[synecdoche]

Disclaimer: I know there have been posts similar to this in the past, but I haven't found anything that really gives me the information I'm looking for - figured I'd give this a shot.

Well, an INTP and I were sort of seeing each other for a few months (although we lived about four hours apart) until he decided he didn't want to continue pursuing a romantic relationship, although he was adamant about remaining friends. Even though I still had very strong feelings for him (and still do currently, to be honest), I agreed to a platonic friendship because I figured I'd rather have him at least somewhat in my life than not at all. We began communicating much less, as would be expected, but for a while there would still be bursts of lots of communication that was very flirtatious in nature before he would disappear once again, leaving me both hurt and desperate for him to come back. I know - it's a vicious cycle and pretty terrible on my end, but for whatever reason he has me hooked. Now though, we've existed in this platonic state for about as long as we were in a romantic state, and I've noticed that recently he's been far less receptive to my attempts to contact him. His responses are more often than not relatively terse, and a few times now he's even completely ignored me, which has never happened before. Even with these developments, though, there's still the occasional instance of flirtatious communication or him initiating contact by sending me a news article or something similar.

Well, I recently found out that my job is relocating me to his city in a few months, and basically, I want to know if there is anything I can do make sure I haven't completely lost his friendship. From everything I've read, it seems like it would be better to just stop initiating any contact whatsoever, and while that's very much not in my nature (if I sense something's wrong I feel like I need to take action to correct it), I think I could make myself do that if it would help. Obviously I still secretly hope for something more than friends, but I also think that, if that really has been completely driven from his mind, I would be able to get over it eventually. More than anything I really just miss the frequency with which we used to talk/I'm still somewhat hurt by his recent blowing off without explanation our plans to talk on the phone. I know INTPs need time to themselves... but is there really nothing I can do in the meantime to speed that process along?

 

[2fast4u2]

sorry to be the one to break it to you, but EDIT youre old news. If he is a true intp

 

[nadjasix]

Maybe he's interested in someone else?

Usually when I cut someone off it's "over" in my mind already.

It's never a great sign when someone says "let's be friends", anyway...

You can leave an open invitation to hang out but that's about all you can do. If he takes you up on it, ok. But if not, you're going to have to move on, so start looking elsewhere. Don't pester him with phone calls and texts, that's just annoying.

 

[Berdudget]

I've never had a romantic relationship with my closest INTP guy friend, but it's possible our friendship correlates to yours. My friend has told me repeatedly (b/c I'm very insecure unfortunately) that I'm one of 4-5 people in his life he considers to be in his "inner circle." He values me highly and enjoys talking to me. I consider him one of my closest friends as well. We live thousands of miles from each other. We have times when we talk pretty regularly, followed by weeks or months of no contact. Er - well, where I text or email him and he doesn't respond immediately. He often gets overwhelmed and goes into his "fortress of solitude" for (imo) lengthy periods of time to recharge. But when he's ready to talk again, he covers all the topics I contacted him about during his absence. I fight feelings of abandonment while he's MIA, but I know his needs are just different from mine and it's a price worth paying for his friendship. Dunno if that helps. :happy:

 

[joellr17]

I am in the exact same situation but in my case I am the INTP who has put a wall between me and my ex.

She has tried to connect with me (as friends) for a long time now, but I have been just avoiding her. I also told her but she seems to not understand why we can’t be friends.

The reason I do this is because I don’t find any reason, any meaning in us being friends.

The reason I was with her before was because there was a romantic relation, but now that that has disappeared I don’t see a reason to be with her.

What we want out of life is different, and has a different way to see the world.

So if I were to continue a relationship with her, it would be very shallow and pointless. I don’t wish her bad I just feel like would be wasting my time investing in that relationship that brings nothing.

Platonic relationships don’t work with INTPs, the relationship has to be sustained by meaning, if there is no meaning there is nothing.

The question is, if there is no romance is there something else worth pursuing?

