[Kommandant]

I'm a very jealous person.
I'm jealous of people's looks and achievements (can't even be happy for them most of the time).
Mostly I feel like I'm lover/friend-jealous though (a friend hangs out with another person or a person I like gives someone a heartfelt compliment and I'm instantly hurt).

I'm pretty sure there is some kind of inferiority complex and fear of abandonment behind it.
I find jealousy to be a very painful emotion and I would love to not feel it (or at least not so often and so "extreme").

So now i wondered...
Why are some people more jealous than others?
and are there some "methods" to "reduce" jealousy?
or is this just a stfu Kommandant get your shit together thing?

Any kind of advice would help.

 

[incision]

Look at it another way. What makes you happier, being a jealous/envious person or not feeling jealousy/envy?

 

[Penny]

I'm a very jealous person.
I'm jealous of people's looks and achievements (can't even be happy for them most of the time).
Mostly I feel like I'm lover/friend-jealous though (a friend hangs out with another person or a person I like gives someone a heartfelt compliment and I'm instantly hurt).

I'm pretty sure there is some kind of inferiority complex and fear of abandonment behind it.
I find jealousy to be a very painful emotion and I would love to not feel it (or at least not so often and so "extreme").

So now i wondered...
Why are some people more jealous than others?
and are there some "methods" to "reduce" jealousy?
or is this just a stfu Kommandant get your shit together thing?

Any kind of advice would help.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins well, jealousy is related to envy, one of the seven deadly sins, and the corresponding virtue to develop in order to combat it is gratitude. so when you feel jealous or envious, try to think of what you are thankful for- about yourself when you are comparing yourself, and about them contributing to your life somehow? i try to find the good in everybody. i really do try. so maybe they make you feel inadequate somehow.. it's not their fault, they are just being them. you'd probably do best to just be you too. i used to get really jealous of my ex, but after being in a healthier relationship, i've come to realize it was based on fear and feelings of insecurity or inadequecy and also caused by the ex's behavior directly. if you can teach yourself to let go of the fear that you don't measure up.. this is where positive self-esteem comes in and acceptance i think.

eta- an easy self-esteem exercise - list five things you like about yourself

 

[BenjiMac]

Well, first of all OP - good on you for realising this and being honest with yourself about it, that takes some self-reflection and courage and is to be applauded.

I went through a jealous phase in my adolescence that took a few years to shake off - ultimately, the consequences were what delivered the lesson.

Jealousy serves a purpose so it's not universally a bad thing and sometimes you may even encounter people who will 'test' you to see how you really feel about them by trying to provoke jealousy in you.

The first thing to note is that whatever you feel jealous about is something important to you and it's good to be aware of that but thats where the utility of jealousy often ends and the problems begin. Those problems large revolve around the fact that rarely, if ever, has jealous behaviour solved the issue that provoked the jealousy. Jealous behaviour is off-putting to others and often exacerbates rather than reduces the distance between yourself and the person or object of your focus.

Like love, Jealousy is also blind - inwardly blind as well as outwardly. It can cause you to fixate on scenarios that will never come to pass, even under more favourable terms - not only making life difficult for people feeling the brunt of your jealousy but also stopping you from healing and moving on to better things and happier times. It takes an unhealthy toll on everybody it effects and it doesn't make anything better - it's merely a message to you about what you value, it doesn't make what you value more right or attainable and it can become a paralysing fixation which reduces your opportunity and quality of life while making the situation of others seem increasingly superior - it's definitely beneficial to recognise and remember that and trys to shake it off early. Whatever will be, will be after all.

With romantic jealousy in particular, I often liked to remember a scene from te TV show 'Peep Show' where one character is asking his friend's help in order to be able to be around his ex-girlfriend at her place of work in the hope of rekindling a relationshsip she's clearly moved on from which ends with lines along the tone of;

'Faint heart never won fair maid.'

'Ah yes, the opening line of the stalker's manifesto.'

Hope this helps.

