[ENTJam]

Hi everyone!

Some of you might already be tired of seeing me asking "what's wrong with me" and whatnot... but bear with me!

So, I have a hard time making friends. I do make acquaintances easy, but I rarely connect. I have very, VERY few people who I consider friends.

Now, interestingly, two people I have spoken with through the computer (Facebook chat) have told me that I seem like the person who makes friends easily... I was never told that in person, though.

What I'm trying to say is - apparently, I'm friendly when it comes to virtual/impersonal(?) means of communication, but not when it is "real life".

How do I figure out what's "wrong" when I'm in person that I don't do when I'm on a virtual chat? Or what's right on the virtual chat that I don't do in person?

Thanks!

 

[Neon Knight]

Hi everyone!

Some of you might already be tired of seeing me asking "what's wrong with me" and whatnot... but bear with me!

So, I have a hard time making friends. I do make acquaintances easy, but I rarely connect. I have very, VERY few people who I consider friends.

Now, interestingly, two people I have spoken with through the computer (Facebook chat) have told me that I seem like the person who makes friends easily... I was never told that in person, though.

What I'm trying to say is - apparently, I'm friendly when it comes to virtual/impersonal(?) means of communication, but not when it is "real life".

How do I figure out what's "wrong" when I'm in person that I don't do when I'm on a virtual chat? Or what's right on the virtual chat that I don't do in person?

Thanks!

You could just have something like social anxiety. I know I come off way different irl than online because it's a lot easier to just initiate contact with someone if they're in the middle of a public sort of convo, much like this where it's more acceptable to just throw yourself in wherever.

 

[LotusBlossom]

you probably shouldn't try

 

[funcoolname]

Welll, I don't know if this is your problem but some of the ENTJs I know or have known really love being social and connecting and in some more unhealthy cases selling themselves to as many people as possible. So while they can be very charming in short doses, they either don't stick around long enough to make any serious connections, or they continue to sell, sell, sell, and the person they're communicating with senses it, believes there's nothing genuine in it, and loses interest. On virtual chat there's no need to really sell yourself or do small talk, people can talk about deeper things right off the bat, which would be inappropriate to discuss immediately in real life. There are also less people/things to distract you and physical distance doesn't matter online.

 

[Tad Cooper]

Hi everyone!

Some of you might already be tired of seeing me asking "what's wrong with me" and whatnot... but bear with me!

So, I have a hard time making friends. I do make acquaintances easy, but I rarely connect. I have very, VERY few people who I consider friends.

Now, interestingly, two people I have spoken with through the computer (Facebook chat) have told me that I seem like the person who makes friends easily... I was never told that in person, though.

What I'm trying to say is - apparently, I'm friendly when it comes to virtual/impersonal(?) means of communication, but not when it is "real life".

How do I figure out what's "wrong" when I'm in person that I don't do when I'm on a virtual chat? Or what's right on the virtual chat that I don't do in person?

Thanks!

I don't trust self diagnosis really, but it can help if you look up something, ask a bunch of people what they think and then see if it applies to you.

I also come across as someone who makes friends easily. I know loads of people, chat easily and yet have maybe one or two friends I consider close (even then I haven't got the guts to talk to them about personal stuff).

Maybe it's just society today? We're getting better with technology but worse with people. (just a wondering, not sure if I believe that or not).

 

[sprinkles]

you probably shouldn't try

I agree.

I'm the same way and it doesn't bother me at all.

I can't really stand being social with more than two or so people in a room, IRL. When there's a lot of people they just NEVER SHUT UP. Usually it's two or three of them that hog every single bit of conversation so even if I wanted to say something I'd practically have to yell to get them to shut up.

I especially hate this at the dinner table when I've been waiting for like 10 minutes for people to cease the deluge of yapping so I can get someone to pass me some potatoes or something.

There's no need to be social - people suck. >.<

 

[ENTJam]

Welll, I don't know if this is your problem but some of the ENTJs I know or have known really love being social and connecting and in some more unhealthy cases selling themselves to as many people as possible.

You have just described me PERFECTLY.

So while they can be very charming in short doses, they either don't stick around long enough to make any serious connections, or they continue to sell, sell, sell, and the person they're communicating with senses it, believes there's nothing genuine in it, and loses interest.

I think that's the problem! Thank you SO MUCH!

Maybe I was coming off as arrogant and uncaring...

So I guess I should try on focusing on few people and sticking with them, right? Makes total sense!

THANK YOU.

EDIT: The thing about selling myself to the biggest amount of people... you see, I'm afraid that, if I don't do that, I might end up NOT meeting a special person (not a love interest, but a special person in some way or another). Yes, everyone is special, but you know what I mean - someone who will end up really connecting with me. If I meet few people, how will I be sure to meet the right ones? Because I don't think it's possible to judge right off the bat.

 

[funcoolname]

You have just described me PERFECTLY.

I think that's the problem! Thank you SO MUCH!

Maybe I was coming off as arrogant and uncaring...

So I guess I should try on focusing on few people and sticking with them, right? Makes total sense!

THANK YOU.

EDIT: The thing about selling myself to the biggest amount of people... you see, I'm afraid that, if I don't do that, I might end up NOT meeting a special person (not a love interest, but a special person in some way or another). Yes, everyone is special, but you know what I mean - someone who will end up really connecting with me. If I meet few people, how will I be sure to meet the right ones? Because I don't think it's possible to judge right off the bat.

