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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi,dear INFJ gentlemen,please help me to figure out if I should be patient for this INFJ guy or move on...

This guy is in his early 40s and never married,had girlfriend before. he joined my company early this year but we never talked till mid July. We are in the same group but different functions, both engineers. His parent/siblings are all in another state, he came to my city for work a year ago.

We started to exercise together after work 2-3 times a week and after one month he started to take me out for weekends and two weeks later he introduced me to his sister who was stopping by and had dinner together. She kind of interviewed me.

So far we will most like spend sometime together in some week days and both of weekends.

But I am confused. so confused.

Negative signs:
no physical contact,no touch to me. only mutual gaze and mirroring. I sometimes touch his arm and knock on his shoulders.

He said we are “hanging out“,he is my friend from work.
he didnt stay and had dinner with me and my parents after he cooked a four course dinner in my home. He offered to do so.
he wont join me in Thanksgiving dinner.

Positive signs:
he really cares me,well planed each hangout,making sure I was comfortable and being sweet.
If we have any miscommunication or misunderstood,he is willing to communicate and ensures my no hurt feeling.
he offers help whenever I need it and most likely before I ask for.
he keeps his word to me.
he respects me and my opinion,reschedules his time to meet mine.
he comforts me when I am sad or sick,follows up to see if I get better.
he is willing to pay most of the spends of the “hang outs”.
he sent me some small gifts.
He tells me things happening to his work and his family,vents to me and listens to what i have to say.
He brings me to his home in this city and cooks for me several times. Once he cooked several dishes in his home and asked me bring home for my parents,and the another time he came and cooked in my place but didnt eat. He paid for all the ingredients.
He brings me with him when to buy floors for his house in other state,his new car,check the gym he planed to join. He said I am the first and only passenger for his new car.
he says he doesnt see anybody else and “reports” me what he did if we didnt spend time together,even I never asked. He is stick by me.
Now he is looking for a place to rent,he asks me to go check with him whenever I am available and listens my opinions and tells me his thought.
he told he has not made decision to fully relocate. He sent pictures of his mother's and his house in another state.

This is very first time I hangout with INFJ,most of my good male friends are INTJs.
INFJs are hard to get know. We have been spending four months together and I still feel there are a lot of things which I dont know about him.
This is a person I am proud to know even if we didnt work out.


Once he said to me God has a plan for everybody,that's probably why he didn't accept the other job offer but took that of my company. Because God just let us meet here. God said she is not in AA company but in BB company and God said she is not in O state where he had being searched for 20yrs. Go C state,she is there. That's why we meet.
 

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INFJs are slow burners--I'm sure you've figured this out by now. :wink: The positive signs you've listed are very good, and I think with enough time, you two could grow to be very close. His actions show he loves you, though he might not yet be able to express how deeply just yet. Sometimes guys and INFJs alike are "actions speak louder than words" people, and if the actions aren't clear enough, it might be best for you to just go ahead and ask him how he feels. :happy:
 

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here is my opinion. I am pretty sure he is crazy about you. my gf is an esfj. She says I confuse the heck out of her. The reason he isnt touching you is because touching is very emotionally connecting to an INFJ. thats not saying he doesnt like you. it means the opposite. He is taking it slow because he really likes you and doesnt want to come on too strong for fear of overwhelming you. I almost passed out when my gf hugged me for the first time. I was flowing with incredibly intense emotions. So intense that I forgot that i needed to breath lol. (he prob wont join u for thxgiving dinner bcuz he is afraid of meeting your family. He will eventually. one thing that might be difficult if you get into a serious relationship is with the pace. My esfj cant stay still. always has to be doing something, moving forward ect (not saying that there is anything wrong with that). I move at about half her pace. and sometimes that causes problems. but nothing too bad. Basically, If you want someone who will take care of you emotionally and always protect you then wait for him. We infjs are hard to handle. He sounds like a great guy. be sensitive so his emotions and all the other infj guideline stuff and you will be glad you waited. Either way, I pray that things turn out great for you both
 

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Yea I'd say your best bet is to ask him how he feels about you.

Maybe he's sexually repressed and uncomfortable with physical intimacy (as some religious folks tend to be). So, you'll probably have to take charge and communicate your needs directly and walk him through some things.

Generally if I'm romantically interested in someone, I make a point of touching them to see how they react in order to gauge whether they're interested in me in the same way. Personally, I value the emotional intimacy more than physical intimacy (so the much maligned 'friend zone' doesn't bother me) but a romantic relationship is about being able to enjoy both and I try to acknowledge that a partner can have different needs at different times and try to be sensitive to such things.

