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Hi everyone, I'm an INFP (9w8) married for 4 years to an ESTJ (2w1) – so our lives are never boring! I'm here to gather advice on how best to care for her when she's upset or in pain. Her default response is to completely shut out the rest of the world: the shutters come down, and she'll barely communicate at all. She's a doer, and cares a lot about jobs being done, so she'll spend the energy she has left channeled into doing those before she crashes to bed. My response when I see her suffering is to want to reach out, in any way I can – words, time, service, physical touch, gifts, whatever. Unfortunately, when she's in shutout mode I feel like I'm running into a brick wall, and I can't understand why she wants to keep me out too. What's the best way to show her she's loved and appreciated and cared for, without leaving myself open to rejection?
 

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Are you sure she is an estj? I would don't think it likely for them to behave this way. Anyways I think you should wait it out and let her process what she is going through. But en estj would know better.
 

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Ooh, nice/interesting pairing. ;) She may simply need that time alone - As even extroverts do. :) Other than that, I find they enjoy receiving practical help (to make things seem less overwhelming,) getting gifts (that they'll actually use and that will be of significance to them - As MBTI has them having auxiliary Si and inferior Fi). And something comfortable? Like a massage or a good meal at home with you (and the food they've probably liked the best for forever; probably something their grandma used to make them, lol - I'm kidding of course). ;) Good luck!

P.S. Support for what they already believe/have 'always' known to be true can't hurt. Especially when the world wants to deny them that.
When she 'snaps out of it' (sorry if that sounds insensitive), you could take her to someplace she enjoys.
 

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yeah, haha! are you sure she is ESTJ? I usually don't do that, upset or in pain. If I am upset at you, okay probably, but I'd talk to other people. The few close friends I have. If I am Ill. I spend a lot of time sleeping, or just working but I tend to except kindness, if I don't insist on doing it myself first. If a close person has a strong urge to help me, I'll let them.
 

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Hi everyone, I'm an INFP (9w8) married for 4 years to an ESTJ (2w1) – so our lives are never boring! I'm here to gather advice on how best to care for her when she's upset or in pain. Her default response is to completely shut out the rest of the world: the shutters come down, and she'll barely communicate at all. She's a doer, and cares a lot about jobs being done, so she'll spend the energy she has left channeled into doing those before she crashes to bed. My response when I see her suffering is to want to reach out, in any way I can – words, time, service, physical touch, gifts, whatever. Unfortunately, when she's in shutout mode I feel like I'm running into a brick wall, and I can't understand why she wants to keep me out too. What's the best way to show her she's loved and appreciated and cared for, without leaving myself open to rejection?
Every single test I've taken, I always get ESTJ but everything is almost at the middle except the F/T, and I shut down when I get overwhelmed or when I'm not fully understanding of what I'm actually feeling. Even when I'm stone walling, when my xNFP does something practical for me, I usually snap out of it then I want to go out and do something entertaining. Unless it's an emotional situation, then I just need my space until I'm able to figure things out, depending who's involved, what the issue is, and what my role was in it, it could take me a few hours to a few days to figure things out.
 

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maybe when she's in a better mood, try to be proactive about it. ask her (again, when she's in a better, more conducive mood for this) what she needs during phases like this, and what you can do for her the next time. let her know that it's very important to you that you be available for her when she needs you, and that you don't want to be shut out of her life. not sure how well this might be received while she's still in her depressive/ stressed/ upset mood, but i guess you could try to directly ask her then too. best of luck.
 

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People who do a lot and are independent simply need to be reminded once in a while that theyre doing a good job but rarely through words. Just see what's not been done and do it without saying you're doing it.
 

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I don’t know if this applies to your ESTJ but a lot of ESTJ/ENTJ types don’t like showing vulnerability of any kind. She’s probably withdrawing because she doesn’t want to show you that side of her since it is too emotional and something which she doesn’t like in herself. I’d say be patient :)
 

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I am an ESTJ I agree with post 2. Shutting herself away doesn't sound like an ESTJ. When I am hurting I try to pretend I am not or if I am ill I pretend that I am not except to the closest of friends then I complain a lot or something like that. ahahaha! or I try to get their take on it, like am I justified to be hurt?
 

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I would say to just be there for her. Make sure you're available and doing your best to be responsible and reliable. I'm sure she knows that if she wants to talk you're there for her, she just probably isn't ready to talk. ESTJ's generally aren't fans of showing vulnerability so she probably wants to shut down and avoid talking about it with you. Don't take it personally because I'm positive it has nothing to do with you. Best you can do is be there and be a supportive presence so if she does eventually want to talk she has you.
 
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