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I would like to ask your opinion about something that happened last summer . I was at a bar with friends , a guy approaches me and started talking to me. I wanted to be polite so I discussed with him for some time . When he started getting too flirty I tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but I didn't say it out loud because I didn't want to be rude . He kept pushing it so I eventually told him "I'm not interested" . He said "how come?" and I replied that "I'm not in the mood" . After a while he gave up and he seemed a bit angry. He told me that I should have told him right away that I'm not interested so that he wouldn't waste his time.
I have a few questions.
1)Is it rude to immediately reject someone who is trying to talk to you ?
2)If I told him "Not interested" as soon as he approached me , how do you think he would react ?
3) How to show someone you're not interested in a way that they'll stop pushing it ?
 
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1)Is it rude to immediately reject someone who is trying to talk to you ?
No.


2)If I told him "Not interested" as soon as he approached me , how do you think he would react ?
Disappointed perhaps. It doesn't matter.

3) How to show someone you're not interested in a way that they'll stop pushing it ?
I'll either politely distance myself, ignore them, or tell them I'm not interested when they start coming on too strong.


You did ok. If you would have rejected him outright, he would have probably complained that you were haughty for not even giving him a chance. Whatever you do, never feign interest out of pity.
 

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1)Is it rude to immediately reject someone who is trying to talk to you ?
Depend on the how ? you can plainly state that you re not really in the mood, if hes pushy and goin "why", just answer none of your business and stop to look at him. Advantage : you re not lyin :p

2)If I told him "Not interested" as soon as he approached me , how do you think he would react ?
He might consider you as an arrogant person most likely, but do you care ?


3) How to show someone you're not interested in a way that they'll stop pushing it ?
"Not interested at havin any kind of interaction with you, sorry" and do not look at him, or walk away
 

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1)Is it rude to immediately reject someone who is trying to talk to you ?
2)If I told him "Not interested" as soon as he approached me , how do you think he would react ?
3) How to show someone you're not interested in a way that they'll stop pushing it ?
1) It is not if you do it politely. You have right to be left alone, just let it be known in a way its easy to understand but not putting the man down. Like that you feel complimented but... [legit excuse].
2) It's best right from the start, with the right excuse he does not need to feel like failing. It's less likely to be drama if there is some courtesy and he doesn't feel like being spit in face.
3) Calmly, assertively point out that you are not interested, see pushing as rude. Say that you hope its just misunderstanding and demand to stop it. If it does not stop, leave or seek help.

Since I tend to approach women honestly and with courtesy I was so far rejected in same manner, even with compliment.
 

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Whatever you do, never feign interest out of pity.
True. I often give a chance, but not out of pity - that would be belittling the other person. Its rather combination of courtesy and genuine interest if just for friendly discussion. I usually reveal my less generally appreciated characteristics sooner, not to waste time.

Describing my intellectual absent-minded professor or dreamer part of personality works as quite a deterrent actually.

One legit rejection for being too intellectual while she prefers more down to earth or party-boy.

One stop of unsolicited interest where she told me she liked my city and I told that it's a source of pleasant surprises for me when I awaken from my contemplation and always find something new that I was walking around for some time.
She asked if I am dreamer and I said that it's fair description though more in Socrates/Kant way than Shakespearean (to point out Rational vs Idealist). No more posts from her.
 

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I would like to ask your opinion about something that happened last summer . I was at a bar with friends , a guy approaches me and started talking to me. I wanted to be polite so I discussed with him for some time . When he started getting too flirty I tried to make it clear that I'm not interested but I didn't say it out loud because I didn't want to be rude . He kept pushing it so I eventually told him "I'm not interested" . He said "how come?" and I replied that "I'm not in the mood" . After a while he gave up and he seemed a bit angry. He told me that I should have told him right away that I'm not interested so that he wouldn't waste his time.
I have a few questions.
1)Is it rude to immediately reject someone who is trying to talk to you ?
2)If I told him "Not interested" as soon as he approached me , how do you think he would react ?
3) How to show someone you're not interested in a way that they'll stop pushing it ?
Just be clear in your stance on the matter. Whether or not he gets angry is his problem. If he gets mad your friends are there to gang up on him anyways.
 

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He seemed to have redirected his anger to throw you off. He was mad that you rejected him, not that you didn't do it in a timely manner. There's no deadline for rejection, but rejecting prematurely can be seen as rude. I think some guys get defensive because rejection inherently forces reevaluation of confidence. Confidence that was built up to have to ask in the first place. They don't want you seeing them mulling the rejection over so they get defensive.
 

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Others have answered your three questions in ways I roughly would have, so I won't just rephrase what they said.

Just pointing out - he accuses *you* of "wasting his time" by not outright rejecting him (which, as pointed out by sockratees, likely would've resulted in anger anyway because he kinda sounds like a dick). But HE was the one who came up and started talking with you, and despite that he clearly was out for one thing only (since he stated you had wasted his time by conversing politely with him, clearly his interest went no farther than sex), he didn't just immediately jump to the chase and tell you he was hoping he and you could have sex. Instead, he fucked around conversing and then ramped things up trying to seduce you.

