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I have absolutely no clue. I'm so scared that I'll damage our great friendship. I feel like, romanticist that I am, I'd scare her with whatever gesture I use to convey my emotions for her because it'll come as a shock how strong and passionate they are. :confused:

What would be the best way to ask an INFP out without making her feeling uncomfortable, pressured, shocked, taken aback, or uneasy? Thanks.
 

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I have absolutely no clue. I'm so scared that I'll damage our great friendship. I feel like, romanticist that I am, I'd scare her with whatever gesture I use to convey my emotions for her because it'll come as a shock how strong and passionate they are. :confused:

What would be the best way to ask an INFP out without making her feeling uncomfortable, pressured, shocked, taken aback, or uneasy? Thanks.
Whyyyy ? What do you think you will do ? ;)
Well, take it slowly, give HIIIINTS... Like, If you guys are talking, tell her your most favourite thing. Favourite book, or your most favourite place, stories about yourself. Basically, something authentic. She will ask about it. Build up the foundation is okay. Well, check out the responses when you do tell her these things and see what happens, and if that goes well, I suppose just one day, randomly... find a way to express your interest in her in more than friends. I don't care how you do it. But make it a fun thing. Come on, you are an ENFJ, you should know fun extroverted things. Sing to her? Send her a balloon? Send her a card? Leave her a note ? Something random, but fun, and it gives the message across. Then I guess stalk and see her response from afar ? Hehehe....

That's it! ;)


[Added] By the way, my consultation fee is 50 USD.
 

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I would say that you're already on the right track by being concerned about coming on too strong. Because you realize the potential to scare away your wanted date, you already know to tread lightly and to be gentle. That was going to be my advice, so all I can say now is best of luck to you :happy:
 

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Don't make a big confession of your feelings...that will be overwhelming & pressuring.
Just ask her out & make it known it's a date so she doesn't think you're just hanging out as buddies. I'm taking it you're already established friends, so the biggest hurdle is establishing that you'd like to be more than that.

Be simple & direct: "We're such great friends, but I think we could be something more." I know sometimes hints go over my head, so you want to be clear without being too pushy. Maybe the above is cheesy, but I think it conveys the general idea of being clear about your interest in her.

If she doesn't return the interest, then it's best to find out ASAP anyway. It won't ruin the friendship so long as you're not too intense about it. I've been in this situation, and we remained friends despite my lack of returned interest.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Whyyyy ? What do you think you will do ? ;)
Well, take it slowly, give HIIIINTS... Like, If you guys are talking, tell her your most favourite thing. Favourite book, or your most favourite place, stories about yourself. Basically, something authentic. She will ask about it. Build up the foundation is okay. Well, check out the responses when you do tell her these things and see what happens, and if that goes well, I suppose just one day, randomly... find a way to express your interest in her in more than friends.
...
[Added] By the way, my consultation fee is 50 USD.
Haha great! I hope she's as easy-going as you are; she's never been in a relationship and only recently moved back here after five years gone in China (I'm in the US), so I'm afraid she might be a little bit unsure or naive about relationships.

I wanted to keep the thread more general, but as far as my situation goes...
Right now, we talk daily both in person and over the internet. At an overnight competition last year with my robotics team, we spent every evening watching romantic comedies and half falling asleep on each other. I'm not someone who is superfluously physical, and physical intimacy means a lot more to me than sweet words or gifts. Yet, I'm really friendly with most people, and I don't want my effusiveness with other people to be confused with affection; I know a few others have mistaken my openness and compassion for romantic interest, and I hope that INFP doesn't think my interest in her is typical of me. I'm really uncertain about that.

I don't care how you do it. But make it a fun thing. Come on, you are an ENFJ, you should know fun extroverted things. Sing to her? Send her a balloon? Send her a card? Leave her a note ? Something random, but fun, and it gives the message across. Then I guess stalk and see her response from afar ? Hehehe....
Don't make a big confession of your feelings...that will be overwhelming & pressuring.
Just ask her out & make it known it's a date so she doesn't think you're just hanging out as buddies. I'm taking it you're already established friends, so the biggest hurdle is establishing that you'd like to be more than that.

Be simple & direct: "We're such great friends, but I think we could be something more." I know sometimes hints go over my head, so you want to be clear without being too pushy. Maybe the above is cheesy, but I think it conveys the general idea of being clear about your interest in her.
I guess these two suggestions are at odds with each other. The ENFJ side of me wants to do something creative and original not for the sake of being showy but because it reflects my personality. The empathic side of me feels like this would be overwhelming for her; she's usually shy until she gets to know people well, and though we're close, it still might be over the top.

