[Suzziexo]

I have a friend at university but I'm eventually finding out she's effecting me negatively. We share groceries so she visits my dorm everyday for lunch and dinner, but I end up cooking for both of us while she's being a coach potato.

She is so loud and childish that sometimes I get a headache and I am worried that my roommate is getting distracted by her. She takes life as a joke and nothing seriously.

She also stays in my room for a long time, and I have no time to recharge or have some alone time. I am an A student, and want to focus on my studies, while she doesn't give a shit. And I'm worried that she'll eventually influence my grades.

She keeps inviting her friends to my dorm without ask me as if it's hers?? Even though her friends are really nice I sometimes need a break from people.

She wants to meet one of my friends, and today she told me "why is that girl friends with you? She's way cooler." Even though it's a joke, it wasn't funny.

She makes me feel bad about myself even though I'm one of the best students in the major. She makes me feel like I'm the same level as her. And now I'm stuck in a group work with her and she's doing nothing.

Also, when we plan to go out she always brings one of her friends that I don't know and we end up spending the whole day out when my only intention was to go out for groceries.

I feel so tired and drained that sometimes I can't wake up for my class the next morning. I'm so fed up, I want some space.

I'm such a nice person that I would never confess these things to her. I'm not ready for some drama. She lost many of her friends due to her behavior so I'm starting to believe that she've got issues.

Am I overreacting? I want to stop hanging out with her but the problem is that her groceries are in my dorm so she'll probably come everyday for lunch and dinner.

Sorry for the long rant.
Guys, please help. What should I do?

 

[Chesire Tower]

You're giving her way to much power; she can't impose on you without your consent. You don't want to be around her? Tell her you're buzy, tired, kidnapped by aliens, whatever. She cannot control you, unless you let her; so stop doing that.

 

[chad86tsi]

Stop buying groceries. Let them run out, and refuse to buy new ones with her. Tell her your grades are slipping and you need to double down and study, this precludes spending any of your free time with her because now you have no free time.. Disentangle yourself. NO more shared food, no more time, no more access to your room. It can be gradual to lessen the conflict, but be firm and consistent with your boundaries.

 

[theflame]

Tell it to her straight. Give her, her groceries back. Your place is not hers. She is not paying rent. Eventually, I've always gotten busy with life so I didn't need to say much to people but if you do have to say something you can also tell her she is taking up a lot of your time and space and you don't want to hang out with her anymore if she is not going to be serious about her studies.

 

[Red Panda]

Why do you share groceries with her?
You have to set boundaries, tell her you need to study, you are tired, you have other things to do. Take back control of your time and life and don't let her come to your dorm whenever she wants.
You are being too passive. Don't be afraid to say no. You don't have to tell her she is annoying, you just have to set boundaries about your time.

 

[Buzz]

Hey there,

I am an ISTP, so it is perhaps an Inferior Fe thing, where we have a simple and logical way to decide what is nice and what not. I have and had similar problems for a few years, until I had an inner turning point where I got slowly more and more frustrated and said my opinion more often loudly.
After that half of the people felt irritated and hold more distance, but the other half liked my authentic side and I got more respect.

I am still bound in a certain way, but I spoke openly about my goals and that my available time will change, but that we will stay friends.

If those people are friends for you, then you will have problems with suddenly ending everything, so... how important are they to you?
If they would dislike you as soon as you stand tall, they aren't worth your precious friendship. You are not lesser than them.

As INTP, think of reasons which you could bring on, so they are hitting a wall whenever you need space and peace. You don't need to give an alternative, that is their problem. They need to support themselves. It's a hard world.

You can send me a PM too, if you need input.

 

[Surreal Snake]

People will take advantage of you your whole life onwards if you don’t put a stop to it now it will only get worse. Tell her you’re done with her and get your groceries tfo of the fridge

 

[Chamberlain]

This person is absolutely not a friend but an effing freeloader. You need to set boundaries with her, get her groceries out and be mentally ready to confront her if necessary. The situation will become a drama if you let it be. You can be firm, and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable, and if she starts going mental then it's her problem, not yours, even if you're involved. Your problem is to stay focused on your studies so you can keep getting good grades and her behaviour is just a glitch you need to get rid of. You've got other friends, so there's 0 reason to keep her around.

