How Often Do you Talk to your SO?
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I know this is different if you are married, but how often do you talk to your SO when you are dating? I know this is different for everyone, but I am curious. Some people think that a certain amount of communication is normal, while others think it's clingy.
I'm in a long-distance relationship (I have been for three weeks or so; I met the guy during study abroad) and it has been really tough. I feel like I've turned into the person that initiates everything: Skype calls, Facebook messages, etc. In the week and half, we briefly chatted on Skype. We've sent Facebook messages back and forth almost every day, but most of them are something like, "Hey babe; I am going to bed. Love you. Night". He used to send me Facebook messages during the day just asking me how my day was. I miss that and I don't know why he doesn't do that anymore. I feel like there is no conversation anymore. It would be different if I saw this guy in person, but we are living hundreds of miles apart! I feel like we need to have bonding time, even though it is through the internet.
Let me be clear, I know that my boyfriend has a life outside of me. And he should! He has been busy with projects, school, and work. I have been super busy as well! But I really try to make time in my schedule to talk to him. Before, I looked forward to talking to him at the end of the day but that has pretty much ceased. I want to know that he is making an effort, but I feel like he isn't. I see him share pictures on Facebook but he won't ask me how my day was or say 'Hi'. If he has the time to check his phone, doesn't he have the time to take two seconds to send me a message? I really feel like I'm not asking that much. I think the thing that worries me is that if you have a SO, you should want to talk to them, right?
Also, we were talking about living together in June (if I go back to his country) but I really don't feel ready. That was another reason why I wanted to talk to him more, to see if our relationship could grow while we were apart. But he seems to have this attitude of "Well, enjoy your friends and everything there while you can, don't always be connected on the computer...have your own life and we'll see each other soon enough. We'll talk when we can." But moving in together is a huge step and I feel like he hasn't though it through. I feel like he's not ready even though he says that he is. I mean, we hardly communicate now....so how could you be ready to be around a person that much and actually live with them?! For him it is easy to say that, because he wanted to move anyway. I am just a puzzle piece that fits nicely into his already-made puzzle. I feel like I am already playing by his rules. But moving for me is a huge deal -yes, there are personal reasons that are motivators- but I don't know if he really takes my situations, feelings, thoughts, etc. into consideration.
Basically, I feel like I am putting way much more into this relationship than he is. I don't know if I am being clingy or reasonable. I am really thinking about calling it quits because I just feel like my needs aren't getting met in this relationship. But the thing is, when we are on Skype or when we are in person, things are nice. Does anyone have advice on what to do?
I'm in a long-distance relationship (I have been for three weeks or so; I met the guy during study abroad) and it has been really tough. I feel like I've turned into the person that initiates everything: Skype calls, Facebook messages, etc. In the week and half, we briefly chatted on Skype. We've sent Facebook messages back and forth almost every day, but most of them are something like, "Hey babe; I am going to bed. Love you. Night". He used to send me Facebook messages during the day just asking me how my day was. I miss that and I don't know why he doesn't do that anymore. I feel like there is no conversation anymore. It would be different if I saw this guy in person, but we are living hundreds of miles apart! I feel like we need to have bonding time, even though it is through the internet.
Let me be clear, I know that my boyfriend has a life outside of me. And he should! He has been busy with projects, school, and work. I have been super busy as well! But I really try to make time in my schedule to talk to him. Before, I looked forward to talking to him at the end of the day but that has pretty much ceased. I want to know that he is making an effort, but I feel like he isn't. I see him share pictures on Facebook but he won't ask me how my day was or say 'Hi'. If he has the time to check his phone, doesn't he have the time to take two seconds to send me a message? I really feel like I'm not asking that much. I think the thing that worries me is that if you have a SO, you should want to talk to them, right?
Also, we were talking about living together in June (if I go back to his country) but I really don't feel ready. That was another reason why I wanted to talk to him more, to see if our relationship could grow while we were apart. But he seems to have this attitude of "Well, enjoy your friends and everything there while you can, don't always be connected on the computer...have your own life and we'll see each other soon enough. We'll talk when we can." But moving in together is a huge step and I feel like he hasn't though it through. I feel like he's not ready even though he says that he is. I mean, we hardly communicate now....so how could you be ready to be around a person that much and actually live with them?! For him it is easy to say that, because he wanted to move anyway. I am just a puzzle piece that fits nicely into his already-made puzzle. I feel like I am already playing by his rules. But moving for me is a huge deal -yes, there are personal reasons that are motivators- but I don't know if he really takes my situations, feelings, thoughts, etc. into consideration.
Basically, I feel like I am putting way much more into this relationship than he is. I don't know if I am being clingy or reasonable. I am really thinking about calling it quits because I just feel like my needs aren't getting met in this relationship. But the thing is, when we are on Skype or when we are in person, things are nice. Does anyone have advice on what to do?
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I wouldn't move all the way to another country if the communication is already poor. He should be finding some time in his schedule to talk to you, not because he should, but because he wants to.
I am also in a long distance relationship. We have a huge time difference, but we make it work. I try to talk to my SO everyday, but that's not always possible because of how busy she is or when we are both busy. We do say something to each other once a day, though, even if it's just good night, small chit-chat, or saying we won't be online. Quality time is very important to me, and I imagine it is for her, too, so whenever there is free time, we make time for each other. Of course, this doesn't mean we don't have our own lives or interests or hobbies. Most of my day is doing my own thing, talking to other people, going to school, looking for a job, etc.