Though really, I don't mind touching my female friends (like poking and touching their shoulder and such) and giving them hugs sometimes (that I know well and am comfortable with, but not interested in that way). So, that's why I get the impression he's uncomfortable with touching rather than just not interested.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks for all the replies. Thank you all very much. I got a lots of points from your posts.

What I want is to have a commited relationship. Well, if I don't feel secure, a "I love you" won't make me secure either.

This is the first time I 'date' with an Asian American and I am an Asian. He moved to States when he was 10 and grew up here. But I came here in my late 20s so you know I really don't know if this difference is from the personality or the culture or the individual..
In my culture, girls won't ask the questions like "how do you feel about me". Girls are brakes and guys are the accelerator. I once asked him why he treated me so good, he said "we are friends". When he offered to cook for my parents and me, I asked how I introduced you to my parents? he said a friend from work. I feel he is trying to avoid any 'commitment' in word as he keeps his promise so much.

He will be upset and teasing me if I don't reserve my weekends for him. I didn't reply his txt msg and didn't contact him last weekends, and he questioned me on Monday "where were you this weekends, I texted but no response". Hey...I am not yours yet.. am I? (I was sick at home, but I don't want to bother him. No commitment makes me unsafe to open up too.)


Well, anyways, if asking how he feels about me is the right way to do in this culture, I will manage to do so.
 

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The single most important thing to an INFJ male is a meaningful connection. Without that the entire relationship feels "fake". It seems he has already chosen you. This is especially obvious when he says things like: "I am the first and only passenger for his new car". Everything is a symbol and has meaning, and you being the first passenger of his car is special to him. He has already given himself to you in the best possible way he can think of, and as far as he is concerned, you guys are together. He just doesn't want things to change by placing labels on things. Who cares what you guys are, as long as he cares for you and loves you, and you care for him and love him? You now hold the key to his heart, and you can destroy him if you want, by just simply ignoring him. Ignoring a couple texts will do. Being distant from him will do. That connection and closeness is everything.

If you really want validation, hold his hands.
 

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I hope you don't mind me chiming in, although I am an INFJ female. Your post really spoke to me because I know how hard it is to feel something for someone and not know where you stand. I am in NO WAY implying that this guy is leading you on, I don't think he is, and I think his feelings are genuine. But you have feelings too. It is not fair for him to expect you to reserve weekends for him without letting you know where you stand, or to single you out as special (which in any person leads to expectations) and then not be clear with you about what you are to him. And yes I agree with the others that you should ask about this, even if it is very hard for you. Be strong and know that you will be ok no matter what he says. Your emotions are not something to be toyed with, I can tell you are a sweet person, and you deserve someone who is not afraid to tell you how strongly they feel for you.

Good luck!!
 

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@ESFj
Very little I can add here *notes ironically* besides noting how meaningful connections and seeking a friend-potential partner rolled into one might not be uncommon (certainly isn't for me to want that) but the real problem seems to be Fe and Judgement that can conflict, with Fe saying 'I want to know this person well (and care about their needs)' and Judgement saying 'what if they don't feel the same way and I misconstrue the bonds we may already have... damaging both friendship and anything more'.

@Aizar is correct. In some ways it can be like we seek 'permission' to know another romantically or in this case small hints with light touches or even a shocking question such as 'do you ever wish we were more than friends?' ... just a thought are you sure he doesn't see you as more but is afraid to say, with 'friends' meaning more to an INFJ.
(For example I see my platonic male friend as someone whom I can discuss emotions, issues, intelligent things and support just by listening or 'advising'... he even knows my traumas and life histories but we have never been able to discuss platonic affection or mutual high regard together or even hug.)
 

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I used to identify as INFJ, and still do a lot. The INFJs I have known vary here, but they all take it really seriously. Some just will take it really really slow.

I can be very quick to identify who I love, but it is just that I know it very deep-rooted.I never identified with the idea of waiting, not because my feelings are not intense, but because waiting does not tend to comfort me or give me a better sense.
 

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Make sure that he knows that you like him. From what you describe it seems like he really likes you. INFJ men will mostly not make the first move regarding relationships. I know myself, I need some kind of acknowledgement that she likes me before I make a move. So talk to him or make physical contact to let him understand.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
So what I can summary from all your guys/gals reponses is:
1. INFJs seek meaningful connections and relationship, and what he shows to me can be concluded as genuine and being into me.
2. Given that, whether/when/how to ask for the direct answer is not concluded due to different perspective.

Looking back for the four months we have spent together, I can say we are getting closer little by little, slowly but solidly moving forward. I am still getting know him, coz he is way to more complex than I am, in term of experience and value system. I can so far understand and accept his value system as it is. No conflict at this early stage. I expect to see more once we get closer but I am confident to communicate on it as he cares my feelings.

