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How does your type generally show kindness and care for others without Fe?

2K views 17 replies 14 participants last post by  Schlinky 
#1 ·
Curious to see how kindness/love plays out in types who are not Fe-dominant, or do not have Fe in their primary stack at all. Also because I believe kindness/caring for others is NOT AT ALL dependent on the functions you use. Sure, being strong with Fe will make it easier to care for others; however, having Fe does not automatically mean you will be kind and the absence of it does not make you less likely to care for others.

For example, when I want to do something kind for others and show them that I care, I focus more on how I can do something that can be beneficially useful to others when I'm trying to be kind. Of course, I do care about how they feel and part of my goal would be that they feel better after my help...but them feeling better is something that I hope happens as a result of their ability to emotionally adjust after my actions have helped their situation, not as a result of my catering to their emotional problems. I personally prefer that others be responsible for dealing with their own feelings/emotions and only relying on me to help them deal with the situation that's making them feel a certain way (pure emotional support without doing anything to help them deal with the situation just seems shallow to me, and I hate having to deal with people who only want me to make them feel better while refusing to listen to any advice I give them about how to overcome the actual problem that's making them feel bad) so I'm more concerned with the methods that I take to show them that I care, specifically focusing on how those methods can accomplish something useful and beneficial for their overall well-being, and then leaving it up to the person to feel a certain way. I guess that's an example of how Te can be used to show kindness? (who knows, maybe I was using Fe, I've been conflicted with my type before and have strongly considered myself as a potential INFJ, but I've recently re-taken personality tests on different websites, and I'm still getting INTJ on them all...)

Anyway, I'm just curious to hear from non-Fe users about how they show that they care for others. How do you show kindness and how do you think your non-Fe cognitive functions play a role (if any)?
 
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#4 ·
I used to think I was an INTP but now I think I'm an ENFP, so apparently I have Te (although it's very undeveloped).

I tend to model my empathy based on how something would make me feel, and imagining it. Like I've been homeless before, so I have a lot of sympathy for the homeless and usually give them money if I have it or at least say hi to them so they feel a little bit less lonely that day.
 
#5 · (Edited)
i don't keep promises, i usually do what pleases me and this pisses off my friends, like appointments, we might set an appointment for 9pm and i might decide i'm not going at 8.45, i lost some of them because of this because this applies at a greater scale to everything.
but to be fair most of the time i don't have a strong opinion about things, like let's say a saturday night plan, i'm fine with whatever is proposed.
i have taken the girl of 2 of my friends, both got extremely pissed at me but we managed to work it out because it wasn't me actively trying to do so, just coincidences, wrong time at the wrong place haha.
i'm kind in practical ways like paying my friend beers if he's got no money, or maybe, not saying awful things about him that i know will make him feel bad, i hold a lot of personal criticism towards people, that's my kindness, and i think i try to praise people's work and dedication and appreciate their accomplishments. or at least i try.
 
#11 ·
Mmmm... For my promises. It depends on the fidelity of the other, obviously. But I always keep my appointments. Really it bothers me not to honor that. It is a serious lack of respect if it is not clearly justified. For the rest I recognize myself.

Respect is the basis of all relation.
 
#6 ·
I guess by imaging yourself to be in other person's shoes - if you have had experiences with the situation other person has, it's quite easy to "emulate" Fe for an ENFP. It's more difficult for Fi user when they haven't had that experiences by themselves.

But having no Fe in your primary stack doesn't actually mean you have no feelings or emotions about other people or that you don't care about them - Fi just doesn't display it to external world so well as Fe does.
 
#7 ·
In the early stages of my relationship with an INTJ, I didn't understand his ways of showing caring and love. As an Fe user myself I wanted something overt. What I've learned is that he expresses love/fondness in the following ways (this was a sentence but it's going bullet-point):

-the desire to spend time with me
-an eagerness to share his deepest thoughts when asked (not to be confused with feelings - that takes great patience, with Fi being tertiary for him)
-an openness to my response to subjects he's given a great amount of thought (as these are very personal for him)
-his patience with me in teaching me about something I'm understanding for the first time
-physical affection (may differ person to person but it's one of his things)

I don't hear a lot of "I love you"s. I don't get a lot of thoughtful gifts. But I hear him loud and clear. :redface:

Fi can be a frustrating enigma for Fe users. Fi users care through how the person makes them feel about themselves and about the time they spend with that person. I completely respect it.
 
