[immortalhaldir]

My mother is an ENFJ. She and my dad are going through a rocky time in their marriage, but they're seeing a counselor to work through things. The problem is that they are opposites, she is very extraverted and he is very introverted. They also have different values. As I am grown and away from home when I go back to visit I notice the tense atmosphere and try to help mediate when I can. I also allow both of them to vent with me so I see both sides.

As a strong introvert I naturally see where my dad is coming from and try to logically explain it to my mother. I'm realizing that this is probably not helpful right now and I would like to find a more effective way to support her.

So, if for example, They are arguing about getting french doors for the house. This is something she's wanted for a while, but as they have several financial commitments at the moment my dad doesn't think that they should get them because it would dig into the safety fund that they have set up.

I want to encourage my mom while I'm there, but i really agree with my dad. Knowing that it's their decision and I'm just trying to support her and fill a need that I see she has: What can I say to my mom to make her feel listened to and appreciated?

If you personally were in her place what would you like to hear to feel like your opinions were heard and that you were understood?

 

[PeaceOfMind]

First of all, I like how you composed the question. Direct and straight to the point and inviting us to put ourselves in the shoes of another person.

I think if I was your mom, I would like to hear some acknowledgement of the points I have raised about why I wanted the french doors and why it's important to me. I would not feel heard if the first thing I hear is "That's just a door and it's so expensive, why do you want it?"

If this is something your mom wants for a while, she might have a plan on how to deal with the cost. If she does have a plan, talk to her on how doable her plan is, how much effort or time it would take to regain the costs, etc. If she doesn't have a plan on how to address the financial impact of getting the doors, then ask, "but then this can eat into our safety fund. what can we do about it?" Take note that the language is a 'we', and so you're communicating that the problem is to be solved together. This gives her responsibility, and at the same time, makes her feel she's not being blamed.