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I know now that eights are easy to get along with if you know how to deal with them. I did not know that two years ago, when I had a type eight friend. She was very forceful and energetic, nice if you were on her good side, and vicious if you were on her bad side. A couple of years ago, I managed to get on her bad side. She never told me what I did wrong, although I have some ideas. She still doesn't seem to have forgiven me, but I don't think she hates me either. We are no longer on speaking terms.
But on the other hand, my grandfather is also a type eight. He doesn't hold grudges at all. When he's angry he vents for a while, gets the problem fixed and then moves on.

It's possible that my friend was unhealthy. She was also a w7 while my grandfather is a w9.
Type eights, how long would you hold a grudge? How would you act toward someone you have a grudge against?
 

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Just because I choose to cut someone out of my life doesn't automatically equate to I am holding a grudge against them. Often times, I cut people out of my life because I have no hope of whatever outstanding issue there is between us getting resolved. For instance, I had a friend a couple of years back and I cut her off and didn't look back, I perceived her to be a chronic boundary crasher and too overly opinionated and judgmental for my taste. I tired of this very quickly we had a blow up and told her never to contact me again.

On the other hand, I have cut people out of my life and they have returned with a full and sincere apology, we discussed our differences and were able to make amends and move forward as friends. I have little tolerance and/or patience for revisiting the same issues repeatedly and/or repeat offenders.

Also, once I have taken action to resolve the problem....I'm over it and move on. For example, I don't give the aforementioned friend a second thought and know with all confidence it's the best decision I could have made for me. If I saw her out somewhere, I would give her a quick and pleasant hello, and keep it moving. I hope this helps.
 

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I know now that eights are easy to get along with if you know how to deal with them. I did not know that two years ago, when I had a type eight friend. She was very forceful and energetic, nice if you were on her good side, and vicious if you were on her bad side. A couple of years ago, I managed to get on her bad side. She never told me what I did wrong, although I have some ideas. She still doesn't seem to have forgiven me, but I don't think she hates me either. We are no longer on speaking terms.
But on the other hand, my grandfather is also a type eight. He doesn't hold grudges at all. When he's angry he vents for a while, gets the problem fixed and then moves on.

It's possible that my friend was unhealthy. She was also a w7 while my grandfather is a w9.
Type eights, how long would you hold a grudge? How would you act toward someone you have a grudge against?
Gee, why didn't she tell you what her issue was?! That is definitely something that contributes to her holding a grudge.

I don't like to hold grudges and not even very capable of holding one. I like forgiving :)

Anyway... First I will tell the person my problem, I will try to resolve it the only way I know (directly confronting them about the problem). If it's resolved then I don't feel any grudge or whatever. If it's something that for some reason is no longer relevant then again no grudge. If it is an ongoing thing then it must be resolved (this can include me realizing if it was a misunderstanding, but if it is a real problem then that's not a choice), or I have two other choices by default 1) resentment resulting in vengeance 2) moving on, forgetting about the person as a whole. Neither is a great choice if the person is someone important... so I just keep trying to resolve the issue with the person :p but yes it has happened before that I just had to move on. I don't consider that cutting the person out of my life because I'm open to letting them back if the issue can be resolved.
 

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Yeah, 8 seems more directly confrontational, not holding petty little grudges for a long time.
 

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You are wrong.I never forget these kind of things, and I dont confront ppl every time with it, just scheme to make vangeance more painfull.
Dats so cuote. :3
 

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Just because I choose to cut someone out of my life doesn't automatically equate to I am holding a grudge against them.
^ This.

I don't waste my time with grudges. If we don't get along, we don't get along. I'm not completely unobservant, and am not willing to bang my head against a wall trying to make things work; especially if I feel the other party won't reciprocate my attempts at mending the relationship. Actually, working up the gut to try and make things work is especially hard for me. The thought of wasting my time and things not working out, despite my efforts, is usually enough to keep me from putting myself out there- and the easiest way to do that without the risk of having to give a long dramatic explanation, is to cut them off.