#8 ·
This INTJ-ENTP dynamic reminds me a lot of my (INTP) personal experience with ENFPs, even though the Fi-Fe thing should be reversed according to function theory. I think it's more just about general introversion/extraversion. Us introverts (especially Thinkers) in general aren't all that expressive which can really frustrate extraverts who perceive things through their own eyes.

So if extraverts are always outwardly warm and affectionate when they are interested in someone and don't see the same from you, they instinctively assume that you aren't interested even though it's really just a case of the same feelings provoking a different external reaction (or lack of one).
 
#9 ·
INFJ, simple:
- Be respectul
- Be nice
- Be polite

It's rather easy. T and F alike, people are primarly emotional creatures, it's more important if they feel included, important, understood than if you agree with them and tell them they're right. Above all, people want to feel good. Make an effort to try to understand other people, see things from their perspective, emotionally speaking, from a how-would-they-feel point of view.
 
#10 ·
It has to be noted that F does not mean kindness. F simply tells you what is agreeable. Fe would say "this is good/agreeable based on the object" (not consensus, I hate using that in descriptions). You can be an F dom and be the coldest person alive, and I met a few. I mean, there's never been a nice IXTP. Anyway, how do I show kindness? Don't be an extreme dick and help them out when they're down.
 
#12 ·
I mean, there's never been a nice IXTP

But fundamentally, the extraverted feeling is both empathy and compassion. Empathy is an added value to the extraverted feeling. Then it just means that this part of us is more difficult to unlock in inferior position. It's reather a good thing in hard situation. That's explain that so many fireman and policeman are ISTP. So many psychiatrists are INTP...
 
#14 · (Edited)
Isn't it obvious? You and everyone else use Fe. Forget the whole function model crap. We're all Fe users. (In fact, we're all all function users.) The only difference between people is the degree in which they use particular functions. You would be severely limiting yourself by suppressing Fe because "I am an INTJ and INTJ uses Fi instead Fe." You know Fi becomes Fe when you direct it to the external world right?
 
#17 ·
The big thing with me is trying to solve your problems, which is interesting because I know that actually bothers some people. Sometimes people just want to vent or just need someone to talk to. But if I care about you, my first impulse is to want to fix whatever it is. I am really realizing that I am a natural caretaker, just not the way people tend to think about what being a caretaker is.

Two examples:

1) So, the woman I'm interested in was recently sick. So was half of our department at work. Only she got advice from me on what medicine to take, and she was the only one I actually brought medicine to. She was the only one I asked even once "how do you feel"--forget about the 4 or so times I asked her. Most of those times were after I gave her the medicine samples, to see if they worked. I wanted to fix her. :wink-new:

2) I'm one of those adult children who ends up parenting the parents when they get old. It really irritates both of my parents, but I don't stop. My father has nicknamed me "the warden." He was recently diagnosed with cancer and has a bunch of other health problems, so I have told him he's not allowed to go to the doctor by himself anymore. I go and make sure I know everything that's going on, i.e. everything the doctor says about meds, what not to eat, what his blood pressure is, what is wrong, etc, and I ask questions/tell the doctor stuff my father won't ask/tell him. My mother has told me she doesn't want to live with me because I'm too bossy.

I am not emotional about any of this stuff when I do it; I am my usual stoic self. And it doesn't just apply to doctor-ing people--I will spend hours trying to fix technical issues, too, for example. So, nothing all that touchy-feely or romantic, but...at least I think the woman at my job appreciated my playing doctor!
 
#18 ·
I would describe myself as cognitively caring without being affectively caring. I'm not inclined to gush over how you feel and be all emotionally reflective (though I will be cognizant), but I will step up if there's something you need and I recognize I can do something to assist. It might be lending an ear or helping you out with something tangible, but it's almost as if my Fi is intrinsically linked with my Te when I use it relative to other people. It's oddly goal oriented and I'm always thinking about what I'm doing and to what end.
 
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