 

[synecdoche]

Joellr17: I do believe there is something worth pursuing. We have a lot in common, perhaps more than the majority of people I've met throughout my life. We enjoy talking to each other (when he has come back, for however brief a period of time, I can tell that he is legitimately interested and amused by our conversations). He seemed to think there was something in maintaining a friendship, too, since when he told me he no longer wanted to pursue a romantic relationship, he repeated multiple times that he very much wanted to remain friends. I do realize I have a tendency to delude myself regarding the reality of the situation, but I'm generally able to look past that if need be, and I am almost certain that we both at least see some meaning in continuing some form of relationship, which is why it's particularly hurtful for me when he is able to act so aloof and disinterested for long (or so it seems to me) periods of time.

 

[Erudis]

It works both ways.

Now honestly, I'm not saying you should cut communication with him for good, but if you still have romantic feelings for him, and he doesn't reciprocate, things will be, at least, very awkward.

but your old news

Her old news what?

 

[2fast4u2]

It works both ways.

Now honestly, I'm not saying you should cut communication with him for good, but if you still have romantic feelings for him, and he doesn't reciprocate, things will be, at least, very awkward.



Her old news what?

I face palmed my eyeballs out of the back of my head on the grammar police...

If you genuinely thought that was an incomplete sentence, then wow.

 

[joellr17]

@synecdoche:

In the case that he wants to keep you as a friend, you probably are expecting too much out of that friendship.

He probably enjoys your conversations, and interactions till some degree, but the problem is the frequency in which he will let those interactions occur.

An INTP usually likes to meet up with a friend for a day, and then let weeks or months pass by, then meet up again for a day, and that’s considered a close friendship.

Another thing is the passiveness, even if he feels like meeting with you he will probably procrastinate, so you will have to be the proactive one.

Friends usually call me, and I either agree or not depending on how sociable I feel.
If you are ok with these terms, you probably can have a friendship (let alone romance), otherwise you are probably expecting too much.

 

[Ista]

...Well, an INTP and I were sort of seeing each other for a few months (although we lived about four hours apart) until he decided he didn't want to continue pursuing a romantic relationship, although he was adamant about remaining friends. Even though I still had very strong feelings for him (and still do currently, to be honest), I agreed to a platonic friendship because I figured I'd rather have him at least somewhat in my life than not at all. We began communicating much less, as would be expected, but for a while there would still be bursts of lots of communication that was very flirtatious in nature before he would disappear once again, leaving me both hurt and desperate for him to come back.
..
I really just miss the frequency with which we used to talk/I'm still somewhat hurt by his recent blowing off without explanation our plans to talk on the phone. I know INTPs need time to themselves... but is there really nothing I can do in the meantime to speed that process along?

Firstly the INTP concept of a friend can be someone they rarely talk to. This situation may not be something that needs "fixing" or "speeding up" if that is his definition. This definition is not necessarily consistent across the board. It can change with the person and the circumstance.

In my limited experience of F's, they see friendship much differently. As an INTP, in general I find it challenging to keep up with F demands of friendship, as in my limited experience, they like more consistency and dependency.

Given that you still have feelings, it's highly unlikely you will have your friendship needs met in these circumstances. He may sense that you still have feelings (through your pursuit, even when F's aren't trying - it can seem this way) though even if he is blind to this, his give-me-space detectors will go off. If you give it time, your feelings may fade. Then you may be able to have a real friendship, though it is unlikely to meet your friendship standards.

 

[Erudis]

If you genuinely thought that was an incomplete sentence, then wow.

I don't think anybody can be that literal.

 

[QuietStorm]

The way I see it, he's either feeling 'hooked' as you are and is taking steps to get over you... I mean... I didn't talk to my ex for months after we broke up ... actually... years. He initiated all contact - I had blocked him from my messenger and removed his notifications from facebook.
I was also involved with an ENFP once ... I'm in the middle of cutting him off too ... it's hard - and I can see why you'd feel hurt. But the best thing you can do is, the next time you get a chance to talk to him, confront him about it in no uncertain terms and get him to say what he really thinks&feels. That way, you'll know where you stand and you'll know where to go next with your platonic relationship - or how to move on from the end of it, if that's the case.