Also, I'd worry about the roommate too; if they start to get really annoyed, they may become annoyed at you for letting her invading your space, instead of being mad at her for being a nuisance. The sooner you let the "friend" go, the better for your own relationship with your roommate (even if you're not very close, it's better than having to live with your roommie resenting you for the rest of the semester/year).

It's important for you to stay unaffected by it, and I can understand if you think that this is difficult or even impossible. I've never been in such situations but for me, cutting off "friends" who had a very negative impact on my life has actually been fairly easy: you just let them go. Ignore them and treat them like you would treat a "crazy" person randomly rambling in the metro, the streets, etc.

If you keep telling yourself that it's not your problem, this whole situation will stop being your problem and your """friend""" 's only solution will be to let it go too, because it's likely that at one point she'll be too tired/desperate/(insert adjective of your choice) to keep on trying.

PM me if you feel like it, maybe I can provide additional insight.

Add: about the group work, if it's just the two of you, maybe you can talk to your lecturer (last resort) or at least tell her to wake the f up. If it's a bigger group, just do your part of the work, there isn't much you can do, hoping that the other group mates work as hard as you do.

 

[Skeletalz]

I'm such a nice person that I would never confess these things to her. I'm not ready for some drama. She lost many of her friends due to her behavior so I'm starting to believe that she've got issues.

You already know the solution to your problem. Being able to communicate and negotiate situations like this is an absolutely essential part of life, you cannot expect to get anything done by avoiding the problem and letting it crush you.

Do not rush to the conclusion that youre a nice person unless you are absolutely sure that you arent just a tolerable pushover.

 

[Caveman Dreams]

Set boundries and make them clear.
Stop being so damn nice (I mean that in the nicest way possible).
Just tell her you are busy, stop sharing groceries and get on with your study.
She is just freeloading off you.

 

[Asd456]

She sounds like a horrible friend. I would cut her out but that's just me. She's not influencing you in a positive way and as an INTP with weak Fe it is hard to assert yourself in social situations without feeling inadequate yet you must do it. Stop sharing groceries with her. Stop cooking for her (I bet she's not washing the dishes afterwards). Tell her to leave your room. Further, the fact that she invites her friends over without your permission is another red flag and should also be another topic of discussion. You need to tell her no and assert yourself not only in this situation but in terms of other situations as well such as bringing friends to your room without notifying you beforehand or bringing friends to go out without telling you, etc. It's time to reassess the pros and cons and evaluate if the friendship is worth your time and investment.

 

[Zeus]

Tell her you have to study and you'll talk to her later or that you have an exam coming up. With getting her to help you cook, just ask you politely.

 

[SilentScream]

Sorry for the long rant.
Guys, please help. What should I do?

My wife has a very strong view about these things. She basically says that if someone isn't measuring up in terms of contributing to a relationship, then they're not worth being in a relationship with. Ever since I realized that some relationships need to be utilitarian, it's been very easy for me to end toxic relationships. You need to figure out if this person is providing you with something that you need in life and that if it balances out how much she gets in return from you. If it's unbalanced, then you can either find ways where you can get her to balance it out, or just find a way to end the relationship.

Ask her to do stuff with you or for you directly and in a positive way (as opposed to an accusatory way). If she rises up to the challenge, then that means she was just oblivious because you never let her know what you expected. If she doesn't rise up to the challenge, it's very likely that she'll leave you alone on her own. Set specific things that you need/want her to do for you and communicate those to her directly and in a non-passive way.

 

[Index]

Is she influencing you, your studying or your grades? Yes, absolutely. Then again, many things influence that largely without you even realising. I'd recommend you look at the trade-offs and just choose a path which suits you more nicely. I don't think she can object if you're letting her know that you want to get stuff done.