[TheFamousPencil]

I am an ENTP currently dating an ISFJ. We've been dating for over a year now and I think it just isn't working out as well as we both had hoped would happen. She is a very sensitive young woman and I know it will break her heart. I am unsure of how I can go about breaking up with her.

My fears if I break up with her are: her being upset will cause her to lose focus on her undergraduate schooling, she will drink herself into oblivion, and will hang out with these "new" friends who are not (in my opinion) very responsible people for her to associate with.

I am mostly concerned with her losing focus on school.

If there is any advice on how to delicately go about this, I would much appreciate it.

 

[ertertwert]

I had the same fears when I was dating an ISFJ. There is no way around it. You will break her heart and she will most likely drop out of school (mine did). But you still need to do what you feel is best. In my opinion, ISFJ's can be one of the most loving types. Although one of the most stubborn as well.

 

[Lav]

If I were you, I would just be honest with her.

 

[coustain]

If I were you, I would just be honest with her.

Agreed. If you are going to break up with an ISFJ, be gentle, but honest. We appreciate honesty, and will want to know the why so that we can possibly become aware of something we need to change. We can be clingy, and needy, which is probably the biggest reason people break up with us. And don't let them try to talk you into staying with them either, we will bargain and negotiate our way into security, even at our own peril.

 

[Introvertigo]

And don't let them try to talk you into staying with them either, we will bargain and negotiate our way into security, even at our own peril.

It's important that you give her an unambiguous message -- it's over, there's nothing to "work out." It would be a kindness not to give her false hope. Just make sure you communicate that there's nothing "wrong" with her, she's fine the way she is, and surely will find someone more compatible.

 

[OpaquePurity]

I second everything that everyone has said here so far. The unfortunate fact is that she will be hurt, especially since you two have been together for that long. So long as you are not a total jerk when you break up with her, her pain is her own.

 

[hello317]

Agreed to OpaquePurity. Don't be a total jerk. Otherwise she'll hate you forever. Be honest with her. But remember if you are TOO honest, it might hurt her.

 

[Lav]

Being a jerk is certainly not necessary (unless you want to risk her not wanting to talk to you ever again), but if you have some concrete criticisms of why the relationship has failed, then I would say that you make an effort and calmly and succinctly point them out, but only if you are prepared that she treats you to the same. But I suspect that she is an ISFP anyway, and in that case you'd probably be better off not saying anything, since ISFPs do not grow from criticism and they take it very painfully.

 

[hello317]

But I suspect that she is an ISFP anyway, and in that case you'd probably be better off not saying anything, since ISFPs do not grow from criticism and they take it very painfully.

Didn't OP say she's an ISFJ already? *scratching my head*

 

[Lav]

Yep, but how he described her made me think otherwise. Last letter mistype is common, especially for introverts.

 

[radiantdawn]

I don't want to spew bad advice, just an idea you might want to consider?

I know that if I actually HAD T_T someone, and he broke up with me, I'd be devastated. Of course, I have no exp sadly.

But anyways... keeping the devastation in mind... Maybe you should do this? :

1. Break up with her, but be very honest and kind and gentle. When you find the time to break up with her, make sure she herself is not busy with anything. Set a date (and plan beforehand so that both of you aren't busy at that time. Ask her if she has projects or essays or whatever. Make sure she isn't busy) where you will have HOURS to talk or comfort her, the time is a kind of safety net and hopefully can soften the blow.

2. Let her know you'll still be friends, because you both obviously had to have liked something about the other.

3. Spend a lot of time with her in the first few weeks after you break up with her, so she knows that though you broke up with her and you both aren't together anymore, you'll still be there for her as a very good friend.

 

[OpaquePurity]

I don't want to spew bad advice, just an idea you might want to consider?

I know that if I actually HAD T_T someone, and he broke up with me, I'd be devastated. Of course, I have no exp sadly.

But anyways... keeping the devastation in mind... Maybe you should do this? :

1. Break up with her, but be very honest and kind and gentle. When you find the time to break up with her, make sure she herself is not busy with anything. Set a date (and plan beforehand so that both of you aren't busy at that time. Ask her if she has projects or essays or whatever. Make sure she isn't busy) where you will have HOURS to talk or comfort her, the time is a kind of safety net and hopefully can soften the blow.

2. Let her know you'll still be friends, because you both obviously had to have liked something about the other.

3. Spend a lot of time with her in the first few weeks after you break up with her, so she knows that though you broke up with her and you both aren't together anymore, you'll still be there for her as a very good friend.

