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Discussion Starter #1
Type 6's and those with a Six-wing, I am curious to know how good you are at forgiving others, or if you would consider yourself to be more forgiving than most?

For example, if you were waiting for someone to pick you up and give you a ride somewhere and they never showed up and never contacted you to let you know that they weren't able to make it (perhaps they just forgot)... on a scale of 1 to 10 how forgiving would you be (10 being so forgiving that it doesn't even upset you)?

What if you knew someone who kept embarrassing you in public (or insulting you) even when you told them that it bothers you and that you preferred they not do that?

And finally, in the circumstance that someone swears they "cannot" change their behavior (for example, always showing up 30 minutes late or always "forgetting" to do what you asked them to do) how forgiving would you be towards these individuals?
 

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For the first scenario and the third, I have been dealing with that very thing with two people I know for the past year. I've been pretty patient about it. The two of them doing this for so long has upset me, but I haven't given one of them any indication at all that it has bothered me just because I don't see myself as close enough to that one person to bring it up and make a fuss about it. The other one I finally brought it up to them when they planned to see me on Halloween and never followed through and went a whole two days afterward without saying anything to me about it. Because it was a holiday, I didn't see them having as much of an excuse as usual. It hasn't gotten better with either of them so I've just silently decided to give up on trying to plan anything with either of them.

For the second scenario... I did have a similar situation like that with my mother insulting me and not seeming like she would change her behavior if I tried to tell her to stop, though it wasn't in public. I did get her to stop - after I made a facebook post calling her out for it because I knew she was sensitive about her image on social media. That was the first and so far last time I've ever brought my personal life into anything I've posted on there. I sometimes wonder if I should have done that and if it was a bit silly of me to do or maybe an overreaction, but well, I can't go back and change it and it did seem to work.

I'm not sure how "forgiving" this would make me. For me it seems to depend on how good and well-intentioned the person I'm dealing with is. If I've determined they're overall a bad or toxic person, there's no forgiveness. Not until I see real indicators that they're changing and even then, depending on who they are or how comfortable I feel with them, I might be hesitant. I used to be more forgiving than this, to an unhealthy degree - which caused me to end up in a relationship with someone who was emotionally abusive. So that's definitely affecting my answer here.

I saw a quote yesterday that I agreed with and would go well with this. It is religious, though I am not.

"Judaism believes that while forgiveness is often a virtue, hate can be virtuous when one is dealing with the frightfully wicked. Rather than forgive, we can wish ill; rather than hope for repentance, we can instead hope that our enemies experience the wrath of God."
 

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@neptune_faced Yes, I usually think the waiting 2 days to bring something up is wayyy too rude. I remember venting about this in a sort of public area, and a girl next to me said, "Then that person is NOT your friend." And I took her advice and stopped talking to them altogether. Everything else you said I can pretty much relate to, because my mind works a similar way. Except for the calling out your mom thing, which I have never actually done although I agree, if you "stop" someone from doing what they do to you, kudos to you! You have removed their pay-off (getting away with their bad behavior).

My forgiveness in the past has been more like understanding that others live by the motto "I don't owe anyone anything... except for perhaps my children or someone I have signed a contract with (including spouse)" whereas I of course do not live by that motto. It's childish to promise someone you'll show up and then not. And then they act like if they just "feign" they didn't know what's going on, that you would just not draw attention to it.

I actually am religious, but the quote that helped me the most was the cliche that "They aren't getting away with anything. They are the same a*hole everywhere they go" .... and usually life catches up with them and it shows.

As far as people who are bad or toxic, pay attention to what people "tell" you. I knew a girl from college whose sister had a similar personality to me. The sister and I never got into ANY disagreements and overall, she seemed to get along with her friends fine. So the girl is telling me how her sister is evil and always a b*tch and she's playing the victim card to me. Until I finally realized why that was... because she is so toxic and her sister just was completely fed up with it. Now, I pay close attention to the words people say. If they call others "psycho" or "crazy" often (I'm talking about strangers they don't even know well enough to judge) usually I find that person is projecting and they are the ones with a lot of problems. Likewise with people who tell you that they pretty much are a "loner" and don't care about relationships... don't keep those people around. They are only using you for convenience.