We have a school dance coming up for which the theme is Harry Potter to commemorate the recent and final movie release. Being a robotics guy, I'm thinking of attaching a stuffed owl to a quadrocopter and delivering a message by "owl mail" when she isn't around many people. If I'm understanding INFPs correctly, I don't want to put her on the spot or make her the center of attention. I guess I just have too much fear of everything that could go wrong.

If she doesn't return the interest, then it's best to find out ASAP anyway. It won't ruin the friendship so long as you're not too intense about it. I've been in this situation, and we remained friends despite my lack of returned interest.
Thanks for the assurance. Being two grades ahead of her, I have a sinking feeling that we'd drift away after I head off to college, and I know she's someone I want to keep close to me. I hope that we'll be able to preserve our friendship whatever happens...
 

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1) don't be too tense- this means have a productive day so ur relaxed more than usual so u are confident. A little nervous is acceptable. Sometimes its good to just be more enthusiastic when this happens, because it gets it out of the system, and breaks the ice too. Just dont be creepy and bark like a dog if this is the case. Watch how people express enthusiasm that get positive results and practice in a mirror if need be, then to people you are less invested in, etc..

2) Ask, there is simply no way to know how ready someone is to go on a date. If you two were enjoying eachothers company, then if she rejects you it is either because she changed her mind about you the second you asked because you were too tense perhaps, or because she just isnt ready.

3) If she rejects you, but you werent like a complete spaz, and you think shes just not ready as opposed to you coming off too tense, then distance yourself from her in a mature way. Its not that you are mad, or sad, its that you felt a little disappointed, but are dealing with the emotion quickly, maturely, and efficiencly, logically distancing yourself a bit from the connection yall had. This will do two things. It will protect you from becoming dependent on her for your self esteem, and it will also make her consider whether she is ready or not. One more thing it will do is perhaps paint you in a different, mature light, that she will become attracted to.

That is it really. Now im off to the vent thread.

Oh, and just because I want to ruffle OrangeApple's feathers. Forget that "dont show too much emotions stuff." I got the current girl I'm talking to because of my willingness to self disclose and express my passion. Be what feels natural. Just because what you are doing is unconventional, doesn't mean you can't still get someone unconventional :) Not everyone wants someone cookie cutter conventional ;) There are always certain kind of girls that like this kind of stuff. But they have to see your confidence. Thats important. They just want to see you open up, because thats when you shine.

So, what gets you to open up and shine? That is all they want really. To be sensitive to what opens them up, and to make plans in your life to open up and continue opening up. :)
 

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I have absolutely no clue. I'm so scared that I'll damage our great friendship. I feel like, romanticist that I am, I'd scare her with whatever gesture I use to convey my emotions for her because it'll come as a shock how strong and passionate they are. :confused:

What would be the best way to ask an INFP out without making her feeling uncomfortable, pressured, shocked, taken aback, or uneasy? Thanks.

I think spending time is the best way because ENFJ-INFP should be the best combination for an ENFJ. :D Sorry for my propaganda :D but it is how it went with my ex, we were together for 2 years after having spent time together for a week, mostly in her room. Lol.
 

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I guess these two suggestions are at odds with each other. The ENFJ side of me wants to do something creative and original not for the sake of being showy but because it reflects my personality. The empathic side of me feels like this would be overwhelming for her; she's usually shy until she gets to know people well, and though we're close, it still might be over the top.

We have a school dance coming up for which the theme is Harry Potter to commemorate the recent and final movie release. Being a robotics guy, I'm thinking of attaching a stuffed owl to a quadrocopter and delivering a message by "owl mail" when she isn't around many people. If I'm understanding INFPs correctly, I don't want to put her on the spot or make her the center of attention. I guess I just have too much fear of everything that could go wrong.
That's cute, but feel her out first (out, not up :tongue:). Have a "talk" and see if she is open to being more than friends. If she responds positively, then send your little "owl mail" to ask her to the dance; and yes, try and make it semi-private. Otherwise, you could possibly end up pressuring her into a "yes" she'd otherwise not give (as public requests often do) or humiliating yourself (as public rejections often do).

If you want to pull the full stop, big, romantic gesture, don't let cynical me stop you, but be aware it's a bigger risk. That stuff often results in a big payoff or a big disappointment.
 

