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How do you deal with your loneliness and how extreme is it?
Probably a stupid thread so feel free to ignore if it is.
Probably a stupid thread so feel free to ignore if it is.
How to deal with extreme loneliness?
[INFJ]
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Sometimes when I feel lonely I reach out to other people feeling lonely too. It can be killing two birds with one stone. Or I try to get out of the environment I'm currently in. When I'm in my room too long it seriously becomes a black hole of melancholy and I just need to GET OUT. Like today I went to the mall by myself for that very reason and I'm glad I did. Writing helps me too.
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Is this loneliness typical for INFJs? I thought yaul liked being alone. Or, is the loneliness not necessarily something ALL deal with but just some who feel they cant brake the ice and develop some important social connections. (when I say all I mean mostly all with some exceptions)
But Ill answer your question however I am INTJ. I find intelligent people that enjoy deep and complex conversations. I work on things that need improving. I study things Id like to understand, I get immense pleasure from understanding something complex fully and deeply. Im addicted to that ahah moment.
I also have a dog. I get over the loneliness of our shared Ni by being determined to give life 100% despite loneliness or anything else that might get in the way.
If I were to give advice to an INFJ on how to deal with loneliness I would probably tell them to find positive people that love to laugh and have fun, and be around them. Maybe try volunteering or thinking about someone in need and helping them. This really helps. I would also say, let your guard down and trust other people. Because its really not trusting yourself when you are so guarded. You have to trust that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it. Handle the letdown of someone you've allowed to become close. INFJs I know have some of the strongest characters I know. There's really no reason to be so guarded. People let other people down, and thats life. Just know that you are strong and possess an amazing amount of love. Thats really all you need. No reason to sell yourself short.
But Ill answer your question however I am INTJ. I find intelligent people that enjoy deep and complex conversations. I work on things that need improving. I study things Id like to understand, I get immense pleasure from understanding something complex fully and deeply. Im addicted to that ahah moment.
I also have a dog. I get over the loneliness of our shared Ni by being determined to give life 100% despite loneliness or anything else that might get in the way.If I were to give advice to an INFJ on how to deal with loneliness I would probably tell them to find positive people that love to laugh and have fun, and be around them. Maybe try volunteering or thinking about someone in need and helping them. This really helps. I would also say, let your guard down and trust other people. Because its really not trusting yourself when you are so guarded. You have to trust that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it. Handle the letdown of someone you've allowed to become close. INFJs I know have some of the strongest characters I know. There's really no reason to be so guarded. People let other people down, and thats life. Just know that you are strong and possess an amazing amount of love. Thats really all you need. No reason to sell yourself short.
The least stupid thread I've seen, ever.
@bubbleboy wish I knew you, I'd have gone with you.
I think people need a witness. Need someone to see, hear, touch them. I agree with Jung in his thought: "The sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being."
To me, loneliness can be the perception of no candle. It is a leitmotif in my life.
How extreme has it been for me? "I don't want to be lonely, but I AM lonely" erodes after a while. That thought is hard to maintain for long. Thus it becomes "I deserve lonely" all too easy. What that does, did, and may do for me, is to stop conflict in the easiest way possible: by succumbing to the negativity. If I deserve it, then I am flowing not as a rock that parts the stream, but as the river uninterrupted. In not wanting lonely, but being lonely, I create tension - thus this relieves it. This is a perspective that a more mature introspect may be able to solve gloriously.
All my talent seems to be the product of the loneliness. I write, as bubbleboy does. I also draw, paint, and compose music. The irony is that these things are meant to be gifts, to be enjoyed by others. Something is off with lonely, it shouldn't need to be there. I suppose that in living within your questions, you find maturity. This one is definitely my biggest.
@bubbleboy wish I knew you, I'd have gone with you.
I think people need a witness. Need someone to see, hear, touch them. I agree with Jung in his thought: "The sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being."
To me, loneliness can be the perception of no candle. It is a leitmotif in my life.