I realized that there was a person in my life whose pay off was simply "seeing" me in person. So long as that condition was met, they were a happy camper. However, I was completely not okay with how they were treating me but because we run in the same circles, I had to literally remove myself from those circles and find new circles just so that person could not continue to get a pay off. Some people simply cannot learn from any other way than tough love and boundaries.

Thank you for your response!
 

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1st example, I'd be somewhat irritated, probably avoid trying to rely on that person for a ride in the future but I wouldn't take it personally or hate them for it. I'd rank 4-5 on forgiveness.

Second scenario is in the red zone probably a 0-3 for my lack of forgiveness. If the person were purposefully doing these things against me then I'm likely gonna hold a grudge against them for it. I have no hope that they'll ever change their mind about me so by the time they're insulting me I'm ready to burn bridges. If they're merely embarassing me due poor self-control or awareness then I'll still be mad but an apology will make the difference.

3rd scenario I'd be an 8-9 on forgiveness. They aren't intentionally or personally trying to bother me, they're human, they warned me about it ahead of time, and I have my fair share of bad habits.
 

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(I) If someone was a no-show, without contact when they were able to, I would assign that person to permanent "flake" category. I wouldn't be surprised, but I would be enraged by their non-contact, however. I would not seek revenge. 50% forgiveness.

(II) If someone kept being socially unacceptable to me, I'd think of something extremely private, and completely beyond the pale of polite discourse, and say it in public when and where the offender was present, but not immediately following a transgression of theirs, so it wouldn't sound like a butthurt retort. I would never forgive this, and I would take revenge as effectively and proportionately as I could. 0% forgiveness.

(III) Just make a backup plan, which you already have done for every plan. Honestly, so many people are like that, it's pretty much the default. There's nothing to forgive. It'd be like making fun of a retard for having trouble with thinking. N/A for forgiveness.
 

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Type 6's and those with a Six-wing, I am curious to know how good you are at forgiving others, or if you would consider yourself to be more forgiving than most?
Oh god. I am definitely less forgiving than most people, I can hold a grudge for a long time. I never forgive and never forget. It's one of my worst traits.

For example, if you were waiting for someone to pick you up and give you a ride somewhere and they never showed up and never contacted you to let you know that they weren't able to make it (perhaps they just forgot)... on a scale of 1 to 10 how forgiving would you be (10 being so forgiving that it doesn't even upset you)?
I hate when this happens. My aunt's done this to me around 10 years ago and every time I think about it I get annoyed at her. I'm still on speaking terms with her however and she's more than made it up to me, but I still haven't fully forgiven her for it. 3.5/10

What if you knew someone who kept embarrassing you in public (or insulting you) even when you told them that it bothers you and that you preferred they not do that?
This is absolutely despicable behavior, the fact that the person knows that they're bothering and they continue to do it is unforgivable. I'm mad at people who have embarrassed and insulted me years ago and I still think about it on a regular basis. 1/10

And finally, in the circumstance that someone swears they "cannot" change their behavior (for example, always showing up 30 minutes late or always "forgetting" to do what you asked them to do) how forgiving would you be towards these individuals?
It's frustrating and not something that I would forgive, but not something that upsets me as much as the previous two incidents. 4/10
 
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Discussion Starter #7
A lot of the responses I can identify with, especially the holding a grudge for a long time. Certain people whom I no longer speak to on a regular basis, when I think of them or their name pops up in conversation, the first thing I think of is what they did to me that was completely unacceptable behavior. So definitely, there is a "not forgetting" aspect regardless of if I've forgiven them and moved on or what not.

I feel a little different about the category of people who "just forget". Usually forgetting to me signifies that they do not think you are important, or do not think the task they were asked to do is important. I mean, I'm pretty sure they don't "forget" to cash their paycheck.

As for seeking revenge, I try not to do that because it makes me feel even worse sometimes like I am assigning myself homework to purposefully wreck someone's life. However, occasionally it just pops out without any planning. I found I did this the other day when an obnoxious guy whom I had never said much more than a sarcastic "SHUT UP..." to was around when a girl (who has unacceptable behavior that she cannot change because she's pretty much a social retard) did something rude to me. It was partially his fault that the girl did what she did, so I blamed it on him and insulted him in a way that I thought might really strike a nerve with him. Although he didn't respond, I know it bothered him because later he was mean to another guy. It made me think it was like a totem pole of bullying the next person down the pole. This is why I don't particularly like getting revenge although I have been more confrontational about when people are inconsiderate compared to in my past.
 

