This isn't really a specific INFJ thread, but because I am INFJ I am interested in hearing if anyone has had similar experiences and what they have done to resolve their issues.
My 'issue' has always been lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. I almost want to say it's something in-built, because this is how I've been all my life - since I became conscious of myself! I can recall these thought patterns since I was like 6. I was highly stressed over the littlest of things, obsessed with neatness and dirt and some compulsions, and very uncomfortable with changes and lots of people. I was always stressing about everything - twice, I seriously thought I was going to die from two different diseases that I told no one about.
I'm now 20, and I really want to be responsible and trust in myself, "be normal", but I feel like I just can't break through these patterns now matter how hard I try. I have a hard time making friends, and when I try, I just want to slap myself cause I have a stupid role on that people then judge and think I am a retard (I kind of become a clown). I have a few, long-term, deep relationships with people I savour and that are very important to me. These people know the real me and love me for as I am, but still, they've got plenty more people in their lives too - I don't. I've always had a couple of friends and that's it.
I feel like I can't function socially. It's just bad. I used to be total recluse teenager, and now I feel like I want to go back - but having made some progress and knowing how happy connections make me - I can't. It's like forcing myself to get depressed, but I'm just too reluctant to break out from my comfort zone. I feel like an alien among people.
Needless to say, romantic relationships are very hard for me. My self-esteem streches into my appearance, and I can't help but thinking god, no one could ever like me. I am disgusting. Rationally I know what that means and where it leads to, but I just can't seem to help it.
It's like all my life I've waited for "the right moment" to blossom and live, to become who I want to be, and everything would be fine from there on. Now that I'm independent, live alone and all social contacts are up to me (my closest friends have moved to other countries), I've realized it's now. There's nothing but this. And I suck at this, I suck at this life thing. I can't hide away anymore, it's like my body isn't going to let me. But I am terrified, I am terrified of the world, I am terrified of rejections, I am tired. I am deteriorating in my mental health, I feel it, but I just want to sink. I want to get to the bottom, because it's familiar there, comfortable there. I am scared.
Even the most "normal" things cause me stress and anxiety. I feel like I'm socially so far behind my peers (in some ways) that I'm soon going to be that creepy reclusive cat-lady. There's one character I relate to, and that's Amelie from the movie. Never thought of it before, but yes. The thing is, it works for imagination, and I love getting escapistic and the farther away from reality I am... The more comfortable, but it's not life, it's hiding. I am just so lonely, but I can't manage to keep up contacts either. I am HATING myself for not letting these few nice wonderful people into my life (lately, I've had some people approach me with such tenacity and liking of me) because I ... I don't even know. All I do is talk to strangers and love these conversations and brief connections when they happen and I genuinely get satisfaction from giving to others but, it's like I have no one "close". I keep people away from me.
I just feel like sooner or later no one will bother with me either, and I just have to get up my arse and be willing to be vulnerable and trust in myself. But how do I gain that confidence? I've tried to fake myself to believe it, but the fear is always there.
It feels embarrassing to even admit this to myself. Has anyone ever felt anything close to this? And if yes, how have you gotten over it? How have you broken the pattern, and how have you managed?
This feels more like a rant... I think I am just scared of life. I don't know how common this is for INFJs, and as I see myself as fairly "unhealthy" (sometimes peaking healthy though, so I know how it can be) representative of the type.