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Discussion Starter #21
Actually, something I haven't shared yet here is that I had extreme ADHD in school. I eventually gave up on doing homework altogether. Luckily I was usually really good at making up for it by doing good on tests and quizzes in class without barely studying for them. That was like usually 50% of our grades. But anyways, my experiences of trying to do homework were such as this: I would start trying to concentrate on it. Within like 2 minutes my mind would wander to something else. I literally COULD NOT HELP IT. So then again I'd be like "Okay! Focus!" Within a minute or two my mind would wander again. And again "Okay! Focus!" On and on and on to the point that if I would've done all my homework every night I would've literally got no sleep because I could never stay on task. Good luck then trying to perform at school getting literally no sleep every night! But I always did have to fall asleep eventually and not have most of my homework completed. That's why I eventually just gave up on bringing homework home. The teachers were never very understanding. They were assholes and bitches as far as I'm concerned.
Did your teachers know you had ADHD? Did you need to eat medicine? Anyways, we will try to understand more from him about whether he have a huge difficulty in concentrating, thankfully my mum is pretty understanding if he really cannot concentrate due to ADHD. When its that case then my mum will let him take medicine
 

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Did your teachers know you had ADHD? Did you need to eat medicine? Anyways, we will try to understand more from him about whether he have a huge difficulty in concentrating, thankfully my mum is pretty understanding if he really cannot concentrate due to ADHD. When its that case then my mum will let him take medicine
Some teachers might've known I had ADHD. Others back then I'm sure thought ADHD was just an excuse, or even a made up illness. Teachers weren't taught or expected to be understanding of things like that back then. I took Ritalin for almost one whole semester. It helped me concentrate a lot, but it was like speed. I couldn't stop shaking my knees up and down and clenching my teeth. My heart would race. And worst of all I couldn't relax and talk to or joke around with peers because I was so stiff and inhibited. I was hoping to one day have a social life after all. Never happened until my 20's.
 

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Some teachers might've known I had ADHD. Others back then I'm sure thought ADHD was just an excuse, or even a made up illness. Teachers weren't taught or expected to be understanding of things like that back then. I took Ritalin for almost one whole semester. It helped me concentrate a lot, but it was like speed. I couldn't stop shaking my knees up and down and clenching my teeth. My heart would race. And worst of all I couldn't relax and talk to or joke around with peers because I was so stiff and inhibited. I was hoping to one day have a social life after all. Never happened until my 20's.
:( I feel bad for u during ur time when not many people understand or cared about such illness. Thankfully now more ppl know and are educated to empathise and understand
 

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:( I feel bad for u during ur time when not many people understand or cared about such illness. Thankfully now more ppl know and are educated to empathise and understand
Yeah, well it became overshadowed by schizophrenia during my senior year in high school. I'm not hyperactive any more. Technically Idk if I even have ADD now because residual symptoms of schizophrenia can mimic ADD.
 

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Yeah, well it became overshadowed by schizophrenia during my senior year in high school. I'm not hyperactive any more. Technically Idk if I even have ADD now because residual symptoms of schizophrenia can mimic ADD.
:( did u see a psychiatrist?
 

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:( did u see a psychiatrist?
Yeah, I've been pretty stable for like 20 years, and I'm not dangerous like people might think. I haven't done anything even remotely violent to anyone since the year 2001, and that time was only because someone kept hitting me first.
 

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You seem entitled, manipulative and abusive. It's prob best you leave your brother alone. If you want to help, go to a therapist to change your shitty behaviors so maybe your brother can stop suffering and seek escape from you in videogames.
 

