relationship that you have today?

I've been starting to think about this myself, since I tend to be with and fall in love with men, who doesn't really give me that much attention. Men, who clearly are as fine with me as without. Then I started to think about my dad. Sweet and loving at times, but most of the time just abscent minded, always working, a distant carachter.

And I was thinking of his and my mothers relationship. How he never encouraged her, but so often putted her down. How I didn't see him behaving affectionate towards her one single time during my childhood. Am I now reliving this as an adult? If so, how can one do to free oneself from a family pattern?

HAHAHAHA....! (laughing at my own parents love life)

My mother always warned me to NEVER get with a man like my father. My father isn't a logical person, he's an overall a--hole. The good things about my father is his, sense of humor, loyal to his children, giving, goofy, willing to give advice and helpful...

I love both my parents, but I'm closer to my mother however, I tend to look for the personality traits of a man that my mother possesses. She's the light of my life!

Dispite my parents downs in their marriage, they are dedicated to loving each other and the marriage, just to stay together. Very ol' school.

 

[donkeybals]

I've noticed no correlation, what so ever.

 

[knittigan]

My parents had a very unhealthy relationship. My father was physically and emotionally abusive and my mother had a very hard time standing up for herself because of it. He cheated on her for years. Very publicly, too, so I always knew.

I used to be very, very attracted to men who subconsciously reminded me of my father because on some level I felt like if I could get them to pay attention to me, it would somehow make up for his negligence/absence while I was growing up. And then I realised what I was doing and felt like the cliche to end all worlds, so I made a conscious effort to stop. These days, I strongly dislike men who remind me of my father, which means that I am usually drawn to quiet, intellectual, emotionally intelligent men. Bonus points for being some sort of Fe/white knight-ish character. I am unbelievably attracted to men who are atypically masculine. I adore xxFJs. Because my parents had a very traditional relationship in terms of gender roles, I react very, very poorly to people or situations that position me as playing “the girl” in a relationship. This isn’t to say that I’m a domineering person myself, just that I prefer someone who treats me like an equal.

My parents weren't physically or emotionally demonstrative with each other or my siblings and me in any positive sense, so the idea of PDA is completely alien to me. I still get very awkward if my boyfriend touches me casually in front of our families or friends. I'm working on that, though.

I am fairly wary of marriage because I don't have a good referent. I still don’t really see marriage as necessary, but I could appreciate it as a visible symbol of commitment, if it were presented in the right way and if it were important to my partner.

Basically, my MO tends to be to avoid all things that remind me of my parents. Experience has proven that they cannot and should not be trusted.

 

[tiptaptoe]

My ISTP father is a manchild. My ISFJ mother calls all the shots at home and basically coddles my dad

Heyyyy, are you me? ;> ISTP father leaves ISFJ mom to run the house and hold the family together... Yeah, sounds familiar.

As a child I was made painfully aware of the fact that my very down-to-earth Sensor parents were forever scratching their heads and losing their patience with their head-in-the-clouds iNtuitive, which taught me that if I want a partner who really understands me, I need a fellow N-pref. More recently I was made aware of the fact that my F-pref mom managed to sloooowly get my T-pref dad to be less emotionally-handicapped over the years, which led me to conclude that Fs and Ts can be good for each other.

I'm dating an NF. Logical partner choice is logical.

 

[Agent Blackout]

My Family

Dad=ISFJ
Mom=ENTJ
Bro=ESTP

So I have experience with SJ, SP, NT, and I get along with NFs (me being an NT) .
Idk, I like everybody. No clear preference for anything specific, other than a slight preference for strong ENTJ/ENTP women.
But my mom isn't too much the leader type, so idk if there's any connection.

 

[TheChickAbides]

My parents taught me what not to do in a relationship and certain tendencies to avoid in a partner. All by example of course.

 

[stiletto]

I wanted the exact opposite kind of partnership my parents had.
My ISTJ dad was abusive to my ENFJ mother and it was absolute chaos in the house.

My ISFP husband is nothing like either of them.

I grew up knowing a lot of what I "didn't want" in life. I'm an ENTJ.

 

[Veggie]

My parents have been together since right after high school. They did a long distance thing going to separate colleges and then got married.

Their love story is cute. They didn't even attend the same school and she knew who he was through "he's hot!" gossip. (He won most talented for his class too). They both worked at a pizzeria, and apparently the dudes rated the ladies by the pizza options they offered (1-25) and my mom was a "25 with extra cheese" - haha. They're both total (and self proclaimed) dorks though too LOL. Gamers.

I kinda hate how cute they are. They say that you're supposed to try to give your kids a better life than what you had, so I feel like they've created this high standard. (Maybe I won't even have kids, idk, but that kinda seems tied to long term monogamy in my mind).

I'm kind of a daddy's girl. He probably looks after me more than he needs to considering I'm in my 30's now. Lol. During my adolescence we weren't that close (he worked all the time - but he would still always have time to help me with math homework :happy, but we bonded a lot in my twenties. I discovered that he's a Ni dom too (INTJ). It's like I'm his daughter or something.

I debate and talk ideas with my dad and my brother all the time. They're very intellectually stimulating to me. I think I maybe place a high value on physicality in relationships due to that. I'm very sentimental about my bonds with them. Romantic relationships need to feel different (right? Freudian shit always gets weird :laughing. Special in their own ways.

My crushiest of celebrity crushes is Vince Vaughn. Lol. Maybe it's, again, that want for different. My dad's more reserved. (But Vince Vaughn usually plays characters that are totally family oriented at the same too...which is very much my dad).