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Hi lovely INTPs,

I have a question. My husband and I are expecting our first baby in September. Right now, we are pretty much living paycheck to paycheck, not saving anything. It's been this way for a long time. But for the next few months, my husband's work schedule is being drastically reduced to 10 hours a week, while I will remain full time. After we have the baby, he will be back to working full time again but I will be cut to part time so I can take care of the baby.

I am worried that we are not going to have enough money in the next few months. I mentioned this to him many times about how we are not saving any money and always am met with silence or a look of indifference. Today I expressed concern to him that he will only be working 10 hours a week this summer. Again, he falls silent and doesn't even acknowledge that I said anything. I feel like just by pointing it out, he thinks I am nagging him. But we need to make more money now to be able to pay for this baby! I am already working full time and am 6 months pregnant, so I don't think it's my responsibility to figure out how to make more. I don't know how to get him to understand that he needs to get second job for the summer or find a way to make more cash so that we can pay for this baby!

He is taking one online class this summer, so it's not like he is busy doing a bunch of other things. And he is fully capable and healthy, not to mention extremely intelligent and a quick learner. He would be good at anything he tried to do.

Help? What do I say to him? I feel like it is falling on deaf ears.
 

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I'm sure he is fully capable of understanding the consequences of his actions- or should I say inactions.

You make it sound like he's indifferent and uncaring as opposed to shortsighted.

There are manual labor jobs or "blue-collar" jobs available. I remember when I was out of work, I took a manual labor job just so I could do something and feel decent about myself. I think it's a symptom of middle class/upper-middle class entitlement and pretentiousness, thinking that particular jobs are beneath them. What's noble is going out and providing for your family; what's not noble is thinking you're too intelligent and above finding a job.

Just bug the crap out of him; if anything, he'll get a job just so you will shut up - I'm completely serious.
 

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I'm sure he is fully capable of understanding the consequences of his actions- or should I say inactions.

You make it sound like he's indifferent and uncaring as opposed to shortsighted.

There are manual labor jobs or "blue-collar" jobs available. I remember when I was out of work, I took a manual labor job just so I could do something and feel decent about myself. I think it's a symptom of middle class/upper-middle class entitlement and pretentiousness, thinking that particular jobs are beneath them. What's noble is going out and providing for your family; what's not noble is thinking you're too intelligent and above finding a job.

Just bug the crap out of him; if anything, he'll get a job just so you will shut up - I'm completely serious.
The best jobs I've had were the "blue collar" ones...
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I'm sure he is fully capable of understanding the consequences of his actions- or should I say inactions.

You make it sound like he's indifferent and uncaring as opposed to shortsighted.

There are manual labor jobs or "blue-collar" jobs available. I remember when I was out of work, I took a manual labor job just so I could do something and feel decent about myself. I think it's a symptom of middle class/upper-middle class entitlement and pretentiousness, thinking that particular jobs are beneath them. What's noble is going out and providing for your family; what's not noble is thinking you're too intelligent and above finding a job.

Just bug the crap out of him; if anything, he'll get a job just so you will shut up - I'm completely serious.
He is definitely not above working a common labor job. He's been a dishwasher, a prep cook, an apple picker, various things like that. But I think you have a point that he is probably not indifferent, but shortsighted. And it bugs him when I point that out. I know he cares, I just wish he would say, "yeah, I know we are going to need money soon. I think I will start applying for jobs." If he would just acknowledge that he knows what he needs to do, I wouldn't be asking for advice. The fact is, he freezes up when I mention it and doesn't say anything and it leaves me in the dark, feeling guilty for even saying anything.

But if you think that I should keep bugging him, then I will. It's only temporary. He has a main job, it's just slow in the summer. This schedule used to work for us, but it's not gonna cut it anymore. ...

Thanks


oh and he's not a deadbeat @nadjasix. He has always contributed. He just needs to step it up a bit for this summer and that is what is bugging me because he doesn't seem to be trying to figure anything out.
 

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I kinda like those temp service jobs. You just tell them your experience and what you can do (time wise and capabilities), then they do all the work of finding an employer. But whatever works is best.

Maybe he is depressed, or maybe he doesn't know what he is going to do. Hearing the same stuff over and over doesn't help me much. "You gotta do.."

I would use fact based bullet points that are short and real.