I have a friend who I get into little "spats" with quite often. I do the whole isolating myself from them, and then they'll gradually try and weasel their way back in. By that time, I'll have cooled down enough to rationally talk about the situation. The thing is, my friend is always the one who initiates; if they didn't, I would just cut my losses and never speak to them again and carry on.
 

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@Essi - could your former friend perhaps be a cp6? Sometimes they perceive something as shady or dishonest, get it in their heads you can't be trusted (and you won't have a clue what the heck you did wrong, because it was just a flawed perception), then decide that you are in some way a threat to their security. In my exp with actual 8s, you know where you stand with them. They don't hold petty little grudges because they don't feel as affected by you. In my exp with an angry cp6, they can hold a grudge for a long time and even keep trying to come after you because they keep holding onto the feeling that you're a threat. Not all of them do this of course, just the really unhealthy ones. There are -some- cp6 who really have something to prove, how much of a badass they are I guess. Its typical for these types to mistype as 8, want to -be- 8s, even think they are 8s/seem like 8s sometime. I'd posted in another thread before, the way to distinguish 6 from 8 by their headyness. Sometimes the headyness of the 6 will manifest as being more affected by things because theres a lot of cognition whirling around in there in the first place. There are lots of thoughts, therefore lots of possibilities are generated -- and because we are talking about the human condition here, a lot of those thoughts/possibilities are anxiety provoking. If you'd done something a cp6 friend could take as a dishonest shady sort of thing, she would have had some 'what-if' thinking following what happened, and perhaps decided you could be a threat.
 

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“Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.”
-Criss Jami, "Salomé: In Every Inch In Every Mile"


“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.”
-Charlotte Brontë, "Jane Eyre"
 

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I can't hold grudges at all. But I do cut people out of my life who I deem a threat. Grudges seem like an ESXJ thing. I don't really know any other personalities that hold grudges quite as strongly as they do.

My last boss held a grudge against me because I said I don't approve of cheating spouses (she cheated on her spouse at one point, I assume, otherwise she'd have had no reason to get as angry as she did.) and she held a grudge against me until eventually firing me. I just don't get it. It seems like you have to be a really hateful person to hold those kind of negative feelings for so long.

An E1 I know has forever deemed me as an "idiot" because I said something challenging her christian beliefs and she didn't feel like arguing about it. (I'm a big christian too so I feel I'm allowed to do that). She seems to have forever deemed me a threat and doesn't respond to me. Probably scared I'll corrupt her morals or something? So based off the core fears I think an 8 could hold someone at a distance. But for me personally, being an ESTP, I can't hold onto negative feelings for very long.
 

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I know now that eights are easy to get along with if you know how to deal with them. I did not know that two years ago, when I had a type eight friend. She was very forceful and energetic, nice if you were on her good side, and vicious if you were on her bad side. A couple of years ago, I managed to get on her bad side. She never told me what I did wrong, although I have some ideas. She still doesn't seem to have forgiven me, but I don't think she hates me either. We are no longer on speaking terms.
But on the other hand, my grandfather is also a type eight. He doesn't hold grudges at all. When he's angry he vents for a while, gets the problem fixed and then moves on.

It's possible that my friend was unhealthy. She was also a w7 while my grandfather is a w9.
Type eights, how long would you hold a grudge? How would you act toward someone you have a grudge against?
it depends on the situation, Im quick to get angry and deal with the problem and then quick to be freinds again. The other person has to be willing to work it out too, evryone makes mistakes so its important to be forgiving. Im not perfect by anymeans either. I only hold a grudge if someone is constantly attacking me and i feel a need for vengance. If it is a maclicious repeat offender i will go out of my way to stamp them out until they are defeated, preferably emotionally. I would not continue a freindship with a trator, my attacks would serve as a reminder not to cross me again. burn n learn.
 