 

[Gossip Goat]

There's a form of counselling called acceptance and commitment therapy. There's a book that I seemingly can't force myself to sit down and read but it has been recommended to me and it's called The Happiness Trap, which talks about ACT therapy and techniques you can use to accept certain feelings and thoughts and deal with things like that better. You can find it on PDF.

I don't think anyone trying to give you tidbits of wisdom and their perspective is truly going to help your deep seated feelings of jealousy which may stem from things like insecurity. Therapy and therapy techniques I have slightly more confidence in, but maybe it's because I'm really hoping they'll work. ACT is empirically based psychological intervention, if that gives it a lil more credibility (although, I'll admit I've only focused on it's positives so I don't know about negatives). There are worksheets and exercises you can do frequently, which might help. You can google them, too.

 

[Mone]

I might be wrong (wow) but in my eyes jealousy is associated with low self-esteem. Therefore general personal training is not a bad idea. When it comes to love jealousy, sometimes it just needs time.

 

[contradictionary]

.
So now i wondered...
Why are some people more jealous than others?
and are there some "methods" to "reduce" jealousy?
or is this just a stfu Kommandant get your shit together thing?

Any kind of advice would help.

+1 with benjimac above. Realizing and acknowledging weakness(es) is the most painful thing to do but it is the first mandatory step into progress. You are doing good there, strong courage, el commandante.

Left alone i can say you will eventually find out the best method yourself. I have nothing good to offer but i may suggest use that courageous exploration willingness to also pinpoint your strength(s), asset(s), resource(s) and friend(s). Treat then like your most precious and grow from there. It will taketime, so patience and perseverence will be crucial.

Sent sans PC

 

[Introvertia]

Jealousy can be extremely destructive and it's the only emotion I fear in relationship. I associate it with the fear of abandonment, which I recognize in myself. The feelings of inferiority. I assure myself there's nothing I can do to change the behavior of another individual, if they're going to cheat on me, then that's how it's going to be. Nothing I can do except accept it and grow wiser (and more paranoid).

 

[Denature]

Realize that it's a biological mechanism evolved to help you compare yourself to others in the social hierarchy. You wouldn't be so jealous if you were on a similar level as them.

In other words, it's just a feeling/emotion. It's biology. Overcome it.

 

[Mmmm]

Your jealousy of others can be used as a motivation for you to achieve goals for yourself. If you are envious of their achievements, then work towards achieving those same successes in your life. Whether at school, work, etc...

Being jealous of someone's looks is a little different. I mean you can always change your diet, & exercise to reach a certain target. However our face, height, frame, we can't really change. In those cases we have to accept, & learn to appreciate what you do have genetically.

As far as being jealous of the attention given to others, remember that does not take away from your value as a person, or as their friend, or partner. The fact that they compliment another, doesn't mean they feel less about you. When I was young, I used to get jealous when my friends did something without me. But I realized, hey I do the same, we aren't joined at the hip. We have different schedules, different interests, & that's ok. I enjoy their companionship when I have it, but I don't need to be with them 24/7. I enjoy my alone time too. I'm sure as an INTP, you can appreciate that also.

With an SO you especially need to exercise control with jealousy, because that can ruin a relationship quickly. Build trust in the person, & allow yourself to let go of any tendency to control or monitor them. Unless there's a real reason for suspicion, you should focus on being grateful & thankful for the positive qualities in yourself, & your SO.

My 2 cents in overcoming it.

 

[The Veteran]

This is quite easy for me. I am for one have never experienced jealousy in my life. You can try to pretend but I can tell you jealousy never came to my head. A person needs to understand that jealousy is really what you don't need and easy to knock off. It is quite unnecessary and unneeded to have this sort of emotion, or any emotion. You need to remember that you don't just get anything what you want in life. It is quite logical for someone to accept the defeat and get over it. If someone has more money and looks than you, you really shouldn't care. Will it kill you if you wasn't as rich or attractive as the other person? You should have more important things to focus on. And you can't blame others because you don't have more than them. That is your own problem and fault because you aren't focussing on your own issues and need to bother over someone else's achievement. You won't get any achievement if you succumb your negative emotions and don't do anything about it. It does not work that way. You need to stay focused and rationalise.

