How to Spot One of You Guys in a Crowd

If I'm in a group setting (I avoid crowds like the plague - I'll be the one scowling at the large group that made me divert from my planned route of efficient travel) I'll typically start out near the back chatting with people I know. Until a few drinks are involved I'm unlikely to be out in front - a couple beers can change my willingness for a slightly more center stage position. But, assuming the group is one I enjoy hanging out with, then I will probably be making my rounds, chatting to people I know and generally trying to be a little social.

The one thing that will set me apart from the group is that I'm constantly analyzing the group dynamics, who is where, what general conversation topics are, etc. Constantly seeking the larger picture of what is happening around me.

If I’m in a group I’m usually cracking jokes and making witty remarks with a mischievous grin glued to my face. I’m also probably going to hang around a handful of people, and in the absence of that I will probably leave early.

In all honesty I tend to avoid large groupings of people so if you want to have any chance of fishing me out of a crowd your best shot is to talk about some nerdy academic subject. As when I hear someone talk about such things my eyes will immediately light up and a smile will mysteriously appear on my face.

Crowd? I'm the one on the highest spot literally looking down on people in a nightclub. I find it funny to see people dancing and stuff, also their habits are rather interesting, for instance, have you ever noticed that 99% of them have no idea on how to actually dance, yet they do it like they do? Apparently this is part of a mating ritual, ofc, one may wonder what kindof mate would this get you if you're mixing your DNA with a creature that falls for that shit, but hei, it's still fun to watch.

This thread has inspired me to do some field research.

I am going to go to large social gatherings and crowded areas.

I am going to appear as disinterested as possible, maybe take some crossword puzzles or a book.

See if an ENFP comes and talks to me.

It is also a great conversation starter, "What are you doing?"

"Field Research."

The real question is where do I find information on social gatherings?

Well, you know, it is perhaps beneficial to point out the person in the crowd who the INTJ isn't:



Most likely not the INTJ you're looking for.

Social settings: I hang around a lot of INTJs - I studied engineering in college and I work for a R&D technology company now.
It's good to be among 'my people'.. . lol
On my free/private time, I don't really socialize a whole lot nowadays, but I used to be very social with a tight-knot group back in the days - we met pretty much daily for coffee and discussions. I have a 'lunch crew' here at work. We meet pretty much solely at work, but we have grown very close to each other.
On the rare occasion I do socialize after work, it's with people I already know pretty well and me being there is almost always based on 'social loyalty' - like a friend has a birthday party and I feel I ought to go. I have learned that I really dislike getting to the social event, but when I am finally there I enjoy myself a lot and think to myself "Why don't I do this more often?"
I like book-stores, cafes, restaurants, nature, parks, museums, the internet - places where I don't have to interact too much with strangers, if I choose not to.

Discussion subjects: I am very adaptable, so I can talk about pretty much anything, I enjoy bouncing around ideas and thoughts with people who see things from a different perspective than I do. I like deeper analysis of things, especially people.
I am fine with just hanging out in silence too.
And I actually do like to joke around quite a lot - laughing is great and a good way to bond in an nonthreatening manner. You can learn a lot about people based on their humor.

Subjects to avoid: Areas that can be too personal. I am fine with my friends volunteering information, but I would never pry - you want to share, I'm thrilled. If not, you have your reasons. I am painfully honest and open myself. lol
I'm not big on politics or religion discussions irl here in the US, since it always seems to lead to conflict/judgement. Interesting subjects, but I'm not into drama, so I'd rather not go there.

Quietness: I can be very talkative depending who I am with and depending on my mood. If I am around strangers, I can chit-chat for a little while, but it exhausts me fairly soon. I deliberately shut down completely around people I dislike. Quiet doesn't bother me. As a matter of fact, quiet can be a great way to piss off people I don't like... ;-)

It requires an act of Congress to get me into a crowd, but here's how you would have spotted me in the last few crowds:

Friend's birthday party: I didn't go, and did a private celebration another night. Look for the guy who wasn't even there :wink:

Company's Christmas party: Look for the guy who doesn't talk, responds to icebreaker questions with "Pass", then gives the shortest answers when told he can't pass (as opposed to the small speeches everyone else gives).

