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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi,
I just want to share to story in a couple of words and get some advise because I do not know what to do.
My boyfriend and I are living together for 4 months. Recently I noticed that he became cold and aggressive to me sometimes.And I hear the messages are constantly coming to his phone.Maybe I'm too jealous and paranoid but I think he's cheating...
I can't talk to him about it cause I don't know for sure, maybe it's only my imagination and he will be even more mad at me. Found a lot of info on how to spy on him with a lot of different spying tools. They kind of help to read the messages on his phone secretly but I don't know whether it's worth it.
Or maybe you have other options what to do?
But please, don't write "just talk to him" cause it's not so easy for me.:( I won't do it till I'm sure that he has an affair.
 

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Is the sex worse or better compared to when you started hanging out?

Accusing the partner of cheating is the worst thing you can do to the relationship. Few likes paranoid people.
You have no right to go thru his phone.

TALK WITH HIM! If he responds aggressive without listening, I suggest leave him.

I'm inclined to think, if I had a secretly paranoid GF I would throw her out. Regardless of wether she's right or not.
 
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If you aren't able to learn to communicate with each other and have to resort to hiding things from each other and spying on one another, then maybe the relationship isn't worth it. Just my two cents. Yeah, it's not easy to start that conversation, but if you're already unable to work through communication problems together now, it's not going to get any easier in the future. And if he is aggressive and responds to your attempts to communicate with him with hostility, it's in your own best interest to stop investing your time there. Communication is a two-way street and if both parties aren't willing to work on it, it's only going to increase in friction before it falls apart. Better to test the waters now. If you guys can't work through this together then don't waste your own time.
 

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^And I'm definitely not telling you what to do, it's just something to think about. You know yourself and your relationship dynamic best. Just prodding you to consider: how many functional, lasting relationships do you know of where the couple is unable to communicate and hides things from each other?
 

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Could you elaborate on your living condition? I know you said you've been living with your BF for 4 months, but are you renting or leasing? I'm assuming you're renting, but I just want to make sure. If you 2 are splitting the rent (50/50), then that solidifies things somewhat. If you 2 are splitting the rent, then he can't kick you to the curbside and vice versa. Aside from him getting mad at you for accusing him of cheating on you, there really Isn't much else he can do short of him physically assaulting you. Unfortunately, there Isn't a one size fits all solution to your problem. You could "spy" on him, but what would that really accomplish in the end? It all boils down to how much you value yourself. Part of being in a relationship is learning how to sacrifice your wants for the other person's needs. The problem I see in most "relationships" these days is that you always have one party exploiting the other. That's not "love". That's emotional extortion. If the thought of talking to your boyfriend about infidelity causes you more emotional distress than actually having the conversation itself, you need to get out. Don't be in a relationship just because society pressures you into thinking it's the "norm".
 

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He could be cheating on you. Or he could be having private conversations that he needs to have with friends that he doesn't want you to read. Most people say things to their best friends and go for help but don't want their partner reading those conversations.

The main point is that if you get all this "spy ware" and violate his trust and privacy, you are already 100% in the wrong. It may be he is cheating on you and then it is 50/50, or it may be a reasonable explanation and he will have to think long and hard about if he wants to be with someone he can't trust. If you find out something, you would have to reveal how you know remember.

If this is a partner you can't talk to - to the extreme of what you are talking about doing - then that's quite a problem. Everyone has hard conversations with their partner - uncomfortable ones, ones where they are worried what they say will upset their partner. The reason you can have these conversations is that you trust each other, and each other's perception and support.

If you do want to know what is in the messages, tell him how he has been making you feel. Try to get him to acknowledge and explain it. If you really aren't having success, you can say that the behavior is so out of the norm you need something to allay your fears, and you would like him to show you the messages. Either way, at least you aren't the bad guy.
 

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Hi,
I just want to share to story in a couple of words and get some advise because I do not know what to do.
My boyfriend and I are living together for 4 months. Recently I noticed that he became cold and aggressive to me sometimes.And I hear the messages are constantly coming to his phone.Maybe I'm too jealous and paranoid but I think he's cheating...
I can't talk to him about it cause I don't know for sure, maybe it's only my imagination and he will be even more mad at me. Found a lot of info on how to spy on him on this site www.mspylite.com/ and a lot of different spying tools. They kind of help to read the messages on his phone secretly but I don't know whether it's worth it. Have you ever used it?
Or maybe you have other options what to do?
But please, don't write "just talk to him" cause it's not so easy for me. I won't do it till I'm sure that he has an affair.
He is cold and aggressive and you are afraid that he would get more mad at you? Your boyfriend is supposed to be the person whom you feel the most comfortable around, not the person whom you feel afraid around. This sounds like the classic red flags of a potential abuser. RUN.
 

