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Discussion Starter #1
I'm a coward, I know. I just want to gather as many info as possible before deciding what to do.

But, just hypothetically. How do you reckon is the right way to win a brand-new-single former ESFJ lover?

Cheers!
 

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There's a lot to consider... Such as why you two are no longer lovers, if they're ready for anything this soon after becoming single, if they even have an interest in getting back together with a past lover, etc.

I don't expect you to open up with these reasons on the forum, but it's impossible to give a catch-all response. Like for me, I'll never in a million years get back together with an ex. Doesn't matter if we stayed friends or not, I just am not interested. However, my ESFJ friend broke up with someone and a couple of years later they were both at a party and, with the help of alcohol, had a long heart to heart and got back together. They're engaged now, too.

I'd be honest with him about why you want to ignite an old flame. Or show off personality traits that he finds attractive. I don't really know what else to say.
 

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I dont think it is possible to get back a lost ESFJ.
Not all healthy like anyhow.

The one trump card you have is that you know them already.
This could help undermine their emotions and use a tricky manipulation
of their and your feelings to cunningly trick them back.

I dont think that is what you are looking for though.

Once scorned and/or abandoned an ESFJ will rarely allow that cancer
back in their lives.

There are always exceptions for sure. But I dont know the deets so I cant say for certain.

My wife, ESFJ wrote off her best friend of 30 years and has not looked back as that
friend was causing contention for the larger group of friends. As an example.

This is certainly not to say ESFJ do not forgive. They just never forget. Ever.

Good luck my fellow ENTP.
 

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That's my only caveat - we never forget, so on the one hand, we'll remember the good times, but on the other hand, if you don't want to hear about what you did in 2015 when you get him mad in 2018, steer clear. Otherwise, probably the best way to get him back is to do whatever you did he liked during the first go-round and try to remind him of those good times - he'll get all squishy thinking about the fun you had and next thing you know...:wink:

This has, in fact, worked on me.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Things didn't work out mainly because my mind was (is) always on the go, always planning to go somewhere else. I was planning on moving away from our hometown and in fact I did. I lived in another country for a year and when I came back he had a girlfriend. He's always seen me, and in fact I've always been, quite unstable in terms of residency. I'm still a free spirit who wants to wander around and live in different parts of the world at the same time, but now I need to stick to my hometown because of family business. I would like to make that clear to him, that I would like to take advantage of the fact that I am living in my hometown and thus I am able to see him and maybe take it to the next level.
Any advice on how?
 

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@olonny

The best way to show most ESFJ anything is through attrition. Out the gate they
will always give you the benefit of the doubt but they will need to see some real time put into
your conviction.

Even within your post your heart still rests with being a free spirit. It is palpable.
Saying items like ..I am hanging around because my family and business needs me..
Is not something I would roll with. Even if that is the reason. To me and most
certainly to an ESFJ that reads as this .. I am here because I HAVE to be....


ESFJ like straight up commitment with choices. They like it laid bare.
Intentions are to be on solid footing. Wishy washy and even leaving the door
open a crack for flightiness is something they will pick up on and not
like very much.


On the absolute plus side. It sounds as if when this relationship broke
up in the past it was not over very dramatic reasons. Which is good.
That is much easier to reconcile for most ESFJ. Young lady wanting to go
out and spread her wings. I mean it sucks when it happens but at the
end of the day it was you being true to you. They get that.

Work slow, be honest..be patient. If you mean to prove something to this
ESFJ in as far as commitment goes? It is going to take time, actions and
words. Proof. The burden of which lies with you.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
@olonny

The best way to show most ESFJ anything is through attrition. Out the gate they
will always give you the benefit of the doubt but they will need to see some real time put into
your conviction.

Even within your post your heart still rests with being a free spirit. It is palpable.
Saying items like ..I am hanging around because my family and business needs me..
Is not something I would roll with. Even if that is the reason. To me and most
certainly to an ESFJ that reads as this .. I am here because I HAVE to be....


ESFJ like straight up commitment with choices. They like it laid bare.
Intentions are to be on solid footing. Wishy washy and even leaving the door
open a crack for flightiness is something they will pick up on and not
like very much.


On the absolute plus side. It sounds as if when this relationship broke
up in the past it was not over very dramatic reasons. Which is good.
That is much easier to reconcile for most ESFJ. Young lady wanting to go
out and spread her wings. I mean it sucks when it happens but at the
end of the day it was you being true to you. They get that.

