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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
As some of you may know, I have become smitten with an ENFP.

Unfortunately, for several reasons, she is out of my reach and I'm finding I'm not productive when I have these feelings.

Anyone have any ISTJ-specific and general tips on how to lose interest in her? It's bad enough I'm undergoing the joys of growth pains during my first year in grad school.


And no, this isn't a flame. I am dead serious. I'm used to being in control of my environment and feelings. :sad:
 

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Its good that you have recognize that these feelings are interfering with being in control. Have you actually tried talking to this person and developed some type of feeling or just viewing from afar and having feelings for this person.
 

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As some of you may know, I have become smitten with an ENFP.

Unfortunately, for several reasons, she is out of my reach and I'm finding I'm not productive when I have these feelings.

Anyone have any ISTJ-specific and general tips on how to lose interest in her? It's bad enough I'm undergoing the joys of growth pains during my first year in grad school.


And no, this isn't a flame. I am dead serious. I'm used to being in control of my environment and feelings. :sad:


"You know what your problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal!"


But seriously... I've been in the same boat several times, and it takes months. You become infatuated with someone when you aren't around them. You are constantly thinking about how perfect they are for you and it builds like a snowball racing down a hill. Eventually, you'll notice something about their character that really strikes you the wrong way, and you'll start to question the image of them you've placed on a pedestal. Apart from that, I really haven't found a way to help alleviate the feeling...
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Its good that you have recognize that these feelings are interfering with being in control. Have you actually tried talking to this person and developed some type of feeling or just viewing from afar and having feelings for this person.
Yes, talked to her, but we're not that close, so it's also a case of liking her from "afar."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·


"You know what your problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal!"


But seriously... I've been in the same boat several times, and it takes months. You become infatuated with someone when you aren't around them. You are constantly thinking about how perfect they are for you and it builds like a snowball racing down a hill. Eventually, you'll notice something about their character that really strikes you the wrong way, and you'll start to question the image of them you've placed on a pedestal. Apart from that, I really haven't found a way to help alleviate the feeling...​



Sounds about right. So here are two options

1. Avoid her.

2. Spend MORE time around her for the next two months.



I don't need to explain the benefits of #1 for obvious reasons, but as easy as it sounds, it's actually tough to pull off. I've been hanging out with her on and off and going to the same club. We hang out with the same group of people! I'm going to have to REALLY think through this one. If someone can provide more support, let me know! :unsure:

#2 sounds counter-intuitive at first glance, but makes perfect sense. I spend time around her every now and then. I'll either end up (a) seeing something really really kooky in her character that really puts me off which believe it or not is likely to happen to this ISTJ who has the hardest time forgiving blatant character faults or (b) losing interest in her as I meet more girls and push my image of her into back into the oh-so-dreaded friend zone.


Side note: I don't know exactly WHEN I started liking her. Weirdest feeling ever. Before, she was just an interesting character, someone fun to be around. :blushed:


#2 sounds like a "safer" option. I've honestly never liked someone for more than a few months. Now that I think about it, something has always happened that always put me off. Example: Just a month ago, I lost whatever interest I had in even GETTING to know this one girl because she was just plain rude. Parents clearly never taught her the art of manners and etiquette!


#2 at the same time has its risks, though my risk assessment puts it relatively low. I could end up liking her even more. That would be really really bad.





/Logical ISTJ​
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
well since the girl i liked told me "we are only friends" i became less and less in love with her that the only way i know
Ouch. Must've hurt. How'd you deal with it? I need to prepare for the real possibility of this happening!


(Damn, I don't feel like Bruce Wayne tonight. I feel like a peewee!)
 

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i made a huge plan telling group A i loved someone Group B someone else and i told group C i loved them she was in group C the day after that i pretended it was a joke and that i was toying with them all along they wen with the confusion theory BUT 1 of them didnt totaly believe in it and guess who it was..... since then she always sticked on me hugging me for no reason and telling me "i wonder if it was true"
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
i made a huge plan telling group A i loved someone Group B someone else and i told group C i loved them she was in group C the day after that i pretended it was a joke and that i was toying with them all along they wen with the confusion theory BUT 1 of them didnt totaly believe in it and guess who it was..... since then she always sticked on me hugging me for no reason and telling me "i wonder if it was true"
Was she the one you liked? :confused:
 

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Apart from that, I really haven't found a way to help alleviate the feeling...
True, there is no easy solution. I think someone said that you have to go through the process to get a better understanding of what is going on.

#2 sounds counter-intuitive at first glance, but makes perfect sense. I spend time around her every now and then. I'll either end up (a) seeing something really really kooky in her character that really puts me off which believe it or not is likely to happen to this ISTJ who has the hardest time forgiving blatant character faults or (b) losing interest in her as I meet more girls and push my image of her into back into the oh-so-dreaded friend zone.
Maybe that is when you notice it is messing with your sense of control, when you see something that your logic says is just wrong in your eyes? A bit interesting isnt it someone else comes by and you push her mentally into the background, that person leaves and the person in the background becomes important again!
 
