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Discussion Starter #1
Hi people,
as per the title I’m having a hard time with my 9w1 boyfriend (I typed him, but I’m 99% sure it’s the right fit).
We’ve been in a relationship for more than 4 years but I still don’t really know how to deal with his depressive states because he just. Won’t. Speak!
I am a 4w3 and therefore believe everything can be solved by just talking with an open heart and dissecting you inner demons... which he obviously isn’t very on board with.

But, to get to heart of it. He’s been unemployed for the last six months and he has absolute no idea which direction his life should take now, since he doesn’t even know what job he’d want. He’s stressed out thinking of the (uncertain) future and bored to death from staying home with little to no stimulation. This quarantine is obviously making things worse and he always feels (his words) apathetic and devoid of any stimuli.

A few days ago I felt something was off - I cried quietly while videochatting, because I miss him and I’m, well, a 4, and he never asked me how I was afterwards.
It might have been silly to hang onto it (he knew why I was crying, he probably also knew it was gonna pass fairly quickly), but it just felt like he didn’t care. And I know he does.
So I barged in, asked if he missed me. He said he did sometimes, but often not cause he’s apathetic.
Long story short, I made it about me more than it really was (I am an idiot) and got super upset, and pushed him more for answers. Turns out he’s not sure he loves me, he says, ‘cause my complaints are too heavy on him right now (which I won’t know unless he tells me...) and he cannot give me what I need.
Only reason we didn’t break up is because I begged him not to unless he wasn’t 100% that was what he wanted. And he said he wasn’t, so we’re taking things slow right now until we can meet.

It’s been a few days now and things are weirdly normal. I can tell that he still cares deeply (we chat fairly regularly), but he’s a mess right now. Possibly clinically depressed, but he refuses to see a psychologist, so there no way of knowing.

What should I do?
I’m trying to give him space, keeping things light when we talk and keeping my emotions in check (aka not letting him know when I’m upset). I’m not sure he’s buying the relaxed act, but I imagine he needs it too much to complain.
I miss him more than before though. I want to talk to him every minute, and it hurts to restrain myself. Am I doing the right thing or is this useless?
It feels like I’m walking on eggshells. If he was like me I’d be bombarding him with messages to remind I love him and I’m here for him, but being so different from me I feel like he’d take it as an intrusion right now.

How would you 9s like to be treated in a similar situation?

Thank you for any input and sorry fo the long post :heart:

TL;DR: boyfriend’s depressive, apathetic 9w1 atm. He’s not sure about his feeling anymore because of the apathy, but I can see he does care deeply still. Should I leave him space or is there something I can say or do that can help him and this situation?
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