And to those you get jealous over their second half because they interact and socialising with other people, get over it. You don't own them. They have their own lives. They don't need someone to possess them and control them because they are not your tool. Get used to it.

 

[temptingthesea]

Jealousy for me happens when I start comparing myself with other people and conclude that I have less which then makes me feel undeserving of the relationships I currently have.

Incidentally, I was just talking about this with my ex-turned-friend (who's also an INTP) a while ago, and he gave me a pretty good point. To him, it's important to have a clear grasp of your strengths and weaknesses. It's true though. Someone else will always be better than you at some categories but not all, definitely not all.

 

[VenusSaturn]

Well it depends on what kind of jealousy. In my opinion not all jealousy is a bad thing. In some contexts it is the norm and it is to be expected.

I've personally never felt jealous because of someone else's looks, achievements, status etc. However, when I was younger and I had never been in a relationship I was jealous of my peers in school who had boyfriends / girlfriends, like I was so behind them when it came to having someone. I felt like something was wrong with me because I had no one.

As I got older, I started to accept the fact that whatever force in the universe had different plans for me, something better in store. Looking back, I realize that the relationships I could have potentially had in school and in college would not have been ultimately fulfilling for me, and those guys and girls who had a boyfriend / girlfriend that I once envied broke up. I've come to realize that who I ultimately want to end up with is someone that's wiser, compassionate, patient, someone I can fully trust in and reveal myself to. I don't think that's really characteristic of most teenage / young adult relationships these days.

I still get wowed when I hear of a happily married couple that has been together since high school / college, so part of me is still a bit jealous of them.

Now, when do I think jealousy is a good thing? If I see my SO getting too close with other guys, and if my SO sees me get too close to other girls, jealousy is GOOD and it is to be expected. I cannot imagine a committed relationship without jealousy and possessiveness, it doesn't make sense for a committed relationship / marriage to have an absence of jealousy. If there is an absence of jealousy it means one or both partners aren't fully committed for one reason or another.

As for how to overcome jealousy regarding other people's looks, achievements, status, skills etc. I believe the best way is to accept the fact that you won't need those things to be happy. The people with those things may seem like everything's going well, that the stars are aligned for them, but you may not know what deep feelings of insecurity and anxiety they're struggling with once you understand them more. We all have our troubles, whether we have those things OR NOT. Having those things may very well come with a greater set of struggles that you've not thought of. Who knows? Those people who are believed by many to have a lot, to be exceptional may ENVY the normality of people like yourself. Focus on your positive character traits rather than anything external, focus on how you can be there for your loved ones and how to make a difference in their lives, even if it's just very small things. Focus on doing what you enjoy, you don't have to be a master at it because few people ever will become masters at anything. Accept the fact that you may be a grain of sand, but that you may mean a lot to a few people whom you love and who will love you back.

I don't know how old you are and at what point in life you're at, but:
-You don't need a lot of money to be happy.
-Acknowledge the good qualities within yourself, and know that the right people in your life will also see those good qualities within yourself.
-Find that guy / girl you can spend your life with and hopefully start a family.
-See the places you want to see, and do the things you want to do when you want to relax. NEVER, EVER be afraid to relax and just do nothing.
-Know that the people you envy today may very well lose what's making you envy them, perhaps tomorrow. You may never know.
-Build as many good memories as you can.
-Don't fall for books, articles, or whatever / whoever that tells you you're a piece of crap unworthy of a good life because you aren't / you don't have X or Y or Z. Know that the right people in your life won't care whether you are / you have X or Y or Z, they'll appreciate you because you are being yourself, as long as "yourself" is a good person.
-Don't be afraid to have a couple of little quirks. The right people will accept it as part of you and even find it appealing after some time.


My life philosophy: Life's about finding that little corner where you can feel safe and happy. Life's about finding the extraordinary in the ordinary.

 

[HIX]

Stop comparing your self to them

 

[series0]

I'm a very jealous person.

And although it is useful to know yourself, you use a dangerous method here. You are rehearsing. You are repeating a mantra that you can believe.