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I don't know exactly WHEN I started liking her. Weirdest feeling ever. Before, she was just an interesting character, someone fun to be around. :blushed:
This is the difference between men and women. A woman will know know right away, literally within minutes, if she's into a guy. No amount of logic and persuasion will change her view on the guy after that, as you've already been cast into the abyss that is known as "The Friend Zone." If the chemistry wasn't there from the get go, it's not going to just show up out of the blue one day. For men, it's different. If she's physically attractive, we'll know within seconds of seeing her whether we want to sleep with her. If she isn't attractive, or dresses to hide it, but keeps hanging around us, we'll eventually develop a thing for her (this is taking into account that she isn't completely hideous). This is why I don't trust girls that have a lot of guy friends. The only reason I kept female friends around in the past is because I've wanted to sleep with them, which ends up undermining the friendship in the long haul.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Maybe that is when you notice it is messing with your sense of control, when you see something that your logic says is just wrong in your eyes? A bit interesting isnt it someone else comes by and you push her mentally into the background, that person leaves and the person in the background becomes important again!
I think you're overanalyzing my post.

Unless you for some reason don't understand how friend zones work, it's not that complicated. Infatuations in my experience aren't as simple as temporarily losing interest in someone and regaining interest after another person enters then leaves the scene. The other girls mention was more so just a mention of another potential scenario, the likelihood which is undetermined.

And as for the first part of your post, you're transplanting one part of my post over and creating a mishmash with another post. Let me clarify again. I'm not in control when I like someone. But there ARE deal-breakers that can help me stop liking a girl. A list of a few:

1. Stupidity 2. Sexual depravity 3. Neediness 4. Untidiness 5. Lesbian.
 

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Sounds about right. So here are two options

1. Avoid her.

2. Spend MORE time around her for the next two months.

I don't need to explain the benefits of #1 for obvious reasons, but as easy as it sounds, it's actually tough to pull off. I've been hanging out with her on and off and going to the same club. We hang out with the same group of people! I'm going to have to REALLY think through this one. If someone can provide more support, let me know! :unsure:

#2 sounds counter-intuitive at first glance, but makes perfect sense. I spend time around her every now and then. I'll either end up (a) seeing something really really kooky in her character that really puts me off which believe it or not is likely to happen to this ISTJ who has the hardest time forgiving blatant character faults or (b) losing interest in her as I meet more girls and push my image of her into back into the oh-so-dreaded friend zone.

#2 sounds like a "safer" option. I've honestly never liked someone for more than a few months. Now that I think about it, something has always happened that always put me off. Example: Just a month ago, I lost whatever interest I had in even GETTING to know this one girl because she was just plain rude. Parents clearly never taught her the art of manners and etiquette!


#2 at the same time has its risks, though my risk assessment puts it relatively low. I could end up liking her even more. That would be really really bad.
well since the girl i liked told me "we are only friends" i became less and less in love with her that the only way i know
Well if you truly want to not like her anymore, the easiest way would be to get rejected by her. It'll hurt but it's the quickest way. Then again, if you tell her you like her and she says she does too...well...then you'd be 'stuck' in that situation I guess. If you do this she may tell her friends about it too so it may have repercussions (depending on the type of person she is, e.g. will she tell a lot of people). Depends on whether you hang out in the same circle of people.

For #1 yes you can avoid her, but it's a very passive way of getting over her and your brain may still go "what if". If you choose that route, it also helps to get involved in something else that will leave no room for thoughts about her.

Hanging out with her, I'm not so sure. It would be rude to suddenly avoid her though. You have to ask yourself whether you want to be friends with her or not. If you do want to be friends with her I guess you can still hang around but it'll take you quite a while to get over her unless she openly states that she only wants to be friends as in Darkfiremat's case (interesting username by the way). That or your analysis comes true e.g. you find out something about her that puts you off.

This is the difference between men and women. A woman will know know right away, literally within minutes, if she's into a guy. No amount of logic and persuasion will change her view on the guy after that, as you've already been cast into the abyss that is known as "The Friend Zone." If the chemistry wasn't there from the get go, it's not going to just show up out of the blue one day. For men, it's different. If she's physically attractive, we'll know within seconds of seeing her whether we want to sleep with her. If she isn't attractive, or dresses to hide it, but keeps hanging around us, we'll eventually develop a thing for her (this is taking into account that she isn't completely hideous). This is why I don't trust girls that have a lot of guy friends. The only reason I kept female friends around in the past is because I've wanted to sleep with them, which ends up undermining the friendship in the long haul.
Speaking as a female (albeit a 'weird' one): Friend zone comes before dating/relationships for me :crazy: I have known guys as friends before and never been attracted to them then inexplicably some random thing triggers off feelings of attraction. But I manage to squash it down with logic and 'inactiveness' ^^ The one time where it didn't work, I knew the other person didn't like me, so I told him I liked him, got rejected and all was right again in the world :crazy: (must be stated that I only had a tiny crush if it could even be called that, I was just very annoyed by it). I must also state that I haven't been in a relationship before so I don't know if the above would change if I one day met the right person and suddenly knew but this has been my experience so far ^^
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
If she isn't attractive, or dresses to hide it, but keeps hanging around us, we'll eventually develop a thing for her (this is taking into account that she isn't completely hideous). This is why I don't trust girls that have a lot of guy friends. The only reason I kept female friends around in the past is because I've wanted to sleep with them, which ends up undermining the friendship in the long haul.
[Redacted to focus on this portion only]