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Type 6's and those with a Six-wing, I am curious to know how good you are at forgiving others, or if you would consider yourself to be more forgiving than most?
I'm okay at forgiving others and I wouldn't know, I don't really compare myself to others on that area, or I have never really looked into it.
For example, if you were waiting for someone to pick you up and give you a ride somewhere and they never showed up and never contacted you to let you know that they weren't able to make it (perhaps they just forgot)... on a scale of 1 to 10 how forgiving would you be (10 being so forgiving that it doesn't even upset you)?
It would bother me in the moment, but if their explanation later on is good enough my trust won't be diminished. If their explanation is unsatisfactory or then never give one I will simply either not rely on them or less. It's not really about holding a grudge, but I don't want to waste my energy on people that don't want to put forth the energy to do something for me. I might be okay again with them if they show they actually want and will put forth the effort for me.
What if you knew someone who kept embarrassing you in public (or insulting you) even when you told them that it bothers you and that you preferred they not do that?
If they keep embarassing me my level of trust certainly wouldn't be high, I wouldn't want to be around them. In order for me to trust them they would have to put forth a tremendous amount of effort, but eh, it might be possible.
And finally, in the circumstance that someone swears they "cannot" change their behavior (for example, always showing up 30 minutes late or always "forgetting" to do what you asked them to do) how forgiving would you be towards these individuals?
If they won't put forth the effort, I will stop doing that too. So as they "forget" more and more I will investing less and less into a possible connection or friendship. Only when they start investing again, I will start again.

I haven't connected score's to what I've said, because I would basically forgive people for doing every one of those things. I'm not one to hold grudges, but as the 'relationship' devolves and gets worse and they put in less effort, I start seeing it more like a transaction, since there is no trust, I want them to offer something, before I will and if they keep reciprocating trust will build slowly.
 

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I consider myself more capable of developing apathy than most, if that counts.

I'm rather tolerant of differences/flaws and the odd argument, but repeated offenses is what gets me really annoyed. Generally speaking, I see people as individually better at some things than others, so I never/rarely put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I count on people to do things I know they can/will do, and I don't count on them for what they can't/won't do. This makes it into a whole situation that, while I do get annoyed and disappointed by some people because humanity sucks, I'm not often put into the position of having to actively forgive anyone because I've already sized up the probability of their follow-through.

But I won't really stand for being insulted as a whole; I draw a quick boundary on that. There's friendly ribbing and all that, but I'm walking away if it starts to get... personal.
 

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Leahomme said:
Type 6's and those with a Six-wing, I am curious to know how good you are at forgiving others, or if you would consider yourself to be more forgiving than most?
I have a bit of trouble forgiving people. I think I'm prone to dwelling on past wrong doings. I do really try to be forgiving though, and I get frustrating with myself when I struggle with it because I do believe that God calls us to be forgiving towards others.

Also, I think it's important to understand what is meant by 'forgiveness.' For me it's just accepting that something was a mistake, or accepting that a certain person will act how they want and I can't do anything about their bad choices. But if it's a continued trend, I don't consider it part of forgiveness to keep myself around people who insist on treating me poorly. I'd pray for them and get myself away from their behavior that was having a negative effect on me (and try not to dwell on it.)

For example, if you were waiting for someone to pick you up and give you a ride somewhere and they never showed up and never contacted you to let you know that they weren't able to make it (perhaps they just forgot)... on a scale of 1 to 10 how forgiving would you be (10 being so forgiving that it doesn't even upset you)?
Details are important here for me, as they could really affect how irritated I am with the person. I'd say generally I'd be around a 3, but I'd cool off after a few days and try to just forget about it and not let it bother me anymore.

What if you knew someone who kept embarrassing you in public (or insulting you) even when you told them that it bothers you and that you preferred they not do that?
This one would certainly hurt more, but I also find it somewhat bizarre behavior. Very odd to me. I feel like I'd really try to be forgiving of this person if not just because it's really sad that they would have such a hard time not being mean to someone. So on your scale, I'd probably start around a 2 with it slowly rising as I realize this person isn't going to change and I can't do anything about it, coming to terms that I'd have to cut ties with this person. Who wants to be around someone who just embarrasses or insults you all the time?