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Okay, I guess I can see why you seem to see that it conflicts things. To be honest, I think what we all said is very very valid ? This is how I see it, and then you can judge accordingly to your own situation.

Yet, I'm really friendly with most people, and I don't want my effusiveness with other people to be confused with affection; I know a few others have mistaken my openness and compassion for romantic interest, and I hope that INFP doesn't think my interest in her is typical of me. I'm really uncertain about that.
Yep. I have been there too. I got told off by several male friends that I sent off mixed signals and lost a couple of really good candidates. I never got my signal read quite well. Even when one guy asked me out for a coffee. I did not get it. So he went and asked me out to a valentine's dinner, and then I clicked! lol. But, I was not comfortable, cos really we were not at stage 2 for very long. I felt intimidated. It was so badly handled. :( I now am so much more direct and responsive and clear now. I go away and reflect on my feelings too. I have been known to throw wobblies when I try to move it from 2 to 3. lol... Never mind. A girl should not need to be doing this.. It's a guy's job.


Stages
1 - Getting to know each other. What is your name, where do you live, what is your interest...
2 - Being friends, and spending time together on a more platonic level. Most often in a big group.
3 - Showing more romantic interests. Spending time just the two of you. Talking more intimately. About the future. Or as a couple.
4 - Declaring your romantic interest, and wanting to be their gf/bf. Asking directly whether they will be your gf/bf.
5 - Is the gf, or the bf etc.

The thing with most NFs is that, we are actually really seriously people person when we want to be. I used to be that way, and I realised that my social level, takes me to stage 2 for a platonic friend that others normally see it as dating? Whereas others none NFs, or Fs people assume I have interest already by going as far as 2. I find that strange. I had guys said to me "this is not a date, right? " lol. I have to put in boundaries now.


This is how I see dating in general.
Age 15-25 - At this age, you may not be as independent, you still want to keep friends close to you. So, most people will be platonic friends and they find a threshold to be this way. Even with people who is "unsure", sometimes they also hold you here too, at stage 2, until it takes feelings to be at 3, or it never gets there. But you got to be so mature about it though. If you like someone, you ask them on a date at stage 3.

Age 25+ - You are independent. You have your established friends. When you ask someone out, you are more direct, and not let people hang around waiting. Cos otherwise, it is not fair. So you ask someone out on a date from stage 1, as they could be random strangers to you. It may or may not progress to stage 3, and you do not waste people's time. Hence, you do not "play with people's feelings".


I do have male platonic friends, and we do remain a good respectable distance and so forth, but it will always be at stage 2, and any mundane subjects around 2. Nothing too intimate or private. I guess sometimes it is hurtful if one party falls for another, and the other party does not reciprocate the feelings, that is the main thing. So.. well, either party has to pretend to be so much more platonic until you are that bit certain and want to take things that bit further with each other. Most people just tease each other to get past to stage 3. Just flirt if you are at this stage and is unsure. Give it time to see her responses, and I mean like a couple of months. If she flirts back, then you know she has interests at that stage. Any big gesture, save it til you see a LOT of flirting from her. When you have been in 3 for a while and want to take it to 4.


Does it make sense now ? Do you see why you should not put forth a big gesture say within a month taking things from 1 to like 4 asap ? Make that 100 USD now please. (Well, this also do happen sometimes, but often it happens with older people who have had a lot of life's experiences, and do not want to waste time any more. They recognise so much more of each other's personalities and so forth. I have had friends who married within a year of meeting each other. I do not know how they did it, but they do connect. Very good mbti compatible choices too.)

Note:- No, sometimes I am not this kind of open either. I have my moods and times. So.. do not think that INFP can be always this out going, but sure, I hide this aspect of my personality, and put forward a more positive step when dating as well. Boys and girls should do this I think. Put forth your most positive self when dating. :)

- Btw, now that you do like a girl, and do want to keep friends. Do not be too close to other platonic female friends too. Be weary of your boundary. It is only just and respectful. Is she sees you as being too close to a female, she thinks you may like them instead of her, and she will distance herself as accordingly. Most INFP are very righteous like that. Weird. Unsatisfying. Stupid. :) There is that "self altruistic" feeling of giving up someone, cos they must like someone else etc, kind of mental flash may go through their minds too. This is whereby INFPs do not do themselves any justice.


