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Discussion Starter #1
I have a few friends that I would like to see more often who live super close to me but are super impossible to hang out with. I have a 6 year old daughter and a good amount of baby sitters so I can go out and have fun. Most of the time I do things with my husband whom I enjoy spending time with. But once a month, I would like so socialize with some friends. It seems like a near impossible feat. I see our mutual best friend (INFP) maybe once or twice per year. He has 2 young children and when we invite them ti do stuff, they usually cancel. Usually his wife cancels because she is "not feeling well". My husband sees him twice a week because they work out together.

Our neighbors, one is ESTP I think. And his wife is introverted but we all get along really welll together. My husband is ENTJ and Im INTP. We we out once with them and it was a blast. Since then we have tried but they cancel. Its the wife that doesnt want to go anywhere. They also have young children.

Both couples have family who are more than willing to watch their children. Babysitters shouldnt be a problem. I dont want to do something with the kids. Thats no fun. I like to go out and do fin things like paint night, axe throwing, dinner, wineries, wine festivals. Fun adult stuff.

Is there any approach that would help? In bothe circumstances, the wives dont want to leave the house. The husbands are frustrated about it so my hisband goes out with the guys about once per month. I want to hang out with them as a couple because I get along woth the guys better and its more fun.

In the past, I have let my husband coordinate our outings because hes really goood at that.

Maybe Im going about this wrong but
 

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You're such a 7.

I would say motivate them. They aren't going to see the outing the same way as you. They probably need more incentive to get out of bed besides just adventure. Imagine a gym. Why do you go to the gym? All kinds of reasons. Mental health, physical gains, weight loss, stress reduction, healing, preparedness, social ins, etc. They aren't just going to get out of the house like you naturally would as a 7.
 

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I'll admit I was kinda shocked to find myself from a situation where most if not all of my friends would rather hangout with their SOs at home than go out. So I went and (got better friends lol) by myself and met new people there, so that is maybe one option...??

Consider:

- their priorities have changed. Even if they could organize babysitters etc. there is something that makes it so they aren't as willing to go out as before. You can't really... fix that. Maybe they just want to relax at home and that's fine too.

- if they still indicate that they'd be willing to go out in some circumstances, they are maybe stressed atm, all you can really do is provide opportunities to do so and hope it works with their schedules. Honestly, they should probably also make some effort if they want to keep the friendship going.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
@ purrfesor Yes, I guess I am a 7. I questioned my enneagram for a while because I took like 4 different tests and it came out different every time between 5 and 7. But I do have the urge to get out and do fun stuff constantly and cant understand why some people dont want to do fun stuff even occasionally.

Compared to me, most people do absolutely nothing all their lives or so it seems to me from outside observation.
Thank God my husband goes along with my constant need to have fun.
 

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Shotgun it is. That would be an epitome of forceful arseh... But seriously it's obvious that you can't do this with those specific people and they seem to be busy or don't want you. You really shouldn't force them to hang out.
 

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I get how you feel, I've had friends (shocker, I know) that have ended up becoming more and more reclusive, haven't seen spoke to them for years now, life does go on. If I had to give my advice I would say find something that you know they will definitely want to come out to do and while you're there find the right time to ask why you don't see each other more often, and if it stays the same way after that then it's probably best to go find new friends

Fire usually works
I was hoping to see an answer like that xD
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I was hoping for more advice that was useful.
By the way, as many introverts can understand, its not easy making friends and as an INTP, I dont even like that many people. So I prefer to keep the few friends I have thanks.

I will just keep asking. Hopefully ine of those days they will follow through. They cancel too much. Thats the main issue. Theres no follow through. People are so flaky and unreliable
 

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There are people who talk about doing and there are people who go and do. If you want to talk, talk with the talkers. You may discover they have great and glorious plans and intentions. Unfortunately, talkers seldom act on their intentions. They do, however, often agree to do something and then cancel. If you want to go and do, link up with the doers.

There may be another aspect to your problem. You like the guys to join in because you get along better with them than their wives, if I read your post correctly. Those wives may see you as a threat. If they see you as being more attractive, smarter or just being more fun to be around then they are, they may feel insecure. It is possible they could see you as a threat to their marriage. They may be willing to join in when there is a more neutral playing field, such as a wedding or company picnic. When the function is a fun night out with the boys you might be too much to handle. Only a thought, but it is a possibility...

And for truly introverted people, fun loving social events can be about as uncomfortable as being in a short line waiting to be burned at the stake. It could be the wives are more content staying home and changing diapers.

Motivating those reluctant ladies to be your playtime companions may be a tough sell.
 

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People are so flaky and unreliable
This is just it. People treat plans today like no big deal. There is no actual committment. It's really quite interesting to me. It seems to be a cultural shift in America in recent years.

The "I'm busy" thing is an excuse. We're not as busy as we think. Everyone's on social media & has their tv shows they watch. I don't care if people do these thing one bit, just quit pretending & whining about how busy you are when everyone sees you posting on FB & IG constantly OKAY KAREN:shocked: bahaha I just triggered myself in .002 seconds with a topic that isn't even the topic you're asking about good grief :mellow: I'm sorry.
 

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I was hoping for more advice that was useful.
By the way, as many introverts can understand, its not easy making friends and as an INTP, I dont even like that many people. So I prefer to keep the few friends I have thanks.

I will just keep asking. Hopefully ine of those days they will follow through. They cancel too much. Thats the main issue. Theres no follow through. People are so flaky and unreliable
Ok I think I see why they keep cancelling
 

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In regards to your actual question- I relate to the wives. I make myself go out because I know it's good for me, but it's not my preference. I prefer home. Here are my thoughts from the other side:

1) I have no problem with people coming to my house. We often have friends over for games, drinks, etc. I like sweatpants & my cozy home. Maybe present in-house activities as an option? I know you want to go out, but if you value the friendship than some give & take is necessary.