Other friend's graduation party: 50 people jammed into a rented condo on the beach. When everyone else is inside partying, look for the guy laying out on the balcony by himself, pointing up at the sky and tracing constellations with his finger.


I am quiet, especially around people I don't know. One person I know well, normal conversation. Up to four people I kinda know, a few sentences here and there. More than four people under any circumstances, I'm pretty much pretending to be a mute.

Topics to avoid: religion, politics, weather, sports teams, tv and movies, 90% of what you saw on the news.
Topics to pick: stuff that requires thinking, my/your hobbies, etc.
Also, please feel free to not talk. I quite enjoy silence, and appreciate people who don't feel the need to constantly "fill the void".

emberfly said:

Okay so 99.9% of the time if I can avoid being in a crowd, I will.

But assuming it's that 0.01% of the time that I have to be in one:

You will find me looking around very awkwardly, talking to no one. I will probably have some sort of determined look on my face as if I'm trying to think really hard about something or if I'm trying to look for something. Neither will be the case, I will just have that look as a sort of mask for my awkwardness It helps me cope.

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To add to this:

If the crowd is located somewhere that alcohol is available (say, a house party, a family reunion, anything like that) I will be in close proximity to the alcohol trying to get gone. Alcohol helps me heaps in social situations.

emberfly said:

To add to this:

If the crowd is located somewhere that alcohol is available (say, a house party, a family reunion, anything like that) I will be in close proximity to the alcohol trying to get gone. Alcohol helps me heaps in social situations.

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Yup, I'm the same. You'll never catch me without a method of escapism whether the huge headphones around my neck or alcohol or edging closer to the exit.

Large groups seem pointless to me, they never really achieve anything in my experience. I'll also be the one visibly aggravated if people are touching me that I haven't invited to, even if it's the shoulder or arm. I'm also inclined to literally leave without saying anything once I feel that there's no use in being there anymore.

I will walk into a group setting just to listen. Look for the person who appears fully engaged in the conversation without interaction.

If I'm having a conversation and you approach, I may not speak again until you leave. I enjoy intelligent conversations with one or perhaps two people, but rarely engage in group conversations. However, if I'm leading others to improve an idea or concept, especially if it's a structured setting, I'll immediately transform into an extrovert.

I hope this helps.

__William said:

How can an ENFP like me differentiate one of you guys from the rest? Do you guys typically have a thing you guys do, or something? I've only ever met one INTJ in my life so far (that I know of), and they seem pretty cool.

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I find that most INTJs in my family (and there are many) all do different things to the outside observer when in a crowd, but are likely doing the same thing from a more subjective perspective. We all engage in something that occupies us, allowing us to sort-of ignore the crowd. Depending on the person and the crowd, it might be a different thing. An INTJ may hijack and otherwise loathsome experience for personal betterment. I generally try to do this without even really realizing that I'm doing it. Me and my related INTJs are not likely to stick around and just be uncomfortable in a social situation in which we cannot carve out our own area in these ways. I think that happens more frequently to other introverted types though. That's the distinguishing characteristic, at least in my experience.

For instance, my sister is the ultimate hider. She does a great job of avoiding being seen by being a photographer. This keeps her out of photographs, and allows her to constantly improve on her skills as she constantly needs to out-do her last best photographic capture. My father will sit and stare at his computer, completely oblivious to everyone. My cousin, being a chef, is often forced into certain volunteer opportunities to use his skill as a chef, and encounters hundreds in short periods of time, he just pounds away at the grill and appears busy. To put it simply, look for someone very discreetly doing something, apparently productive, in seeming ignorance of the crowd. It may not be so obvious, either. If my friends somehow convince me to go to the bar, within 30 minutes, I will move away from their conversations and start looking for something to figure out before eventually just leaving: ceiling tile arrangement, zoning code violations, etc. Sometimes I mirror my dad, sometimes I engage in activities that look very extroverted in nature, but really aren't. I'm a Greek folk dance performer, and often I go with my dance friends to social dances when we're out of season. Although I like those friends more than any others, I only see it as participation to keep myself in dance shape, learn new things, and see other dancers doing things. Dancing becomes a way of avoiding conversation with people while I'm out, and improving myself as a dancer.