How extreme has it been for me? "I don't want to be lonely, but I AM lonely" erodes after a while. That thought is hard to maintain for long. Thus it becomes "I deserve lonely" all too easy. What that does, did, and may do for me, is to stop conflict in the easiest way possible: by succumbing to the negativity. If I deserve it, then I am flowing not as a rock that parts the stream, but as the river uninterrupted. In not wanting lonely, but being lonely, I create tension - thus this relieves it. This is a perspective that a more mature introspect may be able to solve gloriously.
All my talent seems to be the product of the loneliness. I write, as bubbleboy does. I also draw, paint, and compose music. The irony is that these things are meant to be gifts, to be enjoyed by others. Something is off with lonely, it shouldn't need to be there. I suppose that in living within your questions, you find maturity. This one is definitely my biggest.
@INF Jay, I can definitely relate to the "I deserve this" mentality. In more than just loneliness too. I do have a hard time understanding my intentions, but I partially think it is self pity and wanting to stay in the negative. My struggle is not only to get past this way of thinking, but to want to actually get better. As an INTP, being in thought is a very good way to put me in a better mood. I love to come up with ideas and analyze them. Obviously though the best cure for loneliness is to be with people.
@INeverJustThink
Its all a balancing act with alone time. Easy to fall. Its like saying because I love sleep, I won't get out of bed. I need people communion time, dearly. Because people that don't get out of bed usually have a fever.
The answers are always so easy it seems. Your answer is wonderful -- wonderfully simple yet so easily hard to actualize, but we make it so.
Trust is a tough one though, it really is. I mean, it is easy to tell yourself that you will never take anything personally, but damn, do the words and actions of others sting. Letdown is one of the greatest lessons there is. Locks you up before it frees you.
Anyways, I am ridiculously tired, but those are my initial thoughts on what you've written. You seem like a completely awesome person.
Its all a balancing act with alone time. Easy to fall. Its like saying because I love sleep, I won't get out of bed. I need people communion time, dearly. Because people that don't get out of bed usually have a fever.
The answers are always so easy it seems. Your answer is wonderful -- wonderfully simple yet so easily hard to actualize, but we make it so.
Trust is a tough one though, it really is. I mean, it is easy to tell yourself that you will never take anything personally, but damn, do the words and actions of others sting. Letdown is one of the greatest lessons there is. Locks you up before it frees you.
Anyways, I am ridiculously tired, but those are my initial thoughts on what you've written. You seem like a completely awesome person.
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@INeverJustThink I'm not sure about other INFJs but I thought I was immune to loneliness. I can spend months after months without interacting with someone in a deeper level (deeper than acquaintanceship-like interaction) but I do get severely lonely. Reaching out to others doesn't seem like an option because I'm socially not skilled enough.
I'm fairly minimal in terms of my desire for interaction. However, I find that online socialization (gaming, forums, chatting & similar) generally keep me satisfied.
In terms of your specific case, it depends on whether you have any sort of inhibitions towards social interaction in the real world. For example, there are a lot of shy people or those who aren't particularly charismatic that really struggle interacting with others. Alternatively, there are other people who are great at it, but never seem to get enough. Then again, either group there can be people who almost need some sort of attention 24/7 (or wish they could have it).
The devil is in the details.
In any case, for most people I would recommend perhaps calling up your local Help Line whenever you feel the need and just share what's going on with your day or your life. I volunteer at one and while we do have a broad range of cases (suicide, mental disorders etc), we do have people that call in to simply chat almost like a friend would. For me, this tends to give me a moment to kind of sit back and relax without having my antenna in the air trying to avert a crisis. Surprisingly, those calls can be quite common.
A similar venture could be online, perhaps finding other souls struggling with the same thing. Alternatively, you can probably seek out a counsellor-esque person willing to hear you out. Kind Voice: When you need someone to talk to, we're here. is pretty cool concept I've considered offering an ear too, but you can also ask for someone to chat with on there too.
In general though, I think you can really find your stride if you find some sort of routine towards interacting with people. Keep yourself in a place where you have something to look forward to instead of being in limbo whether so and so will call/text/chat/say hello.
