Yeah .. I recently wrote this in the rant thread [I suppose you hadn't joined by then - so Welcome to PerC !! ] -Thanks Jaws, I know it's a tough question, but an interesting one too. I just think there's this time when it finally clicks that being different isn't bad and we start to embrace it. And I totally relate, everyone likes me so much more than I think they do, I'm very critical of the little things I do and they just think I'm a great person.
I also recently found some of my old chat transcripts with 70+ friends of mine [dated 2004-2007] and I'm gonna go through that have some input for this forum. Some of those chats are extremely revealing of how incapable I was at picking up my friend's reactions and feelings for me. The central theme I've noticed is that I was always so busy making the other person feel better about themselves, that I never realized that in doing so, I was drawing them in closer and closer to me.What I have gained is far greater than all that I thought I had lost. I have gained new love ... and not just the love of one person - but I feel like I have gained something very special here in the last one year. I feel like I've grown tremendously even though I've had my breakdowns [and probably will continue to have these breakdowns]. But I've learnt that these breakdowns are nothing to feel ashamed about and not even something to worry about. They are a part of me.
My sadness is as much a part of me as my happiness. My desire to die and commit suicide is just as much a part of me as my zest for life. It's like any other scar I have attained in my life. I can live with it. I can learn to accept it. I can learn to accept my failures and I can learn to accept whatever success life has in store for me.
I make my life what I want it to be and I feel about life the way I want to feel about it. And if I feel horrible about it, then it's just as much a part of my being as if I choose to feel great about it. The extreme emotional states are me -- they are all me. They're not someone else's doing - they may be a result of circumstances, but I don't need to let them dominate my every waking thought. I can't choose to feel the way that I feel - just as I can't choose to dream the dreams that I dream. But I can certainly choose to make all of myself a part of me and bring it all together under one goal and one goal of existing and simply existing to be. Anything is possible and nothing is .. but there's something to be said about this desire that I feel tonight.
Perhaps it will change into something else tomorrow night. But it doesn't matter anymore why it changes. I already know the answer to why everything changes and nothing remains the same. There's many things I under-estimate about myself ... but the one thing I am proud of and that is my ability to feel powerful even in moments of extreme weakness.
Don't you mean....."hiro"? teeheehee.I guess it's after I discovered this site...
Prior to this, I always compared my natural behavior to that of a "hero". I told myself that this is how heroes I see normally behave and I should not be ashamed by that so that was my benchmark and my template.
After discovering this site, well, lets just say I found our little Justice League - Avenger Club.