2) I need to be (a bit) pushed. I get irritated getting asked to do things (I do. I'm ashamed about that but I do.) but I know I'm being selfish. I forget that it hurts some of my friends if I say no to their invites. I also know it's good for me to get out so I try to say yes. I've communicated with them I am a homebody, but I value them asking & pushing me. So they keep doing it. And I usually say yes. The key is respecting when I do say no.

In regards to friend couples. That's a tougher one. We have a friend couple that asks us out most weekends. I'd say we say yes 50% of the time. They do not have kids. We have 4. I actually get along better with him (he's an INTP, she's an ESFP) than her. I enjoy getting together with them, but I get annoyed when I see them as not being understanding when we do say no. He's a flat out jerk, which I actually prefer, she can get passive aggressive & guilt trip. Example: Last wkd I was coaching my kids' bball team at a tourney an hr north of here. Drove back & forth for 3 days, coached 7 games, was socializing in btwn because we were up there all day. We got back late Sun nt, she asked us to go see a movie after the kids went to bed. I said no, I didn't have energy. She said, "It's a movie you just sit there & don't talk" and kept giving me a hard time. Yes, true. Don't care. Leaving my house takes energy, even something as simple as that. Respect that I said no, don't make me feel bad.

3) Just go out with the guys. If you don't enjoy the girl's company as much anyway, why care if they come or not? I get along better with my husband's friends as well. They just goof around. Women usually irritate me. I don't often like the things they want to talk about. Blah blah blah pLeAsE sToP tAlKiNg & let's just be together as a group :crazy:.

So either go find girlfriends you actually want to spend time with & that want to get out as well, or just keep crashing with the guys if that's the company you truly enjoy. There's nothing wrong with that. :smile: If the wives have an issue with it then maybe they shouldn't be so lame.

Keep trying. Good luck!! :happy:
 

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I was hoping for more advice that was useful.
By the way, as many introverts can understand, its not easy making friends and as an INTP, I dont even like that many people. So I prefer to keep the few friends I have thanks.

I will just keep asking. Hopefully ine of those days they will follow through. They cancel too much. Thats the main issue. Theres no follow through. People are so flaky and unreliable
Ok I think I see why they keep cancelling

Bahaha A bit of truth here OP, no? Low-key insult to the people who have taken the time to give you some input. This brings up something to be considered though- maybe they just don't care for you? I don't know how to say it in a kinder way than don't care for, I'm sorry. Maybe your directness puts them off? I enjoy the INTP no-bullshit way, but it took me time to understand & not take personally. It can be tough for many people to get used to/understand. I know you said everyone had a good time, but is there a chance that something was said or feelings were hurt & they just didn't let you know?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
@Rascal01 : interesting insight. You may have a valid point there. Maybe I should plan a girls night out and see what happens. I was thinking about it. It might be difficult but maybe they would enjoy that enough to want to go out as a couple.

The only reason why I havent planned a girls night is because well INTP. That can sum it up. And they are all introverted so, its hard if I have to carry the conversation. But its doable. I was afraid they would all cancel on me and I would be left going out on my own.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
@Kelly Kapowski : thanks fo the insight. At least maybe they may feel the same way. So I havent asked them out that much. Only 2 times for the neighbors and they went out one time. So 50% so far. For the other friends, I havent asked much, nor very often. The wife has cancelled 2 times in the past year our of 4 invites.

Also to the person who posted that I see why they dont want to go out with you.
Im not insulted buy please elaborate. I dont get subtlety very well. Be blunt. Spelll it out will you?
 

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@Rascal01 : interesting insight. You may have a valid point there. Maybe I should plan a girls night out and see what happens. I was thinking about it. It might be difficult but maybe they would enjoy that enough to want to go out as a couple.

The only reason why I havent planned a girls night is because well INTP. That can sum it up. And they are all introverted so, its hard if I have to carry the conversation. But its doable. I was afraid they would all cancel on me and I would be left going out on my own.
Introverts were a topic of discussion when I went through formal MBTI training. The instructors commented that once you get them to start talking they may really open up and become quite talkative. Also, the girls’ night out sounds like a smart call. Whether talking with you conversationally or joining a girls’ night on the town, it comes down to a matter of trust. If you become a gal pal instead of a possible threat this situation may turn around.

Like every other faceless face on the internet, I can’t offer any assurances. But I have been around enough women to realize that my comments are plausible. Good luck with sorting this out, and do have fun as you go about it.
 

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I call myself 'middle child' of life with stuff like this. I can relate.

The extreme of variety of people I know is either my elder sis who will go out, like always. But who knows what the hell she crushed up and snorted. And I have a few friends who are younger who are still big in their party years and for some reason like hang overs weekly. :rolleyes:

Or I have the friends who are glued to S/O, have small children, and or preggo.
These people always want people to come to them. There is usually strong scent of poopy diaper. (Hey I can knock it, my kids are older now.). And alotta times they are binge watching the bachelor or some bride show in the background. Wtf?
:rolleyes:

:sad:
I am more like want to go eat good food, have some drinks and get semi lit and visit with people at a brewery or something.

Anyways I think the best thing to do is be consistent but not too consistent in your pursuit. If they decline I think its ok to make your own fun. There is times where I will just have dinner at a bar on my own etc. I roller blade random at the roller rink when no one can come out and play. Its ok to take yourself to a movie. Etc. Its important to maintain and identify interest regardless of company. I do think it is ok to at some point tell your friends that you understand they are busy etc but that you just really appreciate some adult company at times.
 
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