[colysan]

Hello my dear INTP friends

So I'm wondering about something at the moment:
How can an INTP (me) stop overthinking everything in regard to being in a relationship?
As soon as I have an emotion which does not fit into the picture of my "logical self" it gets denied and repressed only to leave myself feeling dull and bottled up afterwards.

It's kind of annoying for me because my SO can't really connect to the true me because of this. I think it is the fear of emotions - because I don't really understand them :S.
My IXFP gf is very compassionate with me, but I still have a very hard time to stand up for myself and get into arguments when my logic doesn't support my emotion.

Example:
I want to spend time with her. We plan spending time with each other. Her friend gets ill and is in need of some support. Our plans get cancelled.
Well I advised her to take care of her friend, because she was really in need of her help (Logic). But I was really, really frustrated that she didn't spend time with me (Emotions).

Ok I feel emotionally retarded. How do I combine those things? Stop overthinking and just be pissed at my gf although she can't do anything about it? (assuming she really has to go)
I just hold the emotion in until it bottles up to infinity and explode.

How do you deal with your emotions in a relationship? I'm kinda scared of letting them take the upper hand - since I don't understand them obviously. Surpass logic and just stand by your emotions?

And how can I be more direct in what I want? I always catch myself Ti-ing things and leaving little hints and notes and becoming frustrated when my gf doesn't catch up on them.
Any advice?

 

[Rift]

keep a journal

cut and paste all the likely venting you're doing elsewhere...

or rewrite into translation guide

and put it into a scrapbook and give to them as a gift...

if you're looking to be cheesy and romantic about it

or avoiding a fight... then tell them it's the key to your heart

when your mind isn't getting in the way.

 

[Night & Day]

I can relate. A lot, lol. I'm going to give you some advice mate. This has happened to me quite a few times with my love interest. He's a INFP.

First, you must be direct with what you want and expect. This will save you loads of unnecessary drama, trust me. Don't give hints or anything like that, she's not psychic. Would you want her to give you hints and have you guess what she wants and needs? I really doubt it. You need to be direct and honest. If you want something or think about something you would like, tell her. This helps a lot with communication and saves you from anxieties or "Ti-ing things".

It's good to be unselfish but if it bothered you a lot that you didn't spend time with her, just tell her that. Be open and trust her with your thoughts and feelings. Be careful not to blame her for things that aren't her fault. Instead, you should talk to her about how things like that make you feel. Be gentle and subtle, especially since she's a Feeler.

I hope this helps. :wink:

 

[NeedsNewNameNow]

Hello my dear INTP friends

So I'm wondering about something at the moment:
How can an INTP (me) stop overthinking everything in regard to being in a relationship?
As soon as I have an emotion which does not fit into the picture of my "logical self" it gets denied and repressed only to leave myself feeling dull and bottled up afterwards.

It's kind of annoying for me because my SO can't really connect to the true me because of this. I think it is the fear of emotions - because I don't really understand them :S.
My IXFP gf is very compassionate with me, but I still have a very hard time to stand up for myself and get into arguments when my logic doesn't support my emotion.

Example:
I want to spend time with her. We plan spending time with each other. Her friend gets ill and is in need of some support. Our plans get cancelled.
Well I advised her to take care of her friend, because she was really in need of her help (Logic). But I was really, really frustrated that she didn't spend time with me (Emotions).

Ok I feel emotionally retarded. How do I combine those things? Stop overthinking and just be pissed at my gf although she can't do anything about it? (assuming she really has to go)
I just hold the emotion in until it bottles up to infinity and explode.

How do you deal with your emotions in a relationship? I'm kinda scared of letting them take the upper hand - since I don't understand them obviously. Surpass logic and just stand by your emotions?

And how can I be more direct in what I want? I always catch myself Ti-ing things and leaving little hints and notes and becoming frustrated when my gf doesn't catch up on them.
Any advice?

I would tell her I was disappointed that I didn't get to see her. Not so much get pissed, unless her excuse was BS.
Getting angry about it would make me feel demanding and clingy

 

[qingdom]

Hmm.. how about let's be a little creative? For example:

*This post was brought to you again by the randomness of the Internets*

 

[Richard]

Sadly, there isn’t a pokemon named NO in that list.

 

[Playful Proxy]

Here is what I know: When it comes to affection, let it flow. I don't care how badly you want to hold it in and bottle it up because Ti screams that it is not natural and all the crap that COULD happen in response and even the possibility of her rejecting you. Do it. Especially with a feeler, if you play the safe side for too long, she will think there is no connection between the two of you. Give her feelings. Show her feelings, and try to get her to reciprocate. Every part of you will scream that something bad could happen and you should not do it. Just do it (Nike....).

 

[misstheground]

Hmm.. how about let's be a little creative? For example:

*This post was brought to you again by the randomness of the Internets*

I melted. In the future I will now melt every time I play my Pokémon Red. Kthxbye.