Work slow, be honest..be patient. If you mean to prove something to this
ESFJ in as far as commitment goes? It is going to take time, actions and
words. Proof. The burden of which lies with you.
You are so right. That's basically the reason this is first just a hypothesis and I want to know what would be before actually doing something. Cheers!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
A bit of an update in here.

So time has passed, I've talked with the ESFJ in the past three months more than we've talked in the last two years -- talked about life, and what we've done and stuff like that, not about the two of us, or feelings or whatnot - mostly online; fb, instagram, whatsapp. And we happened to run into each other twice in a bar (a bar in which we both knew the other one was going to be). The first time, alcohol played an important role and we ended up making out. The second time, he ended up at my place - and that was last Saturday.

It's pretty obvious there is attraction there, there has always been, but we haven't talked at all about feelings, or what this is or where we are heading or anything at all. I really don't know how to handle it with him. ENTPs are horrible at expressing their feelings and I'm a very typical ENTP for that. I just told him I would like to go get a coffee with him some time soon, so he should just tell me when he's available or whenever he wants to. I figure that's a very vague offer for an ESFJ and that I should suggest a more specific date?
I'm just going with the flow, no planning, improvising - just my usual way, mostly waiting for the other part to do something. But I'm starting to realize that is not the way for things to work out with this ESFJ.


Thoughts?
 

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Things didn't work out mainly because my mind was (is) always on the go, always planning to go somewhere else. I was planning on moving away from our hometown and in fact I did. I lived in another country for a year and when I came back he had a girlfriend. He's always seen me, and in fact I've always been, quite unstable in terms of residency. I'm still a free spirit who wants to wander around and live in different parts of the world at the same time, but now I need to stick to my hometown because of family business. I would like to make that clear to him, that I would like to take advantage of the fact that I am living in my hometown and thus I am able to see him and maybe take it to the next level.
Hi Olonny! Thanks for the update! I agree with the comments made by others above about how ESFJs may forgive but never forget. Sounds like the only real reason for the break-up though was your need to be elsewhere and travel etc. This is something that perhaps could be overcome. However, I have to say that by the sounds of your post above it sounds like you'll always be this free spirit and long for excitement / being elsewhere. You say things like now that you "need to stick around my hometown because of family and business" and that you might as well "take advantage of the fact that I'm living in my hometown" to date that guy again etc.... as an ESFJ myself, these phrases really rub me the wrong way. To me they feel translated like this: "I'm still a free sprit looking to get out of this town as soon as something better comes up. While I'm here though killing time, we may as well date and see where it goes. But I could move on and leave you in the dust at a drop of the hat if a better opportunity came up to travel and live elsewhere, so don't say I didn't warn you and get your feelings all hurt. You game?" ......... umm.... no, not really.

That said, I am married to an INTP and we have moved all over the country every few years (as well as overseas) but it always looks something like this: my husband finds a great opportunity that requires us to move, my first reaction is to get totally nervous and want to fight the change and say no, then I research a ton and question everything in order to come up with plans for our new life (=trying to put structure on the unknown so I feel better), he spends forever going through scenarios with me and helping me see it will all be okay and that he can be responsible and this isn't just some whimsical we're going to live on the streets thing, once I see we are going to be okay and have some plans in place only then I get excited about the move. Basically, it takes a lot of reassurance and helping an ESFJ plan / bring structure to unknowns for us to lower our stress about something and be on board with big life changes. But the hopeful part is this: we can be on board with big changes, it just takes convincing and time.

I say this because your ESFJ may be able to travel the world with you but it's never going to be this care free "free spirited" spontaneous "yes, let's just go move to Italy!" kind of response. If you think that'll be a buzz kill for the rest of your life (if you're thinking long term) then that's something to consider before trying to reignite the flame. I get there's a strong attraction there, you just need to decide if you're willing to have someone always seem to be putting the stops on your creative brainstorming wild spirit ways and asking you to explain it, structure it, defend it, etc. If that cramps your style long term that's something to consider.... in the end we really value stability and consistency and while we can do change, it's not where we like to live for long without a new plan.

.... if the reason you all broke up is because you were being you and he couldn't handle it.... then you may have your answer.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thanks for the input @SummerRoads! That is precisely why I haven't fully committed to a decision yet.
 
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