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Discussion Starter #101
I forget how different we can be. It's such a learning process.

me - needs alone time, calm, needs quiet/silence, introverted
him - needs people time, high-energy, bouncy ball, won't ever stop talking i wonder if he breathes sometimes <img src="http://personalitycafe.com/images/smilies/1/laughing.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Laughing" class="inlineimg" />

I think my problem is all my past fears are kicking up, and it's making me shut down. But I'm trying to learn to stay in it and through the fear. I feel like such a jerk for not communicating I needed space, but I couldn't help it-- I honestly thought I was getting messed with emotionally.

Thanks for your help. :)
Just let him know just what you told me. While we can read emotions, we can’t always read/know what causes them. So let him know. He will understand and be even more understanding the next time a situation like this occurs.

When we’re in love with you, we can be quite selfless. We will put your needs before our own, even to our own detriment. You know that an ESFP truly loves you when he chooses you over himself. (^_^
I told him. He told me it’s totally okay, he Ni’ed me while I was taking time (lol!), and not to be so hard on myself.

Basically we’re over that hiccup. I feel like everything is stabilizing now (thank god 😂).

Navigating this has been such a learning process. Ugh ESFP steals my heart.
 

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Well, her feelings? Don't know. Couldn't do much there, considering we live 1200-ish miles apart now.
She wouldn't open up to me on that. So I guess she preferred to deal with it herself, with other friends or family.
We still talk on a occasional basis or so, so yeah, friendship did make it IMHO.

Since we haven't met face-to-face I've no way of telling awkwardness, really. there might be? I was the first one ever to dump her.

Best of luck to you on that conversation.:heart:
So you've never rekindled emotions for someone after they have been tamped out?

Awww.... thanks! Conversation went as I thought it would, but at least now I know. (^_^;;
 

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Discussion Starter #104
Hahaha... what does this mean? XD

Anyway, I'm glad that things are back on track for you both. Best of luck for future happiness~ :heart:
LOL. It means he used his intuitive function to work backwards and figure me out and what happened. Right on point too.

Thank you. I'm nervous, but THANK YOU.
 

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So you've never rekindled emotions for someone after they have been tamped out?

Awww.... thanks! Conversation went as I thought it would, but at least now I know. (^_^;;
Not that I can remember on top of my head. I think it goes with the "no is no", so I won't allow any rekindling to take place.
I might be a little to good at moving on, but at the same time I don't mind being single.

Glad to hear you got it sorted out.:proud:
 

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Discussion Starter #106
So you've never rekindled emotions for someone after they have been tamped out?

Awww.... thanks! Conversation went as I thought it would, but at least now I know. (^_^;;
You rekindle emotions for someone after they have been tamped out? Is that an ESFP thing?
 

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You rekindle emotions for someone after they have been tamped out? Is that an ESFP thing?
There are two ways that I get over someone:

1. The feeling dies naturally; can mellow into something platonic over time or can die suddenly due to the words/actions of the other party

2. The feeling never really dies, just get tamped down like banked coals

If it’s the second way, then yes, tamped down feelings can reignite (and sometimes very easily). Not sure if it’s an ESFP thing or just a me thing. (^_^;

I’m kinda of worried about why you’re asking though. Everything okay with your ESFP?
 

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You rekindle emotions for someone after they have been tamped out? Is that an ESFP thing?
This really depends on how it ends. If it ends mutually because of incompatibility at the time, then yes, I would consider it. If someone hurt me then no. It takes a lot for me to cut someone out of my life but once it's done it can't be undone.


As for how fast I fall in love, I used to fall in love so fast and so hard until I got burned really badly. Now I get quite anxious about love. I'm not sure how to describe it, I still know that I love someone quite a bit earlier than my "partner", but there is something inside of me that stops me dead in my tracks until I know absolutely that it will be reciprocated.
 

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Discussion Starter #109 (Edited)
There are two ways that I get over someone:

1. The feeling dies naturally; can mellow into something platonic over time or can die suddenly due to the words/actions of the other party

2. The feeling never really dies, just get tamped down like banked coals

If it’s the second way, then yes, tamped down feelings can reignite (and sometimes very easily). Not sure if it’s an ESFP thing or just a me thing. (^_^;

I’m kinda of worried about why you’re asking though. Everything okay with your ESFP?
Aww thank you for your concern! I meant to get back to this sooner, but life got the best of me.

