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Discussion Starter #1
Ok, here goes...

Hi, I'm Arutha28. I'm an ISTJ and I'd like some advice on how to find a young woman to start a relationship with. I'm 19 years old and haven't had a grilfriend. I have asked girls out in the past (just 3 :blushed:) , but no successess, and I've never really had any experience in looking for someone to start a relationship with.

I currently have a couple of personal rules when it comes to dating:

1. I won't date someone who lives outside of my state (I'm from Australia btw)
This is because I love my family and I love spending time with them. Dating someone from another state would limit how much I get to see them, and I'd eventually have to choose between her state or mine :sad:.

2. I won't date anyone who works in/studies the exact same (or near enough to) field as I do.
I study for a degree in Computer Science at my University, so I won't date anyone studying the same degree, or one that's extremely similar to it (e.g. Computer Graphics). However, I could date someone studying, as an example, an Engineering Maths degree.
This may seem stupid, but my reasons are: if we study different things we would have more interest in what the other is doing, and learn more from each other, than if we studied the same thing. Also, later down the track, we won't compete professionally (e.g. go for the same job, have one of us at a higher position in the industry than the other).

I may flex these rules at a later date, but for now I like them in place.
Please note that these aren't the only things I consider when choosing a possible girlfriend (I also like similar age, some common interests, etc), these are just my personal 2 definite rules.

The second rule makes it harder for me to find someone while at my University, since I currently don't socialise with people outside my degree (not a rule, just me being shy :wink:).

I guess I'm just not sure on how to go about finding that special someone. I'm not the type of person who can just go to bars on my own, and I don't want to ask my friends to come along just for my benefit. Even if I did, I'm not sure that I'd have much success. I like to know more about who I might be asking out before I actually do it, knowledge about what kind of person they are, more than what they like. Bars are just not my scene.
My parents suggested knowing someone as a friend already, before pursuing them romantically, but I'm afraid that I'll start friendships just so I can ask them out some time, and I'll end up with a whole lot of female friends and no girlfriend. (Although you can't have too many friends)

My social circle is really small, although I'm trying to expand it this semester, so I'm not sure that a friend-of-a-friend suggestion is likely to occur.

Basically, I just want some advice. If you've been in a similar situation, or if you just have some thoughts to give, that's great. All advice is welcome (though perhaps not all advice will be accepted).

PS: In case you can't tell, I don't get out much. (I probably should)
Also, you should know that I don't have a car. I have to borrow one of my parents' cars if I want to go somewhere.
Thanks for reading this far, and sorry for the long post.
 
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Ok, here goes...

Hi, I'm Arutha28. I'm an ISTJ and I'd like some advice on how to find a young woman to start a relationship with. I'm 19 years old and haven't had a grilfriend. I have asked girls out in the past (just 3 :blushed:) , but no successess, and I've never really had any experience in looking for someone to start a relationship with.

I currently have a couple of personal rules when it comes to dating:

1. I won't date someone who lives outside of my state (I'm from Australia btw)
This is because I love my family and I love spending time with them. Dating someone from another state would limit how much I get to see them, and I'd eventually have to choose between her state or mine :sad:.

2. I won't date anyone who works in/studies the exact same (or near enough to) field as I do.
I study for a degree in Computer Science at my University, so I won't date anyone studying the same degree, or one that's extremely similar to it (e.g. Computer Graphics). However, I could date someone studying, as an example, an Engineering Maths degree.
This may seem stupid, but my reasons are: if we study different things we would have more interest in what the other is doing, and learn more from each other, than if we studied the same thing. Also, later down the track, we won't compete professionally (e.g. go for the same job, have one of us at a higher position in the industry than the other).

I may flex these rules at a later date, but for now I like them in place.
Please note that these aren't the only things I consider when choosing a possible girlfriend (I also like similar age, some common interests, etc), these are just my personal 2 definite rules.

The second rule makes it harder for me to find someone while at my University, since I currently don't socialise with people outside my degree (not a rule, just me being shy :wink:).

I guess I'm just not sure on how to go about finding that special someone. I'm not the type of person who can just go to bars on my own, and I don't want to ask my friends to come along just for my benefit. Even if I did, I'm not sure that I'd have much success. I like to know more about who I might be asking out before I actually do it, knowledge about what kind of person they are, more than what they like. Bars are just not my scene.
My parents suggested knowing someone as a friend already, before pursuing them romantically, but I'm afraid that I'll start friendships just so I can ask them out some time, and I'll end up with a whole lot of female friends and no girlfriend. (Although you can't have too many friends)

My social circle is really small, although I'm trying to expand it this semester, so I'm not sure that a friend-of-a-friend suggestion is likely to occur.