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For most matters, I tend to vent and forget. Like, someone will bring it up later, and I'll have totally forgotten that we fought about it. There are some things that are unforgivable. 1. Messing with the ones I love. 2. Calling me a liar.
 

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I don't see the point in holding grudges.

You either have value to me, or you don't. You're either in my life, or you're not. Pffft.

Holding a grudge is resentment - a totally pointless activity.

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die"
 

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Most people who hold a grudge even after they have pretended to resolve a conflict one way or another are not core 8s. People who continue to make passive aggressive indirect swipes long after shit is over and done with are again usually not core 8s. 8s tend more towards confronting directly, possibly explosively, then either resolution takes place or they decide you're too insignificant too bother with and they move on and don't look back again, nor do they take the time to make insecure indirect (of course) childish little jabs (grudge holding, in essence) from atop their "high horse" while pretending to have moved on and 'cut you out'. These 'grudge keepers' in denial can be pretty hilarious to watch.

As for you OP, not telling you what you did wrong and just cutting you out like that without making a straightforward statement and hearing your side is too passive aggressive and pre-emptive a maneuver for an 8. I agree with @Promethea. It sounds like she has assumed a breach of trust or there has been a misunderstanding that her overthinking mind has probably perceived in exaggerated fashion. She sounds more cp6 than 8w7.
 

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8s tend more towards confronting directly, possibly explosively, then either resolution takes place or they decide you're too insignificant too bother with and they move on and don't look back again
It gets interesting if the case doesn't fall into either of these two categories...


It sounds like she has assumed a breach of trust or there has been a misunderstanding that her overthinking mind has probably perceived in exaggerated fashion. She sounds more cp6 than 8w7.
That's funny you say a misunderstanding can be due to overthinking. I'm exactly the opposite, I can get into misunderstandings about another person's intentions without thinking at all. :D Resulting confrontation will clear up things though (as long as the other person is willing to be direct)
 
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@itsme45

Regardless of which 'category' a case falls in, passive aggressive, indirect and petty grudge holding, esp. for an extended period of time, is not really how core 8s approach/resolve conflict. Either it's worth the time or it's not. Once it's over, 8s won't keep, indirectly, harping on and on about shit like butthurt lil posers (again, while pretending to have 'moved on' and cut people out). If they're over it, they will move on and not waste another word on the offender in question, certainly not indirectly. I have also seen some who will hide behind a group of people (like spineless wimpy cronies do), while throwing lil barbs at another person, because they don't have the balls to confront directly. I call it the "bark and hide" strategy. Again, it's not really an 8 thing because it unnecessarily prolongs bickering, and 8s have a much more pragmatic and independent confrontation style ( extremely direct, one on one).

The overthinking was a reference to how a lot of 6s function. Of course, some people don't overthink but pre-emptively and pessimistically assume the worst about another person. This is another unhealthy 6 way of functioning. Though, it's not the same as what you're saying about misunderstanding someone because you just didn't pay attention and later resolving it during a direct confrontation.
 

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From experience, for an entire lifetime and likely carried on for much longer until the person or group that wronged them is either subjugated, dead or the issue is resolved to their satisfaction on their terms. I think the notion of a vendetta or blood feud was likely championed by an E8.

That's why tampering with an E8 is pretty foolish as they seem to always win in the end. :\
 

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LOL. Yeah, revenge, especially, how you describe the resolution process falls well within the purview of type 8. But, petty grudges over inconsequential stuff..no. The indirect and roundabout way a lot of people go about dragging a petty grudge on and on is not very 8-ish; but, direct, confrontational acts of revenge are very 8-ish.
 

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@Boss - Well, to be honest, revenge is a pretty universal human theme and encompasses all MBTI and Enneagram types. It's just that the Enneagram 8s are likely to be the most enduring when it comes to holding grudges and desires for revenge.
 
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