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My ESFP girlfriend who I loved with my whole heart and soul completely blindsided me with a breakup.

Everything she was doing and saying made me think she was totally in love with me and happy.

She said a bunch of reasons why she broke up with me none of them really made any sense.

I want to get back together with her but I don’t know how. I’ve never felt a connection like this before and will do anything I can to get her back and make it work. I think connections like this are very rare in this world and life.

So ESFPs, please, how can I go about getting her back?? Any tips, advice, suggestions, anything that will help.
 

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My ESFP girlfriend who I loved with my whole heart and soul completely blindsided me with a breakup.

Everything she was doing and saying made me think she was totally in love with me and happy.

She said a bunch of reasons why she broke up with me none of them really made any sense.

I want to get back together with her but I don’t know how. I’ve never felt a connection like this before and will do anything I can to get her back and make it work. I think connections like this are very rare in this world and life.

So ESFPs, please, how can I go about getting her back?? Any tips, advice, suggestions, anything that will help.
@L19 First off, welcome to the Cafe! As per this ESFP, that ship has sailed. Once an EXXP type finds something else, they'll find something else, and find something else until their point of origin is long gone...and she won't look back. But by no means do I deliver ill tidings, you've been blessed with your freedom once again--this time to find someone even better. A little more context would help us in autopsying this breakup so that you can minimize your odds of this happening again. Was this breakup done in person or over text? How often did you talk to her? What behaviors of yours did she respond well to? The very, very best thing that you can do to reattract her though is to immediately cease all communication. No texts, no calls, no stopping by her social media; she doesn't exist anymore. She may possibly come back if you suddenly disappear, but she will run for the hills if you pursue her--I guarantee that.

The reason why you haven't felt a connection like this before can be attributed to possessing too high a sensitivity to these experiences. Too little exposure maintains a high sensitivity, but if you were to develop an abundance mentality, you would be inoculated to the magical facade of the relationship. This is a classic case of oneitis (infatuation with one person), which can certainly be resolved. You may say that you loved her, but heart to heart, man to man...it was just infatuation. The heartbreak will ease each and every time you are rejected though. Also, could you also list some of the things she said? They're not supposed to make sense, but motives and mindsets can be determined when reviewed.

None of the aforementioned insight was intended to condemn. You will recover and be a better man for it, this I know.
 

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@L19 First off, welcome to the Cafe! As per this ESFP, that ship has sailed. Once an EXXP type finds something else, they'll find something else, and find something else until their point of origin is long gone...and she won't look back. But by no means do I deliver ill tidings, you've been blessed with your freedom once again--this time to find someone even better. A little more context would help us in autopsying this breakup so that you can minimize your odds of this happening again. Was this breakup done in person or over text? How often did you talk to her? What behaviors of yours did she respond well to? The very, very best thing that you can do to reattract her though is to immediately cease all communication. No texts, no calls, no stopping by her social media; she doesn't exist anymore. She may possibly come back if you suddenly disappear, but she will run for the hills if you pursue her--I guarantee that.

The reason why you haven't felt a connection like this before can be attributed to possessing too high a sensitivity to these experiences. Too little exposure maintains a high sensitivity, but if you were to develop an abundance mentality, you would be inoculated to the magical facade of the relationship. This is a classic case of oneitis (infatuation with one person), which can certainly be resolved. You may say that you loved her, but heart to heart, man to man...it was just infatuation. The heartbreak will ease each and every time you are rejected though. Also, could you also list some of the things she said? They're not supposed to make sense, but motives and mindsets can be determined when reviewed.

None of the aforementioned insight was intended to condemn. You will recover and be a better man for it, this I know.

The breakup was done in person. We would speak every day and see each other usually 3 times a week.

What did she respond well to? Well she acted like she liked pretty much everything I did. She did let me know she didn't like a couple of things and I stopped those. Other than that, she always seemed really into and happy when we would go on the dates I would plan. It's honestly tough to say because she acted happy and in love with me with anything I did but clearly that wasn't the case so maybe the things I thought she liked she didn't? I think I was a pretty good boyfriend though. I planned fun dates, I supported and encouraged her in her career, I was very good to her family, I was very thoughtful, I was there for her when she needed that, I always asked about her life/family/day.

Everything seemed really good until she suddenly became very distant for a day or two. I asked her what was wrong but she said everything was fine and not to worry she loves me and so I let her be because I know I get annoyed when people keep asking what's wrong. Then a couple of days later she came over to talk and ended it. She even left me with a note that said she knows it's a shock so it really was out of nowhere. Before this she was telling me how much she loves me, how much she missed me when we were away from each other a couple of days, when we were together everything seemed really great.