 

[goodgracesbadinfluence]

That sort of thing the OP mentioned will happen frequently with IXFP types. Sigh.

Anyway, what I've always done is just tried to sweep my emotions under the rug. Getting pissed off is illogical and dumb, even if you can't help it, and it's certainly not going to help the situation. I've always tried to reason with myself and tell myself why and how what I'm feeling is invalid and how it won't matter tomorrow. If that doesn't work, I'll try to distract myself or find other plans.

 

[bellisaurius]

I think step one whenever you're not certain of someone else's emotions, or what to do, and you start to overthink is to think one basic thought:

Trust that she means well

Or, you can just state your actual desire, and over time, you'll learn what things you should just suck up (because, since she cares, she'll tell you), and which ones she actually would prefer you to state (because a loved one wants you to be happy, that's the point of it).

 

[Playful Proxy]

(because a loved one wants you to be happy, that's the point of it).

I'm not sure why exactly, but this statement gave me a mini-breakthrough...

 

[bellisaurius]

I'm not sure why exactly, but this statement gave me a mini-breakthrough...

It was a big breakthrough for me back when I first realized it too. Life's a lot easier when you accept you can actually be loved and helped, and that by golly, someone's willing to do that for you (which becomes blindingly obvious when you realize that you'd do it for them).

 

[NeedsNewNameNow]

Anyway, what I've always done is just tried to sweep my emotions under the rug. Getting pissed off is illogical and dumb,

No it isn't. sure it feels that way, but one of type's problems is we surpress our anger until some tiny thing sets us off or we go all passive aggressive. this confuses
Our friends and partners, because we were so easy going, now suddenly we arent.
They'll wonder if they did something, and we aren't straight with them about what we are angry about, so it leaves them bewildered. this strains relationships more than the occasional display of anger.

Anger also serves to set our boundaries. if we don't do this, people aren't going to respect out boundaries and that will upset us even more.

 

[LaudaGirl]

Take small steps and warm your way into being more emotionally expressive with your lady friend. Small gestures. Tell her you miss her when she's gone. Simple stuff can make a huge difference and eventually you'll be comfortable enough to speak about big stuff.

This is why stupid people do well with relationships - the less you think and the more you talk the happier your relationships tend to be.

 

[qingdom]

This is why stupid people do well with relationships - the less you think and the more you talk the happier your relationships tend to be.

Pick up lines, according to this logic:

"Let's be stupid together."
"I'll be stupid so you can be happy."
"Are you looking for true happiness? Follow the stupid. That's me."
"Hi, I'm stupid. You must be happy. We belong together."

*ow my head hurts now*

 

[colysan]

I think step one whenever you're not certain of someone else's emotions, or what to do, and you start to overthink is to think one basic thought:

Trust that she means well

I think applying that thought to all Ti-thinking is actually a good idea for me.
Otherwise the Ti/Ne combination is a born pessimistic.

But the main reason this helps stop overthinking is by assuming good intentions in your partner whenever there is the slightest negative feeling inside you.
That basic thought lets Ti come up with completely different reasoning.

But it is so damn hard to think that people mean well xD.

First, you must be direct with what you want and expect. This will save you loads of unnecessary drama, trust me. Don't give hints or anything like that, she's not psychic. Would you want her to give you hints and have you guess what she wants and needs? I really doubt it. You need to be direct and honest. If you want something or think about something you would like, tell her. This helps a lot with communication and saves you from anxieties or "Ti-ing things".

It's good to be unselfish but if it bothered you a lot that you didn't spend time with her, just tell her that. Be open and trust her with your thoughts and feelings. Be careful not to blame her for things that aren't her fault. Instead, you should talk to her about how things like that make you feel. Be gentle and subtle, especially since she's a Feeler.

I hope this helps. :wink:

Thanks that helped

(because a loved one wants you to be happy, that's the point of it).

Brilliant - this also gave me a mini-breakthrough .

 

[NeedsNewNameNow]

Take small steps and warm your way into being more emotionally expressive with your lady friend. Small gestures. Tell her you miss her when she's gone. Simple stuff can make a huge difference and eventually you'll be comfortable enough to speak about big stuff.

This is why stupid people do well with relationships - the less you think and the more you talk the happier your relationships tend to be.

Except when we remove our thinking filter we start to get into trouble in relationships. When emotions are involved, the other person may not take things the way we meant them. I often have to filter my words like "if I say X, she's going to hear Y and will be upset. I need a better way to phrase it"

 

[NeedsNewNameNow]

I think applying that thought to all Ti-thinking is actually a good idea for me.
Otherwise the Ti/Ne combination is a born pessimistic.

But the main reason this helps stop overthinking is by assuming good intentions in your partner whenever there is the slightest negative feeling inside you.
That basic thought lets Ti come up with completely different reasoning.

I find that it's the Si/Fe combination that's the problem, it can easily misinterpret the actions of our partner and get upset. It's the Ti/Ne that tries to rationalize the behavior to calm down