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My older INFJ sister (age 25) is engaged to a guy that I think is an INFP, though a very immature one, and I’m really worried about their relationship.
A bit of background first: My siblings and I (there are lots of us) were raised in a fundamentalist Christian home. The crazy strict rules and the expectation to mindlessly accept everything our parents told us has had lasting negative effects on all of our personalities, but we all handled things differently. Me and (I’ll call her Persephone. She’d like that) handled it in similar ways; we both became much more timid than we otherwise would have been and both were very religious, though she always took it more seriously. She even went to school to be a missionary.
A couple years back, a bunch of us started questioning things and finally started thinking for ourselves and headed off on our own religious/non-religious paths. She converted to Orthodox Christianity. By this time I had started flourishing and actually being myself and it felt good. I was excited to see her do the same.
But then she met “Nate.” She met Nate within a month or two of all the religious questioning and dropping out of Bible school. He was her first boyfriend and she fell head over heels for him and was talking about marriage within a few months of dating. I was worried because I have more dating experience and I know how it feels to be completely 110% in love with someone and convinced you’ll marry them and then realize in a few years that you are terrible together. I think it’s really important to understand that you can feel intense love for someone, but that doesn’t mean they are “the one.”
That was concerning enough. Then we met him. He’s…nice? Ehh, not even nice. I honestly cannot think of one redeeming quality about him. He mumbles everything he says so that I have to either keep asking “What?” or just pretend I heard him and say “Uh huh...Yeah.” He’s rude and interrupts people with whatever he’s mumbling. He’s very pretentious and stupid, which is a terrible combination. He’s not good looking at all. And worst of all, he can be a bit controlling and my sister never pushes back. If everyone’s sitting around having a deep conversation, Persephone will be sharing her thoughts and he’ll interrupt and say what he feels and she’ll immediately back down and say, “Okay, you’re probably right.” Even weirder, he likes to play with her hair while we’re talking, but not in an affectionate way. He’ll sit there and run his whole hand through her hair and tug hard at tangles until her whole head is jerking back. She acts like nothing’s happening. I’d yell at my boyfriend if he did that to me!! It seems like she’s afraid to tell him no in front of us. I can understand that to some extent, but what worries me is that this is a habit of his that she obviously hasn’t told him off for even in private.
I brought up the religious past because she seems to have a lot of reverence for him and it freaks me out. It seems like she took all the devotion she once had for God and projected that on Nate. She puts him on a pedestal as if he can do no wrong. When he does really screw up she brushes it off as a little mistake he made. She seems to value him much more than she values herself. She told us once that what she loved most about him is, “The way he knows what I’m thinking even when I don’t. He explains it to me in a way that makes so much more sense. The way he councils me…”
I think it’s a mixture of reverence and pity. She definitely feels sorry for him. She knows a lot of us don’t like him and that makes her even more determined to love him. She told me one time when I was expressing my concerns, “I’m sure if we broke up, I could find someone out there who’s better for me, but would that be as meaningful?” She’s also said that it’s more meaningful to love someone who’s hard to love. I admire her compassion, but it really concerns me that she’s applying all this to a romantic relationship. It's not a good idea to marry someone you consider "hard to love." By her logic, their relationship would be even more meaningful if he abused her.
I’m really concerned about her. I know she’s got a very rich inner world, like myself, and I can see that in her. What I can’t understand is how that doesn’t lead to more independent thought. It’s like she got used to the idea of basing all her thoughts off of a book and she doesn’t know how not to do that, so she bases it off of what he says and what her new church says.
The wedding is in 16 days and I just feel so sad for her. I feel like there’s so much more she could be if she could just think for herself, but it’s like she doesn’t even know how to. There’s no way they’re not getting married at this point, but is there any advice/perspective I can get? How can I help her even after they’re married?
A bit of background first: My siblings and I (there are lots of us) were raised in a fundamentalist Christian home. The crazy strict rules and the expectation to mindlessly accept everything our parents told us has had lasting negative effects on all of our personalities, but we all handled things differently. Me and (I’ll call her Persephone. She’d like that) handled it in similar ways; we both became much more timid than we otherwise would have been and both were very religious, though she always took it more seriously. She even went to school to be a missionary.
A couple years back, a bunch of us started questioning things and finally started thinking for ourselves and headed off on our own religious/non-religious paths. She converted to Orthodox Christianity. By this time I had started flourishing and actually being myself and it felt good. I was excited to see her do the same.
But then she met “Nate.” She met Nate within a month or two of all the religious questioning and dropping out of Bible school. He was her first boyfriend and she fell head over heels for him and was talking about marriage within a few months of dating. I was worried because I have more dating experience and I know how it feels to be completely 110% in love with someone and convinced you’ll marry them and then realize in a few years that you are terrible together. I think it’s really important to understand that you can feel intense love for someone, but that doesn’t mean they are “the one.”
That was concerning enough. Then we met him. He’s…nice? Ehh, not even nice. I honestly cannot think of one redeeming quality about him. He mumbles everything he says so that I have to either keep asking “What?” or just pretend I heard him and say “Uh huh...Yeah.” He’s rude and interrupts people with whatever he’s mumbling. He’s very pretentious and stupid, which is a terrible combination. He’s not good looking at all. And worst of all, he can be a bit controlling and my sister never pushes back. If everyone’s sitting around having a deep conversation, Persephone will be sharing her thoughts and he’ll interrupt and say what he feels and she’ll immediately back down and say, “Okay, you’re probably right.” Even weirder, he likes to play with her hair while we’re talking, but not in an affectionate way. He’ll sit there and run his whole hand through her hair and tug hard at tangles until her whole head is jerking back. She acts like nothing’s happening. I’d yell at my boyfriend if he did that to me!! It seems like she’s afraid to tell him no in front of us. I can understand that to some extent, but what worries me is that this is a habit of his that she obviously hasn’t told him off for even in private.
I brought up the religious past because she seems to have a lot of reverence for him and it freaks me out. It seems like she took all the devotion she once had for God and projected that on Nate. She puts him on a pedestal as if he can do no wrong. When he does really screw up she brushes it off as a little mistake he made. She seems to value him much more than she values herself. She told us once that what she loved most about him is, “The way he knows what I’m thinking even when I don’t. He explains it to me in a way that makes so much more sense. The way he councils me…”
I think it’s a mixture of reverence and pity. She definitely feels sorry for him. She knows a lot of us don’t like him and that makes her even more determined to love him. She told me one time when I was expressing my concerns, “I’m sure if we broke up, I could find someone out there who’s better for me, but would that be as meaningful?” She’s also said that it’s more meaningful to love someone who’s hard to love. I admire her compassion, but it really concerns me that she’s applying all this to a romantic relationship. It's not a good idea to marry someone you consider "hard to love." By her logic, their relationship would be even more meaningful if he abused her.
I’m really concerned about her. I know she’s got a very rich inner world, like myself, and I can see that in her. What I can’t understand is how that doesn’t lead to more independent thought. It’s like she got used to the idea of basing all her thoughts off of a book and she doesn’t know how not to do that, so she bases it off of what he says and what her new church says.
The wedding is in 16 days and I just feel so sad for her. I feel like there’s so much more she could be if she could just think for herself, but it’s like she doesn’t even know how to. There’s no way they’re not getting married at this point, but is there any advice/perspective I can get? How can I help her even after they’re married?
