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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have so much trouble with moving on from the past.

I have lots of painful memories that I block out, and I feel as if I really need to get over them if I am going to be able to move forward in life. I have lots of regrets that I can't seem to face, but which I constantly dream about...my subconscious is trying so hard to make me face up to them and just feel the bad things and let myself wallow in them, but I keep pushing it out.


Does anyone have any help with facing up to mistakes and regrets? :unsure: What can I do to just let it all out?
 

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For years I had these dreams in which I am trying hard to get a pass grade for some course in college but it has got too late. Those dreams used to be extremely traumatic and no matter how many times I saw them they always felt real. I'd wake up thinking I should get determined to pass that course and in a heartbreaking realization I'd realize that there is no course, no college, nothing. What I experienced in my last two semesters was demeaning, berating and humiliating to an extreme extent. My project guide said to me that a sweeper on the street would be better than me. Another professor said that I should be grateful that I am being allowed to get the degree from the institution. It so happens that the college I went to for my graduation is one of the best places to study in the country.

I don't know what to suggest to you because I don't think the dreams and the trauma has passed. I also feel the need of someone to whom I can share the pain and the trauma. My girlfriend is lost in her own problems and there is little chance that she will be able to empathize with me.

I can tell you what I am doing with my other resentment issues that consciously bother me. I am a 4w5 too. I am trying to develop writing as my mode of creative expression. What I do is whenever I feel something resentful and my imagination starts moving, I write it down. As it is. As I start writing the energy builds up and helps me express more. In two weeks' time I am seeing myself less inhibited. Through writing I am able to come to better ways of responding to people because when I read what I have written it looks really stupid and at times horrible too. With time deeper issues are emerging on their own. And I feel vaguely empowered and calm.

If you try this out do tell me how it works out for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
What I do is whenever I feel something resentful and my imagination starts moving, I write it down. As it is. As I start writing the energy builds up and helps me express more. In two weeks' time I am seeing myself less inhibited. Through writing I am able to come to better ways of responding to people because when I read what I have written it looks really stupid and at times horrible too. With time deeper issues are emerging on their own. And I feel vaguely empowered and calm.

If you try this out do tell me how it works out for you.
Thanks a lot for sharing :) I think writing is an excellent idea. I'll let you know how it goes.
 

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I know the feeling; I was usually so fearful when taking notice my painful memories, 4w5 have the tendency to conceal/repress their feelings but because we are fundementally fours it creates a stronger tension that could result to depression. My trick is to look at the mirror and ask myself : what's your problem, please lets talk this over, and if you start to feel uncomfortable give positive affirmation. Remember your loved ones and how it will make them happy seeing you heal.
 

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I agree with the writing. It can be a journal or just random thoughts. Sometimes you find that you can't fool yourself when you are letting your soul pour out. I know for me sometimes just admitting I am scared, or jealous, or hurt in writing helps me not run from it. In my head I might rationalize it as something else, and in writing it stares at me like a hard truth.

If you have someone you can trust, talking can help so much. I only have two people I can talk to and not feel judged for feeling a certain way, but it helps. I especially adore my ENFP BF in these instances because he has a way of forcing me to deal with things I am blocking out. He gently and patiently shows me how I am going into a self-defeating thought or mood, and gives me options. I am lucky though. I remember alot of battles I had to do by myself in the past. In my case, again, writing freely helped.

I hope you feel better soon and find a healthy way of facing your problems. You can wallow, but at some point you have to decide it's time to move on and walk away. :happy:
 

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I had, and to some degree, still have these very same issues. Buddhism has been a huge help for me in overcoming such things. I am not here to preach or advertise a religion at all. I do believe however that the methods can be of use and you can strip away it's religious associations if you so desire. Personally I'm not Buddhist really myself. I just enjoy certain aspects of it and find them helpful.

Here's a specific link that has really helped me.

Guilt
 

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I had, and to some degree, still have these very same issues. Buddhism has been a huge help for me in overcoming such things. I am not here to preach or advertise a religion at all. I do believe however that the methods can be of use and you can strip away it's religious associations if you so desire. Personally I'm not Buddhist really myself. I just enjoy certain aspects of it and find them helpful.

Here's a specific link that has really helped me.

Guilt
Nice! And I love your attitude towards the religion.
 

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Nice! And I love your attitude towards the religion.
Not to derail or anything, but I do admittedly pick and choose from religions which many people don't agree with. I personally see no issue with it, and even on the Buddhist site I linked to has a quote on the main page from a well respected monk...

"Don't try to become a buddhist with what you learn from buddhism, but try to become a better whatever you already are."

That was more of a paraphrase on my part :laughing:.

