Personality Cafe banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
ENTP 7w6 so/sp
Joined
·
3,003 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
http://personalitycafe.com/advice-center/79912-there-any-hope.html

Note: Look at the above thread for background information.
I've gotten a lot of great advice on this topic before and I am not really looking for
a) whether I should ask her out
or
b) how I should ask her out

I feel both of these topics have been covered sufficiently..

So there is this woman I really care about and like a lot, I feel we connect really well.


However, she has her own set of personality flaws which may make it impossible to connect with her on the romantic level I am hoping for (doesn't like being touched by anyone, can be very cold/uncaring). I have my own set of flaws (in particular, being very intense in the relationship realm..I care about her too much).

We've had our own fair share of conflicts but I feel that when things are good (which are more often than not), everything is just perfect.

When things are good, we basically spend almost all of our time together. We have been described as 'inseparable' by many people (including a professor).

The problem is that we only have one more semester together. We will be graduating this August. While I will be happy to have graduated, I fear that I will hardly see her ever again. I had a conversation about "life after graduation" with her recently and she said she thought it would be "unrealistic" for us to hang out often [~once a week~] because she had to "visit family" and "had other stuff to do". When I told her that I had those obligations too, she just responded, "You're different from me." She told me that we could just keep in touch via online..the problem is, and I'm sure anyone who has ever been attracted to someone knows this, communication which isn't face to face just isn't enough in that case...also keep in mind that she will really only engage me in online conversation if she's "not doing other stuff".

At first, I felt really bummed out because I know she has time to go to concerts with people she knows back home but I recognize that this is really only a once or twice a year thing..not every week. Hanging out with me almost sounds like it would be as rare of an occasion. I am not the friend she has known the longest but I feel comfortable saying that I am one of her closest friends. Also keep in mind, she is 26 and has hardly ever lived away from home except for three semesters in college and seems perfectly okay with that. I live at home too now but that's solely to save money and I like my family enough :p, I'm yearning to be independent once I have the money to do so..and there were are also those four awesome years in college where I wasn't with the 'rents :D

We will not be living too far from one another after graduation either..so that's not the problem. I don't think it's that she is opposed to hanging out with me since she does it on a regular basis now. I don't know what it is..except that thankfully this other stuff doesn't involve making out with another guy but it probably involves just doing stuff around the house and watching television.

We've had a fair share of ups and downs. Sometimes, she is warm towards me and sometimes, she is cold towards me..often without me doing anything. However, the only thing I can do to make things worse is if I come across as too "pushy" when she is in her cold mood..I've learned that it's not my fault she initially acts a certain way but it can be my fault if she chooses to keep acting a certain way around me. I've been trying to tone down that tendency in me but it gets really hard when she acts cold..

I was initially planning on waiting till after graduation to ask her out [mostly because it's going to be very very awkward in school, if things don't work out].

However, I was thinking of doing so the next time we really reach a high point (in which it is clear that she is very eager to spend time with me)..just ask her out sometime during the last semester, see what she says, and then deal with the potential blows if she says no and decides to stop being my friend altogether.

I was thinking about how awkward it would be if this happens but things are already kinda awkward for me to begin with..since I am into her and want her so bad. The only positive thing is that she has shown signs that she cares about me..to the extent that I have ever seen her show care about someone else.

I'm thinking of asking her out before graduation but was wondering how can I deal if things end poorly while we are in class together and possibly working on group projects together etc...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
785 Posts
Ask her out man worst case scenario things are weird as hell, in which case you will never see her again after graduation. I wouldn't worry too much about her not liking to be touched/her coldness. Both of these attributes have been spoken of me but I really warm up to the right person. I'm not sure how much she values you considering she doesn't want to continue contact after school. Either way I hope things work out for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,918 Posts
I've never been awkward after things should've been awkward; I rationalised it as "any reasonable person in my position should ask you out", no shame upon me. Then again this wasn't someone I hung out with as a 'best friend'.

The consequence of the 'best friend' relationship, I believe is that after your intention is out in the open, a refusal may force you to retract previously ambiguous behaviours that were acceptable - which undermines the current dynamic of the relationship. The trick is to not be ashamed to keep using those ambigious (or perhaps unambiguous) behaviours. The "awkwardness", in my mind, is pretending there isn't an elephant in the room. It's no shame to want to be with someone, and be friendly to them, it's more a question of can they handle it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: BroNerd

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,782 Posts
I guess I'm not really understanding - if you think she's basically not going to associate much with you after graduation, what have you got to lose?
 

·
Registered
ENTP 7w6 so/sp
Joined
·
3,003 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I guess I'm not really understanding - if you think she's basically not going to associate much with you after graduation, what have you got to lose?
As I think about it, what I have to lose seems silly..I was thinking that I would be losing all opportunity for us to ever be happily in love if she says no..that I could do everything I can to warm her heart through occasional communication and maybe she would start missing me after graduation but that is probably wishful thinking and an unlikely situation.

It would also feel that I wasted a year of my life if things were to end [guess I could call it a "learning experience" too like my past relationships]..but the question becomes, why waste any more of it if things aren't meant to be?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
544 Posts
Awkwardness is no excuse, not a good one at least. Embrace awkwardness and reach for your happiness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,782 Posts
As I think about it, what I have to lose seems silly..I was thinking that I would be losing all opportunity for us to ever be happily in love if she says no..that I could do everything I can to warm her heart through occasional communication and maybe she would start missing me after graduation but that is probably wishful thinking and an unlikely situation.

It would also feel that I wasted a year of my life if things were to end [guess I could call it a "learning experience" too like my past relationships]..but the question becomes, why waste any more of it if things aren't meant to be?
Exactly. I think this is a situation where you put it out on the table. You don't need to terrify her, but you basically say that she means a lot to you and you don't like the idea of your relationship with her crumbling away out of apathy because you both have graduated and are no longer seeing each other on campus.

I don't know what she'll say in response to this, but I do know two things- 1) if she's as good of a friend as you say she is, she won't humiliate you even if she doesn't share your interest in an intimate relationship, and 2) you'll always regret holding back in this situation because you'll always wonder "what if".

Don't terrify the poor girl, but make sure she knows how you feel and what you want. You're an NT so I'm sure you're going to come up with a nice game plan (which naturally will come apart at the seams inside of the first minute with her ;) ).
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top