In terms of your specific case, it depends on whether you have any sort of inhibitions towards social interaction in the real world. For example, there are a lot of shy people or those who aren't particularly charismatic that really struggle interacting with others. Alternatively, there are other people who are great at it, but never seem to get enough. Then again, either group there can be people who almost need some sort of attention 24/7 (or wish they could have it).
The devil is in the details.
In any case, for most people I would recommend perhaps calling up your local Help Line whenever you feel the need and just share what's going on with your day or your life. I volunteer at one and while we do have a broad range of cases (suicide, mental disorders etc), we do have people that call in to simply chat almost like a friend would. For me, this tends to give me a moment to kind of sit back and relax without having my antenna in the air trying to avert a crisis. Surprisingly, those calls can be quite common.
A similar venture could be online, perhaps finding other souls struggling with the same thing. Alternatively, you can probably seek out a counsellor-esque person willing to hear you out. Kind Voice: When you need someone to talk to, we're here. is pretty cool concept I've considered offering an ear too, but you can also ask for someone to chat with on there too.
In general though, I think you can really find your stride if you find some sort of routine towards interacting with people. Keep yourself in a place where you have something to look forward to instead of being in limbo whether so and so will call/text/chat/say hello.
Hmmm. For me when I hit rock bottom of loneliness... sitting out in nature helps. I never feel lonely when I'm with other things that are alive that aren't human. I think it might be due to feeling a part of the world that way and also being able to focus on something else, and watching and learning about something else's experience of life somehow makes me feel more connected to them. So I might sit and watch the behaviour of a bird or pay attention to the way the wind works through the tree to make different sound and light patterns.
Sometimes at the real rock bottom of loneliness I get to like the deepest parts of my insides (or something... I don't know what it really is) and there is a me in there to talk to and get perspective from. I mean that me is not trying to give me perspective, it just kind of does because it's there and it's like the emptiness is actually a chance to be with something you usually don't see or realise is there. It's like at the bottom of nothing there is you. And it's a plain, simple you that you get to meet as your seeking, suffering self.
@INeverJustThink I really liked your advice to INFJs, thank you.
There are different kinds of loneliness. There is the loneliness of not having peers you relate to to have fun with and be in nice cosy mindspace with, and there is the really deep world-woe "I will always be lonely" loneliness. (There are probably other lonelinesses too, but those two are the ones I tend to experience.) I'm not sure if the latter is simply an acute awareness of the condition of life - I remember getting bummed out when I was a teenager about how people are always kind of shut in on themselves, that you can never really truly be with someone or feel what they feel. You can get close but we are all separate and it has to be that way. I have some kind of deep longing for harmony and togetherness.
If it's the first type of loneliness, the only thing that deals with it in a lasting way is to find likeminded people. But for immediate relief watching something new/inspiring/fascinating usually helps fill that need for some kind of connection or mind/emotion-touch. I know TV gets a lot of flak but there have been times when I've felt pretty low late at night when it's turned me right around by presenting me with inspiring views of other ways or types of minds or possibilties or knowledge - like through documentaries on origami, Fellini or some isolated, untouched corner of the world.
Sometimes at the real rock bottom of loneliness I get to like the deepest parts of my insides (or something... I don't know what it really is) and there is a me in there to talk to and get perspective from. I mean that me is not trying to give me perspective, it just kind of does because it's there and it's like the emptiness is actually a chance to be with something you usually don't see or realise is there. It's like at the bottom of nothing there is you. And it's a plain, simple you that you get to meet as your seeking, suffering self.
@INeverJustThink I really liked your advice to INFJs, thank you.
There are different kinds of loneliness. There is the loneliness of not having peers you relate to to have fun with and be in nice cosy mindspace with, and there is the really deep world-woe "I will always be lonely" loneliness. (There are probably other lonelinesses too, but those two are the ones I tend to experience.) I'm not sure if the latter is simply an acute awareness of the condition of life - I remember getting bummed out when I was a teenager about how people are always kind of shut in on themselves, that you can never really truly be with someone or feel what they feel. You can get close but we are all separate and it has to be that way. I have some kind of deep longing for harmony and togetherness.
