I think from the perspective of another lazy INFP here this is a very touchy inward battle. Citicizing him outright will probably just make him defensive and further destroy his self-essteem which will make it even harder to take action. And he's probably already well aware of his laziness and the problems it could potentially be causing for his family. He's probably worried about that too. And worry can be a terrible imobilizer.
Me? I write fanfiction and look at art online all day, I play pixie hollow and organize things on my comptuer desktop. I've been doing this for a couple of years. I know the lazy-haze of life passing me by. I know the anxiety about others thinking I'm lame. I know the worry that my husband may feel overburdoned. I know the overwhelming depression of having to deal with the world out there. I know the hate and fear of having to deal with systems and people at a job that go directly against your values and ideals and the panic of clinging to the determination that you will not succumb to that. I know the inability to just choose a single direction amongst too many interests and just go for it. I know the feeling that it's so pointless to even try to reach one of those goals in this short life-span that's already half-over.
From my experience, what a lazy INFP needs:
- reassurance that they are accepted in spite of their outward failings. feeling like we have to earn people's love leads to stubborn resent, and an underlying fear of abandonment and loss of self-worth. it may be possible to scare us into action, but it will not effectively reform us and will probably just cause a meltdown in the near future because it feels like we are alone against the world.
- a purpose, a vision, a direction. Of course you can't give anyone that, but you can help them to find it, AND even more importantly, you can help encourage them to believe it's actually possible. I think a lot of times we have dreams and things we would like to be goals, but get so used to thinking that those dreams are impossible, completely detached from reality, so we just don't invest in trying to reach them, investing rather in indulging the daydream alone. The nitty-gritty details of how to make those dreams happen often aren't obvious to us, and finding them and getting the ball rolling can be very overwhelming. Helping us get going with our dreams, helping us to see options can give us the empowerment we need to actually act on those inner ideals - and once we've been activated - watch out because we won't take no for an answer! An INFP on a mission makes miricles happen.....but I think so many of us can't figrue out what mission to take up, or feel like they are all impossible.
- someone to talk through their own mental process with. Often for me, simply talking about my issues to smeone will lead to me realising and 'owning' the changes I need to make - they often don't have to say much of anything. It really has to be a 'self-help' process. You can't change anyone, they have to change themselves. Preaching at them isn't going to reform them. I think often INFPs have a lot of insights that people don't THINK they have about themselves, so they tell them which turns out to be counter-productive. Often the 'reality check' other people try to give us is something we are completely aware of internally, but have been afraid to face. Being told just puts us on the defensive, preventing us from honestly facing it for ourselves. We need to talk ourselves into following the wisdom we already know but may be afriad of facing. We need someone to be with us, supportive, listening, as we talk through our inner struggles with what we see about ourselves, what we worry about, what we're afraid of. You can give helpfull suggestions, and empathize. But telling us what to do isn't helpfull, not untill we ASK you to tell us (and generally for me when I ask someone to tell me what to do that means I have shut down personally and am now entering zombie-mode - this is not healthy living even if it makes other people think I am living the way they want to see me live - although sometimes this can help me get though momentary un-enjoyable necessary tasks). Anyways, you have to make youself available to listen, and show that you are 'safe' by being empathetic, in order to allow an INFP to decide to open up and talk through things with you.
- personal confidence. Living up to people's expectations of me is a great motivator - much better than trying not to make them disappointed. If someone praises my work and encourages me I feel a greater desire to keep doing whatever it is, to strive to do my best at it so that they will continue to be impressed. Pointing out what I have done right makes me work even harder. Pointing out where I haven't done as well as you think I could will only make me discouraged and defensive. I think feeling unappreciated and down on ourselves is a HUGE demotivator for INFPs. If we are in a state of lazy-lack-luster, chances are we feel like there's no point in trying because we're not going to be good at anything we might do anyways. When we feel positive about our abilities, when we are anticipating the approval of others, then DOING stuff is much much more attractive.
- finally, I think INFP laziness can also happen from just getting in the habit of letting yourself get side-tracked constantly. Time can really fly when you're doing all these little side-jobs, all these little things like checking your email, and organizing those DVDs, and reading one more article that looks interesting. It's so easy to not have time for the things you really want to do because you let yourself get busy with other less important things first. So from one INFP to another, I'd tell him to take the time to write down things he wants to get done, and actually make note of the most important ones. Then start with those. It's hard. It's very very hard sometimes, but getting started with the most important things, really does seem to be a key in moving forward. Of course someone else telling me to to this, never helped, I had to come to the conclusion myself. But, at least for me I tend to be a little more receptive to what other INFPs have to say.
I get defensive when people imply they are disappointed in me that I'm not persuing my own dreams full throttle - I'm like, it's MY dream I'll follow it however I choose. But, honestly, I really need encouragment - not nagging - genuine encouragement when it comes to my dreams. I need people to tell me they think I'm capable, that my goal is possible, and I need them to prove that they care enough to actually HELP me with it. Nagging is not helping.
