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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been contemplating on the concept of kindness as it applies to people in social environments. My INTP mind constantly looks for things to improve and it comes off as mean. Is there an override to this? How can I force myself to look for things which I can be thankful for?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
My quirkiness and humour is all the kindness I can give.

"Do you fuckers have a sense of self-depreciating humour? I do. I'm kind."
Well that often translates to negativity and is just seen as an extension of how you view the world. I'm talking about real fucking kindness, not the type where you demonstrate how shitty you are compared to others.
 

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An act of kindness towards someone is an action that makes them have a higher net utility in the end.

So one way to be kind is by not performing an action that will decrease their utility. Meaning if they don't want your opinion, don't give it. How would you feel if someone kept nagging you?

The next step would be to not decrease their utility and increase it as well; that is, do something for them that makes them happy. This means you will have to actually know the person and have some emotional intelligence.

Ex: Friend is trying to lose weight - "Dude, I can really see that jaw line coming in!!" etc.

But you also have to be sincere about it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
An act of kindness towards someone is an action that makes them have a higher net utility in the end.

So one way to be kind is by not performing an action that will decrease their utility. Meaning if they don't want your opinion, don't give it. How would you feel if someone kept nagging you?

The next step would be to not decrease their utility and increase it as well; that is, do something for them that makes them happy. This means you will have to actually know the person and have some emotional intelligence.

Ex: Friend is trying to lose weight - "Dude, I can really see that jaw line coming in!!" etc.

But you also have to be sincere about it.
But what do you mean by utility? Suppose you've met a rude or careless waiter. What utility does this person have?
 

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Note: Not an actual economist or hardcore student utilitarianism.

I'm using the economic definition of utility which to me, is synonymous with pleasure.

Everyone has a utility "function" (obviously its not actually quantifiable) that is composed of many, many expressions that represent anything that would make them more or less happy (increasing or decreasing their utility).
 

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Every unit of thought and every observation in my field of consideration usually has some sort of weighted worthfulness value tagged with it, to use a metaphor I find useful.

The thing is, that goes both ways. My own advice and verbalized observations will be weighed and valued by everyone else in the receiving audience, and if I have enough theory of mind about the audience to understand how they will value something, I can probably predict what it will be. So if I feel like my words or advice will be looked at as worthless, then it's probably not worth my time or theirs to share them.

That theory of mind is grounded in F, really not going to commit to saying Fe or Fi but F either way. However, sometimes the F factor is just what tells us what is appropriate to the situation (that I think we can call Fe) - ultimately the context defines it situation-by-situation.
 

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My experience with INTPs is that they really don't know how they can make the other feel. The only way to resolve this is -expressing- how your specific action makes me feel. The INTP then like you said, looking for things to improve, will show a greater effort and change their behavior. At this point I do think they see it as -something- that can be improved. So try to encourage closer people to speak up about their feelings and don't judge them when they express it, well instead of being passive aggressive or guilt trips I think it only works when you can talk sense into the INTP, telling how you feel as a cause and effect relationship.

Other than that, I don't know how to be kind if you don't feel like it, but perhaps refer to this knowledge and experience of the impacts of how you have acted or not acted made others feel before? work that Ne to come up with similar situations

I think self censorship is also an important step, for me, I don't know a way how not to say too much and too weird things at times >.> especially when I like a person and feeling comfortable enough not to think what I am talking about, also when I am nervous this gets the best out of me
 

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CUZ lazy..just did a vid..when less lazy I'll try to gather the pieces about gaining social credit because they are all over the place.Notice little stuff and bring it in a positive way, but only when sincere.Sometimes not talking is the kinder option.But beware of Ne or Fe or Te or what ever (dunno which one) frazzling your face when trying not to utter how stupid/ugly/disgusting/bleh you find something. Can be hard.My face is a dead giveaway.
 

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Practice smiling at people, not necessarily to anyone, but maybe to the ones you may run into again? I have recommended to my INTP husband many times. He is usually emotionless and looks like he is unfriendly or aloof.
 

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I've been contemplating on the concept of kindness as it applies to people in social environments. My INTP mind constantly looks for things to improve and it comes off as mean. Is there an override to this? How can I force myself to look for things which I can be thankful for?
Maybe when you catch yourself in the must improve train of thought, replace it with how can I help other people in my environment? Especially if it is a situation that is out of your control?
 

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I've been contemplating on the concept of kindness as it applies to people in social environments. My INTP mind constantly looks for things to improve and it comes off as mean. Is there an override to this? How can I force myself to look for things which I can be thankful for?
By knowing people's sensitive spots and avoid hitting their sensitive spots.

See that person there who is a vegetarian? Avoid discussing about topics like how much you enjoy eating animals in front of them.
See that person there who believe in things like astrology? Avoid telling them that they are stupid for believing in astrology even if you might not believe in astrology yourself.