Actually, when I experienced the one painful breakup of my life thus far, my partner didn't speak to me for months afterwards, and I rather preferred it that way. Hanging around the ISFJ after you two have broken up will only cause false hope for a potential get-back-together. If you completely abandon her (and by that, I simply mean no contact whatsoever), it will force her to accept that the relationship is over and that she needs to move on. This may sound extremely harsh, but I think in the long run, she will be happier that way. I know I was, at least; it made things less confusing since I knew exactly where the boundary was drawn. Be kind to her when you break up with her, assure her that in the future a friendship may be possible (if that's what you want, of course), but let her know that for now, you need to be apart.

 

[AussieChick]

Yes the best thing is to be honest with her.Most of my boyfriends have just broken up with me without explanation.My last boyfriend who i was having an LDR with was honest and told me why.We are still friends,and i can understand why it wouldn't have worked for us.

 

[Miriamisfj]

My last break up was not clean, The only contact he had with me was a phone call a couple of weeks after we broke up, I saw him at a gathering and a friends birthday months later. I felt the same, It just was so very painful to see him again. And he didn't realise that because of our past I needed A LOT more personal space, and A lot more time. It took over a year for me to feel comfortable enough to talk to him again. We lived in the same suburb so I run into him more often than I would want. It is so much better now that he has a girlfriend as he no longer tries to tell me all the things he regrets about us.

When you make the decision Stick with it,
Tell the truth,
And give her as much space and time as she needs

 

[TheFamousPencil]

Yep, but how he described her made me think otherwise. Last letter mistype is common, especially for introverts.

She is definitely an ISFJ. No dispute necessary. She wants nothing to do with alone time. Which is why we are breaking up in the first place. She wants to be with me every moment that she is not busy and has time to hang out. She does not respect my need for time to myself and considers me not wanting to hang out with her as hurtful and offensive.

 

[Rowan]

TFP-have you tried discussing this with her? Sharing your wants and concerns regarding the relationship? Would you be willing to work on it if she was? Or have things 'just' run their course for you, and it is done?

I very much understand the need for alone time, but can understand how some might see that as hurtful as it potentially means hanging out with them less. However, maybe if the need for alone time was explained, that might make a difference?

I do not know the whole story so I apologise in advance if this is replaying thoughts/conversations you have already resolved, and are unwilling to go through again. Understood if you don't want to discuss it.

If you do decide to go through with the break-up, I agree with what many have already stated-give her space, leave her alone, let her heal on her own. Best wishes for you and her both.

 

[Lav]

She is definitely an ISFJ. No dispute necessary. She wants nothing to do with alone time. Which is why we are breaking up in the first place. She wants to be with me every moment that she is not busy and has time to hang out. She does not respect my need for time to myself and considers me not wanting to hang out with her as hurtful and offensive.

Okay. If you are determined to break up with her and there is no room for a discussion at this point, then simply do so, but she'd probably think that that is not enough reason to break up with someone (you probably think it is, and it probably is depending on the severity of the case; but she might think otherwise) and if she is very attached to you get prepared for a backlash; so you'd do well to think of something better. If you haven't completely decided yet, I would attempt to bargain first. Tell her to go out with her friends or something and have a life besides her partnership with you. I can feel for you since this would annoy me to no end as well :[.

 

[Fynest One]

Okay. If you are determined to break up with her and there is no room for a discussion at this point, then simply do so, but she'd probably think that that is not enough reason to break up with someone (you probably think it is, and it probably is depending on the severity of the case; but she might think otherwise) and if she is very attached to you get prepared for a backlash; so you'd do well to think of something better. If you haven't completely decided yet, I would attempt to bargain first. Tell her to go out with her friends or something and have a life besides her partnership with you. I can feel for you since this would annoy me to no end as well :[.

I know this is an old post but I was looking for some advice on a similar situation I'm currently in. My ENFJ boyfriend recently broke up with me. It was kind of out of the blue. He was upset with me but I didnt know he was that upset to the point of a break up. When it first happened, I immediately thought that I could never talk to him again if we couldn't be together. It was either we would be together or we couldn't be friends at all. As an ISFJ, it's best to not speak with someone at all after a break up. But you brought up an excellent solution. It's always best to try and "bargain" with us first before going through with the break up. We may be stubborn but if we feel that if there are certain things that will need to be changed before you decide to "walk", we will definitely be willing to change and correct the problem. We love hard and the thought of losing someone who is extremely important in our lives is worth the attempt to correct the problem than to be stuck in our stubborn ways. My break up was caused over a silly miscommunication and if he'd only told me what was bothering him for that whole month, neither one of us would have been miserable. We worked it out by the way.

 

[Shale]

You need to be honest. That's all. You have no control over what she does, and what she does is not your fault.

 

[RunForCover07]

Oops, I should have checked the date and the last reply.