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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
How To Understand ENFP Mother

Hello, I'm very new at PerC. So feel free to say hi, or send a friendly message! Also, English isn't my native, please correct me if I get anything wrong.

Okay, let's start. My mother is an ENFP, a former ESFJ. She and I... well, we doesn't really match in almost all section, like opinion, activity, idealism, etc. What I don't appreciate is her tendency to shrugged off my 'critical' comments and then do or say anything what her think is right, eventhough I'm already point the reasons why we shouldn't get down that 'ship'. She often said I'm not intelligent enough. For example if I say that I have an ADD/ADHD tendencies, then she'll cut that and say something along the lines 'you aren't try harder' or 'that suggestion is just a bollocks' or 'you still just a child' et cetera. She said she is a wannabe psychologist, clearly she doesn't understand ADD/ADHD traits. I try to be reasonable when convinced her, and the result made me want to kill everyone on this planet.

My mother is just an optimism galaxy wrapped on a flesh of human and sensitivity like a soap bubble. Sometimes, when I said something offended her optimistic nature, she'll angry at me and the old circle would be hellish. And when I blunt out the dark humor, she'll get angry too. I don't understand why people get too sensitive about everything.

I get along pretty well with my sister INTJ, although sometimes we fight, bark like a dog about a certain argument. In the end, when I pointed all the flaws of logic, she still stick to her gun, and ridiculously decisive about that--just like my mother. She gets along with my sister much more than me eventhough my sister is really a reserved person, devil-may-care attitudes until the devil itself cry and very stubborn. Not that I'm complaining, though.

When we on the same room, and if I try to untangle her misunderstood about me (she obviously gets the wrong way around about how I think or feel), then arguments, then she'll angry at me, or I angry with poker face. The hell circle goes on and on around 20 years like that, that's why our relationship doesn't really that close.

So, my dear fellows ENFP, I don't really understand you. Any ideas how to handle ENFP? And pardon for grammars.
 

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Firstly, welcome to Personality Cafe. :)

What makes you believe she is an ENFP as opposed to an ESFJ like you suggested?
It does seem rather out of character for your typical ENFP as we tend to be more open to options (unless she was a particularly unhealthy ENFP). I find if someone suggests something about themselves (for instance ADD/ADHD tendencies) then I’ll research it and keep an open mind on it until I find my answer. Knowledge and understanding are pretty important to ENFPs – especially understanding of others.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
@Nafatali Hello, Nafa. Thank you for your answer :)

Yes, I'm pretty certain she was ESFJ now ENFP (long story, and I don't feel like to spit out our family dramas, hahaha). I adores ENFP, I have a close friend ENFJ, please don't get me wrong and my apology if my post and grammars offend anyone.
According to your opinions, it's really typical my mother--she's really resourceful, open-minded, understanding and shows all ENFP traits between her peers and her clients. But not for me (okay, this part is really soap operas but yeah, that's it.) I don't know if ENFP could act differently if they wants to. Is that true?

She ever asked my opinion about a certain problem, and I answered it according to a new psychology issues. She accepted it very well. I tried to read everything about ENFP, watched my friend ENFP like a hawk, but I still in the dark, hahaha. That's why I ask you guys.
 

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My mother is just an optimism galaxy wrapped on a flesh of human and sensitivity like a soap bubbles. Sometimes, when I said something offended her optimistic nature, she'll angry at me and the old circle would be hellish. And when I blunt out the dark humor, she'll get angry too. I don't understand why people get too sensitive about everything.
Maybe she feels as if you're attacking her morals, ENFPs are very sensitive about that.

And welcome to PerC.
 

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Welcome to the fun house! :happy:

She and I... well, we doesn't really match in almost all section, like opinion, activity, idealism, etc. What I don't appreciate is her tendency to shrugged off my 'critical' comments and then do or say anything what her think is right, eventhough I'm already point the reasons why we shouldn't get down that 'ship'. She often said I'm not intelligent enough. For example if I say that I have an ADD/ADHD tendencies, then she'll cut that and say something along the lines 'you aren't try harder' or 'that suggestion is just a bollocks' or 'you still just a child' et cetera. She said she is a wannabe psychologist, clearly she doesn't understand ADD/ADHD traits. I try to be reasonable when convinced her, and the result made me want to kill everyone on this planet.
There are multiple ways you could interpret what she said here, and not being there and not knowing her it's very hard to determine what she means. But she might be trying to cheer you up; for example, I once had somebody say to me that she was depressed, and my response was "no you aren't, you're just having a bad day, cheer up". Here my intention was to cheer her up, but because I didn't word it correctly (and because she takes everything literally) it appeared to her that I was being insensitive to the issue.

But at the same time, you could have interpreted what your mother said correctly (as I said, I wasn't there so I can't really say) and in that case, it seems extremely unlike most ENFP's to be so critical and dismissive of other people's views and ideas - unless it's something she feels very passionately about and you've stepped over her line.

From the sounds of it, you and your mother communicate on very different levels. My suggestion to the both of you would be to approach each other with understanding and empathy; something which would be almost natural to her if she is an ENFP as you say.

