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I can be soft but at times hard towards people in general.

However, I find that sometimes I tend to pamper my loved ones (a select few I hold dearest to my heart) too much. I do guide and advice them, but there are also times when I chose to overlook their flaws simply because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

At times, I can be selfish with them yes, but I feel that I always see the good in them before the bad, to an almost overly idealized irrational point.


How do I get better at it? I'm just scared that if I get tougher on them, they might get hurt instead. I don't know. I'm weird.
 

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Well, I'm afraid most people don't take kindly to having all their flaws thrown in their face. To me, tough love is allowing loved ones to deal with the consequences of their actions and decisions without coddling them or bailing them out.

If you notice a flaw, tell them how they could improve or do things differently rather than what they're doing wrong. Make suggestions. I think that will get you further, plus you might be a bit more comfortable with it.
 

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Well for me i just say it right to their face. I find one can not learn or work on a flaw, or even just acknowledge it without being made aware of it. So i tell them what i think about it, although as a notoriously opinionated person, people take my criticism lightly, since it is comming from all sides :)
 

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I can be soft but at times hard towards people in general.

However, I find that sometimes I tend to pamper my loved ones (a select few I hold dearest to my heart) too much. I do guide and advice them, but there are also times when I chose to overlook their flaws simply because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

At times, I can be selfish with them yes, but I feel that I always see the good in them before the bad, to an almost overly idealized irrational point.


How do I get better at it? I'm just scared that if I get tougher on them, they might get hurt instead. I don't know. I'm weird.
You're not weird, you're right in not dispensing "tough love". First of all, I don't believe there is such a thing. Secondly, it sounds like what you want to express is built up resentment. Perhaps you feel you've given far more than you've got, from these people. If you're angry with someone, you need to address it, but don't ask me the appropriate way to do so. I just know, that you don't do it my way. However, trust me, when I say, that if you go the route of expressing this resentment, under the guise of "tough love", you'll end up very lonely, very quickly. I, like my father, have had a terrible habit of decimating people, with it.
 

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One of my girlfriends made the sore mistake of throwing my insecurities at me.
The thing that got me was the fact that I've never hidden them.

"You have a wall" she says.
"...I'm aware", I replied.
"You need to let go" she says.
"...I'm aware", I replied.
She got frustrated and started yelling.

The wall exists for a fucking reason.
What she was doing wasn't "Tough love." What she was doing is as Big Bad Wolf says above: Doling out resentment.

Tough love means letting people make their mistakes. When they come to you and ask "Why", you tell them flat-out in stark reality: "Sorry to tell you this, but you done fucked up." I've had to do this with friends, friends' girlfriends, best friends and all of that. I'm not going to sugarcoat reality for them when they come to me, expecting warmth and "Awww, it'll be fine."
 

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I can be soft but at times hard towards people in general.

However, I find that sometimes I tend to pamper my loved ones (a select few I hold dearest to my heart) too much. I do guide and advice them, but there are also times when I chose to overlook their flaws simply because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

At times, I can be selfish with them yes, but I feel that I always see the good in them before the bad, to an almost overly idealized irrational point.


How do I get better at it? I'm just scared that if I get tougher on them, they might get hurt instead. I don't know. I'm weird.
Wow. Have a child. Any boundaries you are afraid to express or are "too soft" with it could lead to death. It makes you a stronger person over all.

As a teacher, I have to use tough love all the time. I can't always play "friends" with students or children. I need to challenge them. But the key is to always convey respect. It works much better.

You are just setting limitations. When you don't set your boundaries with friends or loved ones, you will eventually explode onto to them in an unhealthy aggressive manner. They don't deserve that. Maybe you should think of it more as "setting boundaries" rather than "tough love". You aren't really training your friends to be "better people". But you are training them how to treat you. Maybe you should think more of it as being "up front" with your desires and limits. This is another way of respecting your friends.
 

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I can be soft but at times hard towards people in general.

However, I find that sometimes I tend to pamper my loved ones (a select few I hold dearest to my heart) too much. I do guide and advice them, but there are also times when I chose to overlook their flaws simply because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

At times, I can be selfish with them yes, but I feel that I always see the good in them before the bad, to an almost overly idealized irrational point.


How do I get better at it? I'm just scared that if I get tougher on them, they might get hurt instead. I don't know. I'm weird.
You've got to break the egg to get the gold.

Ok, that was probably not a very charming analogy. :crazy:

But my point is, you can't worry about hurting people if you're trying to offer them constructive criticism to help solve a problem. And you can deliver criticism effectively without being an asshole about it.

See, I just did it to you right now. And since your reading this, you obviously didn't die of hearbreak. :p
 

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My husband (ESTJ) seems to believe in the tough love angle and all it does is cause resentment. If he thinks you need to do something (the "you" in this case meaning me and our children) and you balk for any reason, he'll take the situation into his own hands and make you do what he wants you to do. Because he's always right. He never asks WHY you don't want to do something his way, he seems to think it's just because you're too dense to know what's right. And that in the end, you'll see how wonderful he is for making you do the "right" thing. As a result, none of us wants to share our feelings with him. There's no point in arguing our own case, because he WILL win. And then he wonders why we don't want to talk.....:frustrating:
 
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