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Hay INFJays! :)

Most of us tend to slip into self destructive ruts, in which we are incapable of progressing for long periods of time. Many of us emotionally detach themselves during this period and life just seems to pass by.

Hopefully you've found ways to get yourself back on your feet and become powerfully constructive again. Please share any advice/tips/tricks you have for other INFJs going through this. I'm sure everyone will appreciate it.
 

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I read this today. These practices and reminders help me a lot, A LOT.
"Tool 1 – Learning to Breathe, Day 3

Accepting what is so.
The mind always sees that there is a problem, that something is broken and needs fixing.That’s it’s nature, it’s the world’s best puzzle solver and it just loves to try and figure things out. What if we were to entertain the concept that there were no problems in our life right now. That there was nothing to figure out, understand, or change about us, our life, our circumstances, our job, etc. What if we were to “accept what is so” right now in this moment.
Exercise 1.0
In and out breathing and radical acceptance of what is so.

  • Exhale all the breath from your body.
  • Relax your stomach and let it pooch out.
  • Inhale slowly and deeply and repeat internally, “Innnnnnnn”, for the entire inhalation of your breath. As you exhale, repeat internally, “Ooouuut”, during the entire exhalation.
  • Relax your shoulders, neck and head.
  • Repeat several times, noticing your breath as it goes in and out. There is no need to control your breathing; just notice it and become acutely aware of it.
  • Notice the mind’s habit to see that there is a problem or problems and that there is something that needs to be fixed, ferreted out, removed, worked on, understood, etc.
  • While you are breathing allow this thought to enter: “There is no problem right now. There is nothing that needs fixing. All is well and I accept this moment as it is and I accept myself for who I am right now.”
What if you couldn’t change anything in your life right now and your only choice was to accept what is so about your body, job, relationship, geographic location, past, present, etc? Could you accept all this without the need to change a thing? Imagine this scenario and write down what comes up for you about this. You may experience a tremendous amount of resistance with this concept but keep working with it.
Accepting what is so is one of the first steps to a quiet mind."
 

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I got out of mine with a *lot* of advice from a friend, and then sat and meditated on it and used it to reshape myself. Many times I would feel fine one day and think I was over it then jump right back in the next. It's taking a lot of willpower to get through this, I don't even know if I'm out of it yet but I'm doing way better than before.

Realize how you carry yourself, how you start your day, what you tell yourself is the ultimate guide to how you will feel throughout the rest of that day. You may have to learn to let go of some of your desires; it sucks so much but in the end you will be happier. Sometimes these desires are unreachable and unrealistic due to perfectionist thoughts. My biggest motivator was a friend that showed that I mattered and that I deserved to be happy.
 

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I think what helps me is to identify my thinking patterns, realize what's working and what isn't, and adjust accordingly. A lot of the time, some shitty things will happen and then I'll get sad, and I'll listen to sad music all day to fully embrace my sadness. I realized this doesn't help anything. It just makes me more sad and more tired. So I stopped thinking along the lines of "when bad things happen, a magical force tells me I must be sad and I must comply", and changed it to "when bad things happen, I can choose how I deal with it".

It sounds simple but when you reassure yourself that you have a choice in the matter, you will feel a lot more free.
 