So, you didn't waste his time, he wasted *your* time.
 

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When a man approaches a woman at a bar and strikes up a conversation, it is usually going in a certain direction. I mean the guy's intentions would be somewhat clear to me, even if there was no hint of it. It is coming.

He came on too strong, but that was not a very good reason you gave him. Not that you owe to him. But it is basically just like saying "cuz". Tell him you have a bf. I tell women I have gf sometimes. lol.
 
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He seemed to have redirected his anger to throw you off. He was mad that you rejected him, not that you didn't do it in a timely manner. There's no deadline for rejection, but rejecting prematurely can be seen as rude. I think some guys get defensive because rejection inherently forces reevaluation of confidence. Confidence that was built up to have to ask in the first place. They don't want you seeing them mulling the rejection over so they get defensive.
This is off topic but... that bolded part, absolutely not true. Once you realize that things become much easier in general.
 

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I used to rationalize that I could talk to a guy like a friend regardless of his intention. In a social situation (bar, parties, gathering etc.), what's wrong with engaging in a conversation without any romantic intent?

Later, I realized the fallacy of my rationale. Guys (majority) don't see it that way. For whatever reason striking up a conversation is a mean to an end (dating or ONS). If a woman rejects going into the end direction, the guy may think "then why did you waste my time for the past 30 minutes? I could have talked to someone who'd play along!"

Of course not every guy thinks it this way. A few truly enjoy conversation for the sake of conversing.

It's kind of catch 22, stating the friendzone right from the start or gauging his intent along the way. There will always be margin of error but trust your instinct may be the best bet. If a conversation starts to feel a bit weird, backpeddle to the safe zone/topic or find a reason to bail (need to use the loo, etc.).
 

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no one truly owes anyone anything. you don't have to give a reason, and you don't have to come up with a convincing lie just to spare someone's feelings... maybe don't be cruel with it, but letting someone know whenever you want in the process (for anyone) is fine.
people get rejected, it's a part of life. you don't have to cradle someone's heart when they don't even know you, and you definitely don't have to do so if they aren't even taking "no" for an answer. fuck them, lol...

really, "wasting my time" is about the whiniest thing i've ever heard. it's like saying, "how dare you make me stand here and talk to you for such a long ass time!", when they chose to do so of their own free will.


that said, i do think it would backfire on you if you said right off the bat "i'm not interested". it'd set everything up for them to attack you with b.s. about being stuck up, and how they just wanted to talk to you as a person, and how you're a bitch/etc.

i would match their energy, as what they're going for is either passive or "seeming really interested" (and by "matching" i mean that you just meet them with your own, and establish boundaries of a sort without actually having to do anything... if that makes sense to you, you know what i'm talking about). and eventually, just find a reason to leave and say bye sort of forcefully, and just walk off with purpose before anything else can really happen.
or, just talk to them and... fend them off? if you're not interested... really, there's not "an answer" to give, you just have to do whatever feels most natural to you. listen to your own take on the situation.
 

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Can I just say that I really need to object to this idea of there being a 'reason' for you not being interested. Interest is not anyone's default state. There doesn't need to be justification. You're not a 24/7 hotel. It will be seen as arrogant if you blow men of as soon as they approach you but do you really care at that point? It's arrogant to assume interested is your default, the only difference is that their arrogance is so ubiquitous that it doesn't need to be questioned. If you don't wanna be call a frigid bitch by people you'll probably never see again kind but firm is probably your best bet, listen for a while and do the thanks but no thanks. Or say that you have a boyfriend if you wanna avoid the 'why.'
 

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Seriously, a guy who is pissed off he spent a few minutes talking to you in a bar has really low priorities and deserves to be pissed off. How old is he, 13? Is this the school dance? Seriously, chatting is friendly, saying you aren't interested before they offered to pay for your entire dinner or something is totally legitimately normal.

I can understand someone being pissed if it was weeks or months of hot pursuit, but a chat up in the bar should not affect someone that much unless they saw you as a piece of ass to have at the end of the night. Very much his problem.

Rejection is always best up front and as soon as possible without leading someone on, but if he's that mad after a short talk....whatever.
 

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1)Is it rude to immediately reject someone who is trying to talk to you ?
No.* How he reacted was rude. He had a hurt ego.

2)If I told him "Not interested" as soon as he approached me , how do you think he would react ?
1. He'd call you a bitch and walk off.
2. He'd pretend that he was never interested in you to begin with. He'd mock you for thinking he could ever be attracted to you. "oh please, don't flatter yourself." Again with the hurt ego.
3. He'd say "oh okay" No. He clearly had a hurt ego. He wouldn't do this.
4. Maybe he'd just pretend that he had no idea what you were talking about--he just came over to get a drink (or something). Would feign confusion to save face.

3) How to show someone you're not interested in a way that they'll stop pushing it ?
Tell them you're a lesbian. Or that you're already taken.



*Well, I mean, it would totally come off as arrogant. Yes, maybe rude, too.

really, "wasting my time" is about the whiniest thing i've ever heard. it's like saying, "how dare you make me stand here and talk to you for such a long ass time!", when they chose to do so of their own free will.
Right?! It's ridiculous.
 
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