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Discussion Starter #1
he still has hope...
he didnt listen when i said it was over....
i tried to give him closure but he doesn't want it. he doesnt listen to me
i do not lead him on
i don't do breakup sex and stuff like that
especially not with this guy..........
i am just confused, sad and feel bad
i dont wanna wait for this to fix itself, i want something else.

he always had the problem of taking what i said and twisting it to have a meaning that better suited him
he was emotionally abusive at times but we made miraculous changes
he is not the same person. i cant love him ever again after what he said/did to me. i have been trying
but i do not love him anymore. i can't find it within myself
i dont take it personally anymore
but i cant be with the person who hurt me like that and twisted my words.
i see the gem that he is becoming, but i dont want to be with him
i feel sad when i think of the good times


but how do i get him to leave me alone?
what would you want to hear?
am i doing something wrong, missing the point?
 

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Personally, breaking up is not the worst part, but to see the other person disappear from my life is what I fear the most.
I try to stay in touch with my past partners in some way if they are okay with that. However, an abusive ex is not one I would recommend keeping any ties to.
I actually think indifference is your strongest weapon here. Try too hard to make him back off and he can use that, or see it as a challenge to get past. Indifference doesn't leave that much to work with, there is simply nothing there.
I know that's how I work at least, but then I usually can take a hint if my presence really is unwelcome.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
right. indifference is causing him to self-destruct... he's blaming me for quitting his job and stuff cuz i broke his heart. i should stop reading texts and listening to messages. i will always miss the beauty i saw in him, but it is not worth the shit he force-fed me.

i like to stay in touch too. i always have. i'm not jealous. but i know this guy wants me to be jealous. he says i have to cut him out because he can't cut me out... but i will just be indifferent. thanks, bro :)

i wanna meet cool ENFJs like you!! :) :)
 

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he still has hope...

i dont wanna wait for this to fix itself, i want something else.
I'm an ENFJ that went through the breakup of a 15 year relationship (10 married) recently. I guess technically I'm still going through it, as my divorce won't be final for another 2 weeks. However, I've definitely let my ex-wife go. Like your guy I was VERY hopeful for reconciliation at first. Your situation sounds mildly familiar, so I think I should be able to offer a pretty good insight into his thought process.

I'll give you a pretty solid answer, but I'm kind of emotionally drained right now (from other circumstances) and also I want to know something about what I quoted above. Do you only want something else, or do you already have something else? Part of my answer will be based on that.
 

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but how do i get him to leave me alone?
what would you want to hear?
am i doing something wrong, missing the point?
Restraining order, change your address/phone number....if that doesn't work you might need to orchestrate a plan to get them obsessing over someone else....this may require a considerable amount of $$$.

My dad's like this....won't take no for an answer and will continue to just get pissed off and bother everyone until he gets his way....or he finds something else to focus his energy on.

...and I'm not implying all ENFJ's are like this, you seem to be dealing with someone that is unhealthy.
 

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right. indifference is causing him to self-destruct... he's blaming me for quitting his job and stuff cuz i broke his heart. i should stop reading texts and listening to messages. i will always miss the beauty i saw in him, but it is not worth the shit he force-fed me.
i like to stay in touch too. i always have. i'm not jealous. but i know this guy wants me to be jealous. he says i have to cut him out because he can't cut me out... but i will just be indifferent. thanks, bro :)
Looking for someone else to blame for one's own problems seem to be human nature, sadly. Even more so if someone really listens. Just remember that you are not responsible for his decisions, he alone is.

I think you need to focus on yourself right now though. You clearly care alot about him and you need to handle your own grief about things not working out for the two of you.
Luck has it that there is alot of beauty in this world to find comfort in.:happy:

i wanna meet cool ENFJs like you!! :) :)
If you stick around here you are bound to meet far cooler ENFJ's than me! :wink:
 

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This has nothing to do with personality type. You are describing a control freak. Looks as if you were working with him to "change" never a good idea. The "gem" he is becoming could well be the act he was putting on to show you he was "changing." His behavior demonstrates otherwise. Remember that no matter what someone says to you when their acts are SCREAMING at you avoid the words.

After a breakup it is generally not wise to try to move into a friendship with someone that had strong feelings for you or you for them. Both parties need to have and end and time to recover which is difficult to do if you are still in contact.

