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I'm having very difficult problems with my mother.

She has a serious lack of patience, and tells me I am just a nuisance to her and have been all her life. She's a very busybusy onthego person but to be honest she causes most of the stress herself and she almost indulges in it. When she comes home, she collapses on the couch and will not let anyone come near her, ''this is my first sit down all day'' is her most used phrase.

From this, she tells me she is simply ''too tired'' to talk/listen to me. She is the polar opposite to me, she's very work orientated and in her eyes I guess I'm just an irresponsible stoner.

I don't want to share anything too personal here, but I have a lot of important things that I need to talk to her about. Problems and the like... But she just has no patience. Anytime I catch her attention, she'll find a way to find something ''ridiculous'' I have said and use it as an excuse to dismiss the conversation as nonsense. Basically she only hears what she wants to hear and has trouble accepting harsh realities.

What I need to know is, how on earth can I get an ESFJ to just LISTEN and be PATIENT? I need to find a way to communicate with her, I'm trying to get blood from a stone here.

I know this is kinda vague but I'm hoping you ESFJs can give me some advice. I'm not bashing ESFJs here, I just want to find a way to improve my relationship with my mother before I explode with frustration.

Thanks.
 

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Sooner or later... the ESFJ forum is a ghost town.
Whilst I feel incredibly bad saying this, I wonder why.

I don't understand why there are a lot of problems saying ESFJ's won't listen... ESFJ's are supposed to be the type most likely to listen and help.

Try being direct, I know I'm really terrible at being direct and I know that a lot of the time if it's something bad I'll take it badly, but it's the easiest way to get their attention.

First, ESFJ's generally know how to hurt a person if they get pissed off. I'm not saying this is the case; but maybe there is something that you're doing that's upsetting her. Life is a two way street after all and this could be the case. To be honest, I'm guessing my mum is an ESFJ; and yes, she's incredibly frustrating at times, and when she has her mind set on something, she's the most impossible person to work with. But she's an ESFJ, she would do anything for people if she could. How do I talk to her? First you need to know the problem. I don't know what it is so I can't help there. Unfortunately, beating around the bush is probably the hardest (or easiest?) way to go about it. It will most likely end in them being upset and I'm pretty sure they'll hold it against you for a while but if that's what you want to do go for it.

I still think though, do something nice for them. Just do it. I'm sure they'd love to return the favour and showing them a little love will work wonders. I know this may not entirely make sense, but sometimes it comes down to "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours".

I think that this would be a good read for you.

They expect their children to honor, respect and obey their parents, and do not tolerate well any deviance from this rule of behavior. Their Feeling preference makes it difficult for them to punish or discipline their children. If they have not worked on overcoming this issue, they may tend to punish their children in less obvious ways, such as using guilt manipulation. This is a potential pitfall for the ESFJ to overcome. It is generally more effective and more healthy to directly issue punishment when called for.
Whilst I think it's a bad idea to fundamentally change who you are to get along better, there are a few things that you could do to try and make the relationship easier.

The ESFJ's tendency to be controlling, combined with their emphasis on tradition and security, makes it likely that they will be at least somewhat strict and controlling of their children. However, they will also be their children's strongest, loudest advocate. Children of ESFJ parents are likely to rebel from their authority at some point, which will cause a stressful time for both parent and child. In this case, the ESFJ natural tendency is to make their children feel guilty about their behavior. Depending on the extent of the guilt manipulation, this may cause serious damage to the relationship.
In short, try doing something nice, regardless of how hard it is to do, and more importantly (though this may make no sense to you) do it regardless of whether you think they deserve it or not. sit them down and say you really need to talk to them and it would mean the world to you if they did

Everyone has the possibility to get along well if they are sane and everything.
 

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I don't understand why there are a lot of problems saying ESFJ's won't listen... ESFJ's are supposed to be the type most likely to listen and help.
Um . . . ESFJ's are about the worst personality type at taking criticism or even simply neutral/objective observations about what they're doing or how they're doing, often taking it as a personal attack rather than an invitation to constructive conversation. They can have an "above reproach" attitude in that regard as they believe so strongly in taking care of their family and friends that they seem to think that that devotion absolves them of any fault or mistakes. It makes them seem meddling and even controlling when it's not welcome. It can be very frustrating.

That said, the more you couch what you say in "I feel" or better yet, "I need" rather than "you do" when discussing the issue with them, the better off you'll be by avoiding this phenomenon.

Ultimately, however, you're going to have to live with their involvement in your life, even if it's annoying at times, because it's their way of showing you their love and devotion, even if it (ironically) is rubbing you the wrong way. ESFJ's live to "help".
 

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You have to be able to scream louder than me to get my attention and then tell me to "shut up", lol! But there will be a BIG reply from me, so know what you are potentially getting yourself into...........................
 
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Most esfj's never seem to understand that they make people around them so emotionally unhealthy. My emotions olyas go much lower when am around esfj's. I don't why. But they do provide, and it's hard to sleep hungry around them. Paying people's bills is almost an excuse for them to abuse you emotionally. the argument has to be them winning, if not hell breaks lose. If you get your independence, move out
 

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Most esfj's never seem to understand that they make people around them so emotionally unhealthy. My emotions olyas go much lower when am around esfj's. I don't why. But they do provide, and it's hard to sleep hungry around them. Paying people's bills is almost an excuse for them to abuse you emotionally. the argument has to be them winning, if not hell breaks lose. If you get your independence, move out
Keep in mind that all types have healthy AND unhealthy individuals. I'm sorry your ESFJ friend/mother whoever is unhealthy. Not all ESFJs are like this. In fact, you probably know several very nice, well rounded ESFJs that you aren't even aware of. I personally am willing to listen to others. Even if I disagree and argue with them in the beginning, I always think about it later and then half the time I conclude they were right. Then I go find them again, and tell them "Yeah, you were right about XYZ. My bad." Which is not an uncommon ESFJ reaction.
 

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I'm having very difficult problems with my mother.

She has a serious lack of patience, and tells me I am just a nuisance to her and have been all her life. She's a very busybusy onthego person but to be honest she causes most of the stress herself and she almost indulges in it. When she comes home, she collapses on the couch and will not let anyone come near her, ''this is my first sit down all day'' is her most used phrase.

From this, she tells me she is simply ''too tired'' to talk/listen to me. She is the polar opposite to me, she's very work orientated and in her eyes I guess I'm just an irresponsible stoner.

I don't want to share anything too personal here, but I have a lot of important things that I need to talk to her about. Problems and the like... But she just has no patience. Anytime I catch her attention, she'll find a way to find something ''ridiculous'' I have said and use it as an excuse to dismiss the conversation as nonsense. Basically she only hears what she wants to hear and has trouble accepting harsh realities.

What I need to know is, how on earth can I get an ESFJ to just LISTEN and be PATIENT? I need to find a way to communicate with her, I'm trying to get blood from a stone here.

I know this is kinda vague but I'm hoping you ESFJs can give me some advice. I'm not bashing ESFJs here, I just want to find a way to improve my relationship with my mother before I explode with frustration.

Thanks.
You can’t.
Good talk.
 

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Most esfj's never seem to understand that they make people around them so emotionally unhealthy. My emotions olyas go much lower when am around esfj's. I don't why. But they do provide, and it's hard to sleep hungry around them. Paying people's bills is almost an excuse for them to abuse you emotionally. the argument has to be them winning, if not hell breaks lose. If you get your independence, move out
I have learned over time that the solution is to just go hungry don’t ever accept anything from them ever. There are always hidden strings.


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