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Well my idea of self-destruction is denying myself certain things (Ex. going out with friends, meeting with someone, finishing a task) because I have projected my own image of myself and my limitations onto other people and the things that I need to accomplish. Really, self-destruction is a way of vilifying yourself and keeping yourself away from the things you once enjoyed because you feel undeserving or have not reached your own expectations. I believe that INFJ's can be deeply unrealistic with themselves and it is when this fact hits home that most of us become frustrated and take it out on the one person that can help us rearrange our current outlook: Ourselves.
1. You vs. Yourself: One way to deal with this self-destruction loop is to admit to oneself that "Yes, my expectations at this time are unrealistic perhaps because I'm taking on too many things at once or I'm not giving myself a real chance. I am not perfect, this is ok. Perfection is NOT my goal in life; living a fulfilled life is my goal in life, therefore perfection is not even called for! An earnest try, is." Allow the frustration to pass but do not harm yourself further; you being a villain for not reaching perfection is deeply unfair.
2. Step away from the details: When I get stumped on something, I tend to forget that this "something" that happens to be absorbing all of my focus and attention in the present is part of a bigger picture. Will this task really matter tomorrow? No. Isn't my peace of mind and all the other possibilities in my life worth more than just the fact that I can't properly factor a quadratic equation or figure out what's bugging my mate? Absolutely. Allow things to unfold before you judge them; after all, what's the sense of grabbing at the answers when you aren't even sure of the questions being asked? Let the whole picture form before you decide what it is you're seeing.
3. Reach Out, Gather More: When an answer isn't readily available, go out and gather more information/insight. Challenge yourself to reach out to a friend or a family member or simply go out for some fresh air. Enjoy the small wonders of life. The sunshine, your every intake of breath, the people bustling around. Gather information in the present and do not consciously think about the problem. Allow all the details to settle in; in the meantime, go for a walk, pick up a book, etc. Do something entirely relaxing for yourself.
4. Don't Scoff at Good Advice: On a human level, we all have a tendency to be stubborn; we resist change because we are most comfortable with our own routines and thought processes. But what if what you're used to doing extends to how you're used to treating yourself? Take the time to be critical of how critical you are being with yourself. As INFJ's, we tend to project upon others what we believe of ourselves. Similarly, we will attract what we project. Be conscious of when you're being too overly anxious about someone else's thoughts about you or when you're about to make an assumption that could very well trip you up in a personal relationship (Ex. Friend to friend, Romantic Relationship, Parent/Child,etc.) If you have any questions, ASK.
Learn to step out and away from yourself and vocalize what has been bothering you. You do not have to suffer in silence.
Most people have never experienced even a fraction of the self-criticism you have. It doesn't occur to them to be so hard on themselves. Take the time to take it easy, my friend.
5. Verbal Commitments: You are what you think; you do what you say. I don't care how many people say "You are what you eat." A diet is the least of your problems if you spend a majority of your time saying "I just can't do this," or "I doubt he/she even understands me; I should just give up." Your brain has no choice but to follow your thoughts and verbal commands. Before you even utter the typical "I'm surviving," or "I'm dealing with it," be sure to think about what kind of goal that sets for the day, a day that will not happen twice. You yourself will not happen twice. Therefore, enjoy every moment and enjoy yourself. Self-love is not a myth nor will you be likely to find it anyone's arms. It comes from within; it begins with a spoken word. Be conscious of what you say, because it reflects internally. Do not harm yourself by limiting your potential; besides, who are you to know what you're capable of? You will never find out if you don't try.
6. A Funny Little Thing Called Love: Learn to be a lover to yourself before you externalize your needs; you will only be chasing yourself. If you abandon the task of fortifying your Inner Self, of adhering to its needs then you will spend a lifetime searching and finding very little sustenance. All that we seek in Life of importance (Basic Needs, Belonging, Love, Career, Self-Actualization) can be found within you and begins with you.
7. Learn to Admit When You're Wrong: On top of self-criticism, we also have to deal with actually being wrong about our assumptions or the things we believe we see. This is ok; it is all a part of being human. Regardless of intention, we will most likely hurt others and go through all different modes of common behavior that upset us or others; this is unavoidable. Be responsible about your part in any relationship but do not attempt to take responsibility for the whole. In the same fashion, do not attempt to run another's life or care for them as if you were them; each of us have our own burdens to bear. It does not make you an inherently evil person if you must step away when a particular situation is not being conducive to your spiritual health. This does not automatically mean, don't challenge yourself. Go out and have fun from time to time! But remember that you will only ever carry half of the responsibility of any union; if the other person falters on theirs or refuses to take care of their share, it is time to walk away. They are not more important than you are and vice versa. However, self respect is a facet of self love and Self Love is everything.

These are just my views; do feel free ladies and gentlemen to add to this or invent your own steps. I just want to leave you with one last morsel of advice: Self-destruction is just what it sounds like-destruction of the self. Without your Self, however, how can you live?
 

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A positive totally outside-of-ones-own-head influence can go a some way, too :)



Many of my weaknesses are his strengths, many my strengths are his weaknesses. We cover each others blind spots, and since he just "does", it inspires me to just "do", too. That made a big difference for me.
 

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I'm used to play a very similar exercise with my thoughts when i sense that i am in a rut, and it usually helps.

If, however, the situation is so serious that both Meow's advice and Lady Nuture's advices about expectations (point 1 of her post) can offer only a partial help in overcoming it, and that logic has no power in persuading you to exit from your rut, then i'd suggest to try forgiving yourself.

I know it seems simplicistic, illogical and idiotical.I know that very well, because i had experienced it.
But try forgiving yourself helps you to settle with that part of you that is not really influenced by logic or reason.
 

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I'm used to play a very similar exercise with my thoughts when i sense that i am in a rut, and it usually helps.

If, however, the situation is so serious that both Meow's advice and Lady Nuture's advices about expectations (point 1 of her post) can offer only a partial help in overcoming it, and that logic has no power in persuading you to exit from your rut, then i'd suggest to try forgiving yourself.

I know it seems simplicistic, illogical and idiotical.I know that very well, because i had experienced it.
But try forgiving yourself helps you to settle with that part of you that is not really influenced by logic or reason.
Very insightful! That would be a supplement to understanding the thought processes that lead to unrealistic views; self forgiveness! I like it :)
 

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Pick one thing, something to do, to make a change, and do it. Then pick another. and another. and start picking new habits. And stick with it. Segment the problems into a list of achievable steps - and it can be solved to make your days better.
 
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