When breaking up she said I did nothing wrong but felt like I did things for her she didn't want me to do (never told me anything besides she doesn't like surprises when I'd try to surprise her with some of our dates), that she felt partly contained/held back (no idea why because I never told/asked her not to do something other than 1 thing that was a boundary for me), she said sometimes she felt like I relied on her (not really sure why since I planned most of the things we did together. I also of course asked her what she would want to do/like for dinner and did things she wanted to do). She said she's too wild and spontaneous and crazy and I'm more organized and like to plan my fun (yes I'm a bit of a planner in a way, I'm also very go with the flow and like to adventure and experience new things). She said we thought of the future differently, which again, no idea where that came from since we didn't talk about that too intensely yet. We spoke about going on a trip together (although apparently she didn't believe I really wanted to do that, she thought I only wanted to because she did), we spoke about things a couple of months into the future but nothing too serious so not sure where she got that from.

I get what you're saying about exposure but this is not the first girl that's ever been into me. I've been with a lot of girls. One night stands, flings, dates. I've had girls that were very into me and none of them acted like she did. I've been with girls that I really liked and never felt what I did with her.

The only reason I feel like there's any chance for us to give it another go is because she's loosely connected to my social circle
 

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The breakup was done in person. We would speak every day and see each other usually 3 times a week.

What did she respond well to? Well she acted like she liked pretty much everything I did. She did let me know she didn't like a couple of things and I stopped those. Other than that, she always seemed really into and happy when we would go on the dates I would plan. It's honestly tough to say because she acted happy and in love with me with anything I did but clearly that wasn't the case so maybe the things I thought she liked she didn't? I think I was a pretty good boyfriend though. I planned fun dates, I supported and encouraged her in her career, I was very good to her family, I was very thoughtful, I was there for her when she needed that, I always asked about her life/family/day.

Everything seemed really good until she suddenly became very distant for a day or two. I asked her what was wrong but she said everything was fine and not to worry she loves me and so I let her be because I know I get annoyed when people keep asking what's wrong. Then a couple of days later she came over to talk and ended it. She even left me with a note that said she knows it's a shock so it really was out of nowhere. Before this she was telling me how much she loves me, how much she missed me when we were away from each other a couple of days, when we were together everything seemed really great.

When breaking up she said I did nothing wrong but felt like I did things for her she didn't want me to do (never told me anything besides she doesn't like surprises when I'd try to surprise her with some of our dates), that she felt partly contained/held back (no idea why because I never told/asked her not to do something other than 1 thing that was a boundary for me), she said sometimes she felt like I relied on her (not really sure why since I planned most of the things we did together. I also of course asked her what she would want to do/like for dinner and did things she wanted to do). She said she's too wild and spontaneous and crazy and I'm more organized and like to plan my fun (yes I'm a bit of a planner in a way, I'm also very go with the flow and like to adventure and experience new things). She said we thought of the future differently, which again, no idea where that came from since we didn't talk about that too intensely yet. We spoke about going on a trip together (although apparently she didn't believe I really wanted to do that, she thought I only wanted to because she did), we spoke about things a couple of months into the future but nothing too serious so not sure where she got that from.

I get what you're saying about exposure but this is not the first girl that's ever been into me. I've been with a lot of girls. One night stands, flings, dates. I've had girls that were very into me and none of them acted like she did. I've been with girls that I really liked and never felt what I did with her.

The only reason I feel like there's any chance for us to give it another go is because she's loosely connected to my social circle
Moving forward, you need to act in strength. Her letting you know she didn't like certain things may have been a test, to which you failed by caving in; I don't know of what she asked you to change, but things of that nature generally are tests. Even though her demeanor was excited and jolly, ESFPs and the vast majority of women are prone to immediately changing their feelings. A stimulus could take one instance, or dwell over a span of time subsconsciously, either one making her reach a tipping point.

She got bored for sure. Her comment on you doing too much for her meant that she could expect you to reliably bend over backward for her--that's no thrill for her. Plus, some of your surprises made her feel as though some of her freedom of choice had been robbed from her. By the way, it's important to understand that a majority of women (with ESFPs at the forefront of this) perceive reality predominantly through feelings...not the Fi or Fe, but through the emotions that manifest within them. This means that even if you logically could prove that you and her were 50/50 on relying on one another, that wouldn't trump her feelings on the matter. As a matter of fact, you don't want her thinking in the slightest that you depend on her, otherwise you're lowering your value before her eyes. Her becoming distant was symptomatic of her realizing that she didn't really want to be with you, further explained by her comment about your visions of the future. It's not necessarily that you two had differing wishes for the future, it's that she didn't see you in hers.