Half of this thread of full of losers who think being anti-social and shy is a shared trait among INTJ's. All the INTJ's I know are just the opposite. To spot an INTJ in the crowd look for the person who isn't talking that often. When they are talking, it usually isn't with a smile and it is usually communicating a direct order or a nuanced opinion. They will often not avoid eye contact, unlike most people, and will often not feel a need to justify the eye contact when you approach them about it.

Most INTJs are dressed nicely, but not extravagantly. If they are participating in a crowd for an extended period of time, it is almost guaranteed that they are qualified to be in that crowd. If it is on a sports team for instance, the INTJ will be the one who is fairly good at the sport. If it is a conference, they will likely be the ones who are talking about something they have a lot of expertise in. If you see someone engaged in a crowd for a long period of time and haven't displayed any abilities, they are probably not an INTJ.

We are hard to spot, a lot of INTJ's I know who get in a crowd usually find a way to distinguish themselves, and are surrounded by people stroking their ego. I know I do it too, and have seen it played out countless times. Look for the person surrounded by people gushing over them, or hanging on their every word. The person seeming modest doesn't disqualify them from being an INTJ.

Finally, if you want to get to know an INTJ, you'll probably have to find them in the subject you are really talented at. That is the only way you'll be able to get them to commit to talking to you for extended (weeks) periods of time.

LuckyNumberSeven said:

Half of this thread of full of losers who think being anti-social and shy is a shared trait among INTJ's. All the INTJ's I know are just the opposite.

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While this may be true, I really don't think calling someone a "loser" is warranted and necessary. Where I'm from, we'd consider you the loser for not seeing the inexplicably unique qualities some people possess.

But who knows... That may be the ENFP in me talking...

__William said:

While this may be true, I really don't think calling someone a "loser" is warranted and necessary. Where I'm from, we'd consider you the loser for not seeing the inexplicably unique qualities some people possess.

But who knows... That may be the ENFP in me talking...

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I only wrote that to save you from taking bad advice.

you know all you need to know Will, by reading this page. It pretty much covered it

LuckyNumberSeven said:

I only wrote that to save you from taking bad advice.

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Well, thanks for your concern.

__William said:

Well, thanks for your concern.

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Good luck finding an INTJ who will deal you with that attitude. Not being sensitive to harsh judgements is step 1 in dealing with an INTJ. Being appreciative when they are honest with their opinions is step 2.

LuckyNumberSeven said:

Half of this thread of full of losers who think being anti-social and shy is a shared trait among INTJ's.

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I'm not an ENFP and I also think that the one person calling other people losers usually deserves the honor.

I for one am not anti-social. In fact that's one of the misconceptions about INTJs imo. I like (nice) people. I just can't handle them in large groups, what often makes other people think I'm anti-social (or even shy for that matter).

All the INTJ's I know are just the opposite.

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Maybe because they aren't INTJs and only think so because they fit the arrogant and intelligent stereotype?

To be honest, I cannot relate to most of the things you wrote. I don't really like eye contact, I don't brag or enjoy attention/admiration, I don't want to get to know only people that are really talented at something.

But then again, people can be very different even if they share the same type. You just shouldn't call different people losers - not very INTJish imo.

LuckyNumberSeven said:

Good luck finding an INTJ who will deal you with that attitude. Not being sensitive to harsh judgements is step 1 in dealing with an INTJ. Being appreciative when they are honest with their opinions is step 2.

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With that attitude? My attitude was to defend people. If that's the "attitude" INTJs don't like, then they really are heartless robots. I really don't think you want to be responsible for that stereotype.

I suggest you work on your feeling aspect of your personality, and grow a heart.

*Strides back to the ENFP forum for loving comfort on the verge of tears* :crying:

LuckyNumberSeven said:

Half of this thread of full of losers who think being anti-social and shy is a shared trait among INTJ's.

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Most INTJ I've met weren't asocial but you rarely ever met asocial people, haven't met a shy one but saw a lot of asocial ones, anti-social is against society, not saw one yet but I guess they exist. Half of this thread is full? An optimist I see :wink: