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Discussion Starter #1
How do ENTJs prefer to receive support from someone?

My ENTJ boyfriend has been having difficultly figuring out what he wants to do, career-wise. I think he's feeling kind of stuck. There are things he thinks he wants to be, but he doesn't like the rules and path to get there. I think he just wants to start at the top, you know?

I've been trying to help support him, but I'm not sure how. When I offer other career ideas, he shoots them all down. When I tell him it's okay to do many things, that life is constantly changing and people change what they do all the time, he says he doesn't agree with that. He doesn't think it's okay for himself to keep switching around. He wants to find something, be good at it, and do it and nothing else.

So, I'm curious ENTJs: What makes you feel supported? Or do you feel like only you can support yourself?
 

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Have your own opinion and express it. Don't be afraid to call it like you see it, even if the ENTJ disagrees. Be a sounding board, but not a "yes man". Be accessible, but not pushy.
 

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I tend to respect people who challenge me, my assumptions and my thinking. I also think making his options clear may help. What helped me finally decided was to reframe from "what do I want to be?" to "what lifestyle do I want?"
 
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I tend to respect people who challenge me, my assumptions and my thinking. I also think making his options clear may help. What helped me finally decided was to reframe from "what do I want to be?" to "what lifestyle do I want?"
Ah, that is what I have trouble doing. I want to push him/challenge him to be who he wants to be, but I'm not sure how.
Responding to his concerns emphatically doesn't seem to be enough. Offering advice doesn't always work either, because he has his way of doing things, and doesn't want to be told what to do. Perhaps there is a good in-between? Maybe, asking questions that he can answer himself? Like how you reframed your own question to be "what lifestyle do i want?"
 

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Find out what makes him 'tick', valuewise. Advice him to move towards that direction. Don't worry, everybody needs mistakes to come to the top. Plus, there are more ways to Rome.
 
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I think it is possible that he does feel very supported by what you are saying. Expressing appreciation is difficult for ENTJ's when we are under stress because it is not second nature to us, so we tend to forget to give it when we are dealing with other things. Just something to think about, I really couldn't say though.
 

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Ah, that is what I have trouble doing. I want to push him/challenge him to be who he wants to be, but I'm not sure how.
Responding to his concerns emphatically doesn't seem to be enough. Offering advice doesn't always work either, because he has his way of doing things, and doesn't want to be told what to do. Perhaps there is a good in-between? Maybe, asking questions that he can answer himself? Like how you reframed your own question to be "what lifestyle do i want?"
You don't respond to his concerns emphatically, you need to challenge his logic, challenge his data and his conclusions. Rock solid thinking, not empathy. Here is how I usually respond to someone:

"I totally get where your coming from and I appreciate the work you've done to get here, now here is why you're wrong"
 
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Interesting. So, when he says, "I don't know what I want to do."
Instead of saying, "It's okay to not know, life is about figuring it out."
I should say something more directive? Like, "If you want to know if you like something you need to go and try it."

Sorry if I'm slow on the uptake of what you're explaining. I'm just trying to figure out how I can show him I think he can do anything, and how to help him get there without pushing too hard or telling him what to do.
 

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Interesting. So, when he says, "I don't know what I want to do."
Instead of saying, "It's okay to not know, life is about figuring it out."
I should say something more directive? Like, "If you want to know if you like something you need to go and try it."

Sorry if I'm slow on the uptake of what you're explaining. I'm just trying to figure out how I can show him I think he can do anything, and how to help him get there without pushing too hard or telling him what to do.
How about something like "What do you enjoy doing?", "What lifestyle would you like to have" etc. if he can't answer it you need to get him to ingest data.
 
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I enjoy a good, "stop your bitching and make a plan or do something." when someone says it will be better tomorrow, I dismiss them immediately.
 
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Okay, not going to tell you how we like to be supported but will tell you how you can help him with his career decision (FYI I feel the same... I just want to start at the top).

Suggest he take the Holland Code test, it may help a lot. Also, ask him to write down all of his favorite classes and what they have in common and if there's a certain theme he can see in the kinds of careers he can do. Finally, tell him to write down all of his strengths.
 

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Thread is tl;dr, but I just want to make sure that you understand that ENTJs don't want to "feel" better, they want to be better. Like @Mr Canis said, they (much like ESTJs) want a sounding board, they want ideas and they want reasons behind the ideas. They aren't looking for comfort, they're looking for advice and someone to discuss things with. They want to talk about strategy, I guess.

Just don't focus on feelings when they come for help, they don't want to be comforted. If they do, they will tell you so outright.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
ENTJs don't want to "feel" better, they want to be better. Like @Mr Canis said, they (much like ESTJs) want a sounding board, they want ideas and they want reasons behind the ideas. They aren't looking for comfort, they're looking for advice and someone to discuss things with. They want to talk about strategy, I guess.
This makes so much sense! The way you explain it is really clarifying, thank you.

It sounds so obvious when you describe it that way. I'm new to MBTI, but I love how it's been helping me understand situations that felt so confusing to me before. My instinct is to comfort, and I never understood why that wasn't enough, and even seemed to bother him.

(FYI, if you ever need to support an INFP, we prefer to feel better before we start tackling solutions. Stabilize our emotions before throwing advice at us, or it will just stress us out. We usually just need someone to listen. :tongue:)
 

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Someone's gotta clear up what these damn NTs say, I'm just doing my job! :tongue:
 

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Interesting. So, when he says, "I don't know what I want to do."
Instead of saying, "It's okay to not know, life is about figuring it out."
I should say something more directive? Like, "If you want to know if you like something you need to go and try it."

Sorry if I'm slow on the uptake of what you're explaining. I'm just trying to figure out how I can show him I think he can do anything, and how to help him get there without pushing too hard or telling him what to do.
You may want to use empathy with rationality. Despite what people say here, it is more effective than just use "You moron, GTFO there and MOVE your ASS". Moreover, ENTJs have feelings and want to be better, but also feel better. Here are some examples how:

Him: I do not know what to do....!
You: You do not know what to do
Him: Yes, I feel frustration I do not know what to do.
You: I understand you do not have a goal and am feeling frustration

Option 1:
Him: Yes you are right, what would you do?
You: ABCDEDFG...Z

Option 2:
Him: Yes.
You: Ok, what are you going to do about it?

Option 3:
Him: yes.
You: I understand how you feel and why, but I do not know you like this, I know you can do better. Get your ass to talk to some people, search on the internet and find some goal. I will help you, but you need to take action now.

Do not be directive right away, I do not know your type. You may come off as insincere and fake, which is in my eyes as bad as lying, betrayal, etc. Be yourself.
 
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