I know INFJ's easily get drained by people. What are some tips to non-INFJ types that would keep them from being a drainer? If someone takes an interest in you, what can they do to show that interest and yet not suck all the energy out of you?
How to keep an INFJ from being "drained?"
[INFJ]
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Other N's.
S's will suck the life out of me faster than most.
TWitch
S's will suck the life out of me faster than most.
TWitch
What could an S change that could make that different for you? Any specific examples?
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I think it depends on the INFJ,
S's do not particularly drain me more than anyone else
I enjoy them
but then if look down there VVVV
my SI is actually pretty high...my second function in fact
so that might be why....
I'd say one way, that is depending on how much time you actually want to be around an INFJ
incorporate yourself in their daily life,
for example my ISFJ husband and my INFP sister do not drain me in fact I'd choose to be around one of them rather than being by myself (granted they are the only two people in my life, I can actually say they do not drain me)
get to the point where you are extremely comfortable around each other, I'm trying to think of a good example of just how comfortable I mean and the only things I can think of is
so comfortable to the point where you would forget to shut the bathroom door O_O lol or comfortably walk around in your pajamas/boxers
or openly cry about whats bothering you
(careful though...some people may find things like those ^^^^ inappropriate lol)
for me to not be drained by someone, I have to know that the other person is that comfortable around me, and in them being that comfortable, it automatically gives me permission to be, and so their presence doesn't drain me anymore because really, I could do anything I want and it be ok, wouldn't have to worry or anything like that so...
it'd be like I was by myself, only I'd have company
S's do not particularly drain me more than anyone else
I enjoy them
but then if look down there VVVV
my SI is actually pretty high...my second function in fact
so that might be why....
I'd say one way, that is depending on how much time you actually want to be around an INFJ
incorporate yourself in their daily life,
for example my ISFJ husband and my INFP sister do not drain me in fact I'd choose to be around one of them rather than being by myself (granted they are the only two people in my life, I can actually say they do not drain me)
get to the point where you are extremely comfortable around each other, I'm trying to think of a good example of just how comfortable I mean and the only things I can think of is
so comfortable to the point where you would forget to shut the bathroom door O_O lol or comfortably walk around in your pajamas/boxers
or openly cry about whats bothering you
(careful though...some people may find things like those ^^^^ inappropriate lol)
for me to not be drained by someone, I have to know that the other person is that comfortable around me, and in them being that comfortable, it automatically gives me permission to be, and so their presence doesn't drain me anymore because really, I could do anything I want and it be ok, wouldn't have to worry or anything like that so...
it'd be like I was by myself, only I'd have company
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Think ahead, be more aware of the consequences, think things through, I'm tired of saving their hides.
Stop being so physical and shallow and get into your head a little more. The greater your thought process the less likely I am to be irritated/frustrated by you.
A heavy T in an S is somewhat of a relief for me, but only if its tempered by experience.
An immature STP will drive me mad. An immature SFP will nearly make me homicidal.
Twitch
Introverts rarely drain my energy regardless of whether they're S's or N's. I love extroverts; hypothetically speaking, I might consider marrying one one day, who knows? It's mostly super extroverted people with "ants in their pants" that drain me, because they feel that they always need to be talking for the sake of filling the void of silence. I can take inane small talk for only so long, then my brain goes on vacation and I'm light years away, I see the mouth flapping but all I hear is white noise.
I find my ESFJ mom and my ENFJ friend, as much as I love their company, when I'm around them for several hours straight especially if I'm around one of them and they're on one of those high energy exuberant days, I get so tired I can't even think straight. Especially true of my ENFJ friend, because he's very much in touch with his Se; he can look at an object make a witty comment on it and be on to the next topic before I even saw what the object was; his brain is works, like, tachyon fast.
I guess if I'm around anyone who kind of expects me to be alert and be on and respond! respond! respond! tires me fast; that's why I think the ENFJ especially tires me, because unlike some of my other extrovert friends that just talk mostly to vent and don't really expect people to respond to what they're saying save the occasional "uh huh", he expects his conversations and interactions with people to be very interactive and he expects me to pay attention to what he's saying the first time and to have something smart to say on command just about, because he gets visibly irritated with me when he senses that I'm zoning out sometimes, even though he tries to cover it over by saying "I have to remember not everyone is as observant as I am". It's very exhausting.
btw: I never find my ISTJ friends draining, my ESTJ friends maybe, because they're so high energy and exuberant, but most of my ISTJ friends are not very chatty at all. They're pretty much straight and to the point when it comes to conversation, but most of them are extremely helpful to me especially when I'm in a bind, and are taken aback whenever I want to give them something or do something for them in return.
I find my ESFJ mom and my ENFJ friend, as much as I love their company, when I'm around them for several hours straight especially if I'm around one of them and they're on one of those high energy exuberant days, I get so tired I can't even think straight. Especially true of my ENFJ friend, because he's very much in touch with his Se; he can look at an object make a witty comment on it and be on to the next topic before I even saw what the object was; his brain is works, like, tachyon fast.