The verb 'to be' is inappropriate because it is simply incorrect. A person IS NOT an emotion except as a temporary state. So the proper verb must be amended with an adverb, like, 'feeling', as in ... I am feeling very jealous. That is possibly correct. When you do this you can realize that all emotions are a temporary state of being.

That leads to the next step, the truth that NO ONE but you controls and is responsible ultimately for what you feel. Even if someone slaps you or attacks you in other ways, YOU, are the one that causes and CHOOSES your feelings.

Yes, this discipline is hard but it is actually more natural in some ways than the foolish external causation of emotion most people believe in, much to their detriment.

I'm jealous of people's looks and achievements (can't even be happy for them most of the time).
Mostly I feel like I'm lover/friend-jealous though (a friend hangs out with another person or a person I like gives someone a heartfelt compliment and I'm instantly hurt).

There are many reasons for the overwhelming nature of jealousy. In the case you mention here it is two emotions at work, anger and desire. I will explain.

Desire is the main issue. Desire is the emotion of chaos and the future. Desire FORCES you to live in the future. That is because you want what you do not have now. That is foolish, in general. The only thing that you should want that you do not have now is to behave in a more moral way. Morality, choosing its path actively, is the ONLY thing that affords a person happiness. This is wisdom. This is truth. Deny this at your peril.

So desire involves all forms of shame, including jealousy and envy, which are distinct. But they are all desire, and specifically overexpressed desire refelcting back upon you. You see the issue is, if you want something you are telling yourself, rehearsing, that you are not by yourself intrinsically enough. That is morally incorrect. So this immoral choice WILL ALWAYS make you unhappy.

In the case of jealousy, the over expression of desire is something I have named, worthlessness wallowing. You sit in that emotion of worthlessness and the feelings are intense. You rehearse them as a pattern. You get used to that pattern. And you repeat that pattern. You become addicted to the pattern, the feelings of over expressed desire.

You see desire is part of love, one third of love, in fact. Anger and fear are the other two thirds. Each part of love is designed to reward you with happiness feelings when you pursue that part correctly and strongly. So you are pursuing desire very strongly, ... you fool. I am being coy now and not mean. Do not take it that this is mean, please. You are a fool for love. You have never heard that expression before right (more coy). So how do you stop? Will you stop? Can you want to stop? Yes, you can. But it is all you. It is all your choice. All feelings are all you, all your choice.

So you must realize the pattern. You must accept that this pattern is truth. This is what you are doing. If you accept it, you can blame yourself, and you are empowered then to decide to change. That is wise. I recommend it. So, you decide to change. You accept that it is your fault, that you are choosing to wallow in worthlessness. Some part of you desires to keep doing this. Your desire is getting its reward as designed by love. And its killing you with jealousy. Why?

The reason is ... anger! That is why I said anger before. You lack anger. You lack balancing anger.

Love is all emotions. But love includes evil. That may not be the typical definition of love, but it is the right one. GOOD is what people mean when they say love. But good sounds placid, boring. It is not. Good is BALANCED anger, fear, and desire.

Passion is at least slightly imbalanced desire.
Compassion is at least slightly imbalanced anger.
Friendship is at least slightly imbalanced fear.

These are the three types of love coming from each emotion.

So back to anger. Why is anger compassion? And why do you need it? Anger is the emotion of the present tense. It pushes back against fear and desire both and says ... FIND BALANCE ... and exist RIGHT NOW. And anger is correct. Anger is more honest with you than fear or desire can be. But each emotion MUST morally be used to balance the others. Fail in this and your actions (not you - avoid the verb to be) are immoral.

Further, anger is not only balance but it is fairness. Each person effectively DEMANDS their space just by living. Existence, being, all by itself, is violence. So violence is moral. Compassion is called the empty love. It is the angry assertion that every living thing intrinsically deserves its life and space and morally a fair share of ... ALL. Compassion is correct, just like passion and friendship are correct. But each of these if over expressed can lead to immoral imbalances. But love is NOT aware on its own, or ... best to say ... love has known patterns. Love rewards expression of emotions according to strength. So it can fail and thus love includes evil. I think I mentioned that before. Love REWARDS your wallowing in desire with intensity. Is love wrong? No, it is you that is wrong.