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Yeah, I've been pretty stable for like 20 years, and I'm not dangerous like people might think. I haven't done anything even remotely violent to anyone since the year 2001, and that time was only because someone kept hitting me first.
then that's good then :)
You seem entitled, manipulative and abusive. It's prob best you leave your brother alone. If you want to help, go to a therapist to change your shitty behaviors so maybe your brother can stop suffering and seek escape from you in videogames.
honestly im just too lazy to explain to u anything, if u read all my posts u will know that im definitely not manipulative. idk if im entitled and I admit im abusive but srsly cant u guys read the whole damn thing?! That behaviour was alr in the past, its not like im still like that so I dun nid u to tell me what to do in that aspect. it will be great if u actl provide useful advice like how to help motivate him instead. btw, u think too highly of me to think that he is addicted to video games jus bcos he is seeking escape from me lol. as if his life revolves ard me :rolleyes:
 

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honestly im just too lazy to explain to u anything, if u read all my posts u will know that im definitely not manipulative. idk if im entitled and I admit im abusive but srsly cant u guys read the whole damn thing?! That behaviour was alr in the past, its not like im still like that so I dun nid u to tell me what to do in that aspect. it will be great if u actl provide useful advice like how to help motivate him instead. btw, u think too highly of me to think that he is addicted to video games jus bcos he is seeking escape from me lol. as if his life revolves ard me :rolleyes:
Believing that you are entitled to his love and guilt-tripping him when he wants to cut ties with you, as well as feeling disappointed in him is what being manipulative is like. Fact is, your brother doesn't like you and instead of being disappointed in him you should be disappointed in yourself for creating those feelings in him in the first place. I am serious about you going to a therapist to figure out how to change your behavior so you can mend your relationship with him. The more you focus on controlling his life and future the worse you're making it, probably. The results of his continual withdrawal speak for that, at least.
But I guess he would also benefit from some therapy so he can constructively work on his frustrations, having ADHD and being told you'll become useless must be quite hurtful and demoralizing and not inspiring one to work harder. How about you try and praise his strengths and find something that he can work on based on them, instead of making him suffer for his weaknesses? He's likely seeking escape from everyone not just you, likely because he doesn't feel understood or inspired by anyone/thing else.
 

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Discussion Starter #30
Believing that you are entitled to his love and guilt-tripping him when he wants to cut ties with you, as well as feeling disappointed in him is what being manipulative is like. Fact is, your brother doesn't like you and instead of being disappointed in him you should be disappointed in yourself for creating those feelings in him in the first place. I am serious about you going to a therapist to figure out how to change your behavior so you can mend your relationship with him. The more you focus on controlling his life and future the worse you're making it, probably. The results of his continual withdrawal speak for that, at least.
But I guess he would also benefit from some therapy so he can constructively work on his frustrations, having ADHD and being told you'll become useless must be quite hurtful and demoralizing and not inspiring one to work harder. How about you try and praise his strengths and find something that he can work on based on them, instead of making him suffer for his weaknesses? He's likely seeking escape from everyone not just you, likely because he doesn't feel understood or inspired by anyone/thing else.
I did not guilt-trip him, I believe I mentioned that in our country's culture literally cutting ties is a serious issue for us and nobody would easily cut ties if they can salvage a relationship. I don't understand why feeling disappointed is considered as manipulative because it is what I feel? Am I not allowed to feel disappointed? Even if I tell him I feel disappointed, I'm only telling him what I feel, it doesn't mean his behaviour will change according to what I feel? And I'm really not trying to control his life, we are not on good terms now and i'm trying to care less about his life and what he does, just that my mum keep calling me to tutor him English and I'm worried about his future due to his attitude towards studies. Those 'controlling' actions were in the past and now i'm already trying to change so I don't understand if by trying our best to convince him and motivate him to study is control then what the heck can we do?? I didn't tell him he is useless but the fact is in our society, it is very achievement-based and without a degree or diploma cert, it is very very difficult to find a better-earning job that will make life stable. And what I mean by 'useless' is like clueless and unable to do like anything because he is not good at anything. He plays games but he is not good and when I tell him to learn how to play games better or something he also don't want to learn. So like seriously I dk what he can do in the future. Do you know he doesn't even know how to do housework?? Not that we need him to be good in one area but we feel like when he go out to the society he can't do anything and no one would wanna hire him. I apologise for the misuse of words. We tried to find his strengths and interests but it is upsetting. For example, he likes playing soccer, then my mum sends him for soccer class but he doesn't treat it seriously, he likes it for the fun and games and wish he will be a better player but he doesn't put in the hard work to become a better player so it is exasperating. We can't even say he has a 'thing' that he is good/proficient/specialised at. Not that it is a must for everyone to have something he is good at but u either be specialised in one area or know how to do everything, isn't it? But thanks for the advice
 

