Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
(I'm new here, so sorry if this is already a thread or if I've done anything else wrong, aha. :unsure: )

As long as I can remember, I've been an extremely private person. I prefer not to share my woes with others (even now, sharing a problem with complete strangers is a bit awkward for me). My reticent nature has caused tensions and is continuing to cause tension in romantic relationships. With my most recent ex, he would become so frustrated because he had to pry everything out of me. I felt bad I'd put him through so much just to receive an answer to a simple "what's wrong?", issues never got resolved, and so on and so forth.

Anyways, I've recently began seeing this guy and things are getting pretty serious. He's super understanding, patient, and he respects that I'm not the ; with him, I feel a bit of my 'wall' being brought down. I have to urge to just bare my soul to him and tell him what's on my mind, but part of me is still a bit apprehensive to do that. I suppose I'm afraid of rejection (I don't want to scare him off by being over-emotional or anything of the sorts).

Any other INFJs with this predicament? I mean, where did you even start?

Thanks in advance! :tongue:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
932 Posts
For the most part, I handle myself in a friendly manner, offering things about me to people (in general) that seem rather personal but roll off me with ease. People think I'm confiding with them; I'm not. I don't mind that --- it's a trust thing. People also like others who seem fallible. (God this sounds so manipulative, I swear it's not meant to be).

What it feels like is ... its as if I'm tearing off pieces of myself, floating them to the ground. If they take the bait, if they're following the trail, I keep going and at some point that person gains my trust. It helps having a good judge of character. I don't blindly test every person (thank God). Opening up is like watching the clouds parting to reveal the sun, or a flower gracefully blooming ... it's a slow process.

At some point in time you have to decide what side of the line you want to be --- safe or exposed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,951 Posts
Oh yeah, same old me. I used to be the same -romantic deep down, yet skeptical when it came to love/romantic relationships. I always prided myself on being an independent woman and as @Queen Qualia here said, an ideal celibate. To a certain extent, it is true. I am good on my own and this can make me sort of "incapable" of truly opening up to someone.
However, something happened. Somebody broke down my all so present walls. Maybe it was because I let him. Maybe because I was finally ready despite having a multitude of rational reasons that say "no". But what I do know, is that my heart is terribly fragile, vulnerable right now. He enthuses me, he kills me slowly too. But I now know that I love him. So much that it hurts. I don't know, my idea is that maybe-no matter how "cliche-ic" it seems, you haven't found the right person to feel like opening up to. You should take things slowly with this guy and be yourself-the only genuine thing you can be. If he can take that, good for him. If not, his loss. ;) Be brave and try to get used to the idea of love.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,016 Posts
It just takes time. There is nothing wrong with opening up slowly. Allow people to earn your trust as you get to know them, and don't think twice about keeping some things private until you absolutely know you can share them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,095 Posts
I'm really private too, and usually I don't open up until I'm forced to, if the shit hits the fan.

Gradually, I learn to take people seriously when they say "whats wrong?" and attempt to open up, and usually it works out pretty well, way better than I thought it would.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
585 Posts
It's not like you have to suddenly spout everything about yourself, but if someone, especially your boyfriend, is genuinely asking you "what's wrong" or asking for your opinion, then there's hardly a better time to say what you think or how you feel. If the root problem is a fear of rejection, then you have to get the guts to beat that, because ironically, never opening up at ALL (especially when asked) is a sure ticket to breaking up.

Yet you don't and shouldn't feel pressured to say anything if you don't want to. It's simply that relationships are a GIVE and take. It's a paradox, I guess, but my best two cents is, if they're asking you something and they care about you, they WANT to hear what they say - forget what they're going to think when you say it, just say it. Assuming you're not some crazy racist out to conquer the world, I'm sure they'll be happy to hear what you have to say, and if not, then if it happens frequently they may not be the right person for you. Even the happiest couples disagree or get upset at each other periodically too, so don't be afraid.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
256 Posts
This is something I've worked on. I started out by taking note if I have an emotional reaction to something, and then deciding how I would word it to my loved one. Then, I would say to them, "Hey, this thing happened at work today." And then I would describe the situation and my reaction to it. It would be too scary for me to "express" emotions about it (like I wouldn't cry about it, or sound sad/angry/whatever), but I could just describe the situation to them. That alone was huge. It also helped to start with small things, things that didn't really affect me much.