And finally, in the circumstance that someone swears they "cannot" change their behavior (for example, always showing up 30 minutes late or always "forgetting" to do what you asked them to do) how forgiving would you be towards these individuals?
I'd start out around a 3 but I figure I'd have to eventually just accept that's the way the person is and they can't be relied upon. But it's hard to be close to someone on whom you can't really rely, so we'd probably drift apart.
 

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@Vive As far as realizing that you may not be able to rely on someone and then viewing the relationship as transactions... for me usually by the time I've reached that point I ought to just walk away from the relationship. I have known ZERO people in my life to have came back from having been either really unreliable or really apathetic about our relationship. I know that's the tough part with Type 6's is that we want something we can rely on... yet people are so unreliable (especially these days).

Recently, I was invited to a baby shower (that I specifically asked to be included in since I hadn't seen the hostess in years)... she's a super sweet girl who honestly is very kind and giving. (For years, she shared a car with her best friend, wow) So like, I RSVP'd and said yes. Then less than a week before the event, I got another email from her organizer about "please RSVP". I was like "again? seriously??" But apparently, so many people can no longer make it and don't even bother to let the organizer know, which ends up meaning they end up paying for extra food etc. which goes to waste. I was like, since when are people that rude? In the end, only like 14 people could make it to her baby shower and she was disappointed. I mean, considering that I hardly knew her and showed up... most of the people who didn't show up were people who did know her. I felt bad for her, but at the same time... such is life. Whenever I have events it's a miracle if even 7 people show up. People are just kind of unreliable in general. They lie too. One time my closest friend was pregnant and she bailed on me last minute and said she had an upset stomach. Later, I realized people lie all the time about being pregnant in case they miscarriage (which happened anyways). Still, I didn't appreciate being lied to. Another close friend bailed on me last minute because she wanted to get a new cell phone. It was like "yikes, apparently relationships come below her relationship with her phone". But I'm no longer friends with her anymore... because clearly there is a whole set of clashing values there between us.

I find that as people show me how unreliable they are or how apathetic they are about the relationship, that I just keep finding new friends. And the turnover rate can be very fast actually. It seems like I have no more than 2 close friends at a time that I've been friends with for longer than a year. I just constantly meet new people because it doesn't make sense to keep investing in relationships that haven't been working out. In religious terms, the phrase "a tree that isn't bearing fruit". A healthy tree (that is mature) should bear fruit... otherwise, it's either sick or otherwise unhealthy. And yeah, I'm not really going to wait around hoping for someone to change when they have no incentive to.
 

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Type 6's and those with a Six-wing, I am curious to know how good you are at forgiving others, or if you would consider yourself to be more forgiving than most?
It depends how much they affected me. If it wasn't a big deal, I would try to forgive them in order to avoid putting up with bitter feelings. If it was something that hurt me on a personal level, I'd probably hold a grudge but it wouldn't last longer than a few days. However, if someone never corrects their actions, I'll make an effort to prevent myself from forgiving them, even if it's the easier thing to do.

For example, if you were waiting for someone to pick you up and give you a ride somewhere and they never showed up and never contacted you to let you know that they weren't able to make it (perhaps they just forgot)... on a scale of 1 to 10 how forgiving would you be (10 being so forgiving that it doesn't even upset you)?
I'd definitely be annoyed but it depends on their reasoning. I'd most likely try to forget about it after a few days though. 5/10

What if you knew someone who kept embarrassing you in public (or insulting you) even when you told them that it bothers you and that you preferred they not do that?
Yeah I'll just cut ties with this person. I've had "friends" who have done things like this in the past and I've never spoken to them again. 1/10

And finally, in the circumstance that someone swears they "cannot" change their behavior (for example, always showing up 30 minutes late or always "forgetting" to do what you asked them to do) how forgiving would you be towards these individuals?
If someone said this to me, I won't ask them for any more favours so there technically won't be any need to forgive them.
 