I guess if I'm around anyone who kind of expects me to be alert and be on and respond! respond! respond! tires me fast; that's why I think the ENFJ especially tires me, because unlike some of my other extrovert friends that just talk mostly to vent and don't really expect people to respond to what they're saying save the occasional "uh huh", he expects his conversations and interactions with people to be very interactive and he expects me to pay attention to what he's saying the first time and to have something smart to say on command just about, because he gets visibly irritated with me when he senses that I'm zoning out sometimes, even though he tries to cover it over by saying "I have to remember not everyone is as observant as I am". It's very exhausting.
btw: I never find my ISTJ friends draining, my ESTJ friends maybe, because they're so high energy and exuberant, but most of my ISTJ friends are not very chatty at all. They're pretty much straight and to the point when it comes to conversation, but most of them are extremely helpful to me especially when I'm in a bind, and are taken aback whenever I want to give them something or do something for them in return.
I am certainly no expert on INFJs, but I would think that for other types to not drain out an INFJ, they would have to:
-- not have (social) expectations that make an INFJ feel obligated to go along/do something they may not want to do
-- not exacerbate their inferior Se by not exposing them to too much external stimuli (like a group of high-energy, chatty people).
-- be straight-forward but considerate in what you mean, so there's no mixed-signals that Ni could get confused about and injury to Fe is less.
INFJs, what do you think?
-- not have (social) expectations that make an INFJ feel obligated to go along/do something they may not want to do
-- not exacerbate their inferior Se by not exposing them to too much external stimuli (like a group of high-energy, chatty people).
-- be straight-forward but considerate in what you mean, so there's no mixed-signals that Ni could get confused about and injury to Fe is less.
INFJs, what do you think?
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Be yourself, because if I want to build a friendship with you it won't be because you're acting uncomfortable from holding back parts of your personality. Getting that vibe from you would drain me.
1. This is a good general guideline and not so much type specific I think.
2. Actually, this may not be too huge of a problem. The thing about dominant Ni, inferior Se is that it's actually drowning out that crap—Ni is usually said to be "exclusive" as opposed to Ne's inclusive, exploratory mindset (to a certain extent I believe this is probably true of Si and Se). The things you think are bothering the Ni dom may in fact be going completely over her head. The way Se explosions manifest tend to be when this tendency is brought into the light and openly attacked.
In this sense, it's not so much dealing with fact that is offensive to Ni, because each individual is ultimately oriented somewhat by concrete data. It's when the Ni user is not allowed to apply meaning or interpret anything on an abstract level that you will notice problems surfacing. Key point at least for me personally: Don't ever shut me down with "That's just the way it is and there's no use thinking about these things [in alternative ways]."
3. Yes, I really would rather people tell me things plainly a lot of the time (number one thing that irks me in a conversation is when people can't answer my questions "yes" or "no" or pick one of the choices I give). The common idea seems to be that N wants to hear more N "threads" when it's kind of like... well, I've already got that side of it going on in my head, I don't need more of it flowing into my ear canal.
Good points though, really made me think.
I agree with you on the point about shutting down Ni. I think inferior Se could manifest in a number of ways, though. Both in the "That's just the way it is" way you mentioned, and the external stimuli way. I would think that too much external stimuli would make it difficult for Ni to properly find meaning also.
Another thought: INFJs take in external concrete data through Fe, not through Se (as with ISPs). Ni-Fe finds meaning for social harmony/self-expression. Se, combined with tert-Ti, creates a detached analysis for what simply is in a present moment, which is degenerating since it is the opposite of Ni-Fe.
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I get easily drained around a person for one of three reasons:
1. They are needy, emotionally unbalanced, and insist on using me as a free therapist; or
2. I don't know them well enough to be comfortable around them yet, and I'm feeling anxious because I'm trying to think of things to say; or
3. I have largely negative interactions with that person.
With the people I'm closest to, I have a bit more stamina - I can spend a lot more time with them before I need to go off and recharge. And when I do need that, I just tell them that. Most of my friends are introverted, so they get it and don't take it personally. With some of my extrovert friends, I actually have to explain why I feel this way because it confuses them, and I don't want them to think I'm "tired of them."
I can't speak for other INFJs, but I don't get drained from people who simply let me be myself. It doesn't matter if they're S or N types at all (I suspect my brother is ISTJ and he's one of the best people I know), and S types in general can have a "grounding" effect on me that gets me out if my own head for awhile, which, sometimes, I desperately need.