Basically, I just want some advice. If you've been in a similar situation, or if you just have some thoughts to give, that's great. All advice is welcome (though perhaps not all advice will be accepted).

PS: In case you can't tell, I don't get out much. (I probably should)
Also, you should know that I don't have a car. I have to borrow one of my parents' cars if I want to go somewhere.
Thanks for reading this far, and sorry for the long post.
I approve of rule number one.

Number two is just BS. Most of my best friends are of the same degree, and my social circle is mainly composed of them. More later.

Basically, the best way to have women gravitate to you, is to have a strong social standing within your peer group. Pickup lines and crap is just useless, especially for us Introverts. Go out, and make friends with your fellow scientists. Go and get them all to go out for drinks together. Set up gaming nights, sports nights, whatever. Go and join some groups that you would like to join. Maybe a salsa dancing club (Girls LOVE guys that can dance). Whatever you do, get people to join you. Be the hub of your social circle. Eventually, your friends will bring friends. This is what you want. =)

Also, go and MAKE FRIENDS with some beautiful, attractive women. Accept the fact you won't have sex with them. Become FRIENDS. Birds of a feather flock together. ;)

The main key is to expand your social circle. Women will come to you, once you become the center of their social world. Make your social circle work for you. =)
 

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I agree with caius except I'd ditch both rules. Like it or not, your reasoning for #1 sounds like a mama's boy and no girl wants to date a mama's boy. Too much conflict if the relationship turns serious.

You are focusing on a girlfriend. Stop it and focus on being the best friend everyone would want to have. If you are a great friend to guys, then you will end up learning to be a great friend to girls. People like friendly people.

So get out, go do something that interests you. You aren't looking for a girl friend, you are looking for friends. If one of them turns out to be a romantic interest, so much the better.

Now, slowly back away from the computer. Pick up the phone and contact a friend or two. Go outside and meet them at the mall, a museum, the zoo, bowling alley, or whatever you agree to do. Converse with your friends and learn about them. Have fun. Repeat regularly with different sets of friends (at least twice a week) until it feels natural.

Watch what happens.:happy:
 

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I agree with the above.

Also, you can't go looking for it, you just have to let it happen. :) .Most people in relationships will tell you they found someone when they weren't specifically looking.
 

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Like others have mentioned make some good female friends, no expectations at first necessarily, even if you're hopeful with someone, and then go from there. Be confident but not cocky (not generally an issue for ISTJs though) and just learn to communicate effectively. Developing those strong female friendships could either (a) lead to a potential relationship or (b) give you women in your life who can give you specific advice based on what they know about you and possibly about other women you may be interested in.
 

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... but I'm afraid that I'll start friendships just so I can ask them out some time, and I'll end up with a whole lot of female friends and no girlfriend. (Although you can't have too many friends)
NEWSFLASH, buddy. This is the DATING GAME. =)

At first, fully expect you will never have sex with the women you are befriending. Don't even try to get with them. Just BEING around women, lots of women all the time makes you learn about them, and be more comfortable around them. Being more comfortable around women REALLY increases your chance of meeting one. Your female friends are your best ammunition for finding dates. Why? Because they have this weird underground social network that we guys aren't privy to. And if you are on the good side of some of the members of the network, they tell their friends that you're cute, and awesome, and single. And guess what? Your female friends bring their female friends. They introduce you and sparks fly, my friend.

So really, the moral of the story is to use your lower introvert social energy making friends with extroverts. Let them do the social work of bringing you suitable lady friends. If your new friends are anything like mine, they are a much better judge of female character than I am. =)
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
Thanks everybody. I didn't expect so many responses, so fast.

It looks like the overall consensus is that I should stop worrying about finding a girlfriend and just go out and make some new friends. Now that I think about it, that advice is great. I keep telling myself to find new friends, but I'm already comfortable around the ones I have and I don't really need that many, so I keep putting it off. It's about time I start getting myself out there and talking to new people.

If I start making new friends, while keeping the ones I already have, without worrying about whether they will develop into a romantic relationship, I should find (from what you've said) that one will develop naturally over time, probably without me expecting it.

Thanks again for all your advice, now comes the hard part of actually doing what I say I will.
Wish me luck.
 
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Ok, here goes...

Hi, I'm Arutha28. I'm an ISTJ and I'd like some advice on how to find a young woman to start a relationship with. I'm 19 years old and haven't had a grilfriend. I have asked girls out in the past (just 3 :blushed:) , but no successess, and I've never really had any experience in looking for someone to start a relationship with.