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@Vive As far as realizing that you may not be able to rely on someone and then viewing the relationship as transactions... for me usually by the time I've reached that point I ought to just walk away from the relationship. I have known ZERO people in my life to have came back from having been either really unreliable or really apathetic about our relationship. I know that's the tough part with Type 6's is that we want something we can rely on... yet people are so unreliable (especially these days).
I do have to add, that in order for me to be 'transactional' with someone they have to seriously betray my trust first. I tend to be relatively trusting. I don't really test people, at least not consciously. I do pick up on what they do, try to see if there is mutual interest and I generally notice when a lot of favours don't get returned, when they are not willing to put forth the effort, but even then, depending on my level of interest in them, I go on a long time with trying to connect with these people, as long as they even give a minimal amount of reciprocity. I think I play out these things on a more intuitive level and I'm pretty okay with the way things turn out so, yeah.

Recently, I was invited to a baby shower (that I specifically asked to be included in since I hadn't seen the hostess in years)... she's a super sweet girl who honestly is very kind and giving. (For years, she shared a car with her best friend, wow) So like, I RSVP'd and said yes. Then less than a week before the event, I got another email from her organizer about "please RSVP". I was like "again? seriously??" But apparently, so many people can no longer make it and don't even bother to let the organizer know, which ends up meaning they end up paying for extra food etc. which goes to waste. I was like, since when are people that rude? In the end, only like 14 people could make it to her baby shower and she was disappointed. I mean, considering that I hardly knew her and showed up... most of the people who didn't show up were people who did know her. I felt bad for her, but at the same time... such is life. Whenever I have events it's a miracle if even 7 people show up. People are just kind of unreliable in general. They lie too. One time my closest friend was pregnant and she bailed on me last minute and said she had an upset stomach. Later, I realized people lie all the time about being pregnant in case they miscarriage (which happened anyways). Still, I didn't appreciate being lied to. Another close friend bailed on me last minute because she wanted to get a new cell phone. It was like "yikes, apparently relationships come below her relationship with her phone". But I'm no longer friends with her anymore... because clearly there is a whole set of clashing values there between us.
Be careful with these beliefs. I understand there are plenty of examples of people being untrusting, but if you walk through life expecting people to be untrustworthy I believe you will mostly find a way to confirm that belief. Be careful with ascribing traits to people on basis of their behavior. Circumstances are an important factor in life. When people look at themselves them mostly consider the circumstances, but when they look at others they mostly have the tendency to blame them on personality, or traits, even though the reason they behaved like they did was mostly influenced by circumstance. Also, in my personal experience, I've seen many instances of peopl being very trustworthy, but not everybody can be trusted with everything, luckily, there are plenty of people on this world.
I find that as people show me how unreliable they are or how apathetic they are about the relationship, that I just keep finding new friends. And the turnover rate can be very fast actually. It seems like I have no more than 2 close friends at a time that I've been friends with for longer than a year. I just constantly meet new people because it doesn't make sense to keep investing in relationships that haven't been working out. In religious terms, the phrase "a tree that isn't bearing fruit". A healthy tree (that is mature) should bear fruit... otherwise, it's either sick or otherwise unhealthy. And yeah, I'm not really going to wait around hoping for someone to change when they have no incentive to.
It's smart to get out of things like that before it becomes something that will drag you down. I personally have the tendency to stick with people for longer than necessary. I've found that life is hardly ever as easy as the examples you've provided in the OP seemed to be.
 
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It mostly depends on the person's relationship with me and the reasoning behind the situation.

I guess I should start by pointing out that I really don't hinge my expectations on others unless I know them well enough to be able to reasonably predict or count on something out of them. The closer a person is to me, the more I expect from them. At the same time, the closer they are, the more I'm generally aware of their weaknesses, as well. I wouldn't expect someone I know always runs late to be on time for something. That would just be illogical. Following that, I judge based on the reasoning in the situation. Also, I screw up, too, and I take that into consideration!

Here's a real example:
My hair stylist "stood me up" by accident earlier this week. She has two clients with my name and her other client with my name cancelled. She thought it was me and didn't come to my appointment. Then, we rescheduled, but as it turned out, there was bad weather, and her husband was stranded in another city. So she asked if we could reschedule again. I'd rate my forgiveness here a 9 - it's not how I would have chosen things to go, but I don't harbor ill will towards her for it. I know in general she is caring and reliable. The first time was a genuine mistake and the second was an emergency. Also - I've been late and missed an appointment before. Especially given my own track record, it wouldn't be fair to hold these against her.