-We are going to need money.
-10 hrs a week is not going to give us enough money.
-Baby arrives in X days and my income will not be available; we need to save.

And the coup de grace - find some place and drive him to it. Keep reinforcing the positive. "My friend Joe said this is a great place. Let's have lunch then check it out on Tuesday around two."
 

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People are different(quote of the year) but I’d say you probably only need to mention it once and the seed is planted. He might be contemplating his options and doesn’t want to be pressured into making a choice without careful consideration. Hence his aversion to being reminded and his blank response, he might not believe his plan(s) to be ready for outside scrutiny, especially with time ticking away as a motivating factor for you to force his hand.

The more you bring it up the less you’ll get out of him methinks, which is stupid, communication can only help in this instance.
Instead of suggesting that he take up the slack, perhaps you could ask him what he thinks needs to be done to deal with upcoming situation ? Does he see it as a problem ? That might coax out his perspective along any approaches that he has been formulating.

I could be completely wrong and he could be opting out of reality, iunno.
 

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i recommend you devising an overview of a 6 month plan with two additional contingincies. propose certain end results desired with your husband, let him come up with the wireframe how to work it then together plug in the pieces.

theres only X amount of hours in a day to read, brainstorm, daydream, and design... the more heads doing the thing, the better. Just have to be sure white noise dont affect progress.

You made mention your husband does his part and is not a dead beat. This is good. Something to work with. You have identified a problem that needs to be thought through. get the planning on paper, stick it on the fridge, keep towards plan and cross your fingers that 12/21/2012 isnt just another day. if judgement day doesnt come, then you'd have to brace for toughing it out a little longer with your SO.

possible residual income venues include ad-driven website, ebook publication, prototype invention, patent, rent out a home, bake cookies for sale, cook for hire, etc...

just my opinion though.
 

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Help? What do I say to him? I feel like it is falling on deaf ears.
Just call him out on it. Tell him he's being a dick. Maybe he doesn't see his actions as rude and needs to be called out. This isn't an INTP thing. Responding to someone when they are talking to you is something any mentally competent person should be able to do.
 

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How about presenting him with a less-palatable (to him) alternative? Would that work as a motivator to get off his duff?

"Since I make good money at my job, maybe it makes more sense for me to keep working full time after giving birth, and you could stay home with the baby. I could talk to HR about remaining full-time. That keeps the health insurance, too. What do you think?"
 

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"Dad" comes before INTP.

You really shouldn't have to appeal to his ego or INTPness in this matter.

I agree, tell him he's being a dick.
 

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"Dad" comes before INTP.

You really shouldn't have to appeal to his ego or INTPness in this matter.

I agree, tell him he's being a dick.
This.

I like me some INTP dudes, but mostly as friends. When I read their responses to stuff like this, I just can't believe it sometimes. No offense, guys, but I'm not going to walk on eggshells and coddle a grown man because asking him outright to do something he knows he should be doing anyway is going to hurt his self-esteem or whatever.

Uhhh... yeah, no. Nagging is unnecessary, but I'm not going to carefully word my every sentence to make sure he doesn't have a bad day of feelings.
 

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OP- Do you think you're in an weaker position and don't want to overplay your hand because you are pregnant? I see your dilemma, but I agree with nadja that you can't walk on eggshells. His silence is aggressive in a way. And it's almost worse than if he told you flat out that he didn't want to get a job. You're obviously in a vulnerable position and I understand your need to not want to "rock the boat" and your want to be a team player. The problem here is that this guy is not acting like he's on your team, but you must act strong in order for this guy to give you respect. At this point, it doesn't sound like he respects you. I agree there are certain strategies that can be employed in terms of dealing with a particular personality, but at the end of the day, personality cannot justify inexcusable behavior, and you don't want to set a precedent where he can just ignore what you say and get away with it.
 

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INTPs can become as stubborn as rocks when demonic Fi in the back of his head says "I shouldn't have to work this hard!"
Having observed how hard it is to crack an INTP (my dad) through nagging, I'm honestly gonna agree with the other posters and say "be insensitive". If you point blank say he's being illogical, and say it ONCE, it'll either work or it'll point out the fact that he needs some counsel.
Just my thoughts, good luck :/
 

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Why did you have a child during the middle of your personal financial crisis.

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, but your decision to get pregnant seems like a rather poor one considering the scenario you've described to us.
 
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