 

[synecdoche]

But the best thing you can do is, the next time you get a chance to talk to him, confront him about it in no uncertain terms and get him to say what he really thinks&feels. That way, you'll know where you stand and you'll know where to go next with your platonic relationship - or how to move on from the end of it, if that's the case.

Since it's really only about four weeks or so at this point until I move, I was considering giving him space/not attempting any contact until I'm actually moved and we're once again in the same city. At that point, I suppose I could do what you said and ask where he stands, but I'm worried that will freak him out. I was hoping that once we were actually together in person, I'd be able to gauge the situation somewhat better... I'm just not exactly sure how to go about reconnecting after all that time or how to tell him I'd like to see him once I am there without making it appear like I'm looking for something more than friends. I'm just concerned about overwhelming him and causing him to retreat again... so any advice in that department would be very appreciated!

 

[QuietStorm]

Since it's really only about four weeks or so at this point until I move, I was considering giving him space/not attempting any contact until I'm actually moved and we're once again in the same city. At that point, I suppose I could do what you said and ask where he stands, but I'm worried that will freak him out. I was hoping that once we were actually together in person, I'd be able to gauge the situation somewhat better... I'm just not exactly sure how to go about reconnecting after all that time or how to tell him I'd like to see him once I am there without making it appear like I'm looking for something more than friends. I'm just concerned about overwhelming him and causing him to retreat again... so any advice in that department would be very appreciated!

No, I think I agree with that. Corner him! I kid....

Anyway... there's no way to predict his reaction, and you know him best. I don't really have any advice on face-to-face encounters or what will work best... But have you been trying to contact him since the last time he blew you off? Because if you haven't, suddenly popping up in his state may make him feel like you set up an ambush or something. So... just.... be careful of that, I'd say. If you have been trying then it's his own fault that he doesn't know you're moving.

 

[synecdoche]

No, I think I agree with that. Corner him! I kid....

Anyway... there's no way to predict his reaction, and you know him best. I don't really have any advice on face-to-face encounters or what will work best... But have you been trying to contact him since the last time he blew you off? Because if you haven't, suddenly popping up in his state may make him feel like you set up an ambush or something. So... just.... be careful of that, I'd say. If you have been trying then it's his own fault that he doesn't know you're moving.

Well, we already live in the same state - it's just cities that I'm changing. But yes I have made an attempt to contact him and we've spoken briefly/he set me up with a coworker of his who was looking for a roommate, so he does know that I'm moving. So I at least won't freak him out in that regard.... it's just figuring out how to start trying to reconnect with him once I'm there that I'm worried about.

 

[QuietStorm]

Well, we already live in the same state - it's just cities that I'm changing. But yes I have made an attempt to contact him and we've spoken briefly/he set me up with a coworker of his who was looking for a roommate, so he does know that I'm moving. So I at least won't freak him out in that regard.... it's just figuring out how to start trying to reconnect with him once I'm there that I'm worried about.

Oh, ok. The state-city thing was my fault. Sorry!
And... I don't know how to go about that... but I wish you the best of luck!

 

[onebelo]

imagining if i were the guy and said i still wanted to be friends, i would mean it.

it sounds like maybe he is confused about what your relationship is, and how he should go about handling it. this would overload his head and he might just decide to 'leave it be', because its to much hassle. however, he does still like you as he sends you articles and stuff, this suggests he wants to talk to you, your opinion and thoughts mean something still

my personal advice.... be straight with him. call him out and ask what is going on between you both, where do you both stand, do you REALLY still want to be friends, tell him what your perspective on the situation is, clear the air and go from there.