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I did not guilt-trip him, I believe I mentioned that in our country's culture literally cutting ties is a serious issue for us and nobody would easily cut ties if they can salvage a relationship. I don't understand why feeling disappointed is considered as manipulative because it is what I feel? Am I not allowed to feel disappointed? Even if I tell him I feel disappointed, I'm only telling him what I feel, it doesn't mean his behaviour will change according to what I feel? And I'm really not trying to control his life, we are not on good terms now and i'm trying to care less about his life and what he does, just that my mum keep calling me to tutor him English and I'm worried about his future due to his attitude towards studies. Those 'controlling' actions were in the past and now i'm already trying to change so I don't understand if by trying our best to convince him and motivate him to study is control then what the heck can we do?? I didn't tell him he is useless but the fact is in our society, it is very achievement-based and without a degree or diploma cert, it is very very difficult to find a better-earning job that will make life stable. And what I mean by 'useless' is like clueless and unable to do like anything because he is not good at anything. He plays games but he is not good and when I tell him to learn how to play games better or something he also don't want to learn. So like seriously I dk what he can do in the future. Do you know he doesn't even know how to do housework?? Not that we need him to be good in one area but we feel like when he go out to the society he can't do anything and no one would wanna hire him. I apologise for the misuse of words. We tried to find his strengths and interests but it is upsetting. For example, he likes playing soccer, then my mum sends him for soccer class but he doesn't treat it seriously, he likes it for the fun and games and wish he will be a better player but he doesn't put in the hard work to become a better player so it is exasperating. We can't even say he has a 'thing' that he is good/proficient/specialised at. Not that it is a must for everyone to have something he is good at but u either be specialised in one area or know how to do everything, isn't it? But thanks for the advice
It's guilt-tripping because, again, him wanting to cut ties with you seems like a direct response to your behaviors towards him, he dislikes you because you've given him reasons to. By directing your disappointment to him you are lifting the burden from yourself to take responsibility for how you caused the situation. And not only that but you are vengeful when you say you want him to regret, it shows you are not fully understand your fault in this with how you handle your emotions and how you use them on others. Sometimes what we feel is unjustified and unfair to others, emotions are reactions to our expectations, and your expectations are likely unrealistic, like in the past when you felt it was justified to beat him. In short, your feelings of disappointment towards him are likely unfair and unjustified as you've mistreated and abused him, giving him plenty of reason to have resentment towards you. Family being so important in your culture just shows even more how much you've alienated him with your behaviors.

Whether "useless" or "clueless", there's no point in saying those things to him, especially since they don't seem to have any positive effect and likely just make his self-esteem terrible and make him feel unable to succeed in anything. Video games give a good substitute for that and is why many people become hooked, as they feel they can accomplish something and escape from the pressures of reality.

I didn't know how to do any housework before 18 either shrug. It wasn't ideal but I learned and survived. You seem to approach him with a negative attitude of expectations and placing burdens of adulthood on him that he isn't in a position to understand or appreciate due to his age. He's way too young to be specialized in anything...

Maybe your brother is just not very bright, or maybe he is and you are underestimating his ADHD & he needs special tutoring by someone who knows how to help him feel inspired and motivated. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by all the expectations you place on him when he just wants to explore and have fun and figure out what to do with his life later as he gets older. Maybe instead of trying to pressure him in learning English, find something entertaining he likes, like TV or film and use it to help him learn. Doesn't he play English video games?

Anyways, bottom is, kids with ADHD frequently suffer from low self-esteem and low confidence in their abilities, your behaviors have likely exacerbated the issue so unless you can change your whole outlook on his life & situation so you can be more empathetic towards him you prob need to talk to a specialist who knows how to deal with this.
 