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Take it from someone who's been with a person unsure about his own "preferences" and trying to convince himself he wanted a serious relationship (no, he didn't) because he'd be better viewed this way. Don't talk to him only, talk to yourself as well, but don't overindulge in fantasies about what he could do but is not. You don't need to play the role of the investigator. Cheaters rarely change, remember that. Desperation will be the only one "forcing" them to change, like family pressure or age and fear of remaining alone, but until then, they will be treating people like toys. But let's assume he has not cheated before, no that you know of.

If you've already reached that level where where your partner's answers don't calm you down at all and make you doubt his ability to commit, then it's not easy to save. If your partner truly cared about you (or if he went through this before himself) he would understand how much damage lack of trust has and try to fix it if he feels like he is the problem. There's no such thing in a relationship as "ohhh I never doubted my partner in anything, ever". We're all humans and this will happen. But if it's something that persists or reappears, there may be gestures, tones of voice, attitudes from him that you take as indicators of non-commitment, whether you like it or not, some may not match what you want or desire. Before proceeding think what would happen if you switched the roles (making up a new scenario below) and you were in his shoes with his life and problems, whatever he has.
If your boyfriend started getting the wrong idea about you and say a friend of yours, would you try to help him get over it by having him hang out with you and your friend for instance, or would you just get annoyed and explode at him?

We don't know about the kind of energy that exists between you two. If you've been fighting, if he's demeaning towards you... that sort of attitude chips away at your self-trust and emotional balance, please don't put up with someone who you feel have become afraid of, who does not warm up your heart anymore but makes you want to close up. Your emotional well-being really is more important unless you are getting something awfully useful in the long term in exchange for what you're putting up with (money, workplace, knowledge in a specific field?). Not saying these scenarios are nice, but I'm not going to be the one to judge if someone's already hit that bottom and needs to exchange services for a gain or something they are lacking or need to survive.

If he's someone who cares about you, even if you were going through hardship, they wouldn't abandon you even without the relationship status, even if it simply means giving advice form their end. And if they do abandon you without the relationship, and this is who/what they are, better they leave sooner than later, such people don't deserve the warmth others give them that gets turned into ego fuel.

I would totally dig/try that spyware thing, because I thought most are a fraud if they say "totally undetectable" xD. I'm more inquisitive by nature for instance and I like to share a lot, I expect that back (though I will probably wait longer than 4 months before actually establishing it, but that's only the time you've been living together for, not the length of your relationship).

One idea about how to proceed which may or may not work well with you: Talk to him and write down what your concepts of commitment are, draw the lines. Tell him you may have found certain indicators in his behavior that make you uncomfortable (don't say that you want to spy on him), and that whether you may be taking things too literally or interpreting them too much, whether it really is something he is doing, that you want to talk about what commitment means because you care for him, otherwise you wouldn't be affected by small gestures, but you think you are. And you are because you are investing yourself emotionally. Tell him the thought of you two starting to share more has been occurring to you lately, and that you want to make it mutual, such as sharing from the messages and jokes you make with other people and not having passwords on your phones that the other does not know (unless for very specific reasons?). You can tell him it's something you've been thinking about and discussing lately with friends (unless you want to tell him that "friends" actually means "on a forum" and he'd be ok with it), that you've heard a lot of stories and want to open up more in your relationship as you think that may be beneficial to both. Don't get heated up, afraid, or angered by whatever his response is. Just be certain of what you are asking and he starts becoming weird about it, sometimes silence speaks more than words.
 

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He is cold and aggressive and you are afraid that he would get more mad at you? Your boyfriend is supposed to be the person whom you feel the most comfortable around, not the person whom you feel afraid around. This sounds like the classic red flags of a potential abuser. RUN.
Not every indication of aggression or coldness is an instant reason to abandon your relationship and the OP has a obligation themselves to voice their discomfort.

But please, don't write "just talk to him" cause it's not so easy for me. I won't do it till I'm sure that he has an affair.
You have to talk to him. Otherwise there is no overcoming obstacles together. Will you wait till the weeds overtake your garden before you cut them? Shall your house be burned before you put it out with water? Tend to your matters.
 

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Inb4 we learn that he cheats, but it's because he felt like the communication was gone already. That would be golden.

He is allowed to have a private life that doesn't involve you, as long as he doesn't cheat on you. For all you've told us, so far you have no idea if he does or not. You have so little idea that you got spy tools to know for sure instead on deciding based on conjectures. Spy tools, are you freaking serious ? Why would he trust you ? Ever again ? If you go through his phone because of your psychoses, you give up any right to any trust on his part in my opinion, and he should be the one dumping you.

Talk with him.
 

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I'm no expert but i cheated a few times (always ended the relationship afterwards, that was the last weeks of the relationship) and i also have been cheated upon. The first question is do you really want to know it? because if you think you can 'save' your relation, that knowledge -if confirmed- will kill it definitively. If so, my ´tips'...