I currently have a couple of personal rules when it comes to dating:

1. I won't date someone who lives outside of my state (I'm from Australia btw)
This is because I love my family and I love spending time with them. Dating someone from another state would limit how much I get to see them, and I'd eventually have to choose between her state or mine :sad:.

2. I won't date anyone who works in/studies the exact same (or near enough to) field as I do.
I study for a degree in Computer Science at my University, so I won't date anyone studying the same degree, or one that's extremely similar to it (e.g. Computer Graphics). However, I could date someone studying, as an example, an Engineering Maths degree.
This may seem stupid, but my reasons are: if we study different things we would have more interest in what the other is doing, and learn more from each other, than if we studied the same thing. Also, later down the track, we won't compete professionally (e.g. go for the same job, have one of us at a higher position in the industry than the other).

I may flex these rules at a later date, but for now I like them in place.
Please note that these aren't the only things I consider when choosing a possible girlfriend (I also like similar age, some common interests, etc), these are just my personal 2 definite rules.

The second rule makes it harder for me to find someone while at my University, since I currently don't socialise with people outside my degree (not a rule, just me being shy :wink:).

I guess I'm just not sure on how to go about finding that special someone. I'm not the type of person who can just go to bars on my own, and I don't want to ask my friends to come along just for my benefit. Even if I did, I'm not sure that I'd have much success. I like to know more about who I might be asking out before I actually do it, knowledge about what kind of person they are, more than what they like. Bars are just not my scene.
My parents suggested knowing someone as a friend already, before pursuing them romantically, but I'm afraid that I'll start friendships just so I can ask them out some time, and I'll end up with a whole lot of female friends and no girlfriend. (Although you can't have too many friends)

My social circle is really small, although I'm trying to expand it this semester, so I'm not sure that a friend-of-a-friend suggestion is likely to occur.

Basically, I just want some advice. If you've been in a similar situation, or if you just have some thoughts to give, that's great. All advice is welcome (though perhaps not all advice will be accepted).

PS: In case you can't tell, I don't get out much. (I probably should)
Also, you should know that I don't have a car. I have to borrow one of my parents' cars if I want to go somewhere.
Thanks for reading this far, and sorry for the long post.
first off, be careful how you tske the notion of friend. if your the guy who she goes to for emotional support, who compliments her when she needs it and buys her stuff, your the last person she has sex with. remember that, your not her therapist.

next, dont be so picky, if your a virgin, pushing 20, you really dont need to hold onto these kind of specifics, they'll hold you back in the end. beggers cant be chosers.

third, do what you can to make yourself attractive. aside from how you dress and physical fitness, try even more to recognize unnatractive behaviour. avoid it at all costs. im going ot suggest an ebook that has caused me alot of negative feed back but it dose give insight into what all women try to avoid in a mate. its called double your dating by david deangelo.

fourth, know what to talk about. or more know what not to talk about, if you go out there with a list of things to talk about she'll pick up on it and you'll look like a dick. i used to work at a book store and occaisionally had to go to the back and get more poduct to put on display, once in the back i overheard a conversation between one of the stock guys and and this smokin hot girl who works there about how he wants to learn japanese so he can wathc his anime in its origional context. even if your date is into that dont go ahead and gush about all your nerd interests. wait until your comfortable with her and then if it cmes up, then whatever.

finally, remember that your an istj. when i started college last january, i met a girl who was obviously interested in me and regularly flirted with me, but she was way too extraverted and would always ask me to talk, and eventually took it personally and stoped talking to me. dont try to be something your not, and remember that istj's dont date a whole lot.

and if i didnt say this already, dont ever suplicate, which means dont ever try to win or buy someones affection. dont support her financially , dont pay for her drinks or food, dont go out of your way for her. the most important person in your life is you.
 

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Thanks everybody. I didn't expect so many responses, so fast.

It looks like the overall consensus is that I should stop worrying about finding a girlfriend and just go out and make some new friends. Now that I think about it, that advice is great. I keep telling myself to find new friends, but I'm already comfortable around the ones I have and I don't really need that many, so I keep putting it off. It's about time I start getting myself out there and talking to new people.

If I start making new friends, while keeping the ones I already have, without worrying about whether they will develop into a romantic relationship, I should find (from what you've said) that one will develop naturally over time, probably without me expecting it.

Thanks again for all your advice, now comes the hard part of actually doing what I say I will.
Wish me luck.
Growing is always hard, but to stagnate is to die. I am not wishing you luck, for luck will have little to do with your success. I am wishing you the resolve to follow through with your decision. That resolve will give you the success you seek.

Keep us posted.:happy:
 

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and remember that istj's dont date a whole lot.

and if i didnt say this already, dont ever suplicate, which means dont ever try to win or buy someones affection. dont support her financially , dont pay for her drinks or food, dont go out of your way for her. the most important person in your life is you.
I beg to differ.

