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How to apologize to an INTJ

*Make it simple and direct.
Don't try to explain anything, because he/she already knows everything. If you try to explain something, he/she will misinterpret that effort as some kind of justification for your mistake. Choose your words carefully and keep it as short as possible. Say that you are sorry and aware of the damage... And... Shut up! That's all.

*Don't ask for forgiveness.
Asking for forgiveness will make him/her think that you are apologizing. Not because you are honestly sorry, but because there's a practical reason: Reestablishing the trust. INTJs hate providing trust if you are begging for it... Calm down! You said that you are sorry and aware of the damage. After all, he/she will eventually forgive you. We are smart enough to realize that you are expecting forgiveness as the result.

*Don't try to negotiate.
This is not a mexican standoff... And... Trust me, he/she can draw his/her gun faster than you will. You were wrong... Right? That's why you want to apologize. So, don't imply anything about your own share of the mutual damage. Again... He/she already knows everything. If you properly apologized, he/she will also apologize for his/her own mistake.

*Don't be stupid.
Focus on the chronology and nuances while reading his/her sentences. He/she is using every single letter on purpose. Don't skip a word and stay away from simplifications. See all those details and their relationship with each other to figure out a bigger picture.

*Be serious.
Don't smile... Seriously! Be serious.
 

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Good tips.

My rule of thumb with issues is to get everything out like you said, directly. I want to know where you stand, and you need to know where I stand so there are no secrets. You need to meet me there for it to work. I'm going to be frank, and probably blunt with you, and I expect you to do it to me in return. Feelings and emotions aren't really part of the picture - it needs to be about the truth of the situation, as it is.

Honestly this is all I really need. Apologies are a waste of time as I probably wasn't offended to begin with and if I was, that's my problem to deal with not yours.
 

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I actually hate apologies. Most of the time because the apology is demanded by the group or the person wants something from me. I much prefer them to admit they were wrong or made a mistake and that they will strive to fix/make changes to the problem. To me this is more genuine and more likely to restore a level of trust.
 

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I think the most important thing is to admit you are wrong, I will only ignore you temporarily so that you have space and time to figure out what went wrong. As long as you admit your mistakes, we're cool again. Also, promise you wont make the same stupid mistake again, because I wont forgive twice.
 

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Say that you are [...] aware of the damage... [/QUOTE]

Caveat to this one: Don't even think about trying to itemize the damage itself in this one. Such as, for instance, second-guessing whatever you caused me to feel. Even if you do guess it right, that isn't your statement to make. I'll tell you how you caused me to feel . . . if I feel like it. But if you demonstrate to me that you don't understand that boundary clearly enough to stay respectfully on your side of it, then I'm probably not going to feel like it.

Proviso attached to the caveat: Of course, you must understand that simply saying 'I'm aware of the damage' and then shutting up is just as likely to strike me as presumptuous and add a new layer of alienation onto the original one.

Summary: If you upset me, then I won't like you. If I don't like you, the inducement for me to tell you a damned thing about the emotional me, or even admit one exists, goes way down. While I am aware on the other side of my mind that talk is necessary to resolve an issue, simple fact is once you've upset me talking 'emotion' with you is a wildly unwelcome idea.

Conclusion and summary: Basically, if you happen to piss me off, you're pretty much screwed.

Limited statement of liability: Yeah, we know this is kind of/sort of our fault as well

Status update: Head office has been aware for some time that a technical glitch between heart/mind exists, and we are (sort of) (kind of) (sometimes) working on it. We'll let you know.

And in the meantime: Have this apology.
 

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1. Never feign ignorance. We know when you're faking it.
2. If you messed up, 'fess up. We'd do the same.
3. We give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Takes a lot to lose our respect, but once that line is crossed, you have some serious reflection/behavior editing to do before you get it back. You'll have to earn it the 2nd time around.
4. If you've made it to the select group of people we deeply care for, it means we've overlooked your inconsistencies because we value you as a whole. We'll go out of our way to make sure your security, happiness, and comfort is realized.
 

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How to apologize to an INTJ

*Make it simple and direct.
Don't try to explain anything, because he/she already knows everything. If you try to explain something, he/she will misinterpret that effort as some kind of justification for your mistake. Choose your words carefully and keep it as short as possible. Say that you are sorry and aware of the damage... And... Shut up! That's all.
Wow, no wonder I screw this one up. I always 'explain' the reasons why I screwed up in great length. lol I thought this was *humility* and also shows an understanding. After all, screwing up is serious business.