- Lack of sexual interest -and sexual performance- is the major clue. It's really hard to have sex with your official girlfriend/boyfriend few hours after you have it with your lover. Simply I can't focus. And i think it's very common.

- Mistakes during making love. All people are different, that means different sizes, different distances, different angles. When you are used to one person, your body learns it, and it's instinctive. When you cheat it's hard to be 'remember' which whom you are, so that map is gone, and you touch were there is nothing, you go in the wrong angle, you insist in the wrong deep, etc..

- Skin temperature and odor, sweet specially. I'm not sure how this works, but people smells also their partner smell, doesn't matter how hard to shower. Suddenly you feel it.

I wouldn't go by the spying, and sincerly, i would not even try to confront... you need to decide if it's worth giving it another shot or just let it go. It's your decision. If you want to get let it go, just ask for space, say that things are not the same, and him/her willl tell you spontaneously the affair in the same moment, or after a while. If you decide to giving it another shot, you'll probably crazy, but, yes, love is crazy... so.... i don't know how to do that, i never went that way, but good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I'm no expert but i cheated a few times (always ended the relationship afterwards, that was the last weeks of the relationship) and i also have been cheated upon. The first question is do you really want to know it? because if you think you can 'save' your relation, that knowledge -if confirmed- will kill it definitively. If so, my ´tips'...

- Lack of sexual interest -and sexual performance- is the major clue. It's really hard to have sex with your official girlfriend/boyfriend few hours after you have it with your lover. Simply I can't focus. And i think it's very common.

- Mistakes during making love. All people are different, that means different sizes, different distances, different angles. When you are used to one person, your body learns it, and it's instinctive. When you cheat it's hard to be 'remember' which whom you are, so that map is gone, and you touch were there is nothing, you go in the wrong angle, you insist in the wrong deep, etc..

- Skin temperature and odor, sweet specially. I'm not sure how this works, but people smells also their partner smell, doesn't matter how hard to shower. Suddenly you feel it.

I wouldn't go by the spying, and sincerly, i would not even try to confront... you need to decide if it's worth giving it another shot or just let it go. It's your decision. If you want to get let it go, just ask for space, say that things are not the same, and him/her willl tell you spontaneously the affair in the same moment, or after a while. If you decide to giving it another shot, you'll probably crazy, but, yes, love is crazy... so.... i don't know how to do that, i never went that way, but good luck.
Decided to talk to him and obviously he cheated. For now we decided to live separately and then we'll see.Thanks!
 

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Decided to talk to him and obviously he cheated. For now we decided to live separately and then we'll see.Thanks!
you welcome! it's hard, but when a relation does not satify you 100% more than 1/2 of the time is better to move one, you can stay in some type of friendship or simply disconnect, i know, there is always a way to reformulate it if you both of you want it enought.. but definitivelly life is too short to suffer it, and cheating is a big red line for anyone.
Cheers! you did well!
 

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If you don't trust him to the point that you'd break his privacy then it doesn't really matter imo if he's cheating on you.

You don't trust him.

He can't really trust you (because you're willing to secretly spy on him)

So if you're already there and there's no trust, why are you still together? Or at least together monogamously?

If you usually don't get paranoid and worried in relationships why do you in this one?

If you do usually get paranoid and worried in relationships then work that out. Go to therapy work on what's causing that and how to change it because you're not going to be able to happy, healthy relationships until you do.
 

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To echo what daleks said. If you couldn't trust them to the point of wanting to spy on them you need to just talk to them about ending the relationship. If you're at the point of spying just leave. Nothing good would come from it. People have to want to change and anything you find out would just be a bigger blow against you in it. Just leave and work on yourself.
 

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There are four types of symbiotic relationships in natural science. The forth is too difficult to explain, so I'm going to skip it.

MutualismBenefits both.Fish that clean whales, and birds that clean hippopotamuses.
CommensialismBenefits one without harming the other.Plants that grow on other plants without harming said plants.
ParasitismBenefits one and harms the other.Flatworms and ticks.

Mutualism is the type of symbiosis that humans strive for, wherein the goal is to cover ones emotional needs. What this means is that you are partly responsible for your partner's emotional well-being, and they are partly responsible for yours. Hence the term partner. If you attempt to open up a dialogue with your partner about your emotional state, and they do not take their part of the responsibility seriously, then the symbiosis is not mutual. They are not a partner. If your emotional state is deteriorating, then the symbiosis is parasitic. If your emotional state is deteriorating then you should also seek professional help before your state deteriorates any further.
 

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As others have indicated, you're asking the wrong question.

He's cold and aggressive toward you sometimes. You don't trust him, and now you want to spy on him.

Do you think this can ever be a happy relationship?
 
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