Yes, I'm pretty certain she was ESFJ now ENFP (long story, and I don't feel like to spit out our family dramas, hahaha).
There's a misunderstanding here, people don't change types. They may display shadow functions and appear as a different type when under severe stress, but people don't change types.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
@AyaSullivan @The_Wanderer you should see INTJ forum, there's a certain user might have same problems with me. Our ENFP mother likes to 'criticise our comments'. It's not like... oh, nevermind. I'll try to match her levels. Thanks again for the suggestions. :)

There's a misunderstanding here, people don't change types. They may display shadow functions and appear as a different type when under severe stress, but people don't change types.
I'm afraid, it is. Just like you said, under major depression, and here you are, I could assure you. I know my mother when she was young. And I know my mother in the present moments. I said ESFJ, I refer characters. I said ENFP, I refer characters too. I don't familiar with 'types' I familiar with character traits. That's why I could say people changes, my dear fellow. Humans aren't that predictable, I worry you could not identify them into 16 boxes. You might want to hear that I was an ISFP, would you believe. There must be some anomalies out there. People wouldn't fix on same point, that would be so boringly predictable. What I want to say, after a shocking events you might change your characters, just like we did. I still INTP eventhough it passed and will laugh at that. And oh yes, I don't believe in improbable.

Pardon for horrible grammars.
 
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Humans aren't that predictable, I worry you could not identify them into 16 boxes.
All the MBTI does is help people to identify their natural preference order for their psychological functions; every person has and uses all of the eight functions at various times (which is what makes accurate typing so difficult, especially for the weaker functions). The most important part to discover is your dominant function - which is the foundation of your personality - and the auxiliary function; which supports the dominant. As you develop as a person and go through different experiences you'll develop your other functions, but your preferences, especially for the dominant and auxiliary functions, will remain the same. For this reason, you can put all people into the sixteen types.

But it is important to remember is that the sixteen types are very broad archetypes, and the people found in each type can and do have vast differences from each other (for example, in motivations, interests and beliefs). There will be similarities, especially in how these people function on a day to day basis; but there is much more to individual humans than their natural preferences in using psychological functions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
@The_Wanderer I wouldn't say that you're wrong, or try to change your perspectives/views. You could say that we can put all people into the sixteen types because MBTI is pretty broad, I get your point here. I apologize.

In my humble opinion, humans are ridiculously complex, until no tests or indicators would be fit perfectly to measure the depth. Only less on it's flaws. Each generations offers different kind of something to see, something to learn and record to. Surely MBTI a bit old for that. How broad MBTI is? There are strange creatures, born everymoment, waiting to be discovered.
There are more ways to know other people, like physiognomy, graphology, personality tests/indicators, Sherlock Holmes's reversible logic, palmistry, mystics, et cetera... even as dumb as IQ tests. They have the same weakness; they still a bit... unreliable.

And yes in the end, you could say I agree with you without shoot down my own thoughts.

I apologize for any of grammatical errors.
 

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Dude! My mom is an ENFP too, and I am just as confused as you. It's amazing, because ENFPs and I always get along and understand each other. 2/4 of my best friends are ENFPs.
 

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Dude! My mom is an ENFP too, and I am just as confused as you. It's amazing, because ENFPs and I always get along and understand each other. 2/4 of my best friends are ENFPs.
Then, you're really have many 'confused' moments I'd presume, according to your statment earlier. Don't worry my dear fellow, everyone likes warm fuzzy INFJ folks. You could get along with many people out there.
 

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My mom is an ENFP as well. She loves people and always exudes cheer where ever she goes. However, if you violate her moral compass or she believes you have wronged her... watch out! She is queen of passive aggression and can hold a grudge for decades. Also, if she has done something wrong but is too scared to admit it she can become manipulative... like finding a way to make her mistake actually be YOUR mistake.

I do believe my mom has suffered from major self-esteem issues for years, but people looking in from the outside would probably never know. She has always been an A+ achiever at any job, task or hobby she embraces. I think she has this shining part of herself that is amazing in social situations. She always says the right things and makes people love her. But when she gets home sometimes this little dark cloud forms in her head and she can turn bitter and anxious.

Being in a house made solely of introverts doesn't help her much I think. I'm INFJ and my dad is INTJ. She sometimes does not understand that we need time within ourselves. Especially my INTJ dad who loves his independent hobbies where he is creating this or that. Mom would love to be with us every second of the day, but we just cannot tolerate that! It makes her depressed. We still all love each though! Though I will say it's not uncommon for my mom and I to clash very vocally. She is probably the only person in the world that can get me worked up enough to rant about for an hour straight. lol!

Not sure if this relates to you at all.... but that's my experience with an ENFP mama.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
@la_revolucion so creepily accurate I could kiss you right now. Especially the one with :

However, if you violate her moral compass or she believes you have wronged her... watch out! She is queen of passive aggression and can hold a grudge for decades. Also, if she has done something wrong but is too scared to admit it she can become manipulative... like finding a way to make her mistake actually be YOUR mistake.
And oh yes, your father just like mine, don't really wanna go out much--but our ENFP mothers wants to include them and her childs, singing together between rainbow and unicorns. Luckily for you, maybe because of your character traits you're rarely 'sing a song' with your mother. You have to see my sister INTJ and my mother fight. Quiet a watch, Hannibal would weep in the corner. And an INTP laugh in the darkness.
 

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@la_revolucion so creepily accurate I could kiss you right now. Especially the one with :

However, if you violate her moral compass or she believes you have wronged her... watch out! She is queen of passive aggression and can hold a grudge for decades. Also, if she has done something wrong but is too scared to admit it she can become manipulative... like finding a way to make her mistake actually be YOUR mistake.
And oh yes, your father just like mine, don't really wanna go out much--but our ENFP mothers wants to include them and her childs, singing together between rainbow and unicorns. Luckily for you, maybe because of your character traits you're rarely 'sing a song' with your mother. You have to see my sister INTJ and my mother fight. Quiet a watch, Hannibal would weep in the corner. And an INTP laugh in the darkness.
 
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