From what I can gather she tried to break everything "nicely" to you, but everything was shoddily masked. You projected weakness through being easily manipulated and treating her too often. She didn't think you could handle the breakup so she sought to soften everything. Neediness, validation seeking, and/or expressing vulnerability may have led to her stating that you relied on her. This is not to say that you don't have a backbone, but remember that you are the prize--not her.

The fact that you have friends in common can be leveraged to your advantage. Keep up the no contact rule with her. Do not look back. Work on yourself, especially in the realms of maintaining your strength and calling the shots (she may have wanted you to lead more when making plans, then she would have signed off when you brought up your plans, convincing herself that she had exercised sufficient freedom). Once several months have passed, you may be ready around the 6-month mark of not contacting her to enlist your friends for help. Have your friends bring up to her that you've changed and that it's worth another shot. She may come back if she notices a change. Terribly sorry for the late response, but I do hope this finds its way into your mind @L19.
 

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Moving forward, you need to act in strength. Her letting you know she didn't like certain things may have been a test, to which you failed by caving in; I don't know of what she asked you to change, but things of that nature generally are tests. Even though her demeanor was excited and jolly, ESFPs and the vast majority of women are prone to immediately changing their feelings. A stimulus could take one instance, or dwell over a span of time subsconsciously, either one making her reach a tipping point.
She said she didn't like when I'd serve food onto her plate from shared dishes when we were out to dinner in a group and she didn't like surprises. I'd often try to surprise her with what I had planned for our dates, thought it kept it interesting, she wound up telling me she didn't like it, so I stopped. If a girl you're dating tells you things like that you're supposed to just take them as a test?

She got bored for sure. Her comment on you doing too much for her meant that she could expect you to reliably bend over backward for her--that's no thrill for her. Plus, some of your surprises made her feel as though some of her freedom of choice had been robbed from her. By the way, it's important to understand that a majority of women (with ESFPs at the forefront of this) perceive reality predominantly through feelings...not the Fi or Fe, but through the emotions that manifest within them. This means that even if you logically could prove that you and her were 50/50 on relying on one another, that wouldn't trump her feelings on the matter. As a matter of fact, you don't want her thinking in the slightest that you depend on her, otherwise you're lowering your value before her eyes. Her becoming distant was symptomatic of her realizing that she didn't really want to be with you, further explained by her comment about your visions of the future. It's not necessarily that you two had differing wishes for the future, it's that she didn't see you in hers.
Just not really sure how this girl got bored... I was always taking her on fun and different dates, we went out with couple friends often doing fun things, we always did cool things she wanted to do, we'd occasionally go out and party together. She certainly never mentioned anything along the lines of we never do anything fun or we always do x,y,z although she never said anything about anything until she dumped me.

From what I can gather she tried to break everything "nicely" to you, but everything was shoddily masked. You projected weakness through being easily manipulated and treating her too often. She didn't think you could handle the breakup so she sought to soften everything. Neediness, validation seeking, and/or expressing vulnerability may have led to her stating that you relied on her. This is not to say that you don't have a backbone, but remember that you are the prize--not her.

The fact that you have friends in common can be leveraged to your advantage. Keep up the no contact rule with her. Do not look back. Work on yourself, especially in the realms of maintaining your strength and calling the shots (she may have wanted you to lead more when making plans, then she would have signed off when you brought up your plans, convincing herself that she had exercised sufficient freedom). Once several months have passed, you may be ready around the 6-month mark of not contacting her to enlist your friends for help. Have your friends bring up to her that you've changed and that it's worth another shot. She may come back if she notices a change. Terribly sorry for the late response, but I do hope this finds its way into your mind @L19.
What makes you say I projected weakness by being easily manipulated and treating her too often?

Do ESFPs typically cut people off for good no matter what or are they usually open to rekindling things?
 

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I'm saying all of this is because you were pampering her and she had to do nothing for it. @L19 my intent isn't to be condescending in the slightest; I want you to understand that your action doesn't quite equate to her enjoyment. To be more clear, she wasn't bored expressly by the experiences you gave her. She became bored with you more specifically for aforementioned reasons.

On the matter of her tests, sometimes the answer isn't to cave, other times it's not to take offense while not being apologetic. How you react is possibly more important than what course of action you take. There are no clear answers in the game, but I can assure you she was acting entirely within her nature; it's not an ESFP thing, it's a women thing.
 
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