It's been 4 long months of working through triggers and honestly, things haven't taken off. They came close to, unfortunately that was met with a hiccup again :(. And I've been trying my best to center and live my life because he withdrew quite a bit. And I can tell he's been trying to reach out (like once a week or once every 2 weeks) and I recently received a message that he got me a gift for Christmas. I'm assuming that's his attempt at seeing each other (we haven't seen each other since before Thanksgiving).

It's been really hard because he hasn't been able to process out a lot of his fears/insecurities/self-worth patterns, and I understand you can't fix that for someone else. It was causing a lot of "power plays" in our dynamic that I kept addressing I was not okay with because I only want to be in a relationship with a partner who is going to play on a same team as me, and he withdrew because he was having such a hard time trying to make it work. I'm assuming healthy relationships and communicating is new for him, so he's a fish out of water with a lot of his previous programming kicking up and it was overwhelming him.

He had such a hard time telling me how he felt when I asked. We never discussed the "I love you" thing again. I've in two other instances, expressed that he is loved (indirectly) but by me. And I'm not afraid to tell him how I feel. I do it through poetry all the time, and just in general conversation. And eventually he said he cared about me and that he had told his mom about my poems. I don't know why, but it's just not enough-- perhaps because my love language is words of affirmation and I'm big on check-ins on emotional well-being. I can't do hot/cold where he says he feels a certain way then disappears on me then comes back like nothing happened... :dry:

And I expressed the last time we talked that perhaps we can find a solution somehow-- maybe not date until his work life balance stabilizes (he was working 15-16 hours a day 6-7 days a week) and he wasn't present in our dynamic. And he said if that's what I wanted but it's not ideal. So I asked him what would be ideal, and he brushed it off/deflected and got a little short with me. At that point, I just gave it space. I dropped off his Christmas gift right before Christmas, and then just let things be. I heard from him then, but again between that it was 4 days before he told me how thoughtful the gift was. I understand, he's going through a lot, but at the same time, I was starting to feel like a punching bag that he felt I was the cause of his triggers (couldn't separate his past vs. present), and that's not fair to me.

I don't know the outcome, except to say, I feel he needs time. I really want it to work out, but also I'm trying to live my life the best that I can so I don't get sucked into trying to heal/fix (which I have a tendency to do). I don't want to continue in a cycle of repeating his past patterns until he digs deep and figures it out himself. (Sadly, we can't do the work for others).

I think my INFP self-preservation instincts kicked in after multiple cycles of this. I just got too emotionally exhausted-- I feel we both did.
 

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What is love?

As an insecure teenager I "fell in love" with anybody who was fine and showed some interest in me. Pretty edgy and stupid I had been.

Nowadays? Who knows. I am in love currently. I feel very well and stable in my relationship, yet I despise the concept of love. It does not make sense at all.
 

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As a younger guy ESFP here, I can answer this with a resounding YES.

Maybe I need to be corrected here, but in any romantic interest I have had, I only pursued it if I had *those* feelings. Very black and white for me. It feels way too good when its reciprocated, and feels really bad when its not.

From a moral standpoint, I try and avoid sex until we`ve been dating for a month or two. I like to figure out everything else BEFORE giving "it" up to someone, to figure out if I was falling in lust or in love. For me, I prefer to not engage in sex until I know for sure that the attraction is deeper than physical.
 

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There are two ways that I get over someone:

1. The feeling dies naturally; can mellow into something platonic over time or can die suddenly due to the words/actions of the other party

2. The feeling never really dies, just get tamped down like banked coals

If it’s the second way, then yes, tamped down feelings can reignite (and sometimes very easily). Not sure if it’s an ESFP thing or just a me thing. (^_^;

@ametan

Hey there, I'm an INFJ currently in a relationship with an ESFP whom I care about very much <3 I've been stalking this thread, AHAHA, and trying to get some insight into my partner so I can understand her better and also soothe my internal anxieties. I struggle with an insecure attachment style, and I'm working through the trauma of my past relationship with an INFP that had untreated BPD and was just... really unstable, hot and cold, on and off, and just bad for me. A consequence of that past relationship is that I get intrusive thoughts about whether or not my new ESFP partner still likes me and is attracted to me.

I can't express to you how valuable your replies to this thread have been for me, so thank you so much! You've given me immense insight.

I just wanted to ask -- how does that first part, the slow dying out of your feelings, happen? Over what does it happen? What makes you lose romantic interest, and just feel platonic for the person?

Objectively, my ESFP has given me no reason to doubt that she likes me very much. It's just those damn intrusive thoughts and the trauma of my past relationship that's making me doubt this much. Plus, being an INFJ, I'm a queen of overanalyzing myself into a fit. :p

Thanks so much!
 