Our birthdays (5 days apart) will come in the mid Dec. In this situation, what do your Mr./Ms. Smarty suggest me to send, if nothing changes in the next 20 days.

Thank you very much again for all the suggestions and kind words. You all really made my day!
 

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He said I am the first and only passenger for his new car.

he told he has not made decision to fully relocate.

INFJs are hard to get know.

Once he said to me God has a plan for everybody,that's probably why he didn't accept the other job offer but took that of my company. Because God just let us meet here. God said she is not in AA company but in BB company and God said she is not in O state where he had being searched for 20yrs. Go C state,she is there. That's why we meet.
How did you respond to the car comment and the what he said about how you two meet?

I underlined hard to get to know part due to yes that is true but by what you say in your post you know a lot about him just in small doses. For instance when he told you about how he came to the conclusion on how you two meet, that is just about as intimate an INFJ can be especially face to face, Don't take that the wrong as he can't be more interpersonally intimate.
Just that on a personal side that was very close to him a, part of him, not just some random stuff he came up with. His heart on his sleeve so to say.
To me when he says he is not sure if he wants to move or not..his indecisiveness is because of you. Like someone pointed out what you waiting for him to "move".
If an INFJ opens up ,as usual in small doses and a lot of times unnoticed, during these moments he/she is secretly and unconsciously taking in all the reciprocated data. Since he continues to keep opening up to you must mean something good towards you. At the same time something may be missing or is he is waiting for you to take first move. Like the saying goes take an INFJ male and INFJ female who will be the one to ask each other out first? Humorously saying neither >.<
If you show him in a way that you really do like him he would ask you instead. Or you can skip the INFJ dance and make the first move.....gently.
Honestly I don't know how you to are not looking for an apartment together, instead you helping him look for one.
If you want to show him ,like he showed you, an intimate part of you....not to much don't make the poor guy cry.

Either way this guy appreciates and likes you. Like you said you will be proud to just to have known him, But don't let him move away before you get the chance to know him even more.
 

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Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling. With this girl who wanted to take a break from me I felt it from the beginning, but didn't know until around a month later. We both said it at the same time and have shown it through the close to 4 months we've been together.

Now I'm just waiting to see if she meant what she said, or if my love is just worthless to her.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
How did you respond to the car comment and the what he said about how you two meet?

I underlined hard to get to know part due to yes that is true but by what you say in your post you know a lot about him just in small doses. For instance when he told you about how he came to the conclusion on how you two meet, that is just about as intimate an INFJ can be especially face to face, Don't take that the wrong as he can't be more interpersonally intimate.
Just that on a personal side that was very close to him a, part of him, not just some random stuff he came up with. His heart on his sleeve so to say.
To me when he says he is not sure if he wants to move or not..his indecisiveness is because of you. Like someone pointed out what you waiting for him to "move".
If an INFJ opens up ,as usual in small doses and a lot of times unnoticed, during these moments he/she is secretly and unconsciously taking in all the reciprocated data. Since he continues to keep opening up to you must mean something good towards you. At the same time something may be missing or is he is waiting for you to take first move. Like the saying goes take an INFJ male and INFJ female who will be the one to ask each other out first? Humorously saying neither >.<
If you show him in a way that you really do like him he would ask you instead. Or you can skip the INFJ dance and make the first move.....gently.
Honestly I don't know how you to are not looking for an apartment together, instead you helping him look for one.
If you want to show him ,like he showed you, an intimate part of you....not to much don't make the poor guy cry.

Either way this guy appreciates and likes you. Like you said you will be proud to just to have known him, But don't let him move away before you get the chance to know him even more.
Thank you so much for the insightful post and detailed explanation.

How do I response to his "how we meet"? This is a good question. Have to tell you more stories.
Back to late Aug when I asked his help to check out a new car in a dealership, he told the dealer we just got married a month ago. Well, I took it as a joke, and of course I didn't deny coz it's just a trick to deal with dealers.
He had similar jokes now and then. For instance when talking about spending habit, and I said I like bargain, he said, oh we should get married, my ex-gf always said it's so cheap, buy it. Another time, he said if we got married later you will earn money to let me buy those luxuries.. I know he was joking and won't be offend.
Sometimes he said it is time now to find you a good husband, all I am doing now is to find you a husband..

How should I response?? Please bear with me this is not a native language and I am not be able to joke back in the right sense. Even in my native language I would be shy to answer it too.

So I was waiting for his more formal statement than the informal "how we meet".
 

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Thank you so much for the insightful post and detailed explanation.

