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It's interesting to think about how different I treated my last breakup. Generally I'm the heartbreaker or the one who initiates break ups and then moves on immediately and doesn't look back. However this one was very different. I'm sure it has to do with how extremely toxic and emotionally abusive it was. Suppose that's what happens when you are with someone for four years and they make you scared of them and 100% dependent on them. When he broke up with my my world fell apart.

Honestly? You just have to give it time. It's hard. My last relationship was very abusive and honestly now that I've had time away from him (at this point in time it's been four months) I am just realizing how bad it really was. I never noticed the red flags or if I did I ignored them. Now that I'm away from him I'm kind of appalled at what I excused and dealt with. My therapist said I had stockholm syndrome, and I agree.

I still think about my ex every day. Now, because of time, I do not cry over him (nearly) as much anymore. I am able to differentiate me 'missing him' to me missing having someone around. When I think about him it's more like traumatic flashbacks rather than me longing for him. It's a struggle.

However, I'm trying to live for me now, not for him. My advice would be to look outward. Go hang out with your friends more (especially if someone was like me and isolated yourself from everyone but your partner). Distract yourself at first. Let yourself calm down. Eventually when you are in a more stable place you can start dealing with your pain of your breakup. I learned if you try to deal with it too soon you just fall into a depressive cycle.

(this isnt directed at any specific member..this is more like just a ramble)
 

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i feel bad
it's a feeling like there's hope in a future land
once priorities change, stresses either die, change, or become incorporated through desensitization..
i hate thinking things are either good or bad, that you have to be together or not speak at all,
i wish we could be friendly to each other, in each other's lives, maybe without owing each other so much, without putting so much burden on each other's backs...

*Wouldn't that be nice by beach boys starts to play in background*
 

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A break up is harder to get over if you don't know the reasons someone broke up with you. I think we can agree it's easier to get over a break up you initiated, even if swallowing the idea of a failed lover, or a sunk cost emotional investment is hard.

[.......]
I think this is really important to mention. With my last SO, I forgave the wrongdoing done to me and I accepted her decision to leave me, as I loved her so much to respect what she needed right.
However, the way she didn't treat me well in the fallout process, and how she began sort of lying to me (on top of keeping everything in the dark surrounding her motives and reasons to break up with me) ... that really fucked me up for a at least a year back then. It's really hard to learn anything concrete from such an experience.
 

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How to deal with feeling guilty for breaking up with someone who is a good, caring individual?
Argh, that was my last breakup, and that's not easy.

You are not going to like my solution though:
The first part: Let the guilt is being, feel guilty, It's a shitty feeling that has its place and purpose, You've made a choice juggling between lesser evils and ended up hurting someone you cared about. At least you know you aren't a sociopath.
The second part: When you are ready - when you trust yourself to not go back on it - make yourself available to them, not going back or hanging out with them all the time, just open the line of communication, they'll have unresolved questions, be around to answer, and be willing to answer it from their perspective, even when it doesn't put you in the best of light.
 

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Anybody have any good break up and back together stories? Whether or not they worked out, looking for a good story here.
Good break up story here. I dated a girl for a few months, kind of against my awareness, but she is a nice girl. We have known each other and been friends for years, and she's been trying to flirt for years without me noticing. Issue is, I wasn't in love while she was. We got together without really talking about it when we met up. It lasted like 3 months max, the time I realized that I was staying with her because of both the sex and not wanting to lose the friendship. I broke up with her, told her that. She did seem like she would have a hard time with it, and in the end, she's been holding up much better than I would have in her situation. She's the one to have asked me to keep interacting with her, even in the beginning, just so she doesn't feel like I'm dropping her like a wet sock. Sounded like a bad idea but fine by me. Nearly instantly, we were back on friendly terms. I know she still has feelings, she knows I still don't. She's a little afraid of engaging conversations with me, like I'm intimidating or something, and if we do talk on a daily basis, and if on my end I don't bite, I don't give her ground for something more to develop either. I think that's the key to make it work in such a context (no resentment) : don't give ground for more to develop/keep developing, that's up to the person who doesn't feel for the other to do that, not the other way around.