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Hey there, I'm an INFJ currently in a relationship with an ESFP whom I care about very much <3 I've been stalking this thread, AHAHA, and trying to get some insight into my partner so I can understand her better and also soothe my internal anxieties. I struggle with an insecure attachment style, and I'm working through the trauma of my past relationship with an INFP that had untreated BPD and was just... really unstable, hot and cold, on and off, and just bad for me. A consequence of that past relationship is that I get intrusive thoughts about whether or not my new ESFP partner still likes me and is attracted to me.

I can't express to you how valuable your replies to this thread have been for me, so thank you so much! You've given me immense insight.

I just wanted to ask -- how does that first part, the slow dying out of your feelings, happen? Over what does it happen? What makes you lose romantic interest, and just feel platonic for the person?

Objectively, my ESFP has given me no reason to doubt that she likes me very much. It's just those damn intrusive thoughts and the trauma of my past relationship that's making me doubt this much. Plus, being an INFJ, I'm a queen of overanalyzing myself into a fit. :p

Thanks so much!
Thanks so much for this comment, @silasani. Glad you found my comments helpful in understanding your ESFP. (^_^

The great thing about ESFPs is that we hate playing games. We're pretty crap about hiding our feelings and we usually don't even feel like we need to hide how we feel. We're okay with being vulnerable around the people that we love and trust. So you never need to guess how we feel about you. We are pretty open and expressive about our feelings. So if you are feeling loved by us, then you are loved by us. Believe me, you'll notice if our feelings change for you... we can't hide that, either.

My advice to you, just enjoy her love. We can be kind, compassionate, and selfless with those that we love, but only if we feel like our love is accepted without strings or the need to constantly be proven. We will say 'I love you' daily, even hourly, if unprompted. But constantly ask us for attention or validation, and we quickly get drained. We're an independent sort. We don't like feeling tied down or fettered. We hate feeling obligated. But trust in our love and we will give it freely. We're contrary that way. XD

Regarding losing romantic interest, there can be multiple reasons for this. The attraction was just fleeting and once the itch has been scratched, I am no longer interested. Or if the other person is not interested in me in a romantic fashion, then I will tamp down on my feelings and they fade into something that is more platonic. This rarely happens if the attraction and the feelings are mutual, though.

My advice to you, stop overthinking things and just enjoy being wrapped up in her SeFi. Don't look for hidden meaning or ulterior motives. If she seems like she enjoys spending time with you, it's because she does very much enjoy spending time with you. And dollars to donuts, you captivate her with your NiFe. (^_~

Best of luck! <3
 

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Hey @ametan Thank you again so much! This has been really helpful and soothing to read.

We're now on our third month, and I'm in a much better place about us mentally and emotionally. I feel more secure in her attraction now after having spent more time with her, and us having gotten to know each other better as we have. I still have pockets of insecurity of course, and much of them are to do with anxieties instilled in me from my previous relationship with an untreated BPD ex.

But goodness, I am so very fond of her, and we always have a blast of a time. The way our senses of humour and our brands of intellect run away together and complement each other is very attractive and has produced some of the best fun and laughter I've had in months. So I think you're right there, my NiFe has definitely been something she's been enjoying playing with and familiarizing herself with--and it's much the same with me and her SeFi!

I've been giving her plenty of space, and we hit each other up whenever we feel like it while still making sure to make plans for some quality time roasting movies together (which usually just devolves into us chatting before we remember that we have a movie to get through, AHAHA!). But you're definitely right there, it's key for me to keep in mind to give her the space she needs, and not fall into the needy patterns that insecurities may sometimes lead me down internally.

Part of what I've learned from you and from some youtubers on ESFPs, is that with your type, "out of sight" does NOT mean "out of mind" in the traditional sense, and that a free ESFP will always come back, as they are quite loyal (correct me if I'm wrong at any point!) to the same degree that they are quite independent. So while she might not message me until late at night, or the next day, doesn't mean she isn't thinking of me or happy to be with me. Chances are she's got me on her mind, but is happy and engaged with some activity until she figures she wants to call. And of course, she's always been happy to answer when I take the initiative and make contact.

Lots of love to you ESFPs. Although ours is a rare match, I really do believe the ESFP and INFJ are prone to a fantastic dynamic. Can't wait for things to be safe again, so we can see each other face to face once more and I can get back to showing her off ;D

Thanks again for replying, friend. Your reply brought a smile to my face, and gave me even more insight.

Hope you're staying safe! <3
 
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