Too stay on topic OP, other than the advice on that page, they don't mention journaling like some have here and that really can be a great thing as well. You have to let the past go. If you're committed to change, then it will be difficult if you hold on to the negatives of what you once did. Take a sad song, and make it better you know? I am aware that is difficult for a type 4 to do at times, but it's possible. Sometimes it seems we'll never forget the past, and that may be the case. It doesn't mean you can't change all that though.
 

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Not to derail or anything, but I do admittedly pick and choose from religions which many people don't agree with. I personally see no issue with it, and even on the Buddhist site I linked to has a quote on the main page from a well respected monk...

"Don't try to become a buddhist with what you learn from buddhism, but try to become a better whatever you already are."

That was more of a paraphrase on my part :laughing:.

Too stay on topic OP, other than the advice on that page, they don't mention journaling like some have here and that really can be a great thing as well. You have to let the past go. If you're committed to change, then it will be difficult if you hold on to the negatives of what you once did. Take a sad song, and make it better you know? I am aware that is difficult for a type 4 to do at times, but it's possible. Sometimes it seems we'll never forget the past, and that may be the case. It doesn't mean you can't change all that though.
I disagree with the last part. I don't agree that one has to let go of one's past. I think 'has to' does not go with 'let go'. If it will go, it will go. I don't believe determination has anything to do with forgiveness. It's a gentle thing that happens on its own when the person is ready. Any effort to tell oneself that I forgive, I forget works like repression. These are really subtle things. I have huge reserves of resentment and regret for many things. Determination can be for doing a thing, for some activity, probably a project and working on that diligently also helps in healing. Forgiveness is an art, it's an inspiration, it's a moment of epiphanic realization that all the hurt is gone and has been replaced by something else. Something gentle. The haunting experience becomes a distant memory that haunts no more. All these things I say but only on rare instances have these happened to me. I wait though that things shape up within me, that I will learn to forgive. It will not happen without me strengthening myself in other areas of life. And determination can be a wonderful thing there.
 

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I disagree with the last part. I don't agree that one has to let go of one's past. I think 'has to' does not go with 'let go'. If it will go, it will go. I don't believe determination has anything to do with forgiveness. It's a gentle thing that happens on its own when the person is ready. Any effort to tell oneself that I forgive, I forget works like repression. These are really subtle things. I have huge reserves of resentment and regret for many things. Determination can be for doing a thing, for some activity, probably a project and working on that diligently also helps in healing. Forgiveness is an art, it's an inspiration, it's a moment of epiphanic realization that all the hurt is gone and has been replaced by something else. Something gentle. The haunting experience becomes a distant memory that haunts no more. All these things I say but only on rare instances have these happened to me. I wait though that things shape up within me, that I will learn to forgive. It will not happen without me strengthening myself in other areas of life. And determination can be a wonderful thing there.
I noticed how I worded myself and you're right. No one has to let the past go, but sometimes it's just the healthiest thing to do. Time does heal wounds, but for some things, regarding past mistakes especially, you do have to want to forgive yourself. That's my belief anyway and by no means the same for everyone. Also, I know it's difficult for many to do such a thing. Especially an Enneagram 4. I still have issues with self forgiveness and acceptance.
 

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My dream( dream? Ha! Nightmare) was simple, like going toward a door. There was a hedge there, so I went around the hedge, and the building was more distant - so I backtracked, and -yep, that building was 3 times as far away. As I kept trying, it was on a distant hill. I would wake up, scared out of my gourd. I also had night terrors and, worse, anxiety attacks - starting around 7 to 8 years old - I felt as if my limbs would swell like baloon figures, then collapse to spaghetti straws. I couldn't breathe -these ended about at the onset of puberty.

But the distanceing dream continues - at irregular and far spaced intervals. The last one, a few weeks ago, I was on a trip and my car turned into a motorized skateboard, then I went down a hill and it would not climb back - so I walked, and the skateboard disappeared. I was on foot looking at a steep road that disappeared high in the sky.

During my divorce at age 50 I had these dreams where I was trying to approach my (now ex) wife - and kept getting more distant. It was something on which I had worked very hard - bringing up my two sons, building for their future - I have profitted from the life change, but it was not my choice. So the distancing dreams were rational - in a sense. Now, I have no idea why.

I never tried writing - I just try to suppress the anxiety. Thanks for the ideas - no one is too old to learn.
 

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As a 4w5, I let go of things through being distracted or listening to happier music. I usually listen to sad music. The more I listen to sad music, the more I remember. The type of happy music I listen to is Synth Pop and Electronic. Stuff like Royksopp, Washed Out, Datarock (more to mention) but I listen to my usual sad music once in a while. I distract myself through going to the mall, watching some cooking shows, Nat Geo, or whatever I find interesting. :) I've been doing this for 2 years.

I had a bad childhood. Being bullied at school, it has made me learn how to hate and doubt everyone. This also has made me hate myself. I've got a long way to go but I'm glad I'm on my way to my goal. My goal is simply to be happy. :)
 
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