I have dealt with this situation too many times. THe best advice I was given is if you c a person is like this and you want to get away, treat them in the way you would someone you really liked IF you had no filters for appropriate behavior. That is come on really strong, pursue them relentlessly, be jealous etc. Wish I had this info sooner because it seems to work. They will break it off with you and then mission accomplished. Hope that helps in the future.

For now when you start seeing this abuse/control stuff in any fashion I would urge you to run and not try to "help." There are counselors for that. If I were you I would let him no my intention of getting a restraining order if he doesnt stop harassing. Hang up every time he calls. Then if he doesnt stop I would get the order. If there is a chance he may be violent you may not want to warn him about the order and you should contact your local domestic violence shelter for guidance. THen you have it on record and they deal with people like this all the time and can further advise you. Hopefully once you threaten the order that will be the end of it.

Good luck!

Unfortunatly at my age there is a much higher proportion of crazies.
 

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restraining order should be last resort, it nullifies constitutional rights and shouldn't be used lightly unless you're being stalked or seriously worried about bodily harm. You may not think much of it because you've never had one against you, but here are some provisions of a HRO:


  • He or she will not be able to go to certain places or to do certain things.
  • He or she might have to move out of his or her home.
  • It may affect his or her ability to see his or her children.
  • He or she will generally not be able to own a gun. (And he or she will have to turn in or sell any guns they have now and not be able to buy a gun while the restraining order is in effect.)
  • It may affect his or her immigration status if he or she is trying to get a green card or a visa.

Most don't apply to everyone save the firearm clause. While this is supposed to protect the issuer of the HRO, I see no benefit. If the person really is crazy they'll do what they have to to take revenge or whatever, with or without their own gun. All I see as a gun owner is a breach of my constitutional rights, and a threat to my personal security. So like I said, make sure they reeeaaaaalllyyy are deserving of a HRO. Threaten him with it first, If he was too thick-headed to accept your dismissal, he sure will listen this time.
 

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I don't know what he will respond to. I know what I would respond to.

"I cannot be with you ever. I need for you to quit contacting me. You will find the right partner, but there are things about us both that make us inherently wrong for each other. A different partner will value the very things about you that make you wrong for me. But I won't. I'm only going to make you feel bad about yourself for being who you are. But there are others who will love you for those same traits. You deserve someone different who loves who you are."
 

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sounds like my ex who I did get a restraining order against, unfortunately until they "do something" you can't do much but I'm sure it depends on where you live. Regardless, you may have to tell him something like I told one crazy "you are a really good and wonderful person and it's not you, just I want/need something different, or we need different things." those seemed to be the magic words.
 

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I am on ENFJ going though a divorce right now. Actually when I first read this thread I thought it could have been her. Reading more I realized it wasn't.

I don't know if it's a personality type but I hold on to hope though she's said not to. The kind of hope has changed from since the whole thing has started. I had hope that she'd return in a matter of weeks and now it's hope she'll return in months or years. I know with me, the hope will be with me until it's not. Only the willingness to move forward and time are going to remedy that problem. All break ups suck. Regardless of personality type, I think.

I have to admit that reading your post has brought up some emotions for me. I feel sad because of the things I have done in my relationship that have pushed her away, so far that she can't love me anymore and that it was never ever my intention to do so. It was me. It was my inability to control my emotions. To even acknowledge that you could control your emotions. But change is possible. I am living proof. If one wants to, they can change the way that they deal with problems. Not who they are, but how they response to things in their life. I read that ENFJs are capable of unintentional manipulation. I believe that I was doing that and could still do it. I don't mean it. I just do it and it's always with the best intentions. It was also her that contributed. Her inability to communicate. Her refusal for forgiveness. Shit.. hi jack. Sorry.

I realize that as I write this post that it's not just about personality type but emotional maturity.
I also realize that I am writing this to her as much as I am replying to you.

I'm sorry to hear that you and your SO were not able to work things out. I wish you happiness, good health, to be free from danger and ease of life.

Be well


***EDIT***

I have to add, that when she told me that she wants something else in life and believes that moving forward is what's best for her, I will not longer contact her. I will let her be in peace. But that hope. That's not going to go away. Love gets in the way of that.
 
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