If it's the first type of loneliness, the only thing that deals with it in a lasting way is to find likeminded people. But for immediate relief watching something new/inspiring/fascinating usually helps fill that need for some kind of connection or mind/emotion-touch. I know TV gets a lot of flak but there have been times when I've felt pretty low late at night when it's turned me right around by presenting me with inspiring views of other ways or types of minds or possibilties or knowledge - like through documentaries on origami, Fellini or some isolated, untouched corner of the world.
I find it best to reach out to other INFs. In my experience, they understand and relate to loneliness on the same level. I don’t think just simply being around people in general is a cure. If anything being around people who don’t understand can make you feel even more lonely and isolated!
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I loved your quote from Jung, "The sole purpose of human existence is to kindle the light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." When I read that my Ni sparkled in anticipation of a deeper understanding.
When we feel hopelessly lonely we feel as if we have lost our meaning. To say that we deserve lonely then, is a little bit like saying we do not deserve meaning. This thought is a little troubling. But I don't think you meant it like this.
Sleep is a great example here. We can say we deserve sleep, however, it would be hard to say anyone deserves to be bedridden. We may love being alone at times, but no one loves a deep feeling of loneliness. Just as being bedridden can be a product of a chronic pattern of too much sleep. Loneliness can be the result of spending too much time alone.
If good advice to someone bed ridden would be to get out of bed and move around (even though its hard at first), then my advice to someone struggling with intense loneliness would be to start interacting with positive people (even though it seems extremely difficult). Meaningful relationships take time to build. In order to obtain the joy of more meaningful ones, we must start by being content with engaging in less meaningful interactions with the understanding that we are building something that takes time. This starts with trust. Very much like the bedridden patient trusting that getting out of bed and wearing him/herself out will eventually help regain strength.
I hope that I can quote a scripture without being perceived as evangelizing or being inconsiderate to those of a different faith, but I do think that St. Paul was getting at something big when he said, "These three things remain: faith, hope, and love." A more accurate translation would be trust, hope, and love. We must take that first step to trust others and let them into our lives and we cannot do this in any meaningful way without first trusting ourselves and our ability to overcome the short term let downs. Hope is taking the long term view. It comes from understanding the complexities of a situation and the knowledge that it will work out in the long run. Building meaningful relationships is a Marathon, not a sprint. And obviously love, the greatest gift of all which gives us our true meaning and a desire to help others and be their candle. The INFJs I know do not lack this last one. Your intense compassion and love is your greatest ally here.
I suspect that the feeling of being hopelessly lonely for some INFJs comes a lot from a tendency to recreate past environments in an effort to trigger the same type of Ni activity that led to their meaningful revelation. I've noticed a lot of INFJs stressing themselves out trying to relive the past when your natural tendency should be future oriented. Yes, we can draw meaning from our past. I understand that it seems more meaningful and easier to go back than to take the time, effort, and discomfort in building new meaningful connections. However I encourage those who are lonely to use your great capacity to love and desire to help others to your advantage to inspire you to get out of your shell. ;-)
Thanks bengelcat. I liked your comments as well, I would have tried to share my thoughts on different types of loneliness but, I prolly wrote too much already.
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Lonely created me, nurtured me, and I will die alone.
I need loneliness.
That said, I have always had a few friends I could thoroughly enjoy. I can even engage total strangers in conversation. But the most memorable moments I have were alone, just me and my God. In olden times, a monk in a cell knew and embraced lonely.
I need loneliness.
That said, I have always had a few friends I could thoroughly enjoy. I can even engage total strangers in conversation. But the most memorable moments I have were alone, just me and my God. In olden times, a monk in a cell knew and embraced lonely.