For example, if you were waiting for someone to pick you up and give you a ride somewhere and they never showed up and never contacted you to let you know that they weren't able to make it (perhaps they just forgot)... on a scale of 1 to 10 how forgiving would you be (10 being so forgiving that it doesn't even upset you)?
Acquaintance/Uber/coworker with good reason - 9
Acquaintance/Uber/coworker with no reason - 7
Friend with good reason - 7-9, depending on reason
Friend with no reason - 5
Close friend/family with good reason - 5-9, depending on reason
Close friend/family with no reason - 3, that's pretty lame

What if you knew someone who kept embarrassing you in public (or insulting you) even when you told them that it bothers you and that you preferred they not do that?
In that case I would just stop going out with them in public. Problem solved. If they continually insult me - why would I continue to spend time with them? If it's someone I'm obligated to spend time with, like a work colleague, I would probably be strategic about it - highlighting their poor behavior so hopefully they see the light and quit. If it became unbearable I would probably speak to my supervisor.

And finally, in the circumstance that someone swears they "cannot" change their behavior (for example, always showing up 30 minutes late or always "forgetting" to do what you asked them to do) how forgiving would you be towards these individuals?
I'm sure I'd still be irritated to a certain extent but it doesn't make any sense to keep expecting something out of them that they obviously struggle greatly with.
 
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Discussion Starter #17
@Vive You bring up a really interesting point about what we are even consciously aware of doing. Some things are somewhat habit to us, like if someone were to compliment your shirt you might immediately compliment their hair. And then the unconscious part is that (for me) words of affirmation is NOT my top love language, but ohh, it might be for this person who just complimented me, so lemme make sure that I tell them now before I forget and not do it again because it's not my love language.

I also like your point about noticing when a lot of favours don't get returned. People are definitely different in their approach to returning favors. Some think that if you seem to "have a lot" in one area (ie, social invitations, wealth, belongings) then they will not return your favor in kind. They may show it in a different way. The other night, I got an additional iced latte (free of charge) the cashier said, "Do you have a friend you can give it to? Otherwise, we have to throw it away" so I was like "sure, I'm going to someone's house". When I arrived, I actually gave it to my friend's daughter who has been through a rough few years and just generally could use some cheering up (as well as a Christmas card and candy cane). She doesn't really know me very well, but she was delighted and happily served me the dinner that she cooked (serving me as I was sitting in a recliner watching tv with my friend, lol) and bothered to find all the right food to accommodate my food sensitivities. It was so clear that service was her love language and even though that is not high on my list of love languages, I could identify and appreciate her gesture of returning the favor.

The kind of sobering part was when I processed the way she treated me. In a way, it could be because I'm a stranger that she was particularly kind and perhaps trying to impress me a bit... but assuming that is actually her baseline behavior, it's been a really long time since any of my friends have even served me or fussed over me in any way worth mentioning. I mean, I'm remembering a specific instance when I walked into a friend's house and was told to "help myself" in the kitchen but then was asked by that friend to bring them a "drink". If it weren't for the fact that so many other people were around who didn't know me very well, I'd have said "you've got legs too..."

But yeah, there are definitely things that are very circumstantial that until I was in the same situation, I couldn't truly relate to. One was when my older friends were working and I was still in school, I didn't understand why they never wanted to talk on the phone unless they were in the "car". After I started working, I understood that they just needed the peace & quiet after a stressful week at work and when they were in the car, they were usually en route to do something fun so they were in the mindset to chat with all their friends (like literally, going down their phone list calling people). Right now because I have some older friends who have been married for a while and have kids who are at least teenagers, it's another situation that's hard for me to relate to. They seem to be more over-protective than I would be as a parent (but who knows, I may be the same in the future!) and that often results in over 50% of our plans falling through because they want to parent in a situation that doesn't necessarily need parenting. But I wouldn't say that I don't trust this friend as much I realize that they have very different priorities and that usually I am not one of them, and perhaps they wouldn't even be willing to inconvenience themselves for me ... but if I'm choosing to stay friends then I have to be okay with that. (But meanwhile, still searching for more friends who have the capacity to treat me better)
 

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What if you knew someone who kept embarrassing you in public (or insulting you) even when you told them that it bothers you and that you preferred they not do that?
I'd like to slightly emend my response to this, your second question, by expanding the scope in what I believe to be a reasonable manner.

Just for starters, I'm going to redact that this person is "known" to me, except in the most basic sense.