Wait...so...I'm a bit slow on these things. Are you saying that a girl with a lot of guy friends probably has all of them liking her?

And yeah...it sounds like her. She's not really pretty. I think I ended up being attracted to the fact that she's my exact opposite. She's just about everything I'm not, and I don't want my attraction to a woman to be based solely on that. I'd like to end this one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Well if you truly want to not like her anymore, the easiest way would be to get rejected by her. It'll hurt but it's the quickest way. Then again, if you tell her you like her and she says she does too...well...then you'd be 'stuck' in that situation I guess. If you do this she may tell her friends about it too so it may have repercussions (depending on the type of person she is, e.g. will she tell a lot of people). Depends on whether you hang out in the same circle of people.

For #1 yes you can avoid her, but it's a very passive way of getting over her and your brain may still go "what if". If you choose that route, it also helps to get involved in something else that will leave no room for thoughts about her.

Hanging out with her, I'm not so sure. It would be rude to suddenly avoid her though. You have to ask yourself whether you want to be friends with her or not. If you do want to be friends with her I guess you can still hang around but it'll take you quite a while to get over her unless she openly states that she only wants to be friends as in Darkfiremat's case (interesting username by the way). That or your analysis comes true e.g. you find out something about her that puts you off.

#1-Yep! Exactly! She's awesome to hang around. Always the life of the party. But what's worse is she'd start asking questions if I only started avoiding her. She's definitely someone I could see as a buddy. Tough!

I'm still contemplating this option. Finger's on the nuclear launch button. Only problem is whether this is even possible as we go to the same club events at some point or another!

Example: Last night. Crap crap crap! I was TOTALLY not expecting her to be there! :angry:

Coincidentally I ended up leaving right around the time she came as I'd been there about 4 hours prior. I WISH I could sound tough/cool and say I left because of her. :crazy:

#2-It's easier but harder in some ways. Easy in that I can just maintain the status quo and just mentally tell myself she's not for me. Harder because however you cut it, emotions are hard to control.

And yes, that username IS interesting on second glance...especially as someone who got booted into the friend zone!
 

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[Redacted to focus on this portion only]

Wait...so...I'm a bit slow on these things. Are you saying that a girl with a lot of guy friends probably has all of them liking her?

And yeah...it sounds like her. She's not really pretty. I think I ended up being attracted to the fact that she's my exact opposite. She's just about everything I'm not, and I don't want my attraction to a woman to be based solely on that. I'd like to end this one.
At least a good majority of them. Some girls are oblivious to this fact, and are in denial about their intentions. Other girls know this, and like the attention/ego boost that comes with it, which is why they don't tell them off. They'll call up one of their hanger-ons, to complain about how much their boyfriend/some guy she is seeing is an asshole, and use him as an emotional crutch. Meanwhile, the guy will sit there and listen to this, thinking that she'll realize he's the one for her, blah blah blah and they ride off into the sunset together. Sadly, it doesn't happen, as he's already in the friend zone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
At least a good majority of them. Some girls are oblivious to this fact, and are in denial about their intentions. Other girls know this, and like the attention/ego boost that comes with it, which is why they don't tell them off. They'll call up one of their hanger-ons, to complain about how much their boyfriend/some guy she is seeing is an asshole, and use him as an emotional crutch. Meanwhile, the guy will sit there and listen to this, thinking that she'll realize he's the one for her, blah blah blah and they ride off into the sunset together. Sadly, it doesn't happen, as he's already in the friend zone.

Oh man. Forget THAT. I hope I don't ever find myself in that spot. I'll keep this fact in mind.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
i made a huge plan telling group A i loved someone Group B someone else and i told group C i loved them she was in group C the day after that i pretended it was a joke and that i was toying with them all along they wen with the confusion theory BUT 1 of them didnt totaly believe in it and guess who it was..... since then she always sticked on me hugging me for no reason and telling me "i wonder if it was true"
Was she the one you liked? :confused:
yes shes the 1 i liked

and i like number 5 it is really a love killer number 1 too XD

Wait wait...she says you're only her friend...but...she hugs you randomly and mysteriously asks "I wonder if it was true.

Sounds suspicious. :shocked:
 
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