Honestly, I don't know how she's holding up, if she is at all. But if she is she's not showing me where she's at. The result is we still talk and spend quality time on a daily basis. Everything went better than expected, from my point of view, and she knows she has to tell me if she suddenly can't sustain that anymore, and that if she can't and doesn't tell me, that's her issue. So we're good, and I prefer it like that.
 

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I feel like my ex is using all of the distractions mentioned here to forget about me. I literally begged him to at least stay friends with me (I hurt him pretty bad so he didn't want to talk to me at first) and eventually he agreed. So I was texting him a few times a week to check up on him, being as nice and supportive as possible because I know he's stressed with work and applications/entry exams for some grad schemes but he just talks to me as if I'm an acquaintance now. He always says he's busy and that he doesn't feel relaxed when he talks to me, but the last time we spoke he said he's sorry he's busy he'll message me on the weekend. So I decided to stop messaging him first to see if he notices that I'm giving him space but he hasn't messaged me. And I saw he's posted on instagram but he's on private so I can't see what he posted.

I just feel like he's moved on already and I'm waiting for a text or phonecall from him that's never actually going to come. I spend literally all day thinking about him, I can't even focus at university in classes because I'm just hoping he'll message me.

I don't know if he uses work/exams as an excuse to get rid of me or if he is genuinely busy and might speak to me when he's finished with all that stuff (by next month probably). But by then I just think he won't feel anything for me at all.

How can I stop myself from thinking about him so obsessively every day? It is really impacting my whole life, I was already severely depressed before the break up but I feel like this break up is one of the reasons why I'm focusing even less in university classes and it also seems to be ruining my relationship with my mother (Who I'm normally very close to and she relies on me a lot as she is quite lonely too and also suffers from depression amongst other issues). I just want to fall asleep in classes, I don't take anything in, then I go home and just want to sleep. I don't want to socialise or dress nice anymore. I don't know how to get past this. I have never taken a break up this badly before, I am always the one who picks themselves up again and within a week I've got my confidence back and started talking to someone new. But I was with him for 1 year and really saw a future with him, and it's been 2 months now and I'm just feeling worse each day and more scared that he's started to see someone new.

He is ENFP by the way and I'm ISFJ
 

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I feel like my ex is using all of the distractions mentioned here to forget about me. I literally begged him to at least stay friends with me (I hurt him pretty bad so he didn't want to talk to me at first) and eventually he agreed. So I was texting him a few times a week to check up on him, being as nice and supportive as possible because I know he's stressed with work and applications/entry exams for some grad schemes but he just talks to me as if I'm an acquaintance now. He always says he's busy and that he doesn't feel relaxed when he talks to me, but the last time we spoke he said he's sorry he's busy he'll message me on the weekend. So I decided to stop messaging him first to see if he notices that I'm giving him space but he hasn't messaged me. And I saw he's posted on instagram but he's on private so I can't see what he posted.

I just feel like he's moved on already and I'm waiting for a text or phonecall from him that's never actually going to come. I spend literally all day thinking about him, I can't even focus at university in classes because I'm just hoping he'll message me.

I don't know if he uses work/exams as an excuse to get rid of me or if he is genuinely busy and might speak to me when he's finished with all that stuff (by next month probably). But by then I just think he won't feel anything for me at all.

How can I stop myself from thinking about him so obsessively every day? It is really impacting my whole life, I was already severely depressed before the break up but I feel like this break up is one of the reasons why I'm focusing even less in university classes and it also seems to be ruining my relationship with my mother (Who I'm normally very close to and she relies on me a lot as she is quite lonely too and also suffers from depression amongst other issues). I just want to fall asleep in classes, I don't take anything in, then I go home and just want to sleep. I don't want to socialise or dress nice anymore. I don't know how to get past this. I have never taken a break up this badly before, I am always the one who picks themselves up again and within a week I've got my confidence back and started talking to someone new. But I was with him for 1 year and really saw a future with him, and it's been 2 months now and I'm just feeling worse each day and more scared that he's started to see someone new.