Also, I have learned that truly opening up for me (being vulnerable) actually means expressing happiness/joy/optimism. I tend to always be "waiting for the other shoe to drop" in life, so it's very hard for me to allow myself to hope, and then to share that hope with someone else. I don't stand to lose much if I'm sad in front of someone, but I'm really putting myself on the line if I'm excited in front of them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
320 Posts
I think most INFJs are private about themselves with people, especially ones they aren't comfortable with. With me, how much I tell a person about myself depends on my feelings honestly. I get these notions about people and it's like I'm connected with them. Recently I've been talking to a friend of a friend and she's very trustworthy; a fellow INFJ in fact. Though I don't know her very well and haven't talked to her for long, out the blue we started exchanging our problems with each other. I can't put it in words, but I generally rely on my intuition when relaying my problems to people. I don't go around telling strangers my worries, but when I get my hunches - and they're very rare - you best bet I'm going to put it to the test.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
864 Posts
I don't really open up in relationships. Most likely because I don't have the chance to do so. Nearly all the people that I meet have to go through this period of small talk in order establish a connection and what not. I usually do not get out of the small talk phase. If I someone do manage to get out of the small talk phase or get to a point where I can share a deep point of view of mine, others won't really open up to me, so it just doesn't work out and I get bored really fast. Sadly, I've learned not to unleash my weird INTP mind with most people too fast because they will get uncomfortable from not understanding me.

I was able to get through the small talk phase rather quickly with this person i met a few weeks ago. He's a therapist (surprise surprise) and knew about MTBI. So I was able to get a good convo going and we both had a lot in common. He was an INFJ and I told him I was an INTP. He also said that one of his best friends was another INTP. So that's really cool. Hopefully, we'll become bros and hang out more often. My GF is also INFJ and of course, she knows everything about me. I * think* I know everything about her, but I'm probably kidding myself. lol. You INFJs are the best! :happy:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
I think it definitely just takes time. Vulnerability is natural and just take it in stride.

However, always be honest and open with this person about your feelings. Because if you are not, you are training them to assume you are someone else.

Lastly, you may also need to do a little bit of self work on understand and then being able to communicate your feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
111 Posts
Maybe it's my particular realizations about dating women? Please hear me out.

From a male INFJ perspective it's torturous not knowing who the heck it is I'm dating. I have a really strong desire for things to be genuine for my life in general.

And, in general there's a particular process that goes on between women and men when we date. Ladies, once you get comfortable with us we are given very little time to get to know you. If we aren't certain that we really like you and show you desire, you will generally friendzone a guy for being an indecisive wuss. It's like you need to have certainty that you are desired, bare in mind this happens before we know who one another are in most cases.

So, for someone like myself wanting things to be genuine I end up getting stuck between feeling guilty for escalating and leading a woman on simply for doing what I feel she needs. But at the same time I violate the most important thing I value in order to keep from being friendzoned in hopes that I will later find out I really like her, and really can connect with her.

What I realize is we don't really break through one anothers masks sometimes for months. But what happens in those months??? We pretend like we know one another and base the first part of relationships on facades and what we do together rather than discovering and exploring who one another are. It feels incredibly empty and lacking to carry on sleeping with and dating a woman I sometimes never really get to know. What happens is I either realize that she will never open up, or I get to finally know who she is with time and don't end up liking her and feel guilty for escalating in the first place.

When I was younger it was simply all about getting to the point where I realize a woman trusted me enough for me to escalate and possibly have sex with her.. But as an adult the same pattern leaves me feeling like I'll never find anyone that I genuinely desire and connect with.

So, for you lady INFJ's that don't open up.. You should realize that you are sleeping with total stranger that you have yet to really connect with, or even know.

Knowing one another is about reciprocation.. If you cant do that, you are just playing house.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,223 Posts
I'm a pretty private individual as well. I don't open up often to people about my problems. I have a very few people I open up to and probably only one or two who I tell everything to. I guess I bit afraid of people rejecting the nonperfect/weak side of me. But you know, it takes time, I'm sure if he's as patient and kind as you say he is, he'll be happy to know that he's one of the few people you're willing to open up to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
I know how you guys feel it is hard for me to open up to someone I practically raised myself as a kid got married to young he stated drinking and being verbally abusive.i stayed for 22 years and 5 children being told everything I said was dumb stupid and I don't know what talking about among other things. I was just going through the motion with no emotion. Them 2 years after my divorce I felt I found a lover and a friend. It was good until I he left his phone at my house and listened to a message from his ex crying saying he made her fall in love with h again and when I asked he told me it was nothing and I was being insecure. And I never got to express how I felt yeah it hurt but don't blame me for your unfaithfulness. There is more I can get into at a later date dealing with him And my kids but now I try to just say how I feel with no drama. If they don't own up its on them them I can decide if it's worth staying or cut my losses. But I tell you it is very hard to give of myself because the fear of being used and taken advantage of but I stii believe in Love!
 
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Top