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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I mean without therapy. I live in the UK and having therapy is quite embarrassing and a big deal.

I want a solution that I'm able to implement myself.
 
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This topic I’m terrible with advice in, I would just focus time and energy into vengeance if a person caused a big dent in my life

Naturally if it’s a different trauma, I’m over fed with how the world and life is (full of struggles) that every trauma I’ve had makes sense and is not a big deal because it didn’t be happen to just me so it wouldn’t make sense to allow it to ruin my endeavors in life, even if it’s painful, what would be more painful is allowing it to break me after the impact. And many realize that later in life where it might be too late for some
 

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This topic I’m terrible with advice in, I would just focus time and energy into vengeance if a person caused a big dent in my life

Naturally if it’s a different trauma, I’m over fed with how the world and life is (full of struggles) that every trauma I’ve had makes sense and is not a big deal because it didn’t be happen to just me so it wouldn’t make sense to allow it to ruin my endeavors in life, even if it’s painful, what would be more painful is allowing it to break me after the impact. And many realize that later in life where it might be too late for some
*I would just focus time and energy into vengeance if a person caused a big dent in my life *

That sounds like an enormous waste of their time and does no good for them.
Find a way to forgive, so you can forget.
Focus on yourself, and work towards a better life, once you have it, you likely won't even be bothered as much by past events. Leave those where they belong and focus on yourself, and on your future. The worst thing you can do is keep reopening an old wound.

Other than that, I'm willing to hear you out, if you're comfortable with sharing more. Maybe I can give better advice then based on the unique situation.
 

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*I would just focus time and energy into vengeance if a person caused a big dent in my life *

That sounds like an enormous waste of their time and does no good for them.
Find a way to forgive, so you can forget.
Focus on yourself, and work towards a better life, once you have it, you likely won't even be bothered as much by past events. Leave those where they belong and focus on yourself, and on your future. The worst thing you can do is keep reopening an old wound.

Other than that, I'm willing to hear you out, if you're comfortable with sharing more. Maybe I can give better advice then based on the unique situation.

I believe revenge when the law and karma fail is a good response if you want to make a statement, proving a point is sometimes more therapeutic and poetic than turning the other cheek, and who wouldn’t want that satisfaction. Think of it as a fun game and not a draining process that has you scheming in your basement for plans
 

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You have to figure out why precisely the experience is still bothering you, then address that reason specifically.

I don't think that every traumatic experience can be "gotten over," particularly the ones related to something that is ongoing. But getting over the fact that it continues to periodically come to mind seems possible.
 

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Make a chart

Event (describe event in detail, the one that led to an emotion) —-> describe thoughts in relation to event —-> describe mood —> what happened after (consequences) ——> what could you have done differently ? ( e.g. I could have been more supportive)

You can also get self-help resources online :


But as I always ask anyone, for one single traumatic thought that went through your mind, what would you tell a friend to help them cope with that same thought?
 

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I don't know really, but will try to follow this thread some to learn more myself, but I'll share my two cents, just with the warning that it is just my personal... observations? so take it or leave it.

I think the feeling of spite can help some, a little. I think you expressed some in the OP, that kind of "I am not gonna let that stop me!". To use that as fuel and a strength, and use it to widen your freedoms in some way.

For me it was for example a freeing feeling when stopping locking the door, some time after having a break in when I was home (not a major trauma, but I was a bit skittish for some time after), it felt like I won somehow, that I had not been made to retreat and bunker up and be distrustful (I was at first, but it didn't feel good, like they had taken something more than what was stolen). It felt spiteful and obstinate and good :)

trigger warning, incident with pedophile:
 

When I was 8 I met a pedophile in a public bathroom, me and my friend, nothing very violent happened, he flashed and touched etc, but it was traumatic all the same, thoughts about what could have happened, and just becoming very aware that people could have that sort of interest in you. That feeling of spite helped some then too, after some time. Like going back to the area where it happened(me and my friend alone), because he was not going to get to ruin that for us. And also after two/three years sometimes mentioning it, when it comes up, like here kind of, that it should be something one is allowed to talk about, not having to hide because of shame, also helped a little somehow, making it feel less loaded. It is so very long ago now, and I don't feel much thinking about the incident itself, but I know I still struggle with many effects it had, secondarily, like that I have trouble with touch, that feeling ok showing skin is something I have had to work consciously on a lot etc. So those kinds of "habits" that formed the year after seem more difficult to combat than the memory itself. But perhaps this is also different as it is on the other side of childhood/adulthood, it is almost as it wasn't me, it was child-me, so that guilt and shame I felt the first years, that I didn't understand what was happening at first, or couldn't remember his face and so couldn't help as a witness (so others might have to suffer the same as he didn't get caught), I can look back at that with the eyes of an adult and forgive the child for that. I don't know if that is generally recommended, for trauma, to distance oneself like that? might be problematic in some way. But generally with guilt and shame, I think it helps to at least imagine it like it was someone else (just for a while), someone you care about perhaps, and see how you would judge them. Fear and anger etc I guess is different though.
 

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As someone who has lived through a traumatic experience, acceptance of the trauma will help you manage your perspective. You will feel that you have more control. Most who have gone through traumatic events want to know why it happened to them, what could have been done differently, and closure. Don't blame yourself over this. Write what is on your mind. I find it easier to process and understand that way.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks everyone for your advice. Unfortunately, I think the first problem I'm having might be due to it being at an age of significant brain development and my second problem being that I've left it too late.

Feel free to continue of course, since others might benefit from any insights
 

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How I always dealt with it is head on.

When you're in hell, best thing to do is ride it through. Pain is ONLY temporary.

By putting life into perspective, I'm able to mentally cope with my losses and at the same time, the healing can be comforting. Taking time to lick your wounds, to provide self-care for yourself can be one of the best and most rewarding experiences. Self-compassion can allow you to share the same compassion towards others. In that sense, by helping yourself, you can help others also, and in the process end the cycle of sadness.

Another way I re-frame trauma is by understanding we are all in this together, and knowing that no one has it perfect.

You may be the richest person in life but live in an empty home with no real human experience, and that in itself is another form of pain. By re-framing pain from a universal human perspective, I'm able to cope with trauma by understanding that everyone suffers. We all suffer differently.
 

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I mean without therapy. I live in the UK and having therapy is quite embarrassing and a big deal.

I want a solution that I'm able to implement myself.
Creating a personal space for yourself, a place where you feel safe and comfy. In that place, you can reflect on your childhood and after. A lot of events that have happened in your life you will not see as a traumatic experience, first thing is to recognize those events and think about the way it made you feel or if such an event has changed your views/doings. For me to deal with traumatic things is mostly the fact that I don't know where it's coming from, but the moment I can recognize and recall certain events or emotions and reflect on it a bit, that's already enough for me to accept and move on.

Lingering to much on the past will waste your energy for the future to come. (I tend to do it a lot tho) but accepting and learning from it will create only more energy to spend instead of lowering it. But yet again every traumatic experience has it's own magnitude, so it's difficult to deal with more severe events.
 
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