How do I response to his "how we meet"? This is a good question. Have to tell you more stories.
Back to late Aug when I asked his help to check out a new car in a dealership, he told the dealer we just got married a month ago. Well, I took it as a joke, and of course I didn't deny coz it's just a trick to deal with dealers.
He had similar jokes now and then. For instance when talking about spending habit, and I said I like bargain, he said, oh we should get married, my ex-gf always said it's so cheap, buy it. Another time, he said if we got married later you will earn money to let me buy those luxuries.. I know he was joking and won't be offend.
Sometimes he said it is time now to find you a good husband, all I am doing now is to find you a husband..

How should I response?? Please bear with me this is not a native language and I am not be able to joke back in the right sense. Even in my native language I would be shy to answer it too.

So I was waiting for his more formal statement than the informal "how we meet".
Sorry I can't tell you how to respond for a few reason's, let it be natural and I don't feel right in a third person sense on his behalf of this situation. But a few pointers if you feel he is joking about a serious scenario or situation with you, call him on it don't just say oh he is just joking. Also don't be so blunt as to say do you mean that you are saying "such and such". Get rid of all assumptions is what I an trying to say. This person probably value's you more than you value him, meaning either way he appreciates you deeply so as long as you are not hateful or spiteful if some reason he is just only joking.
Let him know you how much you appreciate him, if you really want give him a sentimental gift NOT at work though. (not yet)

As far as to how to respond to his response of how you to meet or any other Ni vision such as this....sometimes just saying that's beautiful will do, As I said let your response be you.

You seem like a very sweet person, nice, kind, and caring. What INFJ wouldn't want to go out with you :)
 

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We infjs are hard to handle.
I I feel like I need to clarify what I meant by this. Hard to handle with our mind and not withdrawing. Esp when we get depressed its really hard not to communicate how we feel by speaking. And Its hard to tell ppl how we really feel for fear of it being upsetting. which can make things even more complicated or frustrating. and that stresses out my esfj gf. (atleast thats how I am. Idk about the other infjs)
 

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it sounds to me like he is interested, but at this point he's speaking of it as friendship ("hanging out"). i agree with @Aizar - it takes time, but you are well on your way. we have to develop trust and feel close to someone, first...serious romantic relationships are an ultimate of closeness and we don't let people in that far, very fast.

about physical contact - it might be best if you initiate. out of respect for others' boundaries we can be hesitant or wish that they initiate, and this doesn't indicate lack of interest, although it may be due to uncertainty about how you feel about us. the fact that we may be touchy-feely in general is irrelevant here. we sometimes have great difficulty determining how others truly feel about us, and can be blind to what is obvious to others in that respect...yes, we really can be THAT oblivious. lol

gazing into a guy's eyes like that makes me feel close to him, and INFJs are after emotional connection in relationships, so that is a significant indicator in terms of our romantic interest - this is a guess, but it might actually be one of the clearest nonverbal expressions of interest we give. we may be good at holding eye contact with people we like platonically, but if we initiate a prolonged gaze with you, without speaking, and we don't look dazed or have a piercing intensity in our eyes (which typically occurs when we are lost in thought and unaware we are looking at someone), or have a probing yet compassionate fervency to our eyes (which occurs when we are looking at someone, imagining how they must be feeling, or feeling sad over what they're going through) that's significant. it's even more significant if this long gaze is accompanied by that tell-all twinkle in our eyes.

gaze into his eyes to see what they're communicating ~ the specific look in his eyes will tell you all you need to know. :) we INFJs seem to have a hard time concealing our feelings from those who know where to look; no matter how well we shield them from view in other aspects, our eyes give us away. it is for this reason that sometimes - despite the fact that i am not shy at all about eye contact - i avert my eyes when i like a guy and don't want him to know...because i know my eyes speak WAY too loudly about what i'm trying to keep silent. lol
 

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Discussion Starter #20
As the the thread is going on, I feel I am enlightened through the discussion. Thank you all for the input, it shows me a different world of thinking.

Jumping out of my perspective, I have been too passive in this 'relationship'. That's part of my nature as well as because this is a working environment 'romance'. During the four months I never rejected his invitation but I never ask him out either. I just let him lead, and he did pretty well.

I should show more affection in his preferred love language which is 'word of affirmation'. As soon as I tell him he is so smart or handsome or something, he is so happy, like a kid...

But some other sentimental words I am just hard to express. For example, I have no problem to say he is so considerate, but I just can't open my mouth to say "you are so sweet". (By all means he is). Those sentimental expressions are not usual in my native language, and linked deeply emotionally. To give you an example how rare they are expressed, I can tell you I never ever say I love you to my mom, neither heard such an expressioin in my family.

Excuses aside, since he would like it I will try my best to express more with words, and give him more affirmation. As a lot of posts suggested in the thread, I will let him know how much I appreciate him.
 
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