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Loneliness is different from wanting to be alone. I like to be alone but I don't want to be lonely either. I think loneliness has to do with the lack of deep connection and physical contact with people because we're not made for that. I believe we're wired to want physical touch as a basic need (as typical as it may sound) but we seem to have lost that need for physical touch because of our hi-tech, media socialized world. It doesn't mean that we want to be touch by strangers or touch strangers (non-sexual), but I would often hang out with friends and socialize with them, give them hugs and do things with them. I don't feel lonely as usual. At the same time, I'll be careful with idea that socializing can "cure" loneliness. I think our loneliness is beyond bio-chemical (physical realm) and is more of a soul/spiritual thing.
I'm one of those people where I love to laugh and have fun. I'm definitely defined as "crazy" and "trouble" at work (for someone who works with mostly older people) but I still have my moments of feeling lonely. I think the hard part would be trusting people and I'm not sure why either.If I were to give advice to an INFJ on how to deal with loneliness I would probably tell them to find positive people that love to laugh and have fun, and be around them. Maybe try volunteering or thinking about someone in need and helping them. This really helps. I would also say, let your guard down and trust other people. Because its really not trusting yourself when you are so guarded. You have to trust that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it. Handle the letdown of someone you've allowed to become close. INFJs I know have some of the strongest characters I know. There's really no reason to be so guarded. People let other people down, and thats life. Just know that you are strong and possess an amazing amount of love. Thats really all you need. No reason to sell yourself short.
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Get out the house.
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Im glad you love to laugh and have fun. Was there something I said that made you think that I thought INFJs didn't? Does suggesting to someone who is lonely to try and be around positive people suggest that the lonely person isn't positive and loves to do the same?I wasn't trying to imply that INFJs can't be positive people. Regardless of how positive the INFJ dealing with loneliness is, I still think it helps to find other positive people.
I also didn't say socializing "cured" loneliness.
I also spoke about the difference between loneliness and wanting to be alone in a later post. Thanks for your thoughts but its frustrating when people respond to points I didn't make as if I made them and assume negative implications that aren't there.
However it is fair to disagree with my suggestions by saying something like: I don't think being around positive people will help loneliness. Or Helping others doesn't help. Or I don't think anyone needs to trust others in order to obtain a satisfying meaningful relationship that may help them not be as lonely.
I cannot defend points I didn't make and opinions I do not possess.
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Sometimes I talk to myself while I'm sharing my thoughts and I don't realize it until people say something. It comes off the wrong way. No way I am disagreeing with what you're saying. It must be one of those posts. Sorry.Im glad you love to laugh and have fun. Was there something I said that made you think that I thought INFJs didn't? Does suggesting to someone who is lonely to try and be around positive people suggest that the lonely person isn't positive and loves to do the same?I wasn't trying to imply that INFJs can't be positive people. Regardless of how positive the INFJ dealing with loneliness is, I still think it helps to find other positive people.
I also didn't say socializing "cured" loneliness.
I also spoke about the difference between loneliness and wanting to be alone in a later post. Thanks for your thoughts but its frustrating when people respond to points I didn't make as if I made them and assume negative implications that aren't there.
However it is fair to disagree with my suggestions by saying something like: I don't think being around positive people will help loneliness. Or Helping others doesn't help. Or I don't think anyone needs to trust others in order to obtain a satisfying meaningful relationship that may help them not be as lonely.
I cannot defend points I didn't make and opinions I do not possess.
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There is no one answer to this question. There's a thousand tiny pieces. If you feel that you are getting closer to where you want to ultimately be, then just keep going. There will be relief along the way.
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No I apologize. Didn't get much sleep maybe. And I've been having some trouble with the President of the company I work for always hearing me wrong and acting like I said something different and make points about things I agree with as if I disagree with them. Its very frustrating. So I think I took that out on you without knowing it because I have to use so much tact with someone in a position of authority over me. I don't know why I even bother, my life would be easier if I just shut up and didn't improve anything or have any ideas. But the truth is, we are a lot better because I do speak up and I just cant stop. Inefficiency just bothers me.
Completely off topic. But just wanted to apologize.
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