Before reading through this, I apologize if you find this to be either too lengthy or text-heavy, as I was only trying to describe my feelings as accurately as I possibly could. Additonally, I don;t mean to sound as though I am either sulking or hating on the world, for the only person I truly dislike at the moment is my own self due to the confusion I have felt these past months when in concerns my emotions. I also appreciate every single user whom has taken the time to read through all of this, and would like to thank them in advance as well. Now, with this being said, here is my issue below:
For the past year or so, I've been battling over emotions of being both unwanted and underappreciated by those within society, and in spite of my trying to bypass such thoughts and trying to live in a serene light, I still can't help but continually turn towards these feelings of mine nonetheless. While I usually try to maintain a pure heart within my soul and be empathetic and thoughtful of the emotions of others, I still feel as though those acts of mine are never fully acknowledged and taken to mind in the way I'd like them to be, as I believe most either find me to be a freak or simply feel I'm too awkward to be able to fit into their social circles.
As I watch how others seem to receive an immense amount of care and appreciation from others, in addition to their being granted miraculous victories throughout life at given moments, while I generally feel genuinely happy for their successes and wish the best for them, I still can't help but feel a bit of envy towards those triumphs at times as well, as I feel that, besides my own mother, whom I consider a best friend, I mainly don't receive as much luxury and praise myself for the kind deeds I perform.
My own father, as I have likely posted many times in the past within these threads, is a stubborn and manipulative man whom refuses to see the pain that resides beyond his own in a manner similar to my own insecure grandmother's for one (I am not trying to be mean or disrespectful of either one of them with this, by the way), and visualizing his poor treatment and endless criticism of my mother, I feel tinges of anger towards him due to believing my mother is a woman much too gentle to receive such harsh affections from him, and he additionally will invariably find fault within my own self as well, stating I am a spoiled brat whom has been raised incorrectly by my mother in spite of my generally trying to avoid confrontation and quarrels with him.
Additonally, he will invariably attempt to cause some tension within our household in order to cause my mother and I to somehow reach a boiling point that will allow us to react expolsively in order for his being able to come off as the innocent victim out of all our issues meanwhile we are the culprits. It nearly feels as though we are his scapegoats when it comes to his stresses in a way, for while he generally has an entirely distinct personality with the rest of the society that surrounds him, putting on a mask that enables him to come off as being a friendly and genial man in oder to veneer his true self.
The thing is, although, that as he has succeeded in causing me to explode in rash episodes of anger in the past that has caused me to state things I do not truly mean with my heart, such as that I either hate both he and my mother and wish I were born into an entirely different family or wish I were dead or never conceived in general, that he is a pathetic looser whom will not accept the truth of his own flaws, use curse words I truly dislike to use, and state that I will elude my household once I reach the age of eighteen and never speak to him for the rest of my life's existence, I feel that I am both an impure and cynical person as an effect of this.
I generally try to remain serene, thougtful, and empathetic of the feelings of others with an open mind, but my father simply angers me with his actions at times, and both makes me feel as though I am both the one at fault out when it comes to conflicts and later on takes it out on my mother when I am not around to spectate, stating that she is both a horrible mother whom has been unable to both educate me and my older 26 year old sister adequetly, and that he feels disrespected whenever he arrives at our household from his weekly job away at a Texas college as a professor of military science.
With these feelings of impurity and unlikability whenever I let have episodes of anger, I tend to believe I am both unkind and thoughtless in comparison to most others within my society, and that I will simply continually fall within that same trap in future times, being unable to release myself from my own rut and become a better person for this world. While this may seem strange and rather irrational of me to believe, I also think that those whom have stronger emotional cores and handle their anger in a more proactive manner than I are perfect and more desirable people to have aorund than I, which therefore causes me to believe I am of both no worth whatsoever and am disgusting in comparison to most other human beings.
Due to my having such degrading thoughts of my own self, I feel that I am being both selfish and self-absorbed as well, for I realize that I am not the only being within this planet whom has ever held feelings of worthlessness towards their own self and that I am a privledged young girl comparaing myself towards the souls whom each day suffer either neglect from a family member whom has become to consumed by the horrors of drugs and alchohol to pay much attention towards the child they created, or are abused physically by ungrateful parents whom feel the need to vent their own pain on them for no apprent reason whatsoever.
As a final thought, as my mother, in spite of her generally loving nature, will speak and even joke around (in a light-hearted, non sinful manner) of my father's need for structure and adequecy, alongside forming random nicknames towards him such as "Mr.Peleon" ("peleon" is the spanish term for "argumentive", and the nickname derives from my last name's being "Pabon") or compare pictures of an angered monkey towards the way in which his facial expression is meanwhile he has a quarrel at given moments, each which cause me to laugh, I feel cynical as an effect of this as well, as while my father isn't the most pleasant or considerate of individuals, I still feel wrong at acting in such a fashion in spite of it all. Don't get me wrong, although, my mother does not crack such jokes in order to either put me against him, as she would never do such a thing towards me or any other (for she instead tells me to do the opposite and both try to be my understanding self and get on his good side), but I still feel odd at doing such things nevertheless.
I apologize for sharing such personal details of my life within this post, and don't intend to sound repetitive with any of this, either, but I feel that I have nearly reached my emotional breaking point, and would like some advice from my fellow idealists in order to both be able to acquire emotional stability and be able to like myself a little more while I overcome my low self-esteem and feelings of udnerappreciation. Please keep in mind as well that even if I don't necesarily respond to each and every one of your posts rapidly, that I still read through each of your responses and try to apply your thoughts and insight towards my own self, although it is admittedly quite hard.