Bone of contention: Seriously? You already know everything? no, no no no you do not. Come on dude.
 

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Bone of contention: Seriously? You already know everything? no, no no no you do not. Come on dude.
Oh I know, you're right.

How to apologize to an INTJ


*Make it simple and direct.
Don't try to explain anything, because he/she already knows everything. If you try to explain something, he/she will misinterpret that effort as some kind of justification for your mistake. Choose your words carefully and keep it as short as possible. Say that you are sorry and aware of the damage... And... Shut up! That's all.
My take on it is that (logical) explanations are welcomed, but excuses are not.

Explanations can help clear the air and clear up any misunderstandings from both parties. Contrary to a seemingly popular belief, INTJs do succumb to misinterpretations, mistakes, misjudgements, and fail to "know everything". The part in bold in the quoted post above is contradictory. How is it possible for one to "know everything" and yet "misinterpret" something. That would seem like the "everything" one knows is majorly contaminated with misinterpretations, and therefore mainly knows fallacies, which thus becomes closer to knowing nothing (of truth, that is).

Excuses, on the other hand, are what comes across as trying to (weakly) justify a mistake and pushing the blame/responsibility to other factors. There's a difference.
 

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Sometimes my inner voice should stay there. Let me try a more constructive post.

For me personally, you won't need a guide:

1) If you made a mistake based on bad judgement/info/bad mood or other things that are circumstantial and you cannot really help I'll not blame you personally, and I expect the same from you for me. I know how much can go wrong and how much randomness there is. Let's just work from the viewpoint that we both make mistakes, did not mean to make them, and not blame each other.

2) If I think you intentionally did something harmful to me - I'll assume you have a reason and I'll ask for it. If there's a good reason, I'll accept it. If not, you can apologize all you want - you showed a flaw in your character. That means you're a dangerous person and I'll avoid interaction with you from now on.
 

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dude missed point of topic. Its less (likely to be) on how to appologise to OP specifically, and more (likely to be) a guide for non-INTJ to appologise to a *sterotypical* INTJ and have the apology be well recieved.

The advice is a series of things that indicate, again to a stereotypical INTJ, that you understand what you've done wrong (at least in the mind of the INTJ) and are sorry, without alienating them by being (viewed as) presumptious or having an ulterior motive.

Its by no means comprehensive or all inclusive. People are individuals, after all.


If you attempt to justify something to me (i lashed out because I was hurt or in a bad mood, or, or, or, ect) I'm not forgiving you. I won't hold it against you, but that is not an acceptable reason for a dileberately hurtful action, and i"m unlikely to continue associating with anyone who cannot reign in this tendancy.
 

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dude missed point of topic. Its less (likely to be) on how to appologise to OP specifically, and more (likely to be) a guide for non-INTJ to appologise to a *sterotypical* INTJ and have the apology be well recieved.

The advice is a series of things that indicate, again to a stereotypical INTJ, that you understand what you've done wrong (at least in the mind of the INTJ) and are sorry, without alienating them by being (viewed as) presumptious or having an ulterior motive.

It's by no means comprehensive or all inclusive. People are individuals, after all.
Yeah I see that. I personally thought a guide is a bit too much.

Would maybe like one for apologizing to 'F' types though, now I'm thinking about it. Now there's a challenge because even they don't know what you did wrong :p.

Last post in this thread.
 

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Wow, no wonder I screw this one up. I always 'explain' the reasons why I screwed up in great length. lol I thought this was *humility* and also shows an understanding. After all, screwing up is serious business.

Bone of contention: Seriously? You already know everything? no, no no no you do not. Come on dude.
I would word it more as, we already have our opinions formed on the situation, who was right or wrong or where the mistake was made. We can be pretty stubborn so an apology where you try to explain you're side is viewed like you are justifying the actions that you took. We use the facts from the situation usually not you're feelings, so saying "I'm sorry I was just really upset because of blah blah blah justify blah blah i didn't mean to blah blah" it literally turns into charlie brown talking to the adults, we just listen for certain cues, if you say to much we will pick that apart into having a completely different meaning.
 

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Being genuine, understanding where you went wrong, and willing to apologize/take responsibility is good enough for me.

But if it's a character flaw that generates bad results, I'm likely to stay away from you in the first place.
 
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