And if you have to criticise someone, always make sure to give a compliment first before you criticised them. And remember to soften your tone if you have to give criticisms. Most of the time, it's not really what you said, but it's how you said it.
 

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I am too well mannered and relaxed for my own good sometimes. I see a stream of people walking towards the door, I hold said door open until no one else is coming. I ask people I pass if they need assistance with carrying things if they walk by with their hands full. I offer my seat in a crowded little shop to a pregnant woman after I've been on my feet all day walking and they ache so much. I smile every day, or at least try to, and try to view things with a silver lining when this look dark. Maybe it's just how I've been raised, but being nice and showing kindness come naturally to me. I guess it could also come from my relaxed and thoughtful personality. Who knows.

You could do small things like that to show kindness to anyone you meet. It can be the smallest things that brighten up someone's day.
 

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I've been contemplating on the concept of kindness as it applies to people in social environments. My INTP mind constantly looks for things to improve and it comes off as mean. Is there an override to this? How can I force myself to look for things which I can be thankful for?
I feel like you asked 2 questions.

How to be grateful?

How to be more kind to people?



The first is to say it out loud or in your head, "I'm thankful for running water, a shelter over my head, food in the refrigerator, refrigerators, etc."

It kind of comes of as a prayer, but I don't see it that way. Acknowledging the things you have is actually a pretty powerful practice.




Being more kind.

Don't think about it or try to fix it. Listen. Say, "I'm sorry that sucks." "I don't know what you're going through [and I'm not offering solutions] but that sounds rough." "What can I do?" "Need some help?"

IF the person asks "What do you think, or what do you think I should do, or how do you think I can fix this?" THEN it's ok to give some solutions or criticism or advice. I don't do those things without being asked for them. Ironically, I get asked a lot because I just listen and accept people as they are. People pick up on that kind of non-judgement.

If you see a homeless man begging for food or a a little cash, you COULD think, "Well he's gonna spend it on booze/drugs/hookers, let's analyze the ethical pros and cons here...." If you have some change in your pocket and aren't flat broke yourself, just give it up. What's a dollar or two? Maybe he spends it on booze, but that's all the poor bastard has and he's gonna get it from somewhere anyway.

Or offer to buy a sandwich. I've done that at gas stations.

Just yesterday, a guy needed .62 cents to buy a can of Mike's Hard Lemonade (gross). He had opened the door for me at the gas station (an act of kindness/politeness on his own part) and politely asked later if I had half a dollar. I don't keep cash on me normally, but I told him I'd check my car and return.

All I had was nickels, ha, but I got enough for him to buy his Lemonade. He said thanks a lot brother, and asked where I was from and we exchanged some pleasantries and he said,"Thanks again, you really seem like a good guy."

The fact he bought a can of booze didn't really matter. .62 cents, and it was all a pleasant feel good experience on both sides, I think.




Small acts of kindness, showing everyone respect and decency, even those very down on their luck, goes a LONG way in all things.
 

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What he said. Also the homeless sandwich part. And or fruit, they barely eat that. Too expensive i guess. Once i, gave some fruit and they were elated. Glad to know i'm not the only one that does these kind of things. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
What he said. Also the homeless sandwich part. And or fruit, they barely eat that. Too expensive i guess. Once i, gave some fruit and they were elated. Glad to know i'm not the only one that does these kind of things. :)
Well I often do these kinds of things, but not proactively. Specially with homeless people I give them food but rarely money. I'll try it more often. Yes its hard to let go of a feeling of being taken advantage of.
 

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Well I often do these kinds of things, but not proactively. Specially with homeless people I give them food but rarely money. I'll try it more often. Yes its hard to let go of a feeling of being taken advantage of.
Sometimes there are scammers out there. May even be homeless. This has happened to me 3 times, 3 different dudes.

In some parking lot, approached by guy with shady vibes. He needs money for gas, his car ran out. Ok pal, we'll see. So instead of giving money, I say, sure let's walk over there and I'll buy you some gas with my credit card. "Actually naw, forget about it"
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Well I often do these kinds of things, but not proactively. Specially with homeless people I give them food but rarely money. I'll try it more often. Yes its hard to let go of a feeling of being taken advantage of.
Sometimes there are scammers out there. May even be homeless. This has happened to me 3 times, 3 different dudes.

In some parking lot, approached by guy with shady vibes. He needs money for gas, his car ran out. Ok pal, we'll see. So instead of giving money, I say, sure let's walk over there and I'll buy you some gas with my credit card. "Actually naw, forget about it"
This has happened to me -- once when I was a poor student working the graveyard shift in a laundromat to make ends meet. I gave someone $5 as an act of kindness and he never returned. I think multiple such ripoffs harden one against anyone asking for help.
 
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