I simply want to learn how to bypass these negative emotions and become the person I want to be, for I don't want for my own feelings of worthlessness to consume my heart to the point in which I'm either constantly jealous of others and couldn't care less for humanity, and would also like to know how I can manage my anger in a more positive light in order to prevent hurting both myself and those encompassing.
For the past year or so, I've been battling over emotions of being both unwanted and underappreciated by those within society, and in spite of my trying to bypass such thoughts and trying to live in a serene light, I still can't help but continually turn towards these feelings of mine nonetheless. While I usually try to maintain a pure heart within my soul and be empathetic and thoughtful of the emotions of others, I still feel as though those acts of mine are never fully acknowledged and taken to mind in the way I'd like them to be, as I believe most either find me to be a freak or simply feel I'm too awkward to be able to fit into their social circles.
As I watch how others seem to receive an immense amount of care and appreciation from others, in addition to their being granted miraculous victories throughout life at given moments, while I generally feel genuinely happy for their successes and wish the best for them, I still can't help but feel a bit of envy towards those triumphs at times as well, as I feel that, besides my own mother, whom I consider a best friend, I mainly don't receive as much luxury and praise myself for the kind deeds I perform.
My own father, as I have likely posted many times in the past within these threads, is a stubborn and manipulative man whom refuses to see the pain that resides beyond his own in a manner similar to my own insecure grandmother's for one (I am not trying to be mean or disrespectful of either one of them with this, by the way), and visualizing his poor treatment and endless criticism of my mother, I feel tinges of anger towards him due to believing my mother is a woman much too gentle to receive such harsh affections from him, and he additionally will invariably find fault within my own self as well, stating I am a spoiled brat whom has been raised incorrectly by my mother in spite of my generally trying to avoid confrontation and quarrels with him.
Additonally, he will invariably attempt to cause some tension within our household in order to cause my mother and I to somehow reach a boiling point that will allow us to react expolsively in order for his being able to come off as the innocent victim out of all our issues meanwhile we are the culprits. It nearly feels as though we are his scapegoats when it comes to his stresses in a way, for while he generally has an entirely distinct personality with the rest of the society that surrounds him, putting on a mask that enables him to come off as being a friendly and genial man in oder to veneer his true self.
The thing is, although, that as he has succeeded in causing me to explode in rash episodes of anger in the past that has caused me to state things I do not truly mean with my heart, such as that I either hate both he and my mother and wish I were born into an entirely different family or wish I were dead or never conceived in general, that he is a pathetic looser whom will not accept the truth of his own flaws, use curse words I truly dislike to use, and state that I will elude my household once I reach the age of eighteen and never speak to him for the rest of my life's existence, I feel that I am both an impure and cynical person as an effect of this.
I generally try to remain serene, thougtful, and empathetic of the feelings of others with an open mind, but my father simply angers me with his actions at times, and both makes me feel as though I am both the one at fault out when it comes to conflicts and later on takes it out on my mother when I am not around to spectate, stating that she is both a horrible mother whom has been unable to both educate me and my older 26 year old sister adequetly, and that he feels disrespected whenever he arrives at our household from his weekly job away at a Texas college as a professor of military science.
With these feelings of impurity and unlikability whenever I let have episodes of anger, I tend to believe I am both unkind and thoughtless in comparison to most others within my society, and that I will simply continually fall within that same trap in future times, being unable to release myself from my own rut and become a better person for this world. While this may seem strange and rather irrational of me to believe, I also think that those whom have stronger emotional cores and handle their anger in a more proactive manner than I are perfect and more desirable people to have aorund than I, which therefore causes me to believe I am of both no worth whatsoever and am disgusting in comparison to most other human beings.
Due to my having such degrading thoughts of my own self, I feel that I am being both selfish and self-absorbed as well, for I realize that I am not the only being within this planet whom has ever held feelings of worthlessness towards their own self and that I am a privledged young girl comparaing myself towards the souls whom each day suffer either neglect from a family member whom has become to consumed by the horrors of drugs and alchohol to pay much attention towards the child they created, or are abused physically by ungrateful parents whom feel the need to vent their own pain on them for no apprent reason whatsoever.
As a final thought, as my mother, in spite of her generally loving nature, will speak and even joke around (in a light-hearted, non sinful manner) of my father's need for structure and adequecy, alongside forming random nicknames towards him such as "Mr.Peleon" ("peleon" is the spanish term for "argumentive", and the nickname derives from my last name's being "Pabon") or compare pictures of an angered monkey towards the way in which his facial expression is meanwhile he has a quarrel at given moments, each which cause me to laugh, I feel cynical as an effect of this as well, as while my father isn't the most pleasant or considerate of individuals, I still feel wrong at acting in such a fashion in spite of it all. Don't get me wrong, although, my mother does not crack such jokes in order to either put me against him, as she would never do such a thing towards me or any other (for she instead tells me to do the opposite and both try to be my understanding self and get on his good side), but I still feel odd at doing such things nevertheless.
I apologize for sharing such personal details of my life within this post, and don't intend to sound repetitive with any of this, either, but I feel that I have nearly reached my emotional breaking point, and would like some advice from my fellow idealists in order to both be able to acquire emotional stability and be able to like myself a little more while I overcome my low self-esteem and feelings of udnerappreciation. Please keep in mind as well that even if I don't necesarily respond to each and every one of your posts rapidly, that I still read through each of your responses and try to apply your thoughts and insight towards my own self, although it is admittedly quite hard.
I simply want to learn how to bypass these negative emotions and become the person I want to be, for I don't want for my own feelings of worthlessness to consume my heart to the point in which I'm either constantly jealous of others and couldn't care less for humanity, and would also like to know how I can manage my anger in a more positive light in order to prevent hurting both myself and those encompassing.