He is ENFP by the way and I'm ISFJ
Repeat in your head, as many times as you need to : "I've hurt him". Let that sink in.

From there, he doesn't owe you a reason to not want to talk to you. Maybe he's moved on, maybe he didn't. You don't know, and it's not your business. By the way, when he will have moved on, he won't want to talk to you, at all. You should move on, too, go hang out with your friends. Do what you need to to get better, and reflect on your mistakes, on what you've done to hurt him.
 

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This is going to hurt. It doesn't matter what the cause was, what matters is that the closeness and depth is gone and you are grieving that loss. I would say something profound if there was something to say, but there isn't. I will offer a tiny morsel of what is getting me through it. Just "do" things. Keep doing things in short bursts whether it's a minute or five or more. When you get distracted and the thoughts fill you recognize them as sorrow sadness and grief. Do allow yourself to grieve the loss instead of hope for a change or a miracle. I'm not saying that won't happen, but it will eventually reveal itself and there won't be too much you can do proactively except respect and know that your ex heard what you said. One more thing. Your mother. You have to know that our pain tends to effect the relationships that are the most solid, and shakes them to the core. You can express that you are in pain outloud, that this is serving as a release, to weather the storm of emotions causing the stress with your mom. Usually people we love see us through these shitstorms of life and are actually are our shelter. They can't fix it, they can just be there. So sorry and sad for what you are feeling. I know it all too well.
 

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don't stifle yourself. if you bury the pain instead of feeling it then it'll come forth in uglier ways down the line. those unresolved feelings will carry over into your next relationship and the cycle will repeat itself indefinitely. try to strike a balance between realizing that it's over and you've gotta move on while acknowledging that it happened and you've gotta deal with it.

replacing the old with the new helps. if you surround yourself with things that remind you of your ex then your brain will make subconscious associations that are akin to rubbing salt in a wound. distance yourself til you've dealt with the crux of your (conflicted) emotions. but don't rid yourself of them completely (unless it was a particularly bad break-up) because those were once treasured memories to you.
 

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Well, I figured you never really get over a break-up, you just get used to it.
Then you look forward to other things.

The key problem that we have excess spare time after a breakup. So find something you can do at that time as Setrleua suggests health or if your like me go bird-watching or something. Maybe learn a new song.
 

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Repeat in your head, as many times as you need to : "I've hurt him". Let that sink in.

From there, he doesn't owe you a reason to not want to talk to you. Maybe he's moved on, maybe he didn't. You don't know, and it's not your business. By the way, when he will have moved on, he won't want to talk to you, at all. You should move on, too, go hang out with your friends. Do what you need to to get better, and reflect on your mistakes, on what you've done to hurt him.
I agree, with Lonewaer here.

General rule: First step is acceptance, Second step dissociation.

This is going to sound pretty harsh but I will be straight to the point.

However the second step depends as it appears you @princess0 don't know what you want really.

I know it sounds harsh, I've been on the receiving end of similar treatment of being burnt pretty badly / being subconsciously being treated like crap because she doesn't know what she wants. After the last song and dance routine, I drew a line and have not even talked to her since.

If he wants to talk to you then he will talk to you after that pain he will, otherwise don't dwell on it to much.

I know the latter is easier said then done, right now I imagine you are in a "if / what-if -loop"

People will make time for people they want to talk to - that is a given.

In the meantime keep yourself occupied and I know I've said this many times to others -> Pick up a sport.

The reason I say that, it helps channel your energy outside as opposed inwards.

However if you are in such a conundrum and want him back, talk to him and see if you can mend bridges then again it is entirely up to you what you decide to do.
 
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