1. They are needy, emotionally unbalanced, and insist on using me as a free therapist; or
2. I don't know them well enough to be comfortable around them yet, and I'm feeling anxious because I'm trying to think of things to say; or
3. I have largely negative interactions with that person.
With the people I'm closest to, I have a bit more stamina - I can spend a lot more time with them before I need to go off and recharge. And when I do need that, I just tell them that. Most of my friends are introverted, so they get it and don't take it personally. With some of my extrovert friends, I actually have to explain why I feel this way because it confuses them, and I don't want them to think I'm "tired of them."
I can't speak for other INFJs, but I don't get drained from people who simply let me be myself. It doesn't matter if they're S or N types at all (I suspect my brother is ISTJ and he's one of the best people I know), and S types in general can have a "grounding" effect on me that gets me out if my own head for awhile, which, sometimes, I desperately need.
That's not true. INFJ's DO take in concrete data through Se... how else do you think they get it? They make external value judgements on Fe. Fe is not an information gatherer. We primarily take data in through Ni itself, and it's usually correct. But sometimes a bit off, hence the inferior Se. N-S are on the same "scale" of psychological preferences. They both get information. F/T makes decisions based on that information.
Actually, I don't think that is how your analysis works at all, INFJ, like all other types use all 8 functions, some are just used more than others. Just most of the time we are going to be functioning in Ni mode...and getting out of Ni mode might prove almost impossible, it's ALWAYS there. It should be our preferred function, and the one we operate best in. It's generally so developed, that it can be used for concrete data as we are pattern seeking, and that data will just fit a pattern unless an anomaly. That is how we "know" it's right without having to necessarily apply a T/F function to it, we already saw it fit the pattern/mold if you will. Now if a CRITICAL DECISION had to me made, we'd usually value social harmony repercussions 1st (Fe) then thinking about it 2nd (Ti)
This is really good advice.
I really don't have too much trouble with 'sensory overload.' I'm usually happy to just kind of hang out in the background and take it all in and listen. What I DO have a problem with is people trying to drag me into the chatty chatty over and over and over. I'm okay with a little bit of inclusion, but if I'm not really interested in the conversation, and someones trying to force me to keep talking, that'll sap my energy right away because I'm forced to think up answers to crap that I really really don't care about. XD
As for some other things:
-Respect our alone time. We need it, and it doesn't mean we don't like you when we just want some time to chill to ourselves.
-Constant, incessant complaining/whining/b*tching is a HUGE turnoff and drainer. I can handle hearing you had a rough day, and I want to hear you had a rough day...but if all you want to do is complain and not ever get out of your spiral of negativity, find someone else.
-Drama: Keep. It. Away. From. Me.
-Shallow conversation. Having to come up with shallow-nonsense talk takes the energy out of me. I can do light-hearted funny conversations, and deep discussions with anyone can actually energize me.
-Most of all, just realize whatever you do IMPACTS them in some way if they are invested in you at all. Granted, if I don't care about someone I can just flip the emotion meter to "off" and all I hear is annoying white noise coming from them. But if an INFJ is actually interested in you, if you're in a bad mood: you're going to put them in a bad/worried mood. If you're in a good mood, they'll be in a good mood. Don't be a monster around them and expect them to be pleasant, and don't put them in a position (like in public) where they'll feel they "have" to be. Treat them like a mirror or a karma dispenser: what you put out to them you're going to get back, short and long term.
Can you give me an example of this?
Thanks for the correction -- there's a reason why I shouldn't be writing forum posts at 3am!
Agreed. I apologize if I made it seem like INFJs only used four functions. As to my analysis -- I'm not sure I am able to articulate coherently my thoughts yet (and they're only thoughts, not theory). I agree I messed up with the Fe-information-gathering thing, but that wasn't the point what I was trying to say... I will think about it more first. (it would also be tangential to this forum thread anyways).
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Well thats hard because to be honest mostly everyone drains me eventually. I don't know if other infjs agree but personally I think istjs definitely don't drain me as much as a lot of other types. To not drain us just try to give us some space for a little while. Normally we enjoy being around people for periods of time but then we begin to feel drained. One thing that stops me from being drained is having a meaningful discussion with someone or sometimes planning something can help.
This. I have an ISFP friend I've known for years and the mental comfort the friendship brings me is like a Hästens boxpring with an eiderdown duvet. I mean, I never feel like I have to do something. The only thing less draining than being with her would be actually lying in bed. Of course, I still tell witty stories and everything like friends do, but it's not like it's a demand. No pressure.
Is this true with a SO as well?
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I realize this question was not directed at me but I couldn't resist:
"Why did you cough like that? Were you trying to tell me what I said was out of line, or weird, or inappropriate, or something?"
"I have bronchitis."
I just wanted to address the idea that we all have 8 functions. I believe having 4 functions is enough to explain everything. The functions don't act on their own when we think, they are working together constantly. The simplest explanation is to say that we use 4 functions and that at certain times the way the cooperate seems like we use the other functions. Ni and Se together could look like Si or Ne depending on the circumstances. Just something to think about.
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