And the embarrassment and insulting in public, I'll collapse into a single concept (although a concept with several components):
(i) there is an interpellation, in the sense that the civilian is obliged to provide an account of his or her identity, or is served with a document outlining a supposed transgression
(ii) there is the expectation that the civilian violator (the one who interrupts the other civilian) will have attempted to extort behavior, compliance, and or acknowledgement of the information provided (if any)
(iii) the truth of the allegation or allegations is immaterial

Provided these are interactions between private citizens, and not subject to a Military Code of Justice, I believe the subject who is wronged -- if he is indeed wronged, or has been treated impolitely, although being wrong himself -- is correct in gathering all information about the offending violator, and pursuing extrajudicial remedies.

Appropriate remedies can be left to your imagination, but I don't see any reason to limit them -- the right of a civilian to exist imperturbed and uninterpellated by civilians or civilian peace officers, when not respected, should in my opinion be disciplined without concern for moderation.

After the offender has been chastised, of course the offended party is free to forgive, or forget. I would simply forget about it, after having performed the necessary corrections to the violator.
 

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I think I am pretty good at forgiving (as in I can get over the transgression and there are no hard feelings), but I don’t forget and I will incorporate the transgression into my overall view of them and keep that in mind when asking them to do something (or not asking them again to do something). I also tend to be more self-focused than other-focused, so when something happens that upsets me, I will first think about how I might have messed it up and doubt myself before I get mad at the other.

Scenario 1: I would immediately doubt whether I had actually asked them to do the task, or if I had said the wrong day / time or if I wasn’t clear about what I expected that person to do. I would then call them and try and sort out the misunderstanding. If they said they forgot and that they were sorry, I would forgive and would immediately feel a bit better because now I know that I was not the one who messed it up. I would definitely tell the person, “No, it’s ok.” downplaying any kind of negativity between us. Once I was where I needed to be, I would be ok, provided they apologized. If I couldn’t get in contact with them, I would probably just think that I didn’t communicate well enough and (unless it was a very close friend), I would probably never bring it up. I would assume there was a miscommunication and either that person forgot (and why bring it up to make them feel bad) or that I wasn’t clear enough in the first place. I suppose if it was someone close, I might feel more confident in asking where they were, and while I might be annoyed, I wouldn’t hold it against them. I forget things all the time!

However, next time I needed a ride, I would be very explicit on talking them the time/day and I might remind them beforehand. I would take extra precautions to make more sure that they wouldn’t forget. If it became a pattern see answer to scenario 3.

Scenario 2: If someone was a jerk to me all the time, this is where I get much more grudge and unforgiving. My father-in-law has a history of disrespecting me/my boundaries and I don’t really forgive him. Here, it’s an example of ill-will / meal-intent. If he knows he is being a jerk and refuses to stop, I categorize him as a jerk and just try my best to avoid him. I would cut him out if I could, but he’s family, so instead I will make snide comments or call-out behavior in a disrespectful manner to show my discontent. I wouldn’t forgive unless he acknowledged wrong-doing and made an effort to change. I would never trust / respect this person again unless some dramatic shift occurred and they “proved” that they were different in some way.

Scenario 3: If I know someone is a certain way or they have a pattern of doing something, I generally don’t even get that upset. I will file the behavior under my idea of who they are and what I can rely on them for. If you are always late, I will just tell you to be there 30 minutes earlier. If you flake out on me, I will make sure I don’t “need” anything form you or I will have a plan B in case it happens again. I actually can be very accommodating once I “know” the different quirks a person has. It’s like, once I know the rules, I can navigate around them and I don’t even get upset because I expect the behavior. I might be a little annoyed (like here she goes again), but I would get over it very quickly and wouldn’t take too much stock in it. I would do my best to mitigate the effects of whatever the behavior is, but I wouldn’t feel the need to “forgive” because I wouldn’t have felt “wronged”.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
@meshsock This is a really good point that you bring up about navigating the "quirks" that people have and also mitigating the effects of the behavior so that you don't feel "wronged". Recently, someone explained to me that if I feel like someone is neglecting me or disrespecting me, I actually am partly responsible for that feeling. I can decide not to "give them permission" to neglect me by changing my perception of the situation. (This is kind of hard to explain--- it's not denial but it's like no one can "make you feel" a certain way unless you consent.)
 
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