Do not come back if you do not get her even after all these tips. :p
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Stages
1 - Getting to know each other. What is your name, where do you live, what is your interest...
2 - Being friends, and spending time together on a more platonic level. Most often in a big group.
3 - Showing more romantic interests. Spending time just the two of you. Talking more intimately. About the future. Or as a couple.
4 - Declaring your romantic interest, and wanting to be their gf/bf. Asking directly whether they will be your gf/bf.
5 - Is the gf, or the bf etc.
I'm guessing it's probably hard to generalize or throw into some formulaic method, but do you have a sense of how long in each stage would make you most comfortable? I've been acquainted with her for over a year, and have really known her for about 10 months. We're somewhere at stage 3ish, though by "showing romantic interest" it's not explicit at all. It's a lot of very subtle things: frequently looking at one another only to find the other person already peering over, and holding eye contact; talking about romantic anecdotes from stories or movies; not necessarily spending alone time with each other, but always being in close proximity with each other even in large groups; etc. Does that sound like an expression of interest that a more timid, less expressive partner might use (not sure if all INFPs are like that)?

Btw, now that you do like a girl, and do want to keep friends. Do not be too close to other platonic female friends too. Be weary of your boundary. It is only just and respectful. Is she sees you as being too close to a female, she thinks you may like them instead of her, and she will distance herself as accordingly.
I'm terrible at this. I don't associate with other female friends in a flirtatious matter at all; in fact, I'm not really very flirtatious with the INFP either. But, I am always extremely open and animated in my interacting with people such that it may seem that I'm devoting a lot of energy towards people. I'll really have to work on this...

Do not come back if you do not get her even after all these tips. :p
Oh boy.
 
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Just telling you, since this girl sounds as though she is an important friend to you--

If you are not sure as to whether she is into you as well or not, doooon't take the risk. Not to be a boner killer here, but I'm just saying that if you intimidate her by being too forward, your "friendship" may never be the same again...

Other than that, if you're wanting to ask her to go wherever "as friends," feel free. But make the emphasis of as friends if you're afraid of frightening her off.

Oh and one of the most important factors to remember: please, please do not be effusive with your words if you decide to confess. I don't know about other INFP females, but as for me, a guy being gushy is very much a turn-off... and I know many other women who feel the same.
 

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Oh what I wouldn't do to have an ENFJ be writing this about me. :) Dang, I'm so badly wanting to run into an ENFJ dude and have that magical chemistry that I wouldn't care if he proposed on the first date...kidding of course. But what I mean to say is that, if you all are really great together and have chemistry, I wouldn't be surprised if she has thought romantically towards you. It's often impossible to tell when an INFP is into you, so you just have to see how she responds as you hint towards it. :)

I personally don't need to be asked on a date until I'm actually in a relationship...it's by no means a precursor for me to be interested in someone. For me, friendship and just hanging out can create romantic interest. But also keep in mind that if you don't make direct advances, she may never know that you're interested because we're always second-guessing ourselves. So I would say to continue to make yourself available to her, be there for her emotionally, and try to bring it up slowly and wait for her response. :)
 

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I'm guessing it's probably hard to generalize or throw into some formulaic method, but do you have a sense of how long in each stage would make you most comfortable? I've been acquainted with her for over a year, and have really known her for about 10 months. We're somewhere at stage 3ish, though by "showing romantic interest" it's not explicit at all. It's a lot of very subtle things: frequently looking at one another only to find the other person already peering over, and holding eye contact; talking about romantic anecdotes from stories or movies; not necessarily spending alone time with each other, but always being in close proximity with each other even in large groups; etc. Does that sound like an expression of interest that a more timid, less expressive partner might use (not sure if all INFPs are like that)?
Yeh, I do agree with you. What I wrote was a mere generalised kind of pattern when I myself, and most of my girlie friends went through if I have to really think about it. In real life, it can happen any which way. Though for the serious people, they always do flirt very casually. I remember being in groups of friends and watch how people flirt, you can usually know that they would end up dating each other. So I think where you are at is good. If you feel comfortable to move forward, then just casually split off just the two of you during group outings to see how she interacts with you and so forth. Ask more personal questions and have more personal jokes. :) (Aww.. I just think this is SSSOOOOO sweet! lol. )


I'm terrible at this. I don't associate with other female friends in a flirtatious matter at all; in fact, I'm not really very flirtatious with the INFP either. But, I am always extremely open and animated in my interacting with people such that it may seem that I'm devoting a lot of energy towards people. I'll really have to work on this...

Oh boy.
Yes, I did not realise that ENFJ are like this, and so you guys are ! I also know that guys have written me off cos they think some people were competitions, and therefore just never came into contact with me or kept in touch at all. May as well be something that you have to think about for yourself.
 
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