You are choosing, despite loves warnings, to wallow, to continue to wallow, in negative emotions. It is always your choice that cause you to suffer. It IS NOT other people's choices, and it IS NOT love's. Love forces free will upon you. It is YOU that chooses (what you do and feel).

So, what do you do?

You use more anger.

Why anger?

Because you DESERVE your space and happiness in this world. And you DESERVE for desire, your own desire, to stop over expressing itself. But desire is GOOD. Love rewards it. So you need balance. You need anger at your desire. Then you do not have to stunt your desire. You can live fully. Let your desire out of its cage. But anger, your anger, that you also let out of its cage, will automatically balance and restrain desire.

You anger will demand your right to be, regardless of your capabilities and traits. Wisdom is the only real trait you need. Every single person is better or worse than every other one in one to one comparison. So what? Love demands, via compassion, that you are equally worthy. That is a moral belief. Disbelieving that is immoral and will cause you pain. THAT is your weak anger. Some part of you attaches too much worthiness to function or traits. Worthiness via love is intrinsic, first towards yourself, and then to ... ALL. That is the demand of moral love.

I'm pretty sure there is some kind of inferiority complex and fear of abandonment behind it.
I find jealousy to be a very painful emotion and I would love to not feel it (or at least not so often and so "extreme").

So now i wondered...
Why are some people more jealous than others?
and are there some "methods" to "reduce" jealousy?
or is this just a stfu Kommandant get your shit together thing?

Any kind of advice would help.

DO NOT wish not to feel. That is immoral nihilism. Love demands you feel and balance your emotions to be wise.

Unhappiness is suffering your own choices. Choose otherwise. Unhappiness is a guide for you to change your choices. Process the emotion and move on. Get back to balance.

Watch carefully successful couples. They are happy. But that happiness is balance. They may gush and enjoy times of passion, but they accept that from one another because most of the time they are balanced. Imbalanced passion is addiction or desperation. It is immoral weakness. Use anger, use fear, and come back to balance. You can do it!

 

[Sensational]

You can’t fully defeat jealousy. But one can accept it.
Confronting that envy exists is key.
Considering the deeper reasons why.
Pondering if the jealousy is merited or correlated more to external factors or internal deficiencies

I think many people lack an ability to be honest with themselves in cases like this.
When I think of extremely jealous people (like not when it’s just here or there, which would be realistic human emotion) but constantly
They usually either are in denial all together or they lack accountability blaming others
Or they are people who are extremely low intelligence and ignorant. Very simpleton and unable to navigate past primal instinct. They are well primitive and do not even have the capacity to understand

Some jealousy can be rational within a degree, some can be very unjustified
Of course there are cases in life when people fall to disappoint over another’s success
Sometimes if people are a casualty or taken for granted in the middle of another persons success it of course could leave some reasonable jealousy. (It’s what you do with that, if you handle it appropriately, if you react to the wrong people in the situation or confront things appropriately).
The reality is sometimes life is unfair and so yes sometimes jealousy can be warranted it is all in how you conduct yourself in the process

Now stupid reasons to be jealous would be for example
Those pissed because Mr. Jones got a Ferrari before them (seriously WTF).
Or Mr. Jones fair and square won a race and wanting to stab him in a leg for being better


If you think about it these are very basic remedial skills taught very early in development and instilled
It’s a matter of environmental character and coping skills instilled
People who are taught to be accountable from an early age are far more likely to have appropriate coping skills

So yeah most people who are constantly jealous IMO are either narcissistic and draw all their value and worth comparing and contrasting based on monetary appearances. Lack accountability.
Or they are as I said primitive and without capacity for insight into this.

 

[Mick Travis]

Those pissed because Mr. Jones got a Ferrari before them (seriously WTF).

The campus therapist I saw in college for my anger issue told me about a patient who came in for that problem.

My anger management was keeping my arms to my sides. When someone pushes my buttons, they still get an earful.