Haha, glad I could help. Your Fi, when you get a better feel for it, will probably help with discerning if you are really connecting or not - similar values and tastes are what most long-lasting relationships are built on. Or even just deciding what you like in a person, I don't know that that has anything to do with Fi - just a matter of getting to know yourself. I have found that most of the people I connect with, I can tell I'm connecting with them at least by the 2nd or 3rd conversation, sometimes the first. This will be harder to tell if you're selling yourself because your focus is on selling yourself - not gauging your own reactions to the person you are talking to. Selling yourself can be very appropriate and advantageous in some situations, and you ENTJs are very good at that, so don't throw it away - just remember to turn it off when it's not necessary. And, yes, meeting the right people is a little bit of a matter of faith and you just have to go with your gut sometimes, but it's been working pretty well for me so far . Turning your fear on its head - if you flit around with 200 people, how will you be sure you even remember the right ones? Or talked to them long enough to know they were the right ones? (It's okay to judge people a little beforehand - it saves time)

 

[ENTJam]

(It's okay to judge people a little beforehand - it saves time)

I would agree with that if I had a different background on judging people.

I never - EVER EVER EVER - judged someone correctly.

EDIT: And I am afraid to judge people wrongly.

I'll.... be very honest here. There is this person in my class that is very nice, but we just belong to very different economical spheres... I don't have anything against that! But something "deep inside" makes me think that a friendship is not worth fostering - because we won't be able to do many things outside of the classroom together.

This is evil, right? Well, it's not my intention. I didn't want to think like that. But it's a fact of life, unfortunately :/

 

[funcoolname]

I would agree with that if I had a different background on judging people.

I never - EVER EVER EVER - judged someone correctly.

Maybe you are admiring or looking for the wrong things People who do a lot of self-promotion often do this - I don't really blame them because we are such a looks/image/persona centered society - but because you value PRing for yourself, you may get attracted to other people who are good at PRing for themselves, aand these people can center their lives around doing things that they think other people would deem interesting and attractive without actually spending any time focusing on other people (a pretty big part of relationships). As I said before, caring about the image you project is not a bad thing, but it should not be at the very top of the list. Once you start looking for indicators of other characteristics it can really open things up to great people, you just have to be on the lookout for them. Example, I was in a chair playing a card game with people (no table) while most of the players were on the floor. A guy seated on the floor next to me took the cards from me and shuffled and dealt when it was my turn to do so, so I wouldn't have to be uncomfortably bent over to reach the floor. It was subtle but a very thoughtful and kind thing to do, so I pursued getting to know him better and he turned out to be one of the nicest and smartest people I've ever come across.

Haha, I appreciate the honesty. If something feels off, it may be off, it is sad but true that people from different socio-economic statuses are less likely to have things in common, but if you want to try it out, try it out. And you don't even have to be friends with nice people hah. I happen to like nice people so that was the example I gave, but some people don't like nice people and that's their prerogative.

 

[Shale]

Online you can be (more than) yourself with little to no consequence, like in this forum for instance. There is a sense of safely opening up about yourself, but remaining detached from the users. There is no emotional involvement, but yet how quickly others chime in and relate to your story creating connections. You can be who you truly are and not face friendship rejection (or care), ending up friends with people who respect you for YOU.

Think of how different this is to real life.

 

[ENTJam]

@Shale Well... when I AM honest/open about myself in real life, I believe I scare people away - because my past history isn't "awesome" like everyone else's (I mean the people I am talking to).

 

[Shale]

@Shale Well... when I AM honest/open about myself in real life, I believe I scare people away - because my past history isn't "awesome" like everyone else's (I mean the people I am talking to).

As long as you aren't "creepy", this is something that will probably work out in time. I like to think that as people age our commonalities become less important and trust/respect of differences becomes the priority. This has been my experience anyway. At the same time, the older you get the wider the range of age you are willing to accept in your life as a friend. There are other life milestones which encourage you to meet and make friends with others, especially after having children.

So what is the "awesomeness" of which you speak? (I don't know your age so I cannot picture what life experiences makes someone "awesome")

 

[ENTJam]

So what is the "awesomeness" of which you speak? (I don't know your age so I cannot picture what life experiences makes someone "awesome")

I'm just into college, 17yo.

High School: Parties, drinking, kissing. 3 things I've never done.

Now, I don't think I did "wrong" in not doing these things - it's just me. But I don't understand why I, who don't have problems accepting people who did those things, have problems BEING accepted.

It seems they look at the past as indication of the future... I've changed so much, but people don't seem to care - if I was like that in the past, you don't belong with us.

The problem is, I would like to belong with those people because they do seem like a fun bunch!

 

[Shale]

I'm just into college, 17yo.

High School: Parties, drinking, kissing. 3 things I've never done.

Now, I don't think I did "wrong" in not doing these things - it's just me. But I don't understand why I, who don't have problems accepting people who did those things, have problems BEING accepted.

It seems they look at the past as indication of the future... I've changed so much, but people don't seem to care - if I was like that in the past, you don't belong with us.

The problem is, I would like to belong with those people because they do seem like a fun bunch!

As an INFJ my advice on how to fit in with groups is purely based on observation, experience, and sociology. The thing that I notice about fitting in with large groups is that: it is the acceptance by the alpha(s) and your group contribution (beer runner, designated driver, comedian, story teller, etc) which makes you accepted by the others. My other piece of advice is to look for another group that shares common interests (this is just where you are at this stage in life.)