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Discussion Starter #32
It's guilt-tripping because, again, him wanting to cut ties with you seems like a direct response to your behaviors towards him, he dislikes you because you've given him reasons to. By directing your disappointment to him you are lifting the burden from yourself to take responsibility for how you caused the situation. And not only that but you are vengeful when you say you want him to regret, it shows you are not fully understand your fault in this with how you handle your emotions and how you use them on others. Sometimes what we feel is unjustified and unfair to others, emotions are reactions to our expectations, and your expectations are likely unrealistic, like in the past when you felt it was justified to beat him. In short, your feelings of disappointment towards him are likely unfair and unjustified as you've mistreated and abused him, giving him plenty of reason to have resentment towards you. Family being so important in your culture just shows even more how much you've alienated him with your behaviors.

Whether "useless" or "clueless", there's no point in saying those things to him, especially since they don't seem to have any positive effect and likely just make his self-esteem terrible and make him feel unable to succeed in anything. Video games give a good substitute for that and is why many people become hooked, as they feel they can accomplish something and escape from the pressures of reality.

I didn't know how to do any housework before 18 either shrug. It wasn't ideal but I learned and survived. You seem to approach him with a negative attitude of expectations and placing burdens of adulthood on him that he isn't in a position to understand or appreciate due to his age. He's way too young to be specialized in anything...

Maybe your brother is just not very bright, or maybe he is and you are underestimating his ADHD & he needs special tutoring by someone who knows how to help him feel inspired and motivated. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by all the expectations you place on him when he just wants to explore and have fun and figure out what to do with his life later as he gets older. Maybe instead of trying to pressure him in learning English, find something entertaining he likes, like TV or film and use it to help him learn. Doesn't he play English video games?

Anyways, bottom is, kids with ADHD frequently suffer from low self-esteem and low confidence in their abilities, your behaviors have likely exacerbated the issue so unless you can change your whole outlook on his life & situation so you can be more empathetic towards him you prob need to talk to a specialist who knows how to deal with this.
Ok thank you! I understood where you r coming from and finally see why u tot I was manipulative. My actions make me seem like I was manipulative but please lemme explain that my intentions was really not to manipulate him. I'm not trying to lift the burden off myself, as I have mentioned i'm trying my best to change and i do realise my mistakes and regret some of my actions, I don't deny any bad action that I have did to him but I already have been try to change for quite some years, I just feel disappointed because I know I love him as a sister but I feel like he never cared about me since young, not only recently, of course it may be because he was young and didn't understand love and family but that's why I was disappointed. You know in so many years as a family, hurt is not the only thing I gave to him, this is just a part of my past but not the full picture of my past with him. And I don't think I said I want him to regret? I just think that saying he want to cut ties with me without giving me another chance to amend my mistakes towards him and in the first place he also didn't express himself seems to take such relationships too lightly. I'm not saying i'm not at fault, in fact it is my fault to begin with and in this situation I am responsible for more than half of the event, but it is not to say he is completely innocent too. I just feel maybe when he grows up and matures he may regret and see that it is not only hurt that I did to him but there were other actions of love too. Of course, he may also not regret this decision but I hope he regrets? Or else when will we ever mend our relationship? Will we even? I want to say that I'm not only vengeful in this thinking but I also hope one day he will accept me from his heart too and I hope u understand what I mean.

Another thing is the stuff that you mentioned, my fam really did a lot too. We did scold him for his bad results but we also did encourage him and try to help him and try to interest him in learning. But I feel like all of u seem to think it is not intentional on his behalf... Like, we will consider and work harder to try to help in that way but honestly I don't think ADHD is a good enough excuse for not wanting to study. We can understand his difficulty to study and get good results due to ADHD but his attitude is another thing completely. The fact that he himself admits that at times he is not focusing purely because he is thinking of playing and wanting to play and procrastinating instead of his ADHD is affecting him also shows that he is aware of his bad attitude, but refusing to change. Of course, he may also not be accurate in his judgement of himself. Maybe his ADHD is affecting him much more than he thinks so we will also try to go and see more psychiatrist and therapist and also ask him more if ADHD is affecting his concentration. Anyway, thanks for the advice! 😀
 
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