I shouldn't be bossing people around on what constitutes a healthy relationship, distance or not. Look at your love languages and what you need in a relationship to feel happy. For instance, I value quality time a great deal and words of affirmation. Touch is also a very big deal to me, but considering that's impossible in our situation, I make up for it by sending messages that include hugs, kisses, etc. Words of affirmation is easy to achieve no matter how far apart a couple is. I send my SO little love notes whenever I feel like it, and she does, too. Even if we can't have live time together, an email, forum message, text, etc. will do, just to let her know how much I appreciate her. Quality time - usually there is at least an hour a day in which we are both free, so we Skype together, look at things online, mess around. Sometimes we have a few hours to spend together, although that's harder to squeeze in given conflicting schedules. Sometimes there are days we cannot talk. That's what messages are for (this goes back to words of affirmation), and whether they are long or short, it says, "I'm thinking about you!"
Of course, my relationship is not everyone's relationship. You may not value the things I value, but there are always other ways to show that the person is on your mind, and that's what counts! Relationships take work, but it is work worth doing. In order to let something grow, or even to just sustain it, one must nourish it. It seems your boyfriend is really not putting in any effort at all. He either is unaware of his neglect of the relationship because that's just how he is (be it from different love languages, inexperience with this situation, whatever else is escaping me) or he simply does not care.
It would be best to bring it up with him and try to work things out. Perhaps seriously reevaluate the decision to move in with him given your concerns and the current state of the relationship. If he is a keeper, he will understand and try to put more effort into making time for you, whether apart or together. Figure out what you need (especially what you need at a distance) in the relationship to keep you happy and tell him you'd like more of that. See what he likes and needs and do the same for him. I mean this isn't to say he has to remodel his life completely to fit you in it. It's just little compromises that make the other person happier. Why? Because you care. At the end, that's the point of doing any of this ridiculousness.
Also, I should have said this way earlier - you are not being clingy at all. You like the guy and you'd like some reassurances that he likes you just as much. If he can't put in the effort now to show you how much he wants, likes, and appreciates you, what makes you think he will when you are together? Just out of convenience? The truth is, it will never be convenient. His life won't suddenly clear up once you get there. So, anyways, just bring it up with him and have an open, honest discussion about it and see what you arrive at. If he won't bother with any changes, or if he doesn't follow through, ask yourself if it is truly worth it. If it works out, that's great!
I am also in a long distance relationship. We have a huge time difference, but we make it work. I try to talk to my SO everyday, but that's not always possible because of how busy she is or when we are both busy. We do say something to each other once a day, though, even if it's just good night, small chit-chat, or saying we won't be online. Quality time is very important to me, and I imagine it is for her, too, so whenever there is free time, we make time for each other. Of course, this doesn't mean we don't have our own lives or interests or hobbies. Most of my day is doing my own thing, talking to other people, going to school, looking for a job, etc.
I shouldn't be bossing people around on what constitutes a healthy relationship, distance or not. Look at your love languages and what you need in a relationship to feel happy. For instance, I value quality time a great deal and words of affirmation. Touch is also a very big deal to me, but considering that's impossible in our situation, I make up for it by sending messages that include hugs, kisses, etc. Words of affirmation is easy to achieve no matter how far apart a couple is. I send my SO little love notes whenever I feel like it, and she does, too. Even if we can't have live time together, an email, forum message, text, etc. will do, just to let her know how much I appreciate her. Quality time - usually there is at least an hour a day in which we are both free, so we Skype together, look at things online, mess around. Sometimes we have a few hours to spend together, although that's harder to squeeze in given conflicting schedules. Sometimes there are days we cannot talk. That's what messages are for (this goes back to words of affirmation), and whether they are long or short, it says, "I'm thinking about you!"
Of course, my relationship is not everyone's relationship. You may not value the things I value, but there are always other ways to show that the person is on your mind, and that's what counts! Relationships take work, but it is work worth doing. In order to let something grow, or even to just sustain it, one must nourish it. It seems your boyfriend is really not putting in any effort at all. He either is unaware of his neglect of the relationship because that's just how he is (be it from different love languages, inexperience with this situation, whatever else is escaping me) or he simply does not care.
It would be best to bring it up with him and try to work things out. Perhaps seriously reevaluate the decision to move in with him given your concerns and the current state of the relationship. If he is a keeper, he will understand and try to put more effort into making time for you, whether apart or together. Figure out what you need (especially what you need at a distance) in the relationship to keep you happy and tell him you'd like more of that. See what he likes and needs and do the same for him. I mean this isn't to say he has to remodel his life completely to fit you in it. It's just little compromises that make the other person happier. Why? Because you care. At the end, that's the point of doing any of this ridiculousness.
Also, I should have said this way earlier - you are not being clingy at all. You like the guy and you'd like some reassurances that he likes you just as much. If he can't put in the effort now to show you how much he wants, likes, and appreciates you, what makes you think he will when you are together? Just out of convenience? The truth is, it will never be convenient. His life won't suddenly clear up once you get there. So, anyways, just bring it up with him and have an open, honest discussion about it and see what you arrive at. If he won't bother with any changes, or if he doesn't follow through, ask yourself if it is truly worth it. If it works out, that's great!
Well, you clearly need more than that. Just let him know. Start off by just suggesting a thing or two. If he remains unresponsive, make him find some time to talk and go over this issue with him.
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