Despite (???) being an ISTJ, I've had my fair share of dates. Some were great, some tanked. Don't be afraid or unwilling to date solely based on your personality type.

Secondly, chivalry is NOT dead; I don't care that it's 2010. While I would never want or expect someone that I was simply *dating* to "support me" financially in any way, shape, or form, if a man ASKS ME on a DATE, he'd better be prepared to pay for it. I go "Dutch" with my girlfriends. Likewise, while I am perfectly capable of opening doors on my own, I DO notice when a man does it for me, and yes, I DO appreciate it.

Label me a traditionalist if you wish, but I appreciate and embrace the differences between men and women. Both sexes are special in their own unique ways, and those differences should be celebrated :happy:
 

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I beg to differ.

Despite (???) being an ISTJ, I've had my fair share of dates. Some were great, some tanked. Don't be afraid or unwilling to date solely based on your personality type.

Secondly, chivalry is NOT dead; I don't care that it's 2010. While I would never want or expect someone that I was simply *dating* to "support me" financially in any way, shape, or form, if a man ASKS ME on a DATE, he'd better be prepared to pay for it. I go "Dutch" with my girlfriends. Likewise, while I am perfectly capable of opening doors on my own, I DO notice when a man does it for me, and yes, I DO appreciate it.

Label me a traditionalist if you wish, but I appreciate and embrace the differences between men and women. Both sexes are special in their own unique ways, and those differences should be celebrated :happy:
I'm with you on this.

Guys, pay attention. The method may be a little different generation to generation, but without fail the lady always wants to be made to feel special and to have your attention.
 

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I beg to differ.

Despite (???) being an ISTJ, I've had my fair share of dates. Some were great, some tanked. Don't be afraid or unwilling to date solely based on your personality type.

Secondly, chivalry is NOT dead; I don't care that it's 2010. While I would never want or expect someone that I was simply *dating* to "support me" financially in any way, shape, or form, if a man ASKS ME on a DATE, he'd better be prepared to pay for it. I go "Dutch" with my girlfriends. Likewise, while I am perfectly capable of opening doors on my own, I DO notice when a man does it for me, and yes, I DO appreciate it.

Label me a traditionalist if you wish, but I appreciate and embrace the differences between men and women. Both sexes are special in their own unique ways, and those differences should be celebrated :happy:
Couldn't have said it better myself. There's a major differece in a guy being a complete sucker over a girl and being a gentleman that she'll actually respect. Maybe some girls take advantage of guys who are chivalrous but they aren't worth the effort until they mature a bit. Wait it out a find a girl worth opening doors for. :wink:
 

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I beg to differ.

Despite (???) being an ISTJ, I've had my fair share of dates. Some were great, some tanked. Don't be afraid or unwilling to date solely based on your personality type.

Secondly, chivalry is NOT dead; I don't care that it's 2010. While I would never want or expect someone that I was simply *dating* to "support me" financially in any way, shape, or form, if a man ASKS ME on a DATE, he'd better be prepared to pay for it. I go "Dutch" with my girlfriends. Likewise, while I am perfectly capable of opening doors on my own, I DO notice when a man does it for me, and yes, I DO appreciate it.

Label me a traditionalist if you wish, but I appreciate and embrace the differences between men and women. Both sexes are special in their own unique ways, and those differences should be celebrated :happy:
Honestly, if I did this for every woman that I went out with, I would be a very poor young man.

For me, I never take women out on old fashioned dates. How boring, and cliche. It also turns the atmosphere into the whole, "I am courting you. Please accept my food in return for a goodnight kiss and the chance of having sex." ugh. Taking them on my adventures is always much more fun and rewarding for both of us. Opening doors and being a gentleman is one thing. Paying for dinner for someone you hardly know? Sounds manipulative to me.

Either way, I don't think he should be dating right now. He needs to expand his social circle and make a lot of friends with some ladies.

Actually, since you are in school, I know that my University has a big week festival to welcome all the new attendees. There are events, and lots of young, beautiful women, freshly separated from home and looking for new friends. I suggest you start there, and see where it goes for you. Also, I agree with the David DeAngelo stuff. It's a good place to start on your road to social success. =)
 

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I'm not sure if this has been said but before you enter the dating realm, make sure you know what you're looking for. It's important to have a deeper connection than just sharing music and movies. Having platonic relationships with girls is a good way of discovering this (it's worked for me). Understanding this ahead of time might save you some agony.

Oh, and sorry